There are twenty-six letters in the English alphabet. That's all it takes for us to make up our vocabulary. Twenty-six little letters that, when put side-by-side, become very powerful despite their stature. We put them together, rearrange them, add in some punctuation, and POW! We're suddenly a force to be reckoned with. And just like with any other type of power, we can choose to use ours for good or evil. We can be the hero in someone's story or the ugly and hated villain. We can spread love and peace or we can evoke anger and hatred. We can flood someone with confidence or make them feel lower than dirt. We can make them feel important and valued or useless and unwanted.
When you stop and really think about it, the power we hold because of words can be kind of scary. If I can cause people to feel a certain way simply by speaking, it seems I should be more selective and careful of what it is I say…
You know how it goes, don't you? You've had words spoken to you in both ways - one person using their power for good, but then someone else uses theirs for bad. Maybe not intentionally, but their words still hurt you. Those words, those innocent letters that were used against you, they come flying at you and hit you so hard you feel like you've been run over by a truck. As if the initial pain of that isn't enough, they then dig deep under your skin, get into your core, and fester. They become like black tar, spreading over your insides, creeping towards your heart, leaving pain and shadows in its wake.
Or at least, that's how it felt to me this past week.
Someone, a person who doesn't even know me, used their words against me. They weren't even talking to me, I just heard about it from someone else. I was listening to this person's story, trying to encourage them, when I was suddenly thrown into the mix. "Wait - whaaaa? Why would they say that about me? They don't even know me!!" I was no longer able to offer comfort because a storm had just arose within me.
Their words took the sun out of my sky and replaced it with tornadoes that swept through and tore apart my calm and happiness. I was battered by the flying debris, the sharp edges of these words. I didn't want to hurt anymore, I'm not someone who likes pain, so I did what I've always done when careless words come flying at me - I fled. I threw up my walls and retreated behind their safety.
*Photo credit - http://sweetmagnoliasfarm.blogspot.com/2014/05/the-power-of-words-our-daily-bread.html
Fleeing didn't stop the pain though. The words followed me into my safe haven and they started to morph and grow into other nasty words. For these people to use these words against me, they must see something wrong with me. …Oh no, is there something wrong with me?!
"You're not nice enough," they whispered to me. "You're not good enough, helpful enough, pretty enough. You're not friendly enough, talkative enough, outgoing enough. You're not loving enough, patient enough, wife-y enough. You're not Christian enough. You're not genuine enough. You're…not…enough!!" Their whispers grew to screams and I couldn't cover my ears tight enough. They were seeping into me and I was trying to fight them. I was on the defensive, always on guard for the next attack to come. I don't mean that just mentally either, I mean in my reality. I kept expecting someone else to use hurtful words towards me. Because if I'm really so bad then someone else is going to want to point it out too, right? I became like a ghost of myself this past week. I smiled when it was expected, laughed through the ache inside. I shuttered my eyes so no one could see the pain lurking in my heart. I closed myself off and left a fake in my place.
I'm not good at talking about my negative feelings. I can do it, but when I've been hurt, talking about it isn't my natural reaction. Nope, I don't want anyone to even know I'm in pain. I tend to keep it to myself, something between me and God. I open up to Him because it seems silly to pretend I'm not hurting with Him. I mean, hello! He totally already knows what I'm thinking and feeling. It's a good thing too because I need Him to whack me upside the head with His love at times.
The words have been there since I first heard them. Sure, I pretended I was over it, but I knew the truth. I wasn't even close to being over it, the hurt just kept digging deeper. I tried to not think about it, tried to move past it, but the message I took from them just kept replaying in my head. I'm not enough.
I'm not enough? But wait… that's not what Jesus tells me. In His gentle way, He broke through the barriers of lies surrounding me and whispered to my heart (which is the "whack" I was desperately needing.)
"You are beautiful, My Child. You are precious to Me. You bring Me great joy. I delight in you. Do not listen to the lies of the enemy. He seeks only to kill, steal, and destroy… your joy, your peace, your identity in Me. But I came so that you may have abundant life in Me! You are worth more to Me than you can comprehend. I died for you, to be with you. You are worth giving up My throne for. You are worth facing the cold of winter's nights and the blazing sun of a summer's day. You are worth being betrayed, mocked, and beaten for. You are worth dying for. I would do it all again, just to be with you. In Me, you are made complete. In Me, you are made whole. In Me, you…are…enough!!"
As I was reading a book recently I came across this quote that fit my current situation perfectly, "Being unable to forgive someone is like drinking poison and expecting it to hurt that other person, but the only one it hurts is you."
It's a true statement. I was struggling to forgive this person. This person who is completely oblivious to the fact that their careless words caused such heartache within me. They have no idea the destruction left in the wake of their words' tornadoes. How it caused me to shut down and question everyone's motives around me. How they led to me being overly defensive, argumentative, and rude. To try to keep from being attacked again, I would go on the attack first. My husband was left wondering what in the world had gotten into me and why I was picking fights over inconsequential things, why his innocent remarks were like setting off bombs around me.
I've struggled all week between doing what I knew I should do and doing what my flesh wanted instead. I didn't want to forgive, I wanted an apology. I didn't want to let it go, I wanted them to feel remorse and admit that they're wrong about me. I wanted my name cleared of these false accusations that were laid at my feet.
"How easily you forget," He said to me. "I've already done that. You've been washed clean by My blood. Your name has been cleared of all accusations. There is no longer condemnation for those who belong to Me. Child, you are already redeemed!"
God is so merciful and gracious to me, so patient with me. He gently but firmly turned me around and reminded me that how I've been acting (or should I say reacting) is not who He has called me to be. He showed me that I was allowing man's opinion to matter more to me than His opinion of me does. When I am secure in Him, then man's opinion doesn't matter, I'm free to be me. But when I let others' words become of more importance to me than His words, I'm left scrambling for security again, retreating within myself where the sense of security is false. My only truly safe place is in Him.
*Photo found on Pinterest
Despair. Heartache. Feelings of unworthiness. These are the feelings this person's words evoked in me.
Peace. Contentment. Secure in my identity in Him. These are what I rest in when I'm resting in Him.
Alive. Relief. Free. This is how I feel now that I've allowed God to do His work in my heart and help me forgive my offender.
There are twenty-six letters in the English alphabet. Only twenty-six letters, but boy are they powerful things. We put them together, rearrange them, and send them out with a message. A message of hope or one of despair. A message of acceptance or one of disapproval.
We can either be the hero or the villain…. may we all be more aware of the words we speak.
