There's a song that's been playing in my head lately, a chorus that keeps coming to mind when I pray about what I should post about next. I find that this is often how God leads me, by stirring something inside me through music. It's a melody and lyrics that seem to be written straight from my heart. It's words that I don't just hear, but ones I actually feel. It's a song by Plumb called, "Need You Now". The chorus so aptly describes my heart's prayer these past couple weeks as I've struggled with my health.
How many times have You heard me cry out,
"God, please take this"?
How many times have You given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh, I need You
God, I need You now.
Most of the time I can deal with my sickness fairly easily. On most days the pain is routine and steady. I know it's there, but I don't dwell on it because it's simply what I always feel. It's not something I enjoy, but it is something I'm used to. If I wasn't sick in some way every day that's when I'd get thrown off...
But there are days, days that sometimes become weeks, where it all just feels too heavy, where each breath becomes a chore because with each one in and out there's pain. So. Much. Pain. There are times when my chest feels like it's going to collapse through my spine with every breath. Times when I'm almost paralyzed wherever I'm at because with each breath pain shoots from the very bottom of my spine to the very top as if it's going to blast apart like a bomb has gone off inside of me. I get worried when something I normally don't even think about becomes something I have to focus so hard on doing. Breathing is supposed to be natural, something your body just takes care of. For some of us, though, there are times in our lives when each individual breath we take feels like we've just climbed Mt. Everest and then we have to exhale and that's its own battle in itself. But we keep climbing mountains, we keep inhaling and exhaling, even though we don't know when the pain is going to end, when we're going to be able to just simply breathe again. We keep fighting through the pain because we refuse to be beaten and defeated by it.
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There are also times when my whole torso screams in pain and I'm under attack from a faceless foe, one who somehow snuck inside and turned my body against me. There are times when my lower abdomen ups the pain level significantly and starts ripping itself apart while simultaneously stabbing me repeatedly with what feels like a very sharp instrument. Times when I'm left begging and pleading for it all to just stop while I crawl across the floor in an attempt to escape the pain because I'm incapable of standing in these moments. There are times when I get lost inside the pain and feel like there's no way out. Times when I'm pushed sprawling and screaming into a panic attack that I want nothing to do with. These panic attacks that lead to my extremities going numb and me unable to breathe right so I'm forced to listen to someone else and regulate my inhales and exhales with theirs. There are excruciatingly painful times when I'm left questioning if the pain will ever end or if this will be the attack that finally brings me face to face with my Jesus.
This has been a long and intense struggle. I've dealt with this illness my whole life and trudged my way through the past few years as it's gotten worse. It hasn't been just a physical journey of pain though, it's been a spiritual one as well. I've gone through times of anger at God for allowing this to be my reality, times of questioning and doubt as to why He won't just heal me already. His Word says in Isaiah 53:5 that, "by His wounds we are healed." In Jeremiah 29:11-13 we're told that He has plans for us, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." There are so many Scriptures I could quote with promises just like these, but for a season of my life I felt like these promises weren't meant for me, because if they were then I was being gypped, or at least that's how it felt. It was easier for me to convince myself that He didn't mean these words for me specifically than it was for me to deal with the feelings that were rolling around inside me, the feelings that God had failed me.Thinking that way felt too wrong and treacherous, so I tucked it aside and tried to ignore it because it made me feel like a fraud, a fake, a hypocrite.
I have walked through seasons of despair, of feeling hopeless and confused as to why I was even still alive. I've asked the question of Him numerous times, "Why did You call me to do what You've called me to do and then leave me here incapable of actually doing it??" I met with a Christian psychologist for a few months to help me deal with all my negative feelings in regards to all this. Through my conversations with her, God brought about healing. On my own, I tend to bottle my emotions up but I was driven to get help because I felt like I had this chasm between Christ and myself because of the anger I didn't know how to deal with. I know He loves me and I trust He can heal me so I couldn't get those to match up with the fact that, for some reason, it seemed God wasn't listening nor responding to my prayers. He was patient and gracious with me as I struggled through these feelings and doubts. When I find myself falling back into these questions, He's merciful with His reminders of how good He truly is.
In the midst of all the hurt and anger, I'd find moments of peace. They'd make absolutely no sense to me, but it'd be like He'd simply turn it all off for a bit so that my mind and my heart could rest. In those times I'd be experiencing what we were told in Philippians 4:7(ESV), "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Those moments of peace, those times where my questions and wonderings were set aside, were like taking a breath of fresh air after being stuck in a smelly, used garbage can. Those days would bring His Truth to life and I'd be renewed and refreshed for the fight that still lay ahead. He'd give me insight and answers to some of my questions, He'd leave me with peace over not knowing answers to the others.
One such time was when I had really been struggling over the verses in Jeremiah where He tells us He has good plans for us. I'd pray about them, think on them, and try to figure it out. "How is this good, Lord? Where is my good?" I wanted to know, I wanted something good to focus on when my mind became cloudy with pain. For weeks I circled around and around these verses, trying to get that Truth to mesh with my reality. I don't remember where I was or what I was doing when He gave me insight into this, but I do know the impact of it is something I won't ever forget. It was like a lightbulb suddenly went off in my brain. With one whisper He gave me rest, "My ways are not your ways, My thoughts are not your thoughts. You know this, Child. Doesn't it stand to follow then that My definition of "good" might differ from your definition of it?"
Whoa… I get warm fuzzies around my heart just typing that out! In my mind "good" meant no longer being sick, "good" was not going through the pain happening in my personal life, "good" meant things were right and happy in my world. But I know now that my view of "good" is not the same as His. Truly good things have come through all this "bad" in my life. If I hadn't gone through the hardship in my personal life than I never would have been able to fall in love with my incredible husband. For him, knowing he'd be waiting for me at the end of the struggle, I'd walk through that pain a hundred times over. In a different part of my life, if I hadn't gone through all these trials and struggles with my health, I wouldn't be as able to relate to others who are suffering in their own struggles. If I hadn't been so sick then I might not have been forced to rely so heavily on my Creator, which I believe would be a tragedy. This sickness has taken me deeper and farther in my faith then I may have ever gone without it.
"Why is she telling us all this?" you may be wondering. Am I wanting sympathy, for people to read this and feel sorry for me? No. Am I wanting others to know how bad it can be for me so that they'll think I'm such a great person when they see me smile? No. Do I say all this to get recognition and praise from you? No. I told you this only because this is what God has called me to share in this post. I want to be obedient to Him, even when what He's telling me to share with you is something I'd rather have none of you know. It may be weird to you or seem silly, but I personally dislike having other people know that I'm sick. Because I don't want their sympathy or "poor Andrea" eyes. Not because I feel it makes me weak, not because I think they see me as less. I don't want it because I feel like us humans too easily focus on the negatives of life and I'd rather people be aware of all the truly good and wonderful things in my world.
Maybe you're in need of a reminder that God is good, all the time. A reminder that even though at times we have no idea what He's doing or why He's doing it, we can always rest in knowing Who He is. No matter what your circumstances may be screaming at you, no matter what lies the enemy may be trying to keep you chained in, you can hold tight to the Truth of just Who our Lord is. He is El Shaddai (Lord God Almighty), He is El Elyon (The Most High God), He is Yahweh (Lord, Jehovah), He is Jehovah-Raah (The Lord My Shepherd), He is Jehovah Rapha (The Lord That Heals), He is Jehovah Shalom (The Lord Is Peace). He is everlasting, ever faithful, ever true. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. He is our Defender, our Champion, and our Savior. He is incomprehensible, indestructible, and inescapable. He is our Creator, our Deliverer, and our Redeemer. He is fair, kind, and just. He is our strength, our hope, and our comfort. He is everything we need and He never runs out. He is active and alive in our lives. He is Truth. He is Love. He is Good.
Do not get stuck in despair, in feelings of hopelessness or questions and doubts, my Friends. Walk through them, grow in them, and learn from them. Don't let the enemy hold you back from experiencing what God has in store for you. You're not alone in your doubts. You're not the only one who feels like Heaven shuts it's ears at times. You're not the only one who struggles to believe and claim His promises. I've been there too and I know how hard and hopeless it can seem at times. Acknowledge the questions and seek His answers. Learn Who our Abba is, ask Him to reveal Himself to you. Then be prepared to be amazed at everything you discover. Don't take my word for it, don't just claim my list of Who He is above, personalize it for yourself. Take the journey and come to know the Truth of Who He is. Maybe you'll come to learn as I did that what you've been viewing as bad is actually something incredibly good in your life. Let yourself feel and then let yourself heal.
"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says GOD, "I'll get you out of any trouble. I'll give you the best of care if you'll only get to know and trust me. Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times; I'll rescue you, then throw you a party. I'll give you a long life, give you a long drink of salvation!"
Psalm 91:14-16(MSG)
*Photo credit - infinitiluxe.tumblr.com
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