a lesson in True Beauty

I have a confession to make ------ at times, I can be embarrassingly vain.

I've always tried to avoid this cavity in my life. I try not to spend so much time looking at my reflection in a mirror that I fail to look beyond myself to the others around me. I aim to not get so caught up in my outward appearance that I overlook what really matters, what's on the inside of me. 

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:30ESV)

I strive to live a life where I pay more attention to what's going on in the heart of me rather than live a life where I'm ultimately more concerned with what I'm wearing and how I look. I want to be a woman who fears the Lord, not one overly concerned with my charm and beauty.

Before I get too far, let me clarify something - I am not talking about simply making myself look presentable. I am not criticizing the things we do to help ourselves feel pretty on any given day. This is not a call to throw away the makeup and hair products nor to dress in rags. What I'm referring to is spending too much time on outward appearances, obsessing over every detail because we're concerned with others' opinions of us, worrying so much about how we look that our appearance becomes our main focus. 

I'm saying this because that's exactly what I did a couple days ago. I was going somewhere that I knew would lead to having my photo taken and I became obsessed with finding the right outfit. I didn't think about the people I would come into contact with in regards to them as a person, but instead I thought about them in regards of how they'd perceive me.

For a few hours I got completely entangled in thoughts and worries over my outward appearance. It wasn't good enough to look presentable, to look good, I wanted more. How I would achieve it was beyond me, but I was determined to figure it out. My bed began to look like a tornado had hit it due to all the clothes I'd thrown on it. An outfit was tried and then discarded. If it was lucky, it got picked back up for round two. But nothing screamed, "Wear me!!!" Everything was too blah, nothing was striking me as "just right". 

"What am I going to wear? What am I going to wear? What am I going to wear?!?" This annoying phrase was on repeat, it seemed. Then, a whisper broke through the chaos in my brain and some verses in Scripture came to me that I very much needed to be reminded of in my current state of mind.

"So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it." (Colossians 3:12-14MSG)

                                                                          *Photo found on Pinterest

After that much needed reminder from my Savior, I was once again able to think clearly. It didn't matter what outfit I chose because what I was wearing wasn't what was truly important. How I would treat the people I would come into contact with, that was important. If difficulties arose in the process, my reacting out of love instead of anger, that would matter. Being a light in this dark world, being an example of Christ's love no matter what chaos I might encounter, being mindful of what kind of impact I was having on those around me, loving others with a genuine love - these were the things I needed to be focused on. 

So I did my hair, I put on my makeup, and I chose an outfit (an outfit that hadn't even been one of my original choices, no less.) I got ready for my evening with a sense of peace now instead of panic. My heart was once again attuned to what was important. Where I had recently been so frantic to have people see a beautiful me, my focus now was that people would see Beautiful Him when they looked at me instead. I wanted to be seen less so He could be seen more.

It's ridiculous to me now just how much time I spent trying to figure out what to wear to go get my license switched over to my new married name and address. I was way too concerned about finding the perfect outfit for this occasion, it's absurd! I knew they were going to have to take a new picture of me for my license and this led to my silly behavior. Have you gotten your license yet? If so, then you can understand why me being worried about my clothes for this picture is so ludicrous - the picture on your license is only of your head and part of your shoulders. It doesn't matter what you wear because nobody will see it in the picture! 

I'm so thankful for a God who loves me in the midst of my craziness. I'm also sure I provided a few laughs for Him and the angles throughout my fiasco of searching for the perfect outfit. Now, I'm joining them in the laughter because, honestly, I was being pretty weird. You just gotta laugh at your weird sometimes...

It's sad how we, as humans, can get so sidetracked and focused on the wrong things. The importance we at times place on how things look, how we look, is somewhat appalling. It's so easy to get caught up in the lie that what we look like is what matters most. The world is always spouting off at us and shoving images at us about how we're apparently supposed to appear. They get us to spend so much time and money on pursuing their definition of beautiful that we often end up sacrificing the things that truly matter while we lose sight of how beauty is defined by Him.

Perhaps it's time we redirect our gazes inward. For me, my prayer is to be made more aware of what the Lord sees when He gazes upon me rather than be concerned with how I look to the world. I'd much rather appear beautiful before my Savior than appearing attractive to the world.

"The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7NIV)

a little girl's story

She was a little girl who loved life. Her blonde hair shone in the sun as she wallowed in the pleasures of being outdoors, embarking on whatever adventure her young mind came up with. She was so happy at home, so brave in her own little world, though she tended to be shy when interacting in the world outside of her home. She'd often hide behind her mommy or daddy, completely trusting them to protect her from the scary parts of the world. It was accepted and allowed though because she was only a child. Her parents didn't push her to grow up too fast.

                                          *Little me full of innocence and giggles... and pop, apparently :)

She was happy in her part as the youngest of the family. She knew her parents both loved her, her brother was her favorite toy, and her sister was the coolest and smartest girl she knew. Her days were spent playing and being free. Always cared for, always protected, always loved. Her life was good and she was secure in her world… but the little girl had yet to grasp the Truth of the enemy who "prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8NIV) This enemy who comes "to steal and kill and destroy" (John 10:10NLT) her purpose in life, the callings God's placed on her, the life she was created to live. He wants to ruin her peace, her joy, and her trust. He comes to shake the foundation of everything she believes in and leave her timid and afraid, uncertain of whether she's truly wanted or loved at all. He seeks to destroy her. 

One of the worst parts for this little girl would end up being that she didn't even understand when he slipped the lie into her brain and it would be many years before the truth was once again revealed.

                               *My wonderful siblings and I way back when - check out that couch!

                    

She isn't quite sure but looking back now she believes she was around eight years old when it all changed. She had read or heard about a boy who's daddy didn't want him to be born. When this boy's mommy found out she was pregnant, the daddy wanted her to have an abortion because he didn't want the boy, but the mommy refused. She was scared and alone, but she refused to abort her baby. So the little boy was born and his mommy loved him so much! He grew up under the loving care of his mother, allowed to be a child, then a teenager, and now a grown man. He grew up but he did it without a father.

After learning about his story, the little girl began to wonder about how her own parents felt when they found out they were pregnant with her. So she did the most logical thing, she simply asked her mommy. Through that question she learned the story - the story of how her parents were both very happy when they found out about her and that they both wanted her. Her mommy also told her about how she almost didn't come to be. After mommy had her big brother an appointment was made to have mommy's tubes tied which would prevent her from having any more children. When the nurses came in to prep her though she began to cry. Mommy didn't want to have the procedure, she didn't have peace about it, but she felt like she had to have it because it was already scheduled and the doctor would be coming soon. The nurses explained to her that if she wasn't feeling ready for this, she shouldn't do it. That she didn't have to do it, it could be cancelled and it wouldn't be a problem. So mommy didn't go through with it, she didn't have the surgery. And roughly twenty-three months later she gave birth again, this time to the little girl. 

                                                              *Daddy holding me at the hospital <3

It's a good story, this one, of how the little girl came to be. But the enemy took the little girls story and twisted it with the little boys story she'd just learned about and he whispered lies to the little girl. They became jumbled in her brain without her even realizing it. In her story, her mommy being unsure about having her tubes tied turned into her mommy being unsure of whether to have the little girl or not. Where the truth had been that her parents were happy when they found out they were pregnant with her, the lies took it's place and it became that, for a little while, her parents considered aborting her. 

"They already had the perfect family," the lies whispered. "Two kids. A girl and a boy. They didn't need another baby. They didn't want another baby. They were happy when they found out about their oldest two, but they actually had to think about whether they wanted you or not. The thought to not have the other two never even entered their minds, but they actually considered not having you. They didn't always love you. They didn't always want you."

The lies sunk in without the little girls knowledge. Her foundation was shaken without her feeling the tremors. Where her games and adventures had always been filled with good and right, they began to shift. Evil had entered her world, evil had left it's mark. She can tell you now of one specific instant in her childhood that testifies to this fact. She was alone on the trampoline, playing some imaginary thing or other. She doesn't remember what she was playing, but she does remember pretending that the boy from the story, the one whose daddy didn't want him to be born, he was there. Whatever it was, the little girl spoke the lie as if it was true as she told the little boy, "My parents didn't want me either. They had to actually think about whether to keep me or abort me."

As the girl grew she didn't really think about this anymore, she didn't question the lie. She just lived as if it were true, never even realizing what had happened. Never even aware of the shift in her thinking or beliefs. Completely unaware of the impact it was having on her everyday life. Where before she would enter a room without thought, she now would hesitate before taking that step. Her mind was always filled with insecurities about whether people would want her around or not. It followed her everywhere she went - the playground at school, around her house, family functions, church events, youth group, sports teams, etc. She always felt so insecure but she never knew why. 

It was when she was no longer a child but had grown into a young woman that the lies started being reveled. She was struggling with some things and so she sought out a Christian counselor. In one of her sessions they hit upon these insecurities. The counselor told the woman that she was confused because the woman talked about her parents and how much they loved her, about how she grew up in a wonderful home never having to fear abuse or neglect, about how her and her siblings were friends. She told her story of a good childhood full of love and happiness, yet the woman still struggled with feeling unwanted. She was saying she knew her life to be one way, but she felt differently. So the counselor asked the woman to close her eyes, think on her feelings of being unwanted, and see what came to mind. The scene the young woman saw was this:

She was a little girl again on the playground at school. The kids were all running and playing in the sunshine, laughing and having a good time. The girl, however, was in what appeared to be a bubble that the sun couldn't penetrate. She was on the outskirts of the playground and surrounding her was a haze of blue, an overcast of shadows. She was alone and isolated. She could see all her friends having fun with each other, but she wasn't a part of it.

The counselor and young woman talked about the scene, pondered what it meant. The woman began to realize that the truth of how things were and how she perceived them or felt about them were vastly different. She could look back and remember her friends reaching out to her, people wanting her around. She wasn't left alone, she wasn't excluded. She was always included, always accepted. But yet she'd always felt like an outsider, she'd always seen herself as (here's that ugly world again) unwanted. It was a good session, but there was no "AH-HA!" moment for the young woman. Even though she now understood that her vision had always been skewed, no reason was revealed as to why she always felt this way, so insecure about others wanting her around them, so afraid of being rejected. So used to the feelings of being unwanted. No, that revelation wouldn't come until later, in a moment that took her completely by surprise.

It came on a day that was just another ordinary day as the girl stood before her dresser mirror straightening her hair. She doesn't really remember what was going on in her brain when the revelation hit her, but she's pretty sure she was praying. In a split second her ordinary morning contained an extraordinary moment. It was like doors were suddenly thrown open and a room in her mind was illuminated. From one moment to the next, she was aware of everything. The lies the enemy had fed her. The impact it had had on her whole world since she was still just a little girl. The many ways she'd been living in belief of this lie without even being aware of it. One thought revealed it all, a small voice whispering to her, "They never considered aborting you."

                                                                                      *Photo found on Pinterest

With the whisper of truth came such a sense of wonder and delight. I was awash with this feeling of total weightlessness, this taste of true freedom. As I'm sure you've guessed, this is my story. I was that little girl who grew up feeling the suffocating effects of the insecurities caused by the enemy's lies. I grew up with the wonderful parents in a loving home yet still felt unwanted. It was not because of anything my parents ever said or did, there's no memory I can ever recall that would add weight to the lies I was fed by the enemy. The lies that I was unwanted, that my parents had to decide between keeping me or aborting me is just that, lies. When God revealed the truth to me, when my heart and mind were set free from these lies for the first time since before I was eight, I was undone. Tears flowed and my heart rejoiced. I was laughing and crying at the same time, so overcome by this feeling of LIGHT that came with the truth. I had always been wanted. They never questioned what they were going to do about me or with me. They already knew. They were going to have another baby and they were going to love this one as much as they loved their other children. They were happy about me. I was finally seeing that my family wasn't complete without me. My mom didn't have peace about the operation because it wasn't the right time, she didn't have me yet. But after I was born? She had no anxiety or qualms about it at all. I was here now, she was holding me in her arms, and our family of five was complete.

                                                                    *Photo credit - abbey-dukey-lifey.blogspot.com/

I share this part of my story with a prayer that God will use it to encourage someone. Sharing these parts of myself isn't easy, but if it can bring hope to a heart, than the pain on my end is worth it. You are worth it. I don't know your stories, I don't know where you are in life, but He does. I don't know what lies the enemy has fed you and led you to believe, but He does. I don't have the power to rescue you and save you, but He does. I don't have the ability to eradicate the enemy's lies and bring healing to your hearts and minds, but He does. "..greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world." (1 John 4:4KJV)

I've typed and erased so many conclusions to this post. Every one I've tried just feels off, nothing is working for me. It's all gibberish or just doesn't flow. Maybe it's because there isn't an ending yet? This whole post has been about part of my story and perhaps I can't type the right ending simply because my story isn't finished yet. So I'm not going to sit here any longer and try to come up with the right conclusion. I'm going to leave you with a verse that keeps repeating in my brain and stop obsessing over whether I wrapped this all up in a pretty enough bow.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33NIV)

A Call To My Heart

*Photo found on Pinterest

"Be still, my heart"

It's become a colloquialism we use, but mostly in a joking manner. We see a new gadget we want, "Be still, my heart." Someone attractive enters the room, "Be still, my heart!" It's just this thing we say, this phrase we use, these words we speak. Not meaningful words nor wishful words. Just words.

But do we want our hearts to truly be still?

I don't remember what it was that made me think it, but this past week I did - something caused me to mentally say, "Be still, my heart!" Right after thinking that, these other thoughts were thought, "What does that actually mean? Do I really want a still heart?"

As a noun, the word still isn't such a problem for me. 

"Deep silence and calm; stillness. 

Synonyms: quiet, tranquility, peace, serenity"

I'm okay with this definition. I would like my heart to stay calm when storms arise in life. I would enjoy my heart being peaceful in the face of fear. I would love a heart that resembled a tranquil state rather than an offended one. I would be happy to have a serene heart.

But as an adjective? 

"Not moving or making a sound. 

Synonyms: motionless, unmoving, stock-still, immobile, inanimate, stationary"

This definition I am not so okay with in regards to my heart. I do not want a heart that is unmovable, a heart that is stationary. A heart that stays silent in the face of injustices. Oh no, I do not wish to describe my heart in this way at all.

  *Photo found on Etsy

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."(Proverbs 4:23) To me this doesn't sound like a heart that is stock-still. This Scripture does not bring an inanimate object to mind when I read it. "The wellspring of life"  brings to mind the words active and alive, not motionless or transfixed. I prefer the type of heart described in Scripture.

I want a heart that is moved by the happy and the sad, the good and the bad. I want a heart that is purposeful and intentional in it's beating. I want a heart that is pumping blood throughout my veins because, no matter what, life is a gift and it is good to be alive.

I want my heart to race with exhilaration when I'm tasting freedom astride my horse. I want it to leap with joy when I witness a person accept and believe that Jesus Christ died just for them! I want it to be a living conduit for Christ's love to flow through. I want it to be filled with warmth and laughter as I watch my niece and nephews be crazy kids.

*Photo credit - camilalsantos.files.wordpress.com

I want my heart to do the happy dance at the sight of my husband's smile. I hope it always pounds in thrilling anticipation of his arrival home after a day spent apart. I desire it to always remain thankful to be looking into eyes that are full of admiration of me and adoration for me. I yearn for it to sync with his heart and beat alongside it for the rest of our lives.

I pray to have a heart that beats with real humility as I endeavor to obey Scripture and "boast only about the LORD." (2 Corinthians 10:17NLT) I long to have mine seek justice for wrong-doings, but never lose sight of mercy and grace. I wish to have a pure heart before the Lord, one free of bitterness and anger.

I yearn for a heart that breaks for what breaks the Father's. I do not want it to be still when I hear the horrifying stories of humans being trafficked and sold into modern day slavery. I do not wish it to remain unmoved when I look into a face that bears the marks of betrayal, abuse, and devastation. I do not ask it to stay stoic when I'm seeing animals who've been neglected and discarded. I want it to overflow with love for those who others have deemed unlovable.

How can I be all that God's called me to be if my heart remains still? How can I be a light in this dark and broken world if my heart remains immobile? How can I embrace the hurting people if my heart ignores their silent screams? How can I genuinely love if my heart resembles a stone?

*Photo found on Etsy

"Be still, my heart."

It's just another phrase we say without really thinking about it's meaning. This week, however, I did think about it. I pondered it and wondered about it. I considered if I was having a conversation with my heart would, "be still" really be the words I'd wish to say? My conclusion is no. No, those would not be the words that I would let pass through my lips. I'd tell it all the things I've now told you, the readers. 

I'd tell it to embrace each day, to take new journeys, to open up freely. To beat, to pulse, to race, to pound. To break, to heal, to love, to feel. And one thing I'm now certain I'd tell it for sure:

*Photo credit - if-airytales.blogspot.com

My heart, don't you dare be still...

Miracle Musings

Lately, I've been doing some pondering about miracles. These wonderings and wanderings of my mind have been brought on by the fact that I have a birthday coming up. To some, this may seem silly. "A birthday makes you ponder miracles?" Why yes, yes it does. Because when I was twenty-one I laid on an emergency room gurney with the full belief that I was going to die. No more life for me. No more dancing around the kitchen with my dog, no more riding around an arena on my horses. No more hugs and kisses, no more giggles and oh-my-word-I'm-going-to-pee-myself laughter. No more watching my niece grow up, taking trips down memory lane with my sister, or listening to my parents get sillier as time passes. No more growing older, no more dreams of being a mommy, no more discoveries about myself. No more holidays spent surrounded by family, no more excitement of shopping for the right gifts for my loved ones. No more birthday celebrations because no more birthdays for me. No more this, no more that. No more me. 

Maybe now you can understand why the fact that I'm about to celebrate my twenty-fifth birthday leads to my miracle musings.

*My wonderful husband and I on Christmas Eve, 2013

Miracles. Just the word itself is beautiful, but the actual happening of one? Now that is…well, miraculous!

Sadly, in this century and culture, it's really become more of just a word. It's just something we say, like a sentence filler. Our phrases need something encouraging and uplifting, so we throw in the word miracle and let it spruce up it's surrounding words a bit. 

Miracles. We pray for them but sometimes we pray out of obligation, not belief. We mention a miracle in our prayers because that's what we've been taught to do, not understanding what it is we're truly asking for. We ask for a miracle because we're desperate, not because we truly believe we'll receive one. We ask but often expect to be ignored. We don't always do it consciously or intentionally, we've just become so enmeshed in the world's way of seeing things that we've started to forget the powerfulness of our God. 

Miracles. I grew up learning about some pretty amazing ones...

An angel intervened when a man was fed to some lions (Daniel 6)

The King protected three men thrown into a fiery furnace (Daniel 3)

A mere shepherd boy defeated a giant (1 Samuel 17)

A man and his family were saved from a flood (Genesis 5)

God spoke to a man through a burning bush (Exodus 3)

Our whole world was created in seven days (Genesis 1)

Freedom was gained by two prisoners singing praises (Acts 16)

A man hung out in the belly of a fish (Jonah 1&2)

The King gave up His throne to come to us as a baby (Luke 2)

Love hung on a cross so we could be redeemed (John 19)

Death was defeated (Mark 16)

*Photo found on Pinterest  

Miracles. When we read through the Bible we encounter countless occasions where miracles were performed. In the New Testament, we find account after account of Jesus doing miracles. People who had only ever seen black had their eyes opened to the vast beauty that surrounded them. Those who had never been able to even walk began to run and leap, dancing in the street. People who'd been subject to silence could now hear their children's laughter, their friends' hellos, and their loved ones' I love yous. Those who had never been able to let their voices be heard were now speaking and singing, laughing with joy. Even some who had died were brought back to life!

Isn't it sad that when we read through that list, it's like reading through our grocery list? Tomatoes, lettuce, rice, lame leaping, mute speaking, dead living, our Savior saving, bananas, chicken breast, and oh - oreos!!

We've heard the stories so many times that the wonder of it all has worn off. We no longer stand in awe as we should. We're no longer left amazed at the miraculous things He has done nor the ones He's still doing.

The tests that come back clean and leave the doctors baffled

The survivors who walked away from a horrible accident

The soldier who survived having both of his legs blown off

The baby that survived the abortion attempt

They're not always what we'd call big miracles though. Our life is actually full of daily miracles, we're just too complacent to notice them all. We have fallen asleep amidst God's wonders and it's time we wake up and again recognize His power.

A baby being formed in its mother's womb.

Fingers and toes, arms and legs, lungs and a heart, kidneys and a brain… 

God-written love stories

The neigh of a horse, the chirp of a bird, the bark of a dog…

The changing of the seasons - each snowflake, every leaf, all the raindrops and rainbows

The crops swaying in the breeze as they grow in the fields

Thunder rumbling

Lightening flashing

Sun shining

Moon beaming

Dancers dancing

Singers singing

Artists creating

Mothers loving

Fathers protecting

Babies giggling

Children growing

Our Savior still saving

Miracles. For the past four years I've become much more aware of the miracles in my life. He used the aforementioned ER experience to help open my eyes and make me more attuned to my daily miracles, both big and small. From walking out of every emergency room I end up in to walking outside to feed the horses. From coming out of the severe attacks to waking up to a new day. My siblings and I liking each other (that's rare in this day and age.) My parents who've always been able to look past the sickness and just see me. A husband who adores me and holds my hand through every day we encounter. Being able to eat more than just potatoes (that's another story in itself.) 

 *Photo found on Pinterest

Life is full of miracles. It's up to us to open our eyes and see them. God hasn't stopped performing them, we've stopped recognizing them. Heavens ears are open and our prayers are being heard. So go ahead and ask for those miracles you so desperately need, confident in the knowledge that your Father is listening. Just don't get so caught up in the asking that you fail to see the miracles He's already given you…

Grace bestowed

Mercy extended

Sins erased

Forgiveness given

Redemption rendered

And let us never forget - 

Our Savior Who's still saving

"Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'" - Matthew 19:26NIV

Questions and Doubts

                                                               *Photo found on www.tunewiki.com through Pinterest

There's a song that's been playing in my head lately, a chorus that keeps coming to mind when I pray about what I should post about next. I find that this is often how God leads me, by stirring something inside me through music. It's a melody and lyrics that seem to be written straight from my heart. It's words that I don't just hear, but ones I actually feel. It's a song by Plumb called, "Need You Now". The chorus so aptly describes my heart's prayer these past couple weeks as I've struggled with my health.

How many times have You heard me cry out,

"God, please take this"?

How many times have You given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh, I need You

God, I need You now.

Most of the time I can deal with my sickness fairly easily. On most days the pain is routine and steady. I know it's there, but I don't dwell on it because it's simply what I always feel. It's not something I enjoy, but it is something I'm used to. If I wasn't sick in some way every day that's when I'd get thrown off... 

But there are days, days that sometimes become weeks, where it all just feels too heavy, where each breath becomes a chore because with each one in and out there's pain. So. Much. Pain. There are times when my chest feels like it's going to collapse through my spine with every breath. Times when I'm almost paralyzed wherever I'm at because with each breath pain shoots from the very bottom of my spine to the very top as if it's going to blast apart like a bomb has gone off inside of me. I get worried when something I normally don't even think about becomes something I have to focus so hard on doing. Breathing is supposed to be natural, something your body just takes care of. For some of us, though, there are times in our lives when each individual breath we take feels like we've just climbed Mt. Everest and then we have to exhale and that's its own battle in itself. But we keep climbing mountains, we keep inhaling and exhaling, even though we don't know when the pain is going to end, when we're going to be able to just simply breathe again. We keep fighting through the pain because we refuse to be beaten and defeated by it.

                                                                *Photo credit - coffeeandyoga.tumblr.com

There are also times when my whole torso screams in pain and I'm under attack from a faceless foe, one who somehow snuck inside and turned my body against me. There are times when my lower abdomen ups the pain level significantly and starts ripping itself apart while simultaneously stabbing me repeatedly with what feels like a very sharp instrument. Times when I'm left begging and pleading for it all to just stop while I crawl across the floor in an attempt to escape the pain because I'm incapable of standing in these moments. There are times when I get lost inside the pain and feel like there's no way out. Times when I'm pushed sprawling and screaming into a panic attack that I want nothing to do with. These panic attacks that lead to my extremities going numb and me unable to breathe right so I'm forced to listen to someone else and regulate my inhales and exhales with theirs. There are excruciatingly painful times when I'm left questioning if the pain will ever end or if this will be the attack that finally brings me face to face with my Jesus.

This has been a long and intense struggle. I've dealt with this illness my whole life and trudged my way through the past few years as it's gotten worse. It hasn't been just a physical journey of pain though, it's been a spiritual one as well. I've gone through times of anger at God for allowing this to be my reality, times of questioning and doubt as to why He won't just heal me already. His Word says in Isaiah 53:5 that, "by His wounds we are healed." In Jeremiah 29:11-13 we're told that He has plans for us, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." There are so many Scriptures I could quote with promises just like these, but for a season of my life I felt like these promises weren't meant for me, because if they were then I was being gypped, or at least that's how it felt. It was easier for me to convince myself that He didn't mean these words for me specifically than it was for me to deal with the feelings that were rolling around inside me, the feelings that God had failed me.Thinking that way felt too wrong and treacherous, so I tucked it aside and tried to ignore it because it made me feel like a fraud, a fake, a hypocrite. 

I have walked through seasons of despair, of feeling hopeless and confused as to why I was even still alive. I've asked the question of Him numerous times, "Why did You call me to do what You've called me to do and then leave me here incapable of actually doing it??" I met with a Christian psychologist for a few months to help me deal with all my negative feelings in regards to all this. Through my conversations with her, God brought about healing. On my own, I tend to bottle my emotions up but I was driven to get help because I felt like I had this chasm between Christ and myself because of the anger I didn't know how to deal with. I know He loves me and I trust He can heal me so I couldn't get those to match up with the fact that, for some reason, it seemed God wasn't listening nor responding to my prayers. He was patient and gracious with me as I struggled through these feelings and doubts. When I find myself falling back into these questions, He's merciful with His reminders of how good He truly is.

In the midst of all the hurt and anger, I'd find moments of peace. They'd make absolutely no sense to me, but it'd be like He'd simply turn it all off for a bit so that my mind and my heart could rest. In those times I'd be experiencing what we were told in Philippians 4:7(ESV), "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Those moments of peace, those times where my questions and wonderings were set aside, were like taking a breath of fresh air after being stuck in a smelly, used garbage can. Those days would bring His Truth to life and I'd be renewed and refreshed for the fight that still lay ahead. He'd give me insight and answers to some of my questions, He'd leave me with peace over not knowing answers to the others. 

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One such time was when I had really been struggling over the verses in Jeremiah where He tells us He has good plans for us. I'd pray about them, think on them, and try to figure it out. "How is this good, Lord? Where is my good?" I wanted to know, I wanted something good to focus on when my mind became cloudy with pain. For weeks I circled around and around these verses, trying to get that Truth to mesh with my reality. I don't remember where I was or what I was doing when He gave me insight into this, but I do know the impact of it is something I won't ever forget. It was like a lightbulb suddenly went off in my brain. With one whisper He gave me rest, "My ways are not your ways, My thoughts are not your thoughts. You know this, Child. Doesn't it stand to follow then that My definition of "good" might differ from your definition of it?" 

Whoa… I get warm fuzzies around my heart just typing that out! In my mind "good" meant no longer being sick, "good" was not going through the pain happening in my personal life, "good" meant things were right and happy in my world. But I know now that my view of "good" is not the same as His. Truly good things have come through all this "bad" in my life. If I hadn't gone through the hardship in my personal life than I never would have been able to fall in love with my incredible husband. For him, knowing he'd be waiting for me at the end of the struggle, I'd walk through that pain a hundred times over. In a different part of my life, if I hadn't gone through all these trials and struggles with my health, I wouldn't be as able to relate to others who are suffering in their own struggles. If I hadn't been so sick then I might not have been forced to rely so heavily on my Creator, which I believe would be a tragedy. This sickness has taken me deeper and farther in my faith then I may have ever gone without it.

"Why is she telling us all this?" you may be wondering. Am I wanting sympathy, for people to read this and feel sorry for me? No. Am I wanting others to know how bad it can be for me so that they'll think I'm such a great person when they see me smile? No. Do I say all this to get recognition and praise from you? No. I told you this only because this is what God has called me to share in this post. I want to be obedient to Him, even when what He's telling me to share with you is something I'd rather have none of you know. It may be weird to you or seem silly, but I personally dislike having other people know that I'm sick. Because I don't want their sympathy or "poor Andrea" eyes. Not because I feel it makes me weak, not because I think they see me as less. I don't want it because I feel like us humans too easily focus on the negatives of life and I'd rather people be aware of all the truly good and wonderful things in my world. 

Maybe you're in need of a reminder that God is good, all the time. A reminder that even though at times we have no idea what He's doing or why He's doing it, we can always rest in knowing Who He is. No matter what your circumstances may be screaming at you, no matter what lies the enemy may be trying to keep you chained in, you can hold tight to the Truth of just Who our Lord is. He is El Shaddai (Lord God Almighty), He is El Elyon (The Most High God), He is Yahweh (Lord, Jehovah), He is Jehovah-Raah (The Lord My Shepherd), He is Jehovah Rapha (The Lord That Heals), He is Jehovah Shalom (The Lord Is Peace). He is everlasting, ever faithful, ever true. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. He is our Defender, our Champion, and our Savior. He is incomprehensible, indestructible, and inescapable. He is our Creator, our Deliverer, and our Redeemer. He is fair, kind, and just. He is our strength, our hope, and our comfort. He is everything we need and He never runs out. He is active and alive in our lives. He is Truth. He is Love. He is Good. 

Do not get stuck in despair, in feelings of hopelessness or questions and doubts, my Friends. Walk through them, grow in them, and learn from them. Don't let the enemy hold you back from experiencing what God has in store for you. You're not alone in your doubts. You're not the only one who feels like Heaven shuts it's ears at times. You're not the only one who struggles to believe and claim His promises. I've been there too and I know how hard and hopeless it can seem at times. Acknowledge the questions and seek His answers. Learn Who our Abba is, ask Him to reveal Himself to you. Then be prepared to be amazed at everything you discover. Don't take my word for it, don't just claim my list of Who He is above, personalize it for yourself. Take the journey and come to know the Truth of Who He is. Maybe you'll come to learn as I did that what you've been viewing as bad is actually something incredibly good in your life. Let yourself feel and then let yourself heal.

"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says GOD, "I'll get you out of any trouble. I'll give you the best of care if you'll only get to know and trust me. Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times; I'll rescue you, then throw you a party. I'll give you a long life, give you a long drink of salvation!"

Psalm 91:14-16(MSG)

                                                                      *Photo credit - infinitiluxe.tumblr.com

God speaks in the car

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I was sitting quietly in the passenger seat, my head turned to look out at the passing scenery. To anyone who saw me I probably just looked like I was enjoying the view, taking it all in. That wasn't it at all though, I doubt I was even seeing what we were passing. I was too busy stewing in my anger, too annoyed and irritated to take notice of nature's beauty around us. My adorable husband wasn't aware that I had mentally declared war, he was oblivious to the battle I was enmeshed in.

Earlier we had had a disagreement, one I honestly don't think he was even aware of because I didn't actually state my opinion verbally, more so just by my body language. You know those silent cues to let the other person know they've transgressed against us… crossing our arms, angling away from them, rolling our eyes, huffing and sighing instead of just breathing normally. Well let's just say my husband innocently missed these cues and just went about doing what he wanted.

In all fairness he did nothing wrong. I should've spoken up. He wasn't even looking at me so how was he supposed to see all my silent cues? But when we're in the thick of our anger, we're very rarely able to be fair. Me? I was too piping hot to be rational in that moment. So I became an outwardly silent passenger while mentally my voice was ringing out loud.

"Why did we have to do this his way? How did he win and why did I have to lose??" were my incredibly selfish thoughts. After I stewed on those a bit then some other thoughts popped up and left me feeling conflicted, "Do I speak up or let it go? Am I setting a bad pattern for the rest of our marriage by allowing this to pass without expressing my inner upset over it? I don't want to lose my voice!" 

James 4:1-2 (MSG) says, "Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don't have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn't yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it." 

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I grew up in church, I memorized Scripture, and I knew that my reaction to this situation was wrong. This wasn't a justified and holy anger - this was a selfish and I-just-want-it-my-way anger. But even knowing that, I still wanted to be heard, still wanted my opinion to matter. I hesitated to speak up in the car though because I worried that by doing so I would hurt his feelings. As angry and annoyed as I was, it didn't mean I wanted to hurt him. I never want to intentionally (or unintentionally) cause this wonderful man any harm. 

"God, what's the right thing to do here??"

The Holy Spirit replied by reminding me of some wise advice we had received in our pre-marital counseling. Disagreements and conflicts will arise, there's no doubt about that, but they don't have to tear us apart. They can make us stronger. So when those times come and we're not sure how to bend and come into agreement, we were told to remember, declare, and mean this statement, "I love you more than I love being right." 

Therein was my answer. I was to love him more.

More than being heard, more than being right, more than having it my way. More than being seen, more than being recognized, more than being in control.

I'm called to love him more than I love any of those things. 

It's not easy, at times it's really hard to lay my flesh down for him. But then I'm reminded of John 15:13 (NIV), " Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends." This verse is most often correlated with death and I think that's why it pops into my head in these kinds of situations, because we've been called to die to ourselves/flesh. Jesus said, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." (Luke 9:23ESV) Another Scripture teaches us, "And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." (Galatians 5:24ESV) Over in Ephesians 5:21 (MSG) we're told, "Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another." 

We're shown over and over again that this life we're living in Christ is not about us. It's not about being recognized, valued, or applauded. It's not about being heard, known, or seen. It's about laying our lives down, denying our flesh it's selfish desires, and loving our Savior and those He's called us to love. 

                                                                *Photo credit - enchantingsecret.muzy.com

Love is a choice and it's one that has to be made daily. I have to continuously choose to love my husband more than I love my flesh. Not because he makes it so hard that it's a daily struggle. In fact, it's quite the opposite - my husband makes it quite easy to love him. But my flesh still rears it's ugly head and I want things my own way.. it's in those moments that I have to consciously make that choice - I have to choose to love him more than myself in those times.

Micah 6:8(MSG) states, "But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what GOD is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, and don't take yourself too seriously - take GOD seriously." The NIV translation says it this way, "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

I'm thankful that my desire to protect him from being hurt on that car ride was greater than my desire to be heard, because it kept me from speaking towards him in anger with words I would have ended up regretting. He mattered more to me than my opinion. Protecting him from being hurt is part of my privilege as his wife. I've come to realize that sometimes the thing he needs protection from most is my selfish flesh.

I'm grateful that I serve the One True God who is active and alive, the God who shows up in my daily life and speaks His Truth to me. I love that He does it in ways that grab my attention and make sense to me. I love that when my heart cries out to Him, He responds.

So I'll take these Truths and insights He's given me in regards to all this and pass them on in hopes that maybe they can help someone else who may be struggling with something similar. I'll leave the speaking and prompting of your hearts to Him.

Me? I think I'll take the time to notice nature's beauty and make up for what I missed out on during that car ride a few weeks ago…