a boy in need of hope

I'd like to share with you the story of a boy I had the privilege of meeting a few seasons ago. He was around 12 or 13 when I first met him. For the purpose of this post and the sake of his privacy, I'll call him Levi. 

The first time I saw Levi was when he climbed out of the van at Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch. He came with a group of 5 other boys, ages 11-18. They had just emerged from a (roughly) 30 minute drive after a full day of being in school. To say they were all bundles of energy in need of some way to expend it all would be an understatement. These weren't the type of youth who were used to having room to run and play, so all the openness of the ranch was a new experience for them. 

We only had a limited amount of time with them, so after introductions were made we immediately began the sessions. While I took 1 of the boys with me to be with the horses, the other 5 were free to just enjoy the freedom by running around or doing a craft. I think that day they made paper airplanes and competed in whose went the furthest (although I could be wrong since I wasn't involved in that part.) Everyone had fun and when the afternoon came to a close, they left with smiles on their faces. As they loaded back into their van, echoes of, "Thanks, nice ladies!" could be heard throughout the yard. With smiles of our own we told them we looked forward to seeing them all again.

While the group did come back, Levi was absent. I'd only seen him that one time, but something about him had made him stick out to me. There was something in the way he acted, the way he spoke, just how he was that made me remember him. So when he continued to be absent, I inquired about why he was no longer coming. I found out that he didn't really fit in with the other boys that were coming, he didn't really consider them friends.

I had become friends with the woman who would always bring them (let's call her Angela) so every few weeks I'd text her and see how the groups were doing. One day she text me first, asking for us to be praying for the youth. There had been a suicide of a teenage boy that they all knew and they weren't handling it very well. The cops ended up pulling two more kids off the railroad tracks over the next couple days, I believe. It seems there was now a suicide pact among them.

While all the boys who had come to the ranch were affected in some way by this, not all of them had joined the suicide pact. Levi, however, did. My heart broke for him upon learning this. How could this boy who hadn't even really lived yet want to end it all so young? Why would he become part of such a thing? What must his life be filled with that would cause him to want to leave it so soon?

"God, what can I do?!", my heart cried. "Please, help!!" I kept praying for these youth, for Levi specifically as he was the only one I actually knew. I cried and I prayed for a way to help him. At some point I felt a stirring in me to write him a letter. I didn't know if this would be acceptable or not to his parents, so I contacted Angela for her advice. After explaining what I wanted to do, I asked if she thought Levi would be okay with that. Her response? "Yes!! Write him, please!" So I sat down at my desk, I prayed for God to give me the right words, and I began to write.

                                                             *Photo found on Pinterest*

I began by telling him that we had really enjoyed having him at the ranch and that we'd missed him the past few times the groups came without him. I told him I hoped we'd get to see him again sometime soon. I wrote to him that I had heard about his friend's death and how sorry I was to hear it. I let him know that I was aware that he was having a hard time with it all and that I would be praying for him. I then told him that, though I knew he was in a really hard place right then, things would get better. I wrote that there was a reason he was born, a purpose behind his creation, and that this world needed to have him in it. I gave him the words that he was wanted, he was needed, and he was loved.

I sent the letter off with prayers that God would reach him through it. I hoped that through the words I'd written, his heart would feel hope. I prayed that, even though I felt like my words weren't good enough, God would still use this letter in a mighty way in Levi's life.

Angela informed me after Levi received his letter and not only did Levi love receiving it, but his mom appreciated it as well. And do you know what? Levi showed up with the next group of youth that came to the ranch. He came with a smile, so eager to be with the horses again. When he found out that he was going to get to ride one of the horses, he was all for it. He even volunteered to take everyone else's turns if they were hesitant to try it.

Levi had admitted to the counselors that he did have a plan of how to kill himself. He began to receive help dealing with it all, hopefully learning how to mourn the loss of his friend but not allow it to destroy his own life. Instead of following through on his part in the suicide pact, Levi made the brave choice and chose life instead. 

Due to the winter weather and Angela having changed jobs, we don't know what Levi's story entails today. We hope the short time we had with him made a lasting impression and we pray that others will reach out to him on his journey through his teenage years.

He was a boy going through a hard time, one I didn't even realize. While on the outside he appeared fine, inside he was hurting and confused. Life had been hard for him, forcing him to deal with things a child his age should never have to experience. In the midst of the pain and chaos, he needed to hear that he mattered. He needed to know that someone saw him, cared about him, and wanted him around. If we're all honest with ourselves, don't we want those very same things?

I share this story for a couple reasons:

- I'd like to make you more aware of the struggles and difficulties our young people are facing today. The world they're growing up in is very different than when we were the kids running around. The messages they're receiving through the media, the things they're being taught (or should I say, aren't being taught) in school, the mistakes they're seeing the adults around them make while claiming them to be "right" and "true" - these all add up to our youth growing up too fast in a world filled with chaos. Don't be so quick to judge them as rebels and hooligans. The things they're doing are, a lot of times, just them trying to escape their pain or survive their lives. If no one's teaching them any differently, how can we berate them for behaving the way they do? Next time, smile at them. Say a kind word. Take the time to invest in their lives. You never know what someone else may be struggling with. Who knows? Maybe you just encountered your own "Levi"...

- God hears us when we pray and He responds to our call. I truly believe that heaven is moved by our petitions and prayers. Our voices are not just bouncing off the clouds or being absorbed by the earth. No, I believe that when we pray our voices go to heaven's throne room and straight to our Savior. There is power in prayer, there is purpose in praying, and things happen when we lift our voices and cry out to Him! May we never buy the lie that God is not hearing us. The enemy would love for us to believe that. He wants to defeat us before we pray because he knows through prayer he is defeated!

- God will use us right where we are, if we'll let Him. If we surrender ourselves to Him and allow Him to be in control, God can use us to reach this hurting world. We are surrounded by people who are desperate for someone to show them that they matter. All around us are people who need to hear the words that they are wanted, that they have a purpose, that they are loved. We all have the ability to speak those words, yet we keep them locked inside. Sometimes it's out of ignorance - we don't realize an opportunity has arisen for us to help someone in need. Sometimes it's out of fear - we're too afraid to speak because if we do there's a chance we'll say it wrong and appear foolish. 

One of the things I love about God is that He takes our bumbling and fumbling attempts and uses them to touch someone in need. It's not us who have the power to heal these peoples' wounds, but Him alone who holds that power. The pressure to have the exact right words that will touch someone's life is not on us. We simply need to trust Him to be present and speak through us. It's a beautiful thing when He chooses to use us as a conduit for which His love and healing power flow through. 

I challenge you to join with me in asking the Holy Spirit to open our eyes to someone in need today.  Let's ask Him to make us aware when opportunities arise for us to speak life into someone's heart.  Let's join together and call on Him for the courage and boldness needed to open our mouths and speak instead of biting our tongues due to fear. May we give Him our day and see how He uses it. 

May we surrender our hands to touch who He leads us to. Surrender our feet to walk where He's calling us to go. Surrender our hearts to love those He's giving us to love. Surrender our mouths to speak when and what He wants us to say. Surrender our lives so, through our dying of self, He may bring true life to someone else. 

May our eyes be opened to the needs of those around us. May our hearts be softened towards those who are acting out in defense against the pain and despair. May we begin to recognize and answer these hurting people's silent screams.

*If you'd like to learn more about Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch, you can visit the website here. Join us in extending love to today's youth.

                                                       *Photo credit to Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch*

living... breathing... art

"A Million Little Ways" by Emily P. Freeman

*I'm sorry, but I'm not sure who the photo credit goes to...

I recently went on a two month hiatus from this blog. Maybe you read every post of mine so you noticed when I stopped writing. Or perhaps this is the first post you've ever read so my absence didn't even cause a ripple of awareness in your world. Whatever the case, I'd like to share with you why my fingers ceased their typing.

I've been reading Emily P. Freeman's book, "A Million Little Ways." This book is very encouraging and challenging for me, I'm absolutely loving the things I'm learning through it. My husband and I moved when I was a little over halfway through it and somehow in the packing my book got misplaced so I was unable to finish it. Thankfully I found it recently so I've been able to just restart from the beginning. This made me one happy girl!

The tagline, if you will, for this book is "uncover the art you were made to live." Emily talks about how we're all artists and that we were born to make art, we were made to live art. Whatever we do, that is our art. I strongly encourage anyone and everyone to read it because it's such an inspiring read. This book was actually the push I needed to surrender to God's calling on me to begin this very blog. 

It's also what helped me realize that I needed to step back and take a break from the writing. My mind had begun to be crowded with worries over what you, the readers, were thinking about what I was writing. Were you enjoying it or was I boring you? Would the comments bring compliments or ridicule? Was I at all making a difference or was I wasting my time?

I had also begun to be intimidated by the art other women were producing. In the beginning, I loved reading their blogs and finding encouragement in their posts. But then that encouragement morphed into intimidation for me. Their words and the ways they used them seemed so much better than my own. Their blogs get read by many while mine might only be seen by a few.

Emily caught what I was feeling in chapter 6 of her book and she says it this way - 

"Sometimes my biggest enemy isn't the critic spitting rude in my face, 

it's the artist crafting beautiful, gracious work by my side."

In my eyes, their art is on par with da Vinci while I'm still playing with finger paints. Theirs gets the esteemed place of gracing peoples walls while mine is more fit for the side of a refrigerator. Their art is so much prettier, so much more profound, so much more inspiring so why do I even try when I obviously don't measure up?

"As a matter of fact, do everything that way, heartily and freely to God's glory." (1 Corinthians 10:31MSG)

I was sitting on my bed with the laptop in front of me while I tried getting the words to flow right for another post when it hit me - my focus wasn't in the right place. I couldn't get the message to sound right because my own ears had been turned to my inner critic's voice. Somewhere along the line my thoughts had changed from, "What do you want me to share, Lord?" to "What do they want to hear?" So I pushed the Mac away and began my break from the blogger world. In that moment, a phrase from Emily's book resonated in my heart.

"I'm no longer an image bearer with a job to do. 

I have become a job doer with an image to maintain."

I needed to step away from the art because it had become too important. I had come to a place where surrender was once again required. I felt in my heart that I needed some time apart from the task of writing for my blog.

                                                              *Photo found on Pinterest*

I wanted to once again be at the place where my reason for opening myself up through my blog was so that God would be glorified. I needed to let go of the hindrances I had picked up by measuring my blog's status against that of others' success. I needed to once again find peace about being at my art table with my finger paints. I longed to again be content with my place of honor on someone's fridge (and it is an honorary place because that's where all the beautiful childlike art gets showcased.) I felt called to sink again into Him so that my words would point towards Him, not towards myself. This blog is never supposed to be about me, it's reason for being is to show His power and presence in my life so that others may be encouraged. I lost sight of all of that when I began comparing myself to others and worrying about how y'all viewed me.

"Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life." (Galatians 6:4-5MSG)

I didn't write anything over the course of the two months. When ideas for posts would flutter in my brain, I'd allow them to flutter right back out without writing them down anywhere. I didn't want to do anything related with my own blog until I felt God give me the go ahead to start sharing again. I figured if these thoughts and ideas were things He wanted me to share, than I could trust He'd remind me of them when the time came.

While my heart and mind felt ready before the two months was over, I continued to stay absent because I didn't feel like God had told me to start writing again. I never had a plan of staying away so long, but I'm trying to trust more in the Truth that God's timing is best and in so doing wait on Him to lead me onward instead of just rashly forging ahead. In this situation, that meant keeping my fingers off the keyboard and allowing Him to control when/if I wrote another post.

I'm happy to be back and writing again, though the break from it was greatly needed. I didn't realize how much until I'd stepped back from it. I think that happens more often than we realize.

We know God's calling us to do something so we surrender and step out in obedience. Then we put our all into this purpose He's given us, at times not realizing when the ministry becomes more important than the One Who called us to it. I think at times we can get so busy serving God that we lose the closeness and intimacy He longs for us to have with Him. Our relationship with Him suffers when we become too busy serving Him that we no longer have time simply to be with Him.

My heart's prayer is that He would step in and open my eyes anytime I start to veer off course. I do not want my life to be about checking things off the list that I feel I need to do for Him. I want my life to be a work of art that brings glory and honor to my Abba. I want my art to be a visible portrayal of my heart's devotion to the Artist.

*If you'd like to check out some of the blogs I find encouragement from, just click on the links below. Happy reading!

chatting at the sky by Emily P. Freeman

Holley Gerth by Holley Gerth

TimeWarpWife by Darlene Schacht

A Holy Experience by Ann Voskamp 

Good Morning Girls by contributors Angela, Courtney, Jennifer, and Whitney

Women Living Well by Courtney Joseph

Club 31 Women by Lisa Jacobson

If any of my male readers are interested in some blogs written by men (or any of you females know a man looking for some), here are a few I've found while researching different topics for my blog. I'm obviously not a man so I haven't really read through or "vetted" these, but from what I've seen they look like good blogs.

Matthew Jacobson by Matthew Jacobson (who is married to Lisa from Club 31 Women)

Jarrid Wilson by Jarrid Wilson (this link also leads to his wife's, Juli, blog as well)

Striving for Wisdom by Chris Cartwright 

Husband Revolution by several contributors

A case of nervous yawns

I've always had this crazy dream. To some it wouldn't seem so crazy, but to me it's one of those keep-dreaming-girl-it-ain't-ever-gonna-happen type things. You know what I'm talking about, right? Those things that at the mere thought of them your heart races with excitement even though they're so far-fetched you just know a dream is all they'll ever be.

Yeah. It's always been one of those types of dreams. What's mine about? I've always dreamt of being a woman who would speak to crowds of people. I'd have a message to share and people would invite me to come share it at their church, their organization, or maybe even their conference to help and encourage others. It didn't matter where, that part wasn't important to my dream. The part that mattered, the heart of the dream, was simply that I would speak.

Sometimes the dream would look different. One day I may imagine it as me sitting in a room with a group of teenage girls and leading them in a small group setting. Another day it may be me standing on stage in front of hundreds of people sharing my message with them after we have a wonderful time of worship (which was always led by my brother, of course.) Still another day it may just have been me sitting around a camp fire with a small group of people while I share my heart with them.

Why is this so crazy, you ask? There's something you should know about me and then it'll all make sense - while the idea and dream of getting up in front of people and speaking excites me, the reality of it causes me to shake in my boots with fear.

                                   *Photo credit - http://www.curiositiesbydickens.com/the-other-side-of-fear/

I've never been the type of girl who speaks in front of groups regularly or comfortably. I tend to get so nervous that my mind goes blank and I can't remember what I'm supposed to be talking about. I can only stand there and think how the people listening must think I'm an idiot. So I do what I can to avoid it. Because while it might be an exciting dream, it'd be a terrifying reality.

I've been realizing lately that I'm glad God doesn't seek my approval before doing amazing things in my life. If He checked with me first, I'd miss out on so many things because I'd be too scared to accept them. The way He does it, Him calling me to simply trust and obey, this is definitely the best way for it to go. He sees the whole picture, I only see a small piece.

I want to serve my Savior, I want to follow Him wherever He leads. When I was a teenager I printed this Scripture and taped it to my door:  "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?' And I said, 'Here I am. Send me!'" (Isaiah 6:8) So for years, every time I would open or shut my bedroom door, these words would go through my head and resonate in my heart. At times I was scared about where He'd send me, but I still longed to be obedient and go. So with the opening and closing of that door, my heart was reminded to surrender.

                                              *Photo credit - http://www.knowing-jesus.com/isaiah-6-8/

He does some truly crazy things with a life that's surrendered to Him.

I thought my dream of speaking in front of people would always remain only that - a dream. But where I often see a period, God places a comma. Where I see an ending, He makes a beginning. I believe He heard the prayer of my teenage self, He saw the surrender of my heart, and He called me onto a crazy journey.

In 2010, I experienced deep tragedy in my personal life. Through circumstances beyond my control, I ended up moving back home to my parents'. Because of my failing health, I couldn't be on my own and I rarely left the house. My mom and I became like two hermits, me because of my sickness and her because she was taking care of me. I didn't know whether I would live or die, the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.

In the midst of all the sorrow and pain, I felt God calling me to pursue a vision. I didn't know how much longer I'd be on this earth, but I felt like with however much time I had left I had been given a purpose.

I had always loved horses and wanted to share that with young people. I had also felt since the age of 11 that I had been called to work with youth. I thought it would be cool if these two things would coincide, but didn't actually think it would become real. But in the spring of 2011, that's exactly what happened. 

God reached down into the ashes left over from the tragedies of my life, and He created something beautiful through it. Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch was born in one of the most painful and uncertain seasons of my life.

                                                                      *Photo credit - www.melissaflemingdesigns.com

What does Rescued Hearts have to do with my crazy dream of speaking in front of people? Oh don't you worry, I'm gonna tell you right now…

Recently I was invited to attend a meeting at a local organization and give a 30 minute presentation on our ranch. They said to prepare a 15 minute speech and then allow the rest of the time for any questions. With the phone call, I became anxious. "Do what??? I can't get up and speak in front of people!!" I began to freak out like I always do. This was a great opportunity for the ranch though, one I couldn't pass up, so I agreed to go share with the hopes that someone else would do the actual sharing part. Through much discussion and prayer, however, it was decided that I was the one who needed  to be doing the speaking.

I realize I just made that seem like it was an easy decision so let me inform you of something - it wasn't! I tried telling God there were others more suited to the task. I gave Him their names and extolled their strengths in comparison to my weaknesses. I was seeing similarities between Moses and I as I tried convincing God to use someone else… 

"Moses raised another objection to GOD: 'Master, please, I don't talk well. I've never been good with words, neither before nor after you spoke to me. I stutter and stammer." (Exodus 4:10MSG)

And though His words to me were different, the message behind them was the same as the one He gave Moses all those many years ago.

"GOD said, 'And who do you think made the human mouth? And who makes some mute, some deaf, some sighted, some blind? Isn't it I, GOD? So, get going. I'll be right there with you - with your mouth! I'll be right there to teach you what to say.'" (v.11-12)

                                                                                  *Photo found on Pinterest

I believe God was happy with me for being obedient and starting this blog. This was a big thing for me, sharing in this way. Whereas I saw it as a nice and somewhat comfortable plateau, God apparently saw it as a ladder. Funny how that happens, huh? I was fine with talking to others through these written words (because I'm much more comfortable when I have an "erase" button handy) but God was calling me to keep climbing higher. Having my fingers type wasn't enough, He wanted me to use my voice. Period meet Comma.

I did as much preparing as I could. Over the course of a few days, Mom and I wrote a speech. I then practiced it tons of times, tweaked it to flow better, and practiced it some more. The whole time I clung to the Truth that His grace is sufficient for me, it's in my weakness that His strength is revealed (2 Corinthians 12:9). My mom also gave me some encouraging words when she reminded me that this was all laid out by God, there's no way He was going to walk with me to this place and then abandon me. He would be with me every step of the way as I spoke to this group of strangers. 

The evening arrived. There was no more preparing to do. I had done all I could and was left trusting Him to carry me through. I was so nervous that I wasn't breathing correctly and ended up giving myself a serious case of the yawns, I kid you not. That is not something you need when you're supposed to be giving a presentation! I started mentally quoting every Scripture I knew about not needing to fear because Christ is with me and about His peace always being available for me. 

Before I knew it, it was my turn to share. And do you know what? I blanked. Do you know what else? Nobody could even tell. Because of all the preparing and practicing I'd done, my mouth said what it was supposed to without my brain being able to remember it. And do you know the best part? I don't in any way deserve the glory or praise for it - I know that was God keeping His word and being right there with me and with my mouth. 

Through the whole speech I was nervous and positive I was somehow screwing it up. I know when I get nervous I tend to talk too fast, so I was mentally chastising myself to slow down because I was positive I had cut my speech time in half. Good news? I was wrong. All the anxiety and chaos going on inside of me wasn't at all apparent to the listeners. After I was done, I had so many people tell me what a great job I had done and how they couldn't believe this wasn't something I'd done hundreds of times before. My husband recorded it and you really can't tell that I'm internally freaking out. I was shocked!

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." (Ephesians 2:10NLT)

How great is our God! I know He took over for me. There's no way that it was through any awesomeness on my part that my internal crazy wasn't outwardly visible. The only One Who deserves the credit for that is Him. We are so blessed to serve a God Who is both alive and active. He doesn't just sit back and watch as we stumble through this life. He gets right in there with us, every step of the way. Oh yes, we are blessed! We have no need to fear, because we have Him. No matter what comes, nothing is greater than He. We can do whatever it is He calls us to do, because He will equip and prepare us for every step of the journey.

In those moments, in those 15-30 minutes when I was before that group of people sharing the heart of our ranch with them? That was incredible. It was unlike anything I'd every done before. It gave me hope that this is something I can do, go around and speak in front of people. 

                                                                           *Photo credit - web.stagram.com/

It's in those moments, those insane moments, that God took my crazy, far-fetched dream and made it my crazy reality. Nothing is impossible for Him.

A life surrendered to Him, a heart that longs simply to follow Him.

He takes these and makes something beautiful through them.

Our fears, our doubts, and our worries are not greater than Him.

When we get out of His way, He moves in mighty ways.

A prayer prayed in the depths of my teenage heart.

"Here I am, Abba. I'll go for You. Send me."

A reality I never thought would be mine.

A life beyond anything I could have imagined.

I'm so glad God doesn't seek my permission before calling me onward. 

Be encouraged, Friends. If God has set a task before you, if He's calling you to do something beyond your capabilities, rejoice! I'm realizing that it's in these times when His awesome power is greatly revealed. So trust Him and enjoy the ride…