With all the ways of staying connected and keeping people updated on our lives through social media these days, I’ve come to this conclusion:
Instagram and Facebook can be quite intimidating.
Y’all are some truly beautiful people! Every hair in place and make-up just right with the perfect expression on your lovely faces. And the way even when you’re having a messy hair day and you’re make-up free you still manage to look gorgeous.
Seriously, how do you do that?!
*Photo found on Pinterest
It all seems so easy for you from my end. You just snap a picture and voila, perfect shot. Which is intimidating ‘cause sometimes it takes ten or twelve shots for me to get a picture I’m happy with. What appears to come so naturally to you, being totally photogenic, seems like such a hassle for me.
While I was scrolling through my newsfeed and admiring all the many beautiful posts the other day, I was reminded of a quote I once saw: “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”
I began to wonder if maybe we’re not so different after all. Sure, I see the one beautiful photo of you that you post, but maybe it took you eight tries before you finally got one you liked. I’m privy to all my behind-the-scenes shots, but you only get to see my highlight reel. And I began to ponder the possibility that it could be the same way for you…
Anywho - that's not actually what this post is about. It was just all brought on because I was thinking of the pictures JRB and I would be taking to mark our two year wedding anniversary. I love taking pictures with my hubby. Snapping a photo that will capture our many together moments. Having those momentos from our life as Mr. & Mrs.
*A random and fun photo we took on our anniversary. I adore him <3
The thing is, I wanted to feel and look beautiful in the photos I knew I'd be taking to mark the day, but I’ve been really deep in a serious battle with my health the past two weeks. I won’t go into all the details, but it’s been really hard. There’s been tremendous pain, extreme nausea, collapsing from weakness, too much weight loss. There’ve been numerous doctor visits and hospital trips for multiple tests to be done, only to keep being told that everything looks normal and they still can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. It was one struggle after another, with nothing letting up to make way for the next hurdle. Needless to say, I wasn't feeling all that pretty...
I’d been enmeshed in this draining battle and I just felt like I had nothing left in me to give for the photos. I didn’t have the energy to do my hair nor the desire to put on make-up. I just wanted to curl up with my heating pad and hope that my pain and nausea meds would kick in quick enough to keep me from being taken to the ER. I didn’t have the energy to do the things I normally enjoy doing and this time it just felt like I'd be putting on a mask that would say that I’m okay while inside I’d be feeling the opposite.
As I was looking in the mirror on the morning of our anniversary (which happened to fall on Labor Day this year) and trying to figure out what to do with myself in preparation for the photos, one word popped into my mind, "real." I knew then that what I wanted to do was just be me. Be who I am and feel what I was feeling. I didn’t want to do any fake photos, I wanted ones that would show the reality of the day.
Because while the stories all talk about how things are easy once you fall in love and the happily-ever-after is filled with intimate smiles and amazing sunsets, the reality is that, while there are those things, it’s not all unicorns and lollipops. And you know what? I think the beauty of the choice to love in the hard times outshines the choice to love in the easy ones. Anyone can love when it’s easy, but the ones who choose to love when it’s tough, when life is full of questions and doubts and you’re not really sure when the storm is going to pass or if you’ll get your rainbow <—— to me, that’s the most beautiful love of all.
That’s what I decided I wanted to be shown in this years photos. That despite the fact that we’re in the midst of a rough season, my husband still proudly stands by my side and chooses love. Though my hair wasn’t all that cute and the only effort I put into my make-up was wearing chapstick, he still looks at me like I’m the most beautiful woman in his world because to him, I am. I want to look back on those pictures in fifteen years and remember the way JRB loved me in the midst of all this. I want the pictures to be a reminder of God’s goodness to me, of how I am richly blessed even when my body fails me.
*Photo found on Pinterest
Real.
“Finding freedom in being real” - it's the tagline for my blog. It’s the hashtag that’s connected to all these posts. It’s what I try to be with every word I type.
In the past, I’ve always written these posts after the attack has come. I’ve felt the nudge to write once I’m through a particular season. I share with you what I learned during the struggle, but it’s previously been after the battle has passed. But as I thought on what it meant to be real with y’all, I felt the Lord prompting me to write the post this time while I’m still in the fight. I feel like He was telling me to be real with you even when my “real” isn’t all that tidy. When I’m a mess of questions and doubts, while I’m drained and weary from the constant fight. I feel like this time, to be genuine and real, I was nudged to write the post when I haven’t yet reached the conclusion of this particular attack. I'm still waking up every morning and facing this on-going struggle.
When I made the decision to just be me in the photos without doing my hair or make-up, I was thinking of you too. Weird? Not to me. And maybe not to you either once I explain..
I was thinking that maybe one of you readers is facing a similar struggle and you’re simply too weary to keep putting on the happy face. You, Friend, I was thinking of you. And I truly desire for you to know that you are not alone. It’s okay to simply be you and feel what you’re feeling. It’s okay to let others see that you’re having a rough time. You have permission to not be okay every moment of your day.
I was thinking that maybe one of you readers is facing a similar struggle and you’re simply too weary to keep putting on the happy face. You, Friend, I was thinking of you. And I truly desire for you to know that you are not alone. It’s okay to simply be you and feel what you’re feeling. It’s okay to let others see that you’re having a rough time. You have permission to not be okay every moment of your day.
Because isn’t it when we’re being real, when we’re being open and honest about how we’re doing, that beautiful things happen? Friendships are formed and bonds are strengthened. When we allow people to see our messy instead of only showing them our tidy and put-together, we allow them to see the real us. And by allowing them that, we let them know it’s safe for them to show their real selves too. It creates an atmosphere of authenticity and that is a wonderful thing.
*More random photos from our anniversary day. No make-up, messy hair.
Being brave and being real.
For a week I faced this battle with only my immediate family knowing what all was happening. It wasn’t intentional on my part, I just didn’t think to let anyone else know what was going on. Then my mom encouraged me to open up to some trusted friends and prayer warriors and request they be praying for me. Once I did, they began responding with some much needed encouragement, Truths I desperately needed to be reminded of as I weather this storm.
Some of the most encouraging words came via text from my bestie. I poured out my heart to her and, in response, she helped get my focus off my circumstances and back on my Creator. This amazing woman of God is one of my most treasured blessings - I am forever thankful for the bond we share. (Rooster, I love you like W.H.O.A.! - Cow)
We were not meant to do life alone.
If you're facing a battle right now that has you feeling run down and weary, I encourage you to reach out your hand and grasp onto those who are just waiting for you to grab hold. Whether it be a family member, a close friend, or even me (truly, take that part seriously. I’m here if you’d like to talk.) You have people on your side who are willing to face the battle with you. It's okay to admit you're tired and you need someone to remind you that there's still hope. Take a brave step and be real.
If you're facing a battle right now that has you feeling run down and weary, I encourage you to reach out your hand and grasp onto those who are just waiting for you to grab hold. Whether it be a family member, a close friend, or even me (truly, take that part seriously. I’m here if you’d like to talk.) You have people on your side who are willing to face the battle with you. It's okay to admit you're tired and you need someone to remind you that there's still hope. Take a brave step and be real.
Because it's okay to not be okay, but we can't give up and stay there, Friends. Not Okay isn't meant to be our homeland so let's not set up camp there.
While sitting here and trying to decide how to end this post, these words come to mind that I wrote to my husband on our anniversary. For whatever reason I now feel led to say them to you.
“There’s more headed our way. Life doesn’t really stand still, time keeps passing. There are storms ahead, as well as fields of wildflowers. We’ll learn how to dance in both.”
*Dancing with my Love at our engagement photo shoot
**Photo Credit to Jodi Bodtke with Giving Tree Photography
