*So I’m thankful for the scars,
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart.
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are,
So forever I am thankful for the scars.
*PC: thefunnybeaver.com
The first time I heard those lyrics, my heart leapt and my mind shouted, “YES!!” The author of these words could’ve plucked them straight from my brain because this is exactly how I feel in regards to all the health crud I daily deal with.
I hate being sick.
I hate the constant pain.
I hate never knowing what’s coming next.
I hate the levels of innocence I’ve lost due to this.
And yet.
I can honestly tell you that I’m thankful for it all.
*Darkest water and deepest pain,
I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
‘Cause my brokenness brought me to You
And these wounds are a story You’ll use.
As far back as my memories go, there’s pain and nausea, anxiety and discomfort.
That’s not to say I didn’t have an awesome childhood, because I did. I grew up in a stable home, with faith laid as a firm foundation. I was surrounded by farm-life pets, spent days playing with friends in the dirt, and began and ended each day knowing I was loved. We had our ups and downs because, hey - that’s life. But overall, I loved my growing up years.
The illness was just a constant companion through it all. As I grew, it seemed to do the same, until 2010 when it became so big that, at the age of 21, I was convinced I wasn’t going to survive it.
Truthfully, there was a part of me that didn’t want to. Because is a life really worth living if it’s only able to be partially lived?
I wanted to be put into a medically induced coma until the doctors could figure out what was wrong and fix it. I yearned for an escape from the constant pain.
I didn’t want this life.
I didn’t want to be this person.
I didn’t want any of it.
I begged and pleaded for God to take it all away. In yells and in heart-whispers, I cried for deliverance. I questioned why this was happening to me, I doubted His plans for my life. I felt forgotten and overlooked. I accused Him of taking His eyes off me, of allowing too much to pass through His hands and to enter my world.
As my mind warred with all the feelings the situation was causing, my heart tightened its grasp on Him. The foundation of faith I’d grown up with stayed firm and I clung to His Truth. Despite everything my situation was telling me, I refused to believe my God had abandoned me.
All the railing, the questioning, the crying out - it was a child seeking her Father’s reassurance. I knew the feelings were fleeting - they would change and morph as time would pass, but His Truth would remain the same. And God wasn't scared of my feelings, but rather He welcomed my honesty.
So I sought Him in the scary times and on the dark days. And He met me right where I was.
He gave me personal reminders of His love for me.
He called me out of the wilderness of my thoughts.
He gently wooed my heart to a place of Peace.
He told me my story would be used to glorify Him.
And as the days turned to weeks, the weeks to months, and the months to years - He proved Himself faithful over and over again.
*Now I’m standing in confidence,
With the strength of Your faithfulness
And I’m not who I was before.
No, I don’t have to fear anymore.
I don’t want to live with this chronic illness, but I’m at a place of Peace knowing that God is using everything I’m walking through to advance His Kingdom because I’ve surrendered to Him.
I want to live the story the Great Author is writing, not constantly be trying to wrestle the pen from His hands.
What the enemy intended for harm, my God is using for good. I want to be a light shining bright for Him. I want to tell the world of His goodness and faithfulness towards me.
I want to teach little feet to follow in His steps, for He will lead them on the path of Life.
I want to share with the ones feeling forgotten that they are loved with an unfailing Love.
I want to step into people’s dark moments and dispel the shadows of lies with His Truth.
I want to give an infusion of Hope into the lives of those feeling hopeless.
I want to encourage broken hearts to beat to the rhythm of the Father's heart.
*I can see, I can see
How You delivered me!
In Your hands, in Your feet,
I found my victory!
I want to share my story, the raw and genuine truth, so people can see God’s beauty amidst the ugly stuff. The beauty of Him standing beside a hospital gurney, weeping at my pain. The beauty I experience when I curl around a heating pad and He curls around me. The beauty I see each time I make it through another attack.
I want to share my story, the happy and the heart-dance moments, so people can see God’s beauty amidst the pretty stuff. The beauty of a husband who stepped into a life with me, despite the uncertainties of my health. The beauty of discovering more of what He’s calling me into. The beauty of a future I didn’t think I’d be alive to see.
My life doesn’t look how I thought it would when I was a little girl, but oh, what a beautiful life it’s turned out to be!
Maybe you’re at a similar place to the one I found myself in. The place of despair because this isn’t the life you wanted, the life you dreamt of. Maybe because of uncontrollable circumstances or maybe because of the choices you made. Either way, Friends, the Truth remains the same: it’s not too late.
Before the world began, God looked and saw you, He knew you and loved you.
In 2019, God looks and sees you, He knows you and loves you.
Nothing you do will ever change that. So go ahead - take a step of faith, trust Him with whatever you’re facing, and allow Him to change your perspective.
Maybe your scars are from physical wounds, things you’ve undergone that left a visible mark upon your flesh. Or perhaps, like me, your scars are more internal. The things you’ve faced have left their mark etched upon your mind. Though invisible, these scars are still very real.
I leave you with a thought to consider: what the enemy intends for harm, God is able to use for good… will you let Him?
*So I’m thankful for Your scars,
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart.
And with my life, I’ll tell of who You are,
So forever I am thankful for Your scars.
*Photo found on Pinterest
All lines preceded by an asterisk (*) are lyrics from I Am They’s song, “Scars”.
