Questions and Doubts

                                                               *Photo found on www.tunewiki.com through Pinterest

There's a song that's been playing in my head lately, a chorus that keeps coming to mind when I pray about what I should post about next. I find that this is often how God leads me, by stirring something inside me through music. It's a melody and lyrics that seem to be written straight from my heart. It's words that I don't just hear, but ones I actually feel. It's a song by Plumb called, "Need You Now". The chorus so aptly describes my heart's prayer these past couple weeks as I've struggled with my health.

How many times have You heard me cry out,

"God, please take this"?

How many times have You given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh, I need You

God, I need You now.

Most of the time I can deal with my sickness fairly easily. On most days the pain is routine and steady. I know it's there, but I don't dwell on it because it's simply what I always feel. It's not something I enjoy, but it is something I'm used to. If I wasn't sick in some way every day that's when I'd get thrown off... 

But there are days, days that sometimes become weeks, where it all just feels too heavy, where each breath becomes a chore because with each one in and out there's pain. So. Much. Pain. There are times when my chest feels like it's going to collapse through my spine with every breath. Times when I'm almost paralyzed wherever I'm at because with each breath pain shoots from the very bottom of my spine to the very top as if it's going to blast apart like a bomb has gone off inside of me. I get worried when something I normally don't even think about becomes something I have to focus so hard on doing. Breathing is supposed to be natural, something your body just takes care of. For some of us, though, there are times in our lives when each individual breath we take feels like we've just climbed Mt. Everest and then we have to exhale and that's its own battle in itself. But we keep climbing mountains, we keep inhaling and exhaling, even though we don't know when the pain is going to end, when we're going to be able to just simply breathe again. We keep fighting through the pain because we refuse to be beaten and defeated by it.

                                                                *Photo credit - coffeeandyoga.tumblr.com

There are also times when my whole torso screams in pain and I'm under attack from a faceless foe, one who somehow snuck inside and turned my body against me. There are times when my lower abdomen ups the pain level significantly and starts ripping itself apart while simultaneously stabbing me repeatedly with what feels like a very sharp instrument. Times when I'm left begging and pleading for it all to just stop while I crawl across the floor in an attempt to escape the pain because I'm incapable of standing in these moments. There are times when I get lost inside the pain and feel like there's no way out. Times when I'm pushed sprawling and screaming into a panic attack that I want nothing to do with. These panic attacks that lead to my extremities going numb and me unable to breathe right so I'm forced to listen to someone else and regulate my inhales and exhales with theirs. There are excruciatingly painful times when I'm left questioning if the pain will ever end or if this will be the attack that finally brings me face to face with my Jesus.

This has been a long and intense struggle. I've dealt with this illness my whole life and trudged my way through the past few years as it's gotten worse. It hasn't been just a physical journey of pain though, it's been a spiritual one as well. I've gone through times of anger at God for allowing this to be my reality, times of questioning and doubt as to why He won't just heal me already. His Word says in Isaiah 53:5 that, "by His wounds we are healed." In Jeremiah 29:11-13 we're told that He has plans for us, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." There are so many Scriptures I could quote with promises just like these, but for a season of my life I felt like these promises weren't meant for me, because if they were then I was being gypped, or at least that's how it felt. It was easier for me to convince myself that He didn't mean these words for me specifically than it was for me to deal with the feelings that were rolling around inside me, the feelings that God had failed me.Thinking that way felt too wrong and treacherous, so I tucked it aside and tried to ignore it because it made me feel like a fraud, a fake, a hypocrite. 

I have walked through seasons of despair, of feeling hopeless and confused as to why I was even still alive. I've asked the question of Him numerous times, "Why did You call me to do what You've called me to do and then leave me here incapable of actually doing it??" I met with a Christian psychologist for a few months to help me deal with all my negative feelings in regards to all this. Through my conversations with her, God brought about healing. On my own, I tend to bottle my emotions up but I was driven to get help because I felt like I had this chasm between Christ and myself because of the anger I didn't know how to deal with. I know He loves me and I trust He can heal me so I couldn't get those to match up with the fact that, for some reason, it seemed God wasn't listening nor responding to my prayers. He was patient and gracious with me as I struggled through these feelings and doubts. When I find myself falling back into these questions, He's merciful with His reminders of how good He truly is.

In the midst of all the hurt and anger, I'd find moments of peace. They'd make absolutely no sense to me, but it'd be like He'd simply turn it all off for a bit so that my mind and my heart could rest. In those times I'd be experiencing what we were told in Philippians 4:7(ESV), "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Those moments of peace, those times where my questions and wonderings were set aside, were like taking a breath of fresh air after being stuck in a smelly, used garbage can. Those days would bring His Truth to life and I'd be renewed and refreshed for the fight that still lay ahead. He'd give me insight and answers to some of my questions, He'd leave me with peace over not knowing answers to the others. 

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One such time was when I had really been struggling over the verses in Jeremiah where He tells us He has good plans for us. I'd pray about them, think on them, and try to figure it out. "How is this good, Lord? Where is my good?" I wanted to know, I wanted something good to focus on when my mind became cloudy with pain. For weeks I circled around and around these verses, trying to get that Truth to mesh with my reality. I don't remember where I was or what I was doing when He gave me insight into this, but I do know the impact of it is something I won't ever forget. It was like a lightbulb suddenly went off in my brain. With one whisper He gave me rest, "My ways are not your ways, My thoughts are not your thoughts. You know this, Child. Doesn't it stand to follow then that My definition of "good" might differ from your definition of it?" 

Whoa… I get warm fuzzies around my heart just typing that out! In my mind "good" meant no longer being sick, "good" was not going through the pain happening in my personal life, "good" meant things were right and happy in my world. But I know now that my view of "good" is not the same as His. Truly good things have come through all this "bad" in my life. If I hadn't gone through the hardship in my personal life than I never would have been able to fall in love with my incredible husband. For him, knowing he'd be waiting for me at the end of the struggle, I'd walk through that pain a hundred times over. In a different part of my life, if I hadn't gone through all these trials and struggles with my health, I wouldn't be as able to relate to others who are suffering in their own struggles. If I hadn't been so sick then I might not have been forced to rely so heavily on my Creator, which I believe would be a tragedy. This sickness has taken me deeper and farther in my faith then I may have ever gone without it.

"Why is she telling us all this?" you may be wondering. Am I wanting sympathy, for people to read this and feel sorry for me? No. Am I wanting others to know how bad it can be for me so that they'll think I'm such a great person when they see me smile? No. Do I say all this to get recognition and praise from you? No. I told you this only because this is what God has called me to share in this post. I want to be obedient to Him, even when what He's telling me to share with you is something I'd rather have none of you know. It may be weird to you or seem silly, but I personally dislike having other people know that I'm sick. Because I don't want their sympathy or "poor Andrea" eyes. Not because I feel it makes me weak, not because I think they see me as less. I don't want it because I feel like us humans too easily focus on the negatives of life and I'd rather people be aware of all the truly good and wonderful things in my world. 

Maybe you're in need of a reminder that God is good, all the time. A reminder that even though at times we have no idea what He's doing or why He's doing it, we can always rest in knowing Who He is. No matter what your circumstances may be screaming at you, no matter what lies the enemy may be trying to keep you chained in, you can hold tight to the Truth of just Who our Lord is. He is El Shaddai (Lord God Almighty), He is El Elyon (The Most High God), He is Yahweh (Lord, Jehovah), He is Jehovah-Raah (The Lord My Shepherd), He is Jehovah Rapha (The Lord That Heals), He is Jehovah Shalom (The Lord Is Peace). He is everlasting, ever faithful, ever true. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. He is our Defender, our Champion, and our Savior. He is incomprehensible, indestructible, and inescapable. He is our Creator, our Deliverer, and our Redeemer. He is fair, kind, and just. He is our strength, our hope, and our comfort. He is everything we need and He never runs out. He is active and alive in our lives. He is Truth. He is Love. He is Good. 

Do not get stuck in despair, in feelings of hopelessness or questions and doubts, my Friends. Walk through them, grow in them, and learn from them. Don't let the enemy hold you back from experiencing what God has in store for you. You're not alone in your doubts. You're not the only one who feels like Heaven shuts it's ears at times. You're not the only one who struggles to believe and claim His promises. I've been there too and I know how hard and hopeless it can seem at times. Acknowledge the questions and seek His answers. Learn Who our Abba is, ask Him to reveal Himself to you. Then be prepared to be amazed at everything you discover. Don't take my word for it, don't just claim my list of Who He is above, personalize it for yourself. Take the journey and come to know the Truth of Who He is. Maybe you'll come to learn as I did that what you've been viewing as bad is actually something incredibly good in your life. Let yourself feel and then let yourself heal.

"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says GOD, "I'll get you out of any trouble. I'll give you the best of care if you'll only get to know and trust me. Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times; I'll rescue you, then throw you a party. I'll give you a long life, give you a long drink of salvation!"

Psalm 91:14-16(MSG)

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God speaks in the car

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I was sitting quietly in the passenger seat, my head turned to look out at the passing scenery. To anyone who saw me I probably just looked like I was enjoying the view, taking it all in. That wasn't it at all though, I doubt I was even seeing what we were passing. I was too busy stewing in my anger, too annoyed and irritated to take notice of nature's beauty around us. My adorable husband wasn't aware that I had mentally declared war, he was oblivious to the battle I was enmeshed in.

Earlier we had had a disagreement, one I honestly don't think he was even aware of because I didn't actually state my opinion verbally, more so just by my body language. You know those silent cues to let the other person know they've transgressed against us… crossing our arms, angling away from them, rolling our eyes, huffing and sighing instead of just breathing normally. Well let's just say my husband innocently missed these cues and just went about doing what he wanted.

In all fairness he did nothing wrong. I should've spoken up. He wasn't even looking at me so how was he supposed to see all my silent cues? But when we're in the thick of our anger, we're very rarely able to be fair. Me? I was too piping hot to be rational in that moment. So I became an outwardly silent passenger while mentally my voice was ringing out loud.

"Why did we have to do this his way? How did he win and why did I have to lose??" were my incredibly selfish thoughts. After I stewed on those a bit then some other thoughts popped up and left me feeling conflicted, "Do I speak up or let it go? Am I setting a bad pattern for the rest of our marriage by allowing this to pass without expressing my inner upset over it? I don't want to lose my voice!" 

James 4:1-2 (MSG) says, "Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don't have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn't yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it." 

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I grew up in church, I memorized Scripture, and I knew that my reaction to this situation was wrong. This wasn't a justified and holy anger - this was a selfish and I-just-want-it-my-way anger. But even knowing that, I still wanted to be heard, still wanted my opinion to matter. I hesitated to speak up in the car though because I worried that by doing so I would hurt his feelings. As angry and annoyed as I was, it didn't mean I wanted to hurt him. I never want to intentionally (or unintentionally) cause this wonderful man any harm. 

"God, what's the right thing to do here??"

The Holy Spirit replied by reminding me of some wise advice we had received in our pre-marital counseling. Disagreements and conflicts will arise, there's no doubt about that, but they don't have to tear us apart. They can make us stronger. So when those times come and we're not sure how to bend and come into agreement, we were told to remember, declare, and mean this statement, "I love you more than I love being right." 

Therein was my answer. I was to love him more.

More than being heard, more than being right, more than having it my way. More than being seen, more than being recognized, more than being in control.

I'm called to love him more than I love any of those things. 

It's not easy, at times it's really hard to lay my flesh down for him. But then I'm reminded of John 15:13 (NIV), " Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends." This verse is most often correlated with death and I think that's why it pops into my head in these kinds of situations, because we've been called to die to ourselves/flesh. Jesus said, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." (Luke 9:23ESV) Another Scripture teaches us, "And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." (Galatians 5:24ESV) Over in Ephesians 5:21 (MSG) we're told, "Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another." 

We're shown over and over again that this life we're living in Christ is not about us. It's not about being recognized, valued, or applauded. It's not about being heard, known, or seen. It's about laying our lives down, denying our flesh it's selfish desires, and loving our Savior and those He's called us to love. 

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Love is a choice and it's one that has to be made daily. I have to continuously choose to love my husband more than I love my flesh. Not because he makes it so hard that it's a daily struggle. In fact, it's quite the opposite - my husband makes it quite easy to love him. But my flesh still rears it's ugly head and I want things my own way.. it's in those moments that I have to consciously make that choice - I have to choose to love him more than myself in those times.

Micah 6:8(MSG) states, "But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what GOD is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, and don't take yourself too seriously - take GOD seriously." The NIV translation says it this way, "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

I'm thankful that my desire to protect him from being hurt on that car ride was greater than my desire to be heard, because it kept me from speaking towards him in anger with words I would have ended up regretting. He mattered more to me than my opinion. Protecting him from being hurt is part of my privilege as his wife. I've come to realize that sometimes the thing he needs protection from most is my selfish flesh.

I'm grateful that I serve the One True God who is active and alive, the God who shows up in my daily life and speaks His Truth to me. I love that He does it in ways that grab my attention and make sense to me. I love that when my heart cries out to Him, He responds.

So I'll take these Truths and insights He's given me in regards to all this and pass them on in hopes that maybe they can help someone else who may be struggling with something similar. I'll leave the speaking and prompting of your hearts to Him.

Me? I think I'll take the time to notice nature's beauty and make up for what I missed out on during that car ride a few weeks ago…

Twenty-six letters

                                                              *Photo credit -  thegirlwhokeepsdreaming.tumblr.com

There are twenty-six letters in the English alphabet. That's all it takes for us to make up our vocabulary. Twenty-six little letters that, when put side-by-side, become very powerful despite their stature. We put them together, rearrange them, add in some punctuation, and POW! We're suddenly a force to be reckoned with. And just like with any other type of power, we can choose to use ours for good or evil. We can be the hero in someone's story or the ugly and hated villain. We can spread love and peace or we can evoke anger and hatred. We can flood someone with confidence or make them feel lower than dirt. We can make them feel important and valued or useless and unwanted. 

When you stop and really think about it, the power we hold because of words can be kind of scary. If I can cause people to feel a certain way simply by speaking, it seems I should be more selective and careful of what it is I say…

You know how it goes, don't you? You've had words spoken to you in both ways - one person using their power for good, but then someone else uses theirs for bad. Maybe not intentionally, but their words still hurt you. Those words, those innocent letters that were used against you, they come flying at you and hit you so hard you feel like you've been run over by a truck. As if the initial pain of that isn't enough, they then dig deep under your skin, get into your core, and fester. They become like black tar, spreading over your insides, creeping towards your heart, leaving pain and shadows in its wake.

Or at least, that's how it felt to me this past week.

Someone, a person who doesn't even know me, used their words against me. They weren't even talking to me, I just heard about it from someone else. I was listening to this person's story, trying to encourage them, when I was suddenly thrown into the mix. "Wait - whaaaa? Why would they say that about me? They don't even know me!!" I was no longer able to offer comfort because a storm had just arose within me.

Their words took the sun out of my sky and replaced it with tornadoes that swept through and tore apart my calm and happiness. I was battered by the flying debris, the sharp edges of these words. I didn't want to hurt anymore, I'm not someone who likes pain, so I did what I've always done when careless words come flying at me - I fled. I threw up my walls and retreated behind their safety.

                      *Photo credit - http://sweetmagnoliasfarm.blogspot.com/2014/05/the-power-of-words-our-daily-bread.html

Fleeing didn't stop the pain though. The words followed me into my safe haven and they started to morph and grow into other nasty words. For these people to use these words against me, they must see something wrong with me. …Oh no, is there something wrong with me?!

"You're not nice enough," they whispered to me. "You're not good enough, helpful enough, pretty enough. You're not friendly enough, talkative enough, outgoing enough. You're not loving enough, patient enough, wife-y enough. You're not Christian enough. You're not genuine enough. You're…not…enough!!" Their whispers grew to screams and I couldn't cover my ears tight enough. They were seeping into me and I was trying to fight them. I was on the defensive, always on guard for the next attack to come. I don't mean that just mentally either, I mean in my reality. I kept expecting someone else to use hurtful words towards me. Because if I'm really so bad then someone else is going to want to point it out too, right? I became like a ghost of myself this past week. I smiled when it was expected, laughed through the ache inside. I shuttered my eyes so no one could see the pain lurking in my heart. I closed myself off and left a fake in my place. 

I'm not good at talking about my negative feelings. I can do it, but when I've been hurt, talking about it isn't my natural reaction. Nope, I don't want anyone to even know I'm in pain. I tend to keep it to myself, something between me and God. I open up to Him because it seems silly to pretend I'm not hurting with Him. I mean, hello! He totally already knows what I'm thinking and feeling. It's a good thing too because I need Him to whack me upside the head with His love at times.

The words have been there since I first heard them. Sure, I pretended I was over it, but I knew the truth. I wasn't even close to being over it, the hurt just kept digging deeper. I tried to not think about it, tried to move past it, but the message I took from them just kept replaying in my head. I'm not enough. 

I'm not enough? But wait… that's not what Jesus tells me. In His gentle way, He broke through the barriers of lies surrounding me and whispered to my heart (which is the "whack" I was desperately needing.)

"You are beautiful, My Child. You are precious to Me. You bring Me great joy. I delight in you. Do not listen to the lies of the enemy. He seeks only to kill, steal, and destroy… your joy, your peace, your identity in Me. But I came so that you may have abundant life in Me! You are worth more to Me than you can comprehend. I died for you, to be with you. You are worth giving up My throne for. You are worth facing the cold of winter's nights and the blazing sun of a summer's day. You are worth being betrayed, mocked, and beaten for. You are worth dying for. I would do it all again, just to be with you. In Me, you are made complete. In Me, you are made whole. In Me, you…are…enough!!"

As I was reading a book recently I came across this quote that fit my current situation perfectly, "Being unable to forgive someone is like drinking poison and expecting it to hurt that other person, but the only one it hurts is you." 

It's a true statement. I was struggling to forgive this person. This person who is completely oblivious to the fact that their careless words caused such heartache within me. They have no idea the destruction left in the wake of their words' tornadoes. How it caused me to shut down and question everyone's motives around me. How they led to me being overly defensive, argumentative, and rude. To try to keep from being attacked again, I would go on the attack first. My husband was left wondering what in the world had gotten into me and why I was picking fights over inconsequential things, why his innocent remarks were like setting off bombs around me. 

I've struggled all week between doing what I knew I should do and doing what my flesh wanted instead. I didn't want to forgive, I wanted an apology. I didn't want to let it go, I wanted them to feel remorse and admit that they're wrong about me. I wanted my name cleared of these false accusations that were laid at my feet.

"How easily you forget," He said to me. "I've already done that. You've been washed clean by My blood. Your name has been cleared of all accusations. There is no longer condemnation for those who belong to Me. Child, you are already redeemed!"

God is so merciful and gracious to me, so patient with me. He gently but firmly turned me around and reminded me that how I've been acting (or should I say reacting) is not who He has called me to be. He showed me that I was allowing man's opinion to matter more to me than His opinion of me does. When I am secure in Him, then man's opinion doesn't matter, I'm free to be me. But when I let others' words become of more importance to me than His words, I'm left scrambling for security again, retreating within myself where the sense of security is false. My only truly safe place is in Him.

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Despair. Heartache. Feelings of unworthiness. These are the feelings this person's words evoked in me.

Peace. Contentment. Secure in my identity in Him. These are what I rest in when I'm resting in Him.

Alive. Relief. Free. This is how I feel now that I've allowed God to do His work in my heart and help me forgive my offender.

There are twenty-six letters in the English alphabet. Only twenty-six letters, but boy are they powerful things. We put them together, rearrange them, and send them out with a message. A message of hope or one of despair. A message of acceptance or one of disapproval.

We can either be the hero or the villain…. may we all be more aware of the words we speak.

A kitchen stool in a bedroom...

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I saw a video posted recently on Facebook. One of my friends had reposted it from the group, The Anima Series. This video, "I Am Awesome" (which you can watch if you'd like) stirred something inside of me, brought to the surface this hunger to really know if what they said is true. Could the message that these people are sharing, the words this guy is boldly proclaiming, could this really be how God sees me? 

I also keep getting this song stuck in my head. Well, honestly it's just the chorus that keeps following me around.

 Hello, my name is Child of the One True King.

 I've been saved, I've been changed, I have been set free

 Amazing Grace is the song I sing

 Hello, my name is Child of the One True King! 

It's a beautiful and powerful song by Matthew West (take a listen) that makes my heart stand at attention. "Is he talking about me? Are these lyrics for me?", my heart seems to wonder. Could it be that the way I've always seen myself and the way I tend to think of myself are wrong? Is it true that God sees me differently?

I don't think it's just a coincidence that I've come across these two powerful messages that are calling out and awakening some deeply buried part of me. No, definitely not a mere coincidence. Instead, I feel God calling me forth, beckoning me to crawl out of the pit of lies I've been stuck in, to drop the chains of the negativity surrounding me, and to walk forward into the light of who I am in Him. He's revealing things to me and bringing to mind times in my past where He's shown me these same truths. It's been a process, a journey He's been leading me on for years without me fully realizing it. 

A couple years ago, I was sitting in my bedroom on one of the kitchen stools. Why that stool was in the bedroom instead of out at the table, I have no idea, but I suppose that part's irrelevant. The important part is while I was sitting there, God gave me a vision. 

   

 I saw myself walking with a group of people. At first I was near the front of the group, kind of like I was one of the leaders. As we kept going, I started to realize that we were walking towards a light, a light so bright that it made where we were at suddenly seem so dark. I started to get nervous, I guess maybe a little worried about what this light would reveal. I started to feel dirty, unworthy of being in the light. The others kept walking, but I was slowing down. I instinctively knew that once we got to the light, we'd be in Jesus' presence and I felt like others deserved to see Him first. I glanced around and started really seeing who I was walking with. "Oh, there's the pastor. Well he should definitely go before me. He's a much better Christian than I am." The people kept going until suddenly I was standing still, back with my chains, while everyone around me passed me by. "They're all so much better than me, so much cleaner. They all deserve to see Christ. I should probably just stay here" I thought to myself.

I was in the dark, all alone, when I heard Him calling, "Child, come to me."

"Oh no, Lord. I can't. I'm…I-I-I-I'm chained."

"No, Dear One, you're not. I have broken your chains. Come."

I glanced down and realized something astonishing. He was right, I wasn't chained! Instead of the chains holding me in place, it was me holding on to the chains.

"It is for freedom that I set you free, walk in that freedom. Let go of the things that once held you back. Be free. Come."

That vision made me cry. Tears trickled down as I sat in awe of what He'd just shown me. Just as the stool I was sitting on didn't have a hold on me, all I had to do was make the choice to stand up and move, so it is with the bonds of sin. They have been broken by Jesus and can no longer hold me. I have been bought by the precious blood of Jesus and all I have to do is choose to drop the chains and move forward into Him.

I believe God's been speaking a message to my heart for a long time. A message that I was hearing in bits and pieces, but not grasping fully. The message that God loves me, me, just as much as everyone else. He doesn't see me as unworthy of His attention and presence. He doesn't say I should let everyone else come to Him first because they're better than me. He doesn't have favorites, except in the fact that each one of us is equally His favorite. I'm not too dirty, too weak, too nervous. I'm not too quiet, too weird, too impatient. I'm not too bad to be loved by Him. In fact, the way I see me isn't how He sees me at all. When He looks at me, His Word says He sees…

A freed captive - one free of condemnation, free from the law of sin and death. One powerful and strong in Him. His temple. One sanctified in Him. One washed white by His blood, pure in His sight. One who is blameless in Him. His child. His redeemed. His beloved. His heir. The apple of His eye. His friend. A new creation in Him. His righteousness. Holy in Him. His fearfully and wonderfully created one, made for good works. One with bold and confident access to Him. A citizen of heaven. One who is precious and beautiful to Him. His accepted one. His chosen one. Complete in Christ.

                                                                        *Photo credit - illbeasunbeam.tumblr.com

What if I lived as if I truly believed these things?

When my husband compliments me, I live believing it. What he says gives me more confidence in how I look and feel, which changes my whole approach and attitude about my day. When I believe what he says, I feel more free to be me. When I'm accepted in my husband's eyes, I don't worry so much about how I look or act or feel. He loves me, I believe it, and so I'm safe.

How much freer I would be if I took the Truth's about how God sees me, tucked them into my heart, proclaimed them in my life, and lived safe in the knowledge that I am accepted, wanted, and cherished by Him. I am beautiful, unique, and I have a purpose. I please Him, I bring Him joy, and God sings over me. He takes delight in me. These powerful Truths are life-changing, soul-impacting, heart-freeing. If we believe and claim these things, our hearts will be changed. And if you change a heart, you change the world. Our world is in desperate need of change...

I'll end with this quote from a book I got when I was around 12 or 13 (I'm telling you, God's been revealing these things to me for a long time...) 

"When God sings, I wonder what it sounds like.

Does He roar like Pavarotti

or croon like Nat King Cole

or raise the roof like a spirited gospel choir

or whisper a mother's lullaby?

Either way…..

or every way….

God sings because you give Him joy."

Learning from some Israelites

                                                                              *Photo found on Pinterest

 Have you ever read the story of Moses and the Israelites and thought to yourself, "Why are these people so stupid? Why do they not get that going forward is better than going back, that God's leading them to something better? How do they keep missing this?!?" If you've never wondered this then you and I come at this story from different sides because me? I've always thought this. I could never grasp it, never figure out why they'd want to go back. They got mad at Moses for gaining them their freedom. They didn't want freedom anymore, they wanted to go back to captivity. 

Say whaaaa? They wanted to go back?? Again with the, "why are they so stupid?!" thoughts. But then there came a point in my life where, without even realizing it, I became just like them. Wanting to go back to the misery I knew. It's in that moment that God gave me a revelation about all of this.

At one point in my life I was only able to eat potatoes and drink water. That's it, nothing else. If I tried anything else I went into a severe attack and got rushed to the ER. I had enough ER trips without it being caused by food, so I did everything I could to stay away from that place. I was in bed all the time, my mom was having to help me with every day tasks such as washing my face and brushing my teeth. It was a really rough time in my life, but God remained faithful and continued to teach me things through the pain. This is from a journal entry of mine on February 8th, 2012. (*Berberine was a new medicine my doctor was having me try and it was making me worse. If you'd like to read more about my health you can read this note I posted about it on Facebook here)

 " I wish I could see God's plan for my life. Why does He continue to have me walk through this? Why hasn't He released His healing power over me? Will I ever be free of this pain while on earth or will that be something I only experience in heaven? So many questions swirl in my mind throughout the days. I don't doubt God's healing power, I know He's able to heal me. But for whatever reason, it's not His timing yet. That's a hard thing to accept, but I'm trying. As much as I truly wish for this season of my life to be over, good things have come out of it. I've learned so much in this sickness that I doubt I would've learned if I'd never had to walk this path. I've gone deeper in my faith then I've ever gone before. I'm learning new things and God's giving me fresh revelations. It's an amazing experience, growing closer to my Savior. He's so good to me, so patient and loving. What a blessing it is to be accepted by my Abba!

  One of the things He's revealed to me has to do with the Israelites and their journey to the Promised Land. I had been feeling pretty discouraged about my health and all that goes with it. The constant stream of tests that all said I was fine, the doctors who didn't really want to find out what's wrong, etc. It all had me really down. I was feeling like there was no end in sight, I felt like there was no hope of ever being healthy. It was so hard being so hungry but unable to eat anything besides potatoes. I was crying and pouring my heart out to God once again. I was thinking, "I don't want to be sick anymore, but at least before this Berberine I was able to eat more than just potatoes. I wasn't healthy, but it was better than this. At least that was a misery I knew." 

Then BOOM! I thought, "This must be how the Israelites felt when they came out of Egypt!" I have never in my life understood why they complained and wanted to go back to Egypt, to that horrible place, instead of moving into the Promised Land. Now I get it - the misery in Egypt was familiar so it was "safe", but this trek to the Promised Land was unknown so it was scary. We know how the story ends, but THEY didn't. They didn't get to look ahead a few verses/chapters and see what was on the other side of the desert, they had to go through the wilderness and unknown to get there. That's how I've felt lately! "God, why did you bring me out of my Egypt only to lead me here? Where's the healing? Where's the freedom? When do I reach the Promised Land??" Now that I'm aware of these thoughts I try to stop them in their tracks. I'm trying to change from, "I want to go back, at least I knew that pain" to "Help me keep moving forward. I don't want to wander in this wilderness for 40 years. I KNOW the Promised Land's on the other side of this, help me to keep moving towards it!" It was an intense revelation and I'm so thankful God gave it to me. "

I'm no longer in that place of life, but that revelation still rings true for me. Whenever I get discouraged and start having doubts, on those days where my body seems intent on destroying itself, I hold tight to the promise that there is a purpose in all of this and God will reveal it in His perfect timing. Though I may never understand why this is the path I've been set on, why these are the trials I'm asked to endure, I can still cling to His promises that He has a plan for my life and this "wilderness" is not all there is. 

I don't enjoy this part of life. I hate being sick and never knowing when the next attack is going to come. I miss being able to just eat what I was hungry for instead of having to monitor every single thing that passes through my lips. I miss eating out with friends and family, those days when I could go to a restaurant without taking my own food along in a lunch box. I could list tons of things I don't like about this chronic illness that I'm living with. But even so, knowing how much I don't enjoy this aspect of life, I can still make the choice to give thanks for it. Because in this sickness I've found freedom. Freedom from the belief system that I can do this on my own, that I have to do this on my own. Freedom in the Truth that it is only through Him, and by Him, and in Him that I live and have my being (Acts 17:28.) It is through His strength that I face each new day, whether it be filled with pain or not. It is in Him that I find my peace when my body is screaming with pain. It is by Him that I inhale and exhale and keep on living. 

If God's leading you through a wilderness in your life, learn from the Israelites' mistakes. Don't buy into the lie that this is all there is, that God's forgotten you, or that what was before is better than what's to come. God has a purpose and a plan for your life. You may not understand it, but you can still choose to trust Him in it. Don't get stuck in the wilderness and don't turn back to what you knew before. God has called you forth and He will strengthen you to walk the path He's laid before you. Keep pressing on, moving forward, and trusting Him. Learn what He wants to teach you, listen to what He's saying to you, and believe that He is leading you to the Promised Land.

"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end - Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you."  (Isaiah 43:2-6 MSG)

You are not alone, Friend. No matter what you're facing, hold tight to this Truth - You are not alone!

a new beginning

                                                                                   *Photo found on Pinterest

I never thought I'd have a blog. Blogs are for smart people, people who know all their grammar and English language rules. Blogs aren't for people like me who just can't seem to remember what the purpose and difference between nouns, adverbs, adjectives, and verbs are. I mean really, shouldn't you at least be able to remember that before you write a blog??

Apparently not. That stuff doesn't seem to matter to God. He knows my weakness in this area and has still called me to start a blog. A blog, ha! I'm still getting used to this idea of His. If God and I had a face-to-face chat about this I imagine it would've gone something like this….

After talking for a while we're now just sitting and enjoying watching the rain fall. I'm thinking about the Truth of how it's the One beside me causing this weather when He calls out to me..

*Photo credit - fineartamerica.com

Hey, Andi, you know how much you love words? How it fascinates you that all you have is 26 letters in the English alphabet, yet somehow you're able to portray so much with them? I've given you that love, that feeling of awe and wonder. The way you use them to encourage others, speaking love into their lives, I've given you that too. You've opened yourself up by the letters you've been writing to your loved ones, letters to let them know how appreciated and loved they are. I'm proud of you for doing this, for loving them in this way. Now, I want you to open up even more. I want you to share your words with more people. I want you to take the words and pass them on. I want you to start a blog.

"Um…say whaaaaaa??? Are you being serious?"

Yes, I'm quite serious.

"Oh, Lord, I think You're talking to the wrong girl. I have nothing to say! I mean, I read blogs by other women of You, encouraging blogs that are insightful and inspiring. I'm just… me. What would I write about?? I don't have anything important enough to share!!"

You have Me.

"Oh. Well…yes, that's true. But I'm probably not the best person to represent You in that way. I mean, You know me - I'm a mess! I'm constantly screwing up. I move without always seeking Your direction, I swerve when I'm supposed to go straight. I don't always have nice thoughts about people. I can be judgmental and opinionated. Patience? I really screw that one up! I don't talk with You as much as I need to. I don't always love like You, I'm not always a good reflection of You. You see the real me, Father. You gotta see that people need to hear from someone better than me."

*Photo credit - fabulouslyliving.blogspot.com

In Your weakness I'm shown strong. I'll be with you, I'll give you the words. Don't be scared, I won't ask you to do this alone. Be open and I'll fill you, be willing and I'll lead you, be real and I'll be seen through you.

"Be…be real?!? You want me to… to… to show them the real me?? Oh boy, Father, I'm not so sure I can do that. I mean, I don't let everyone in for a reason! What if… what if they take a glimpse inside and then they no longer like me? What if I'm not what they think at all, what if they judge me? Oh no, that would hurt too much! Can't I just put on a happy face, say all the nice things Christians are supposed to say, and let them keep their "good girl" opinions of me? Can't that be enough?" 

You are a daughter of the Most High King. You are My Beloved. You are worth dying for. I have called you by name, Child. You are Mine! You've been redeemed and sanctified. You are set apart, you are My chosen one. You have My Spirit inside of you. Do not let anyone lead you to believe lies about who you are in Me. You remember the Truth of who I say you are and do not listen to mans opinions. Show them the girl I created, the girl I died to be with, the girl I love. Let them see you so that they can see Me.

"Are you sure about this? What if I screw it up, what if I fail? "

You can do all things in Me. I'll give you the strength. Step out, Love, and shine for Me.

*Photo found on Pinterest

The rain lets up and I glimpse a rainbow in the sky. I'm reminded of His promises. Though I still have some doubts and fears, some nerves in regards to doing this, I also have a peace. His peace. I take a deep breath and I submit.

"Ok, Father. I'll obey and do what You've asked. Be with me as I do this, please?"

Always, Child. You are never alone.

So here I am, writing my first post for this blog. I never imagined doing something like this. But I gotta admit, I'm pretty darn excited about it. I have no idea what I'm doing, so I'm hoping y'all will have grace on me as I learn. I probably won't use the correct punctuation all the time. I might use the wrong spelling or even the wrong word. But I'll step out and write anyways. I'll stand up and speak regardless. Because this blog isn't about me. It's not a way to get more friends or make people love me, it's not a way to gain praise from my peers. 

It's a way for me to be obedient to my Creator, a way for me to be real with y'all in a way I've never allowed myself to be before. I'll do my best to be open and real, even when it leaves me feeling raw and exposed, vulnerable to judgements. I'll let you see the happy and the sad, the confidence and the doubts, the triumphs and the struggles. I'll let you in as I simply live life. Some days it may be a post on something that impacted me, other days it may be a post on my mind wondering how God came up with the design for the platypus ('cause let's be honest, those things are strange looking.)

It's a way for me to show how God speaks in my life. To help me (and possibly you) see His beauty in the messy, the spectacular in the normal,  the "aha!" in the mundane. How everything we go through, everything that happens, is a chance for us to grow in Him. How He's refining us in our everyday lives. 

It's a way for me to remember that even when I feel like He's being silent in my life, that He does still speak. In a calming and gentle way, He speaks to me. He whispers in the silence.

It's a way for me to declare that it is by Him, through Him, and in Him that I live. It is by His will that I am here.

*Photo found on Pinterest

 Job 33:4 states, "The Spirit of God made me what I am, the breath of God Almighty gave me life!" (MSG)

It's my prayer that I will share with all of you:

Father, come. Into me…breathe!