Some days it seems that writing this blog is more like a wrestling match. There are things I want to share, but I can’t get the words organized and lined up the way I feel they should go. I type and delete and retype only to once again give thanks for that blessed delete key. My mind goes around and around what I’m trying to say, but my fingers don't type it out correctly. The message feels jumbled, the post ineffective.
I find this happens most when I’m writing in regards to my health. Often times I feel odd writing posts about my illness, sharing with the world what’s going on with my body because I tend to think, “how is this going to help anyone?” But through the feedback I’ve received in person and through you, the readers’, comments, I’m being told that sharing about this part of my life does in fact encourage others. So I’ll write this post and pray that someone somewhere finds hope nestled inside of it.
*Photo found on Pinterest
Having said all that, this post has been a real struggle for me to create. I actually began writing it several weeks ago, but the flow just wasn’t happening for me. I ended up walking away from it, trusting that something would spark my brain and the words would start to flow. And you know what? It did!
Have you heard Lauren Daigle’s, “Trust in You” song? First, I absolutely love this woman’s voice. Second, if you haven’t heard it, I encourage you to give it a listen. (You’re going to get a preview of it because I’m gonna share the beautiful lyrics throughout this post. Wink, wink…) Last, I’ve claimed this song as my life’s theme song [because if a movie can have a theme song, then why not me too?] With every word in every line, she sings the desire of my heart. With her voice, Ms. Daigle declares what my heart has been whispering, “no matter what, Father, I will still trust You.”
I’ve tried to win this war, I confess
My hands are weary, I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side
I’ve come to realize that it would be really easy for me to become depressed and despondent in my current circumstances. Although most of the time my chronic illness isn’t life threatening, it is always life limiting. There’s a lot in life that I miss out on due to my body’s inability to work correctly. There are many times I must say “no” to opportunities even though I strongly desire to say “yes”. It would really be quite simple for me to be angry and resentful. Quite easy, indeed. Along with that realization, I discovered another one - people actually expect me to feel this way. Not because of who I am personally, but because it’s what the world has conditioned us to do - when life treats us unfair, we’re taught to get angry and strike back.
There was a time when I did. I got angry. I questioned and doubted His plans. I felt overlooked, forgotten. I yelled and shook my fists at the heavens, begging for Him to take all the pain away. Asking over and over, “why, God, why won’t You heal me??” I had dreams, things I felt like He was calling me to do - so why did He give me this broken body that caused me to be unable to do them?! Outwardly I may have appeared calm, but inside I was so mad. I withdrew into myself, because life just hurt too much.
I’m generally a happy person. I’m much more apt to give you a smile over a scowl, to laugh before I cry. My go-to emotions aren’t normally of the negative variety. I have them, I just don’t make a habit of living from them. Why am I telling you this? So that you’ll understand this next part: Being angry was exhausting. All that questioning and doubting took up too much energy. I wasn’t created to be a victim, so operating in that mentality completely wore me out. I missed being happy and smiling. Not the fake ones I’d been giving, but the genuine stuff. I missed simply being me.
For awhile, I think that’s what I resented most about my illness - over everything else I’d lost because of it, out of all the many things I felt robbed of due to my sickness, the worst thing was feeling like it stole me. I missed me.
You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the Rock on which I stand
Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood
Here I am, eons later {really it’s just years, but it sure feels like eons at times!} still enduring new doctors who perform more tests only to receive unhelpful results. They then give me new treatment plans to try which leads to me having panic attacks (and I don’t say that in jest, panic attacks are no joking matter.) After I begin the new medicine, it's not long before I’m having to contact the doctors again to explain that this new plan isn’t working, rather it is making me far worse. My family goes on alert, ready to “babysit” me if I get to the point where it’s no longer safe for me to be left alone. I spend chunks of my time sitting on our couch with a heating pad, missing out on life, because the latest treatment plan has kicked my booty. Back in 2010/2011, these circumstances would’ve made me really angry. Or, more accurately, these circumstances did make me really angry. But now, I have peace.
*Photo found on Pinterest
“What made the difference?”, you may wonder. T-r-u-s-t. Trust. Remembering that I can trust Him, no matter what my circumstances are. It sounds simple, but the action of it is hard. I struggled for months before I arrived at a place of surrender. Letting go of all I was feeling, stopping my demands for answers, that wasn’t easy. Goodness gracious, no. But when my heart whispered it’s fervent prayer, “Help me, God. Help me to trust You”, He answered it.
Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see
While my prayers for healing have not yet been answered, my prayers for peace have.
I have no idea what the next step is, but I have peace knowing that He’s with me in each step I take. I don’t know how long my body can endure all this pain and trauma, but I have peace because I know He will get me through each attack that He wills I survive. I still have questions, yet I have peace about not knowing the answers because I know that He does. The future at times looks very scary, but even in that, I have peace because I know He’s already there.
Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want, Lord, and nothing less
Maybe you’re now at that place of questioning and doubting. Maybe you find yourself in times of despair more often than you feel moments of joy.
May I share with you a truth that really helped me? Perhaps, it won’t really faze you. But maybe, just maybe, it will impact one of you the way it did me. Because it’s when I really grasped onto and believed this truth that I was able to step out from under the bleakness of the lies I’d been influenced by.
We were not promised an easy life.
*Photo found on Pinterest
James 1:2 (NLT) says, “…when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.” I think somewhere along the way we started reading the Scripture that speaks of Jesus’ yoke being easy and His burden being light as if it’s saying that if we follow Him we’ll have an easy life. Free of burdens. That the big, bad stuff won’t touch us, we’ll be insulated from it all. That’s not what the Scriptures say though, Friends. That verse in James says when not if. Then in Acts 9:16, we read that when God told the prophet Ananias to go to Saul (who would then become Paul), He said, “…I will show him how much he must suffer for My name.” And suffer he did! Paul did not at all have an easy life. And thank God he didn’t, because think of how many books of the Bible we wouldn’t have - all those life-changing teachings he wrote in the midst of his pain and suffering.
We tend to think we’re disqualified from serving the King when we face our trials, but the Truth is that He can use us in amazing and mighty ways right where we're at. It’s in the trials when we must choose - do we keep wrestling and trying to do it all on our own or do we surrender and depend solely on Him? When we choose surrender and dependency on Him, it gives Him free reign to use us and our circumstances however He sees fit. And use us He will. It doesn’t mean He immediately removes us from the battle, it means we invite Him to fight the battle with us, through us, for us and to use it all for His glory.
When our hearts are so full of grumbles about not living the life we think we deserve, we’re unable to give thanks for the one we do have. When we hold on so tightly to our vision of what our lives should look like, our hands are too full to grab hold of the reality of the incredible life He has given us. We get so busy telling God how we want our lives to go, that we forget to ask Him how He wants them to be.
*Photo found on Pinterest
We were not created to be victims, Friends, so let’s stop living as if we were. We’re no longer captives, our King paid our ransom. Our chains of bondage have been broken, we’ve been set free. No matter what our circumstances may be telling us, we.are.free! That doesn’t mean we’ll never feel pain or face dark days. Sorrows will come our way, but they don’t have to rob us of our joy and peace, of our hope.
May we learn to see our trials as beautiful platforms for His glory to be seen. May we begin to see our hard stuff as wonderful opportunities for His Love to save the day. May we begin to rejoice in our weaknesses because they highlight His strength. May we no longer be so concerned with our temporary pains that we’re unable to see them as chances for Kingdom growth.
It’s a journey, Friends. A beautiful adventure filled with surprises and mysteries. The rainbows will always come, but when the rain is still falling and the storm has yet to pass, I pray your heart will join mine in this beautiful chorus, announcing and proclaiming, “No matter what, Father, I will still trust You.”
When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust. I will trust. I will trust in You!
