She was a little girl who loved life. Her blonde hair shone in the sun as she wallowed in the pleasures of being outdoors, embarking on whatever adventure her young mind came up with. She was so happy at home, so brave in her own little world, though she tended to be shy when interacting in the world outside of her home. She'd often hide behind her mommy or daddy, completely trusting them to protect her from the scary parts of the world. It was accepted and allowed though because she was only a child. Her parents didn't push her to grow up too fast.
*Little me full of innocence and giggles... and pop, apparently :)
She was happy in her part as the youngest of the family. She knew her parents both loved her, her brother was her favorite toy, and her sister was the coolest and smartest girl she knew. Her days were spent playing and being free. Always cared for, always protected, always loved. Her life was good and she was secure in her world… but the little girl had yet to grasp the Truth of the enemy who "prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8NIV) This enemy who comes "to steal and kill and destroy" (John 10:10NLT) her purpose in life, the callings God's placed on her, the life she was created to live. He wants to ruin her peace, her joy, and her trust. He comes to shake the foundation of everything she believes in and leave her timid and afraid, uncertain of whether she's truly wanted or loved at all. He seeks to destroy her.
One of the worst parts for this little girl would end up being that she didn't even understand when he slipped the lie into her brain and it would be many years before the truth was once again revealed.
*My wonderful siblings and I way back when - check out that couch!
She isn't quite sure but looking back now she believes she was around eight years old when it all changed. She had read or heard about a boy who's daddy didn't want him to be born. When this boy's mommy found out she was pregnant, the daddy wanted her to have an abortion because he didn't want the boy, but the mommy refused. She was scared and alone, but she refused to abort her baby. So the little boy was born and his mommy loved him so much! He grew up under the loving care of his mother, allowed to be a child, then a teenager, and now a grown man. He grew up but he did it without a father.
After learning about his story, the little girl began to wonder about how her own parents felt when they found out they were pregnant with her. So she did the most logical thing, she simply asked her mommy. Through that question she learned the story - the story of how her parents were both very happy when they found out about her and that they both wanted her. Her mommy also told her about how she almost didn't come to be. After mommy had her big brother an appointment was made to have mommy's tubes tied which would prevent her from having any more children. When the nurses came in to prep her though she began to cry. Mommy didn't want to have the procedure, she didn't have peace about it, but she felt like she had to have it because it was already scheduled and the doctor would be coming soon. The nurses explained to her that if she wasn't feeling ready for this, she shouldn't do it. That she didn't have to do it, it could be cancelled and it wouldn't be a problem. So mommy didn't go through with it, she didn't have the surgery. And roughly twenty-three months later she gave birth again, this time to the little girl.
*Daddy holding me at the hospital <3
It's a good story, this one, of how the little girl came to be. But the enemy took the little girls story and twisted it with the little boys story she'd just learned about and he whispered lies to the little girl. They became jumbled in her brain without her even realizing it. In her story, her mommy being unsure about having her tubes tied turned into her mommy being unsure of whether to have the little girl or not. Where the truth had been that her parents were happy when they found out they were pregnant with her, the lies took it's place and it became that, for a little while, her parents considered aborting her.
"They already had the perfect family," the lies whispered. "Two kids. A girl and a boy. They didn't need another baby. They didn't want another baby. They were happy when they found out about their oldest two, but they actually had to think about whether they wanted you or not. The thought to not have the other two never even entered their minds, but they actually considered not having you. They didn't always love you. They didn't always want you."
The lies sunk in without the little girls knowledge. Her foundation was shaken without her feeling the tremors. Where her games and adventures had always been filled with good and right, they began to shift. Evil had entered her world, evil had left it's mark. She can tell you now of one specific instant in her childhood that testifies to this fact. She was alone on the trampoline, playing some imaginary thing or other. She doesn't remember what she was playing, but she does remember pretending that the boy from the story, the one whose daddy didn't want him to be born, he was there. Whatever it was, the little girl spoke the lie as if it was true as she told the little boy, "My parents didn't want me either. They had to actually think about whether to keep me or abort me."
As the girl grew she didn't really think about this anymore, she didn't question the lie. She just lived as if it were true, never even realizing what had happened. Never even aware of the shift in her thinking or beliefs. Completely unaware of the impact it was having on her everyday life. Where before she would enter a room without thought, she now would hesitate before taking that step. Her mind was always filled with insecurities about whether people would want her around or not. It followed her everywhere she went - the playground at school, around her house, family functions, church events, youth group, sports teams, etc. She always felt so insecure but she never knew why.
It was when she was no longer a child but had grown into a young woman that the lies started being reveled. She was struggling with some things and so she sought out a Christian counselor. In one of her sessions they hit upon these insecurities. The counselor told the woman that she was confused because the woman talked about her parents and how much they loved her, about how she grew up in a wonderful home never having to fear abuse or neglect, about how her and her siblings were friends. She told her story of a good childhood full of love and happiness, yet the woman still struggled with feeling unwanted. She was saying she knew her life to be one way, but she felt differently. So the counselor asked the woman to close her eyes, think on her feelings of being unwanted, and see what came to mind. The scene the young woman saw was this:
She was a little girl again on the playground at school. The kids were all running and playing in the sunshine, laughing and having a good time. The girl, however, was in what appeared to be a bubble that the sun couldn't penetrate. She was on the outskirts of the playground and surrounding her was a haze of blue, an overcast of shadows. She was alone and isolated. She could see all her friends having fun with each other, but she wasn't a part of it.
The counselor and young woman talked about the scene, pondered what it meant. The woman began to realize that the truth of how things were and how she perceived them or felt about them were vastly different. She could look back and remember her friends reaching out to her, people wanting her around. She wasn't left alone, she wasn't excluded. She was always included, always accepted. But yet she'd always felt like an outsider, she'd always seen herself as (here's that ugly world again) unwanted. It was a good session, but there was no "AH-HA!" moment for the young woman. Even though she now understood that her vision had always been skewed, no reason was revealed as to why she always felt this way, so insecure about others wanting her around them, so afraid of being rejected. So used to the feelings of being unwanted. No, that revelation wouldn't come until later, in a moment that took her completely by surprise.
It came on a day that was just another ordinary day as the girl stood before her dresser mirror straightening her hair. She doesn't really remember what was going on in her brain when the revelation hit her, but she's pretty sure she was praying. In a split second her ordinary morning contained an extraordinary moment. It was like doors were suddenly thrown open and a room in her mind was illuminated. From one moment to the next, she was aware of everything. The lies the enemy had fed her. The impact it had had on her whole world since she was still just a little girl. The many ways she'd been living in belief of this lie without even being aware of it. One thought revealed it all, a small voice whispering to her, "They never considered aborting you."
With the whisper of truth came such a sense of wonder and delight. I was awash with this feeling of total weightlessness, this taste of true freedom. As I'm sure you've guessed, this is my story. I was that little girl who grew up feeling the suffocating effects of the insecurities caused by the enemy's lies. I grew up with the wonderful parents in a loving home yet still felt unwanted. It was not because of anything my parents ever said or did, there's no memory I can ever recall that would add weight to the lies I was fed by the enemy. The lies that I was unwanted, that my parents had to decide between keeping me or aborting me is just that, lies. When God revealed the truth to me, when my heart and mind were set free from these lies for the first time since before I was eight, I was undone. Tears flowed and my heart rejoiced. I was laughing and crying at the same time, so overcome by this feeling of LIGHT that came with the truth. I had always been wanted. They never questioned what they were going to do about me or with me. They already knew. They were going to have another baby and they were going to love this one as much as they loved their other children. They were happy about me. I was finally seeing that my family wasn't complete without me. My mom didn't have peace about the operation because it wasn't the right time, she didn't have me yet. But after I was born? She had no anxiety or qualms about it at all. I was here now, she was holding me in her arms, and our family of five was complete.
I share this part of my story with a prayer that God will use it to encourage someone. Sharing these parts of myself isn't easy, but if it can bring hope to a heart, than the pain on my end is worth it. You are worth it. I don't know your stories, I don't know where you are in life, but He does. I don't know what lies the enemy has fed you and led you to believe, but He does. I don't have the power to rescue you and save you, but He does. I don't have the ability to eradicate the enemy's lies and bring healing to your hearts and minds, but He does. "..greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world." (1 John 4:4KJV)
I've typed and erased so many conclusions to this post. Every one I've tried just feels off, nothing is working for me. It's all gibberish or just doesn't flow. Maybe it's because there isn't an ending yet? This whole post has been about part of my story and perhaps I can't type the right ending simply because my story isn't finished yet. So I'm not going to sit here any longer and try to come up with the right conclusion. I'm going to leave you with a verse that keeps repeating in my brain and stop obsessing over whether I wrapped this all up in a pretty enough bow.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33NIV)
No comments:
Post a Comment