I have a confession to make ------ at times, I can be embarrassingly vain.
I've always tried to avoid this cavity in my life. I try not to spend so much time looking at my reflection in a mirror that I fail to look beyond myself to the others around me. I aim to not get so caught up in my outward appearance that I overlook what really matters, what's on the inside of me.
"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:30ESV)
I strive to live a life where I pay more attention to what's going on in the heart of me rather than live a life where I'm ultimately more concerned with what I'm wearing and how I look. I want to be a woman who fears the Lord, not one overly concerned with my charm and beauty.
Before I get too far, let me clarify something - I am not talking about simply making myself look presentable. I am not criticizing the things we do to help ourselves feel pretty on any given day. This is not a call to throw away the makeup and hair products nor to dress in rags. What I'm referring to is spending too much time on outward appearances, obsessing over every detail because we're concerned with others' opinions of us, worrying so much about how we look that our appearance becomes our main focus.
I'm saying this because that's exactly what I did a couple days ago. I was going somewhere that I knew would lead to having my photo taken and I became obsessed with finding the right outfit. I didn't think about the people I would come into contact with in regards to them as a person, but instead I thought about them in regards of how they'd perceive me.
For a few hours I got completely entangled in thoughts and worries over my outward appearance. It wasn't good enough to look presentable, to look good, I wanted more. How I would achieve it was beyond me, but I was determined to figure it out. My bed began to look like a tornado had hit it due to all the clothes I'd thrown on it. An outfit was tried and then discarded. If it was lucky, it got picked back up for round two. But nothing screamed, "Wear me!!!" Everything was too blah, nothing was striking me as "just right".
"What am I going to wear? What am I going to wear? What am I going to wear?!?" This annoying phrase was on repeat, it seemed. Then, a whisper broke through the chaos in my brain and some verses in Scripture came to me that I very much needed to be reminded of in my current state of mind.
"So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it." (Colossians 3:12-14MSG)
After that much needed reminder from my Savior, I was once again able to think clearly. It didn't matter what outfit I chose because what I was wearing wasn't what was truly important. How I would treat the people I would come into contact with, that was important. If difficulties arose in the process, my reacting out of love instead of anger, that would matter. Being a light in this dark world, being an example of Christ's love no matter what chaos I might encounter, being mindful of what kind of impact I was having on those around me, loving others with a genuine love - these were the things I needed to be focused on.
So I did my hair, I put on my makeup, and I chose an outfit (an outfit that hadn't even been one of my original choices, no less.) I got ready for my evening with a sense of peace now instead of panic. My heart was once again attuned to what was important. Where I had recently been so frantic to have people see a beautiful me, my focus now was that people would see Beautiful Him when they looked at me instead. I wanted to be seen less so He could be seen more.
It's ridiculous to me now just how much time I spent trying to figure out what to wear to go get my license switched over to my new married name and address. I was way too concerned about finding the perfect outfit for this occasion, it's absurd! I knew they were going to have to take a new picture of me for my license and this led to my silly behavior. Have you gotten your license yet? If so, then you can understand why me being worried about my clothes for this picture is so ludicrous - the picture on your license is only of your head and part of your shoulders. It doesn't matter what you wear because nobody will see it in the picture!
I'm so thankful for a God who loves me in the midst of my craziness. I'm also sure I provided a few laughs for Him and the angles throughout my fiasco of searching for the perfect outfit. Now, I'm joining them in the laughter because, honestly, I was being pretty weird. You just gotta laugh at your weird sometimes...
It's sad how we, as humans, can get so sidetracked and focused on the wrong things. The importance we at times place on how things look, how we look, is somewhat appalling. It's so easy to get caught up in the lie that what we look like is what matters most. The world is always spouting off at us and shoving images at us about how we're apparently supposed to appear. They get us to spend so much time and money on pursuing their definition of beautiful that we often end up sacrificing the things that truly matter while we lose sight of how beauty is defined by Him.
Perhaps it's time we redirect our gazes inward. For me, my prayer is to be made more aware of what the Lord sees when He gazes upon me rather than be concerned with how I look to the world. I'd much rather appear beautiful before my Savior than appearing attractive to the world.
"The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7NIV)
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