I've always had this crazy dream. To some it wouldn't seem so crazy, but to me it's one of those keep-dreaming-girl-it-ain't-ever-gonna-happen type things. You know what I'm talking about, right? Those things that at the mere thought of them your heart races with excitement even though they're so far-fetched you just know a dream is all they'll ever be.
Yeah. It's always been one of those types of dreams. What's mine about? I've always dreamt of being a woman who would speak to crowds of people. I'd have a message to share and people would invite me to come share it at their church, their organization, or maybe even their conference to help and encourage others. It didn't matter where, that part wasn't important to my dream. The part that mattered, the heart of the dream, was simply that I would speak.
Sometimes the dream would look different. One day I may imagine it as me sitting in a room with a group of teenage girls and leading them in a small group setting. Another day it may be me standing on stage in front of hundreds of people sharing my message with them after we have a wonderful time of worship (which was always led by my brother, of course.) Still another day it may just have been me sitting around a camp fire with a small group of people while I share my heart with them.
Why is this so crazy, you ask? There's something you should know about me and then it'll all make sense - while the idea and dream of getting up in front of people and speaking excites me, the reality of it causes me to shake in my boots with fear.
*Photo credit - http://www.curiositiesbydickens.com/the-other-side-of-fear/
I've never been the type of girl who speaks in front of groups regularly or comfortably. I tend to get so nervous that my mind goes blank and I can't remember what I'm supposed to be talking about. I can only stand there and think how the people listening must think I'm an idiot. So I do what I can to avoid it. Because while it might be an exciting dream, it'd be a terrifying reality.
I've been realizing lately that I'm glad God doesn't seek my approval before doing amazing things in my life. If He checked with me first, I'd miss out on so many things because I'd be too scared to accept them. The way He does it, Him calling me to simply trust and obey, this is definitely the best way for it to go. He sees the whole picture, I only see a small piece.
I want to serve my Savior, I want to follow Him wherever He leads. When I was a teenager I printed this Scripture and taped it to my door: "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?' And I said, 'Here I am. Send me!'" (Isaiah 6:8) So for years, every time I would open or shut my bedroom door, these words would go through my head and resonate in my heart. At times I was scared about where He'd send me, but I still longed to be obedient and go. So with the opening and closing of that door, my heart was reminded to surrender.
*Photo credit - http://www.knowing-jesus.com/isaiah-6-8/
He does some truly crazy things with a life that's surrendered to Him.
I thought my dream of speaking in front of people would always remain only that - a dream. But where I often see a period, God places a comma. Where I see an ending, He makes a beginning. I believe He heard the prayer of my teenage self, He saw the surrender of my heart, and He called me onto a crazy journey.
In 2010, I experienced deep tragedy in my personal life. Through circumstances beyond my control, I ended up moving back home to my parents'. Because of my failing health, I couldn't be on my own and I rarely left the house. My mom and I became like two hermits, me because of my sickness and her because she was taking care of me. I didn't know whether I would live or die, the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.
In the midst of all the sorrow and pain, I felt God calling me to pursue a vision. I didn't know how much longer I'd be on this earth, but I felt like with however much time I had left I had been given a purpose.
I had always loved horses and wanted to share that with young people. I had also felt since the age of 11 that I had been called to work with youth. I thought it would be cool if these two things would coincide, but didn't actually think it would become real. But in the spring of 2011, that's exactly what happened.
God reached down into the ashes left over from the tragedies of my life, and He created something beautiful through it. Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch was born in one of the most painful and uncertain seasons of my life.
What does Rescued Hearts have to do with my crazy dream of speaking in front of people? Oh don't you worry, I'm gonna tell you right now…
Recently I was invited to attend a meeting at a local organization and give a 30 minute presentation on our ranch. They said to prepare a 15 minute speech and then allow the rest of the time for any questions. With the phone call, I became anxious. "Do what??? I can't get up and speak in front of people!!" I began to freak out like I always do. This was a great opportunity for the ranch though, one I couldn't pass up, so I agreed to go share with the hopes that someone else would do the actual sharing part. Through much discussion and prayer, however, it was decided that I was the one who needed to be doing the speaking.
I realize I just made that seem like it was an easy decision so let me inform you of something - it wasn't! I tried telling God there were others more suited to the task. I gave Him their names and extolled their strengths in comparison to my weaknesses. I was seeing similarities between Moses and I as I tried convincing God to use someone else…
"Moses raised another objection to GOD: 'Master, please, I don't talk well. I've never been good with words, neither before nor after you spoke to me. I stutter and stammer." (Exodus 4:10MSG)
And though His words to me were different, the message behind them was the same as the one He gave Moses all those many years ago.
"GOD said, 'And who do you think made the human mouth? And who makes some mute, some deaf, some sighted, some blind? Isn't it I, GOD? So, get going. I'll be right there with you - with your mouth! I'll be right there to teach you what to say.'" (v.11-12)
*Photo found on Pinterest
I believe God was happy with me for being obedient and starting this blog. This was a big thing for me, sharing in this way. Whereas I saw it as a nice and somewhat comfortable plateau, God apparently saw it as a ladder. Funny how that happens, huh? I was fine with talking to others through these written words (because I'm much more comfortable when I have an "erase" button handy) but God was calling me to keep climbing higher. Having my fingers type wasn't enough, He wanted me to use my voice. Period meet Comma.
I did as much preparing as I could. Over the course of a few days, Mom and I wrote a speech. I then practiced it tons of times, tweaked it to flow better, and practiced it some more. The whole time I clung to the Truth that His grace is sufficient for me, it's in my weakness that His strength is revealed (2 Corinthians 12:9). My mom also gave me some encouraging words when she reminded me that this was all laid out by God, there's no way He was going to walk with me to this place and then abandon me. He would be with me every step of the way as I spoke to this group of strangers.
The evening arrived. There was no more preparing to do. I had done all I could and was left trusting Him to carry me through. I was so nervous that I wasn't breathing correctly and ended up giving myself a serious case of the yawns, I kid you not. That is not something you need when you're supposed to be giving a presentation! I started mentally quoting every Scripture I knew about not needing to fear because Christ is with me and about His peace always being available for me.
Before I knew it, it was my turn to share. And do you know what? I blanked. Do you know what else? Nobody could even tell. Because of all the preparing and practicing I'd done, my mouth said what it was supposed to without my brain being able to remember it. And do you know the best part? I don't in any way deserve the glory or praise for it - I know that was God keeping His word and being right there with me and with my mouth.
Through the whole speech I was nervous and positive I was somehow screwing it up. I know when I get nervous I tend to talk too fast, so I was mentally chastising myself to slow down because I was positive I had cut my speech time in half. Good news? I was wrong. All the anxiety and chaos going on inside of me wasn't at all apparent to the listeners. After I was done, I had so many people tell me what a great job I had done and how they couldn't believe this wasn't something I'd done hundreds of times before. My husband recorded it and you really can't tell that I'm internally freaking out. I was shocked!
"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." (Ephesians 2:10NLT)
How great is our God! I know He took over for me. There's no way that it was through any awesomeness on my part that my internal crazy wasn't outwardly visible. The only One Who deserves the credit for that is Him. We are so blessed to serve a God Who is both alive and active. He doesn't just sit back and watch as we stumble through this life. He gets right in there with us, every step of the way. Oh yes, we are blessed! We have no need to fear, because we have Him. No matter what comes, nothing is greater than He. We can do whatever it is He calls us to do, because He will equip and prepare us for every step of the journey.
In those moments, in those 15-30 minutes when I was before that group of people sharing the heart of our ranch with them? That was incredible. It was unlike anything I'd every done before. It gave me hope that this is something I can do, go around and speak in front of people.
*Photo credit - web.stagram.com/
It's in those moments, those insane moments, that God took my crazy, far-fetched dream and made it my crazy reality. Nothing is impossible for Him.
A life surrendered to Him, a heart that longs simply to follow Him.
He takes these and makes something beautiful through them.
Our fears, our doubts, and our worries are not greater than Him.
When we get out of His way, He moves in mighty ways.
A prayer prayed in the depths of my teenage heart.
"Here I am, Abba. I'll go for You. Send me."
A reality I never thought would be mine.
A life beyond anything I could have imagined.
I'm so glad God doesn't seek my permission before calling me onward.
Be encouraged, Friends. If God has set a task before you, if He's calling you to do something beyond your capabilities, rejoice! I'm realizing that it's in these times when His awesome power is greatly revealed. So trust Him and enjoy the ride…
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