Have you ever read the story of Moses and the Israelites and thought to yourself, "Why are these people so stupid? Why do they not get that going forward is better than going back, that God's leading them to something better? How do they keep missing this?!?" If you've never wondered this then you and I come at this story from different sides because me? I've always thought this. I could never grasp it, never figure out why they'd want to go back. They got mad at Moses for gaining them their freedom. They didn't want freedom anymore, they wanted to go back to captivity.
Say whaaaa? They wanted to go back?? Again with the, "why are they so stupid?!" thoughts. But then there came a point in my life where, without even realizing it, I became just like them. Wanting to go back to the misery I knew. It's in that moment that God gave me a revelation about all of this.
At one point in my life I was only able to eat potatoes and drink water. That's it, nothing else. If I tried anything else I went into a severe attack and got rushed to the ER. I had enough ER trips without it being caused by food, so I did everything I could to stay away from that place. I was in bed all the time, my mom was having to help me with every day tasks such as washing my face and brushing my teeth. It was a really rough time in my life, but God remained faithful and continued to teach me things through the pain. This is from a journal entry of mine on February 8th, 2012. (*Berberine was a new medicine my doctor was having me try and it was making me worse. If you'd like to read more about my health you can read this note I posted about it on Facebook here)
" I wish I could see God's plan for my life. Why does He continue to have me walk through this? Why hasn't He released His healing power over me? Will I ever be free of this pain while on earth or will that be something I only experience in heaven? So many questions swirl in my mind throughout the days. I don't doubt God's healing power, I know He's able to heal me. But for whatever reason, it's not His timing yet. That's a hard thing to accept, but I'm trying. As much as I truly wish for this season of my life to be over, good things have come out of it. I've learned so much in this sickness that I doubt I would've learned if I'd never had to walk this path. I've gone deeper in my faith then I've ever gone before. I'm learning new things and God's giving me fresh revelations. It's an amazing experience, growing closer to my Savior. He's so good to me, so patient and loving. What a blessing it is to be accepted by my Abba!
One of the things He's revealed to me has to do with the Israelites and their journey to the Promised Land. I had been feeling pretty discouraged about my health and all that goes with it. The constant stream of tests that all said I was fine, the doctors who didn't really want to find out what's wrong, etc. It all had me really down. I was feeling like there was no end in sight, I felt like there was no hope of ever being healthy. It was so hard being so hungry but unable to eat anything besides potatoes. I was crying and pouring my heart out to God once again. I was thinking, "I don't want to be sick anymore, but at least before this Berberine I was able to eat more than just potatoes. I wasn't healthy, but it was better than this. At least that was a misery I knew."
Then BOOM! I thought, "This must be how the Israelites felt when they came out of Egypt!" I have never in my life understood why they complained and wanted to go back to Egypt, to that horrible place, instead of moving into the Promised Land. Now I get it - the misery in Egypt was familiar so it was "safe", but this trek to the Promised Land was unknown so it was scary. We know how the story ends, but THEY didn't. They didn't get to look ahead a few verses/chapters and see what was on the other side of the desert, they had to go through the wilderness and unknown to get there. That's how I've felt lately! "God, why did you bring me out of my Egypt only to lead me here? Where's the healing? Where's the freedom? When do I reach the Promised Land??" Now that I'm aware of these thoughts I try to stop them in their tracks. I'm trying to change from, "I want to go back, at least I knew that pain" to "Help me keep moving forward. I don't want to wander in this wilderness for 40 years. I KNOW the Promised Land's on the other side of this, help me to keep moving towards it!" It was an intense revelation and I'm so thankful God gave it to me. "
I'm no longer in that place of life, but that revelation still rings true for me. Whenever I get discouraged and start having doubts, on those days where my body seems intent on destroying itself, I hold tight to the promise that there is a purpose in all of this and God will reveal it in His perfect timing. Though I may never understand why this is the path I've been set on, why these are the trials I'm asked to endure, I can still cling to His promises that He has a plan for my life and this "wilderness" is not all there is.
I don't enjoy this part of life. I hate being sick and never knowing when the next attack is going to come. I miss being able to just eat what I was hungry for instead of having to monitor every single thing that passes through my lips. I miss eating out with friends and family, those days when I could go to a restaurant without taking my own food along in a lunch box. I could list tons of things I don't like about this chronic illness that I'm living with. But even so, knowing how much I don't enjoy this aspect of life, I can still make the choice to give thanks for it. Because in this sickness I've found freedom. Freedom from the belief system that I can do this on my own, that I have to do this on my own. Freedom in the Truth that it is only through Him, and by Him, and in Him that I live and have my being (Acts 17:28.) It is through His strength that I face each new day, whether it be filled with pain or not. It is in Him that I find my peace when my body is screaming with pain. It is by Him that I inhale and exhale and keep on living.
If God's leading you through a wilderness in your life, learn from the Israelites' mistakes. Don't buy into the lie that this is all there is, that God's forgotten you, or that what was before is better than what's to come. God has a purpose and a plan for your life. You may not understand it, but you can still choose to trust Him in it. Don't get stuck in the wilderness and don't turn back to what you knew before. God has called you forth and He will strengthen you to walk the path He's laid before you. Keep pressing on, moving forward, and trusting Him. Learn what He wants to teach you, listen to what He's saying to you, and believe that He is leading you to the Promised Land.
"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end - Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you." (Isaiah 43:2-6 MSG)
You are not alone, Friend. No matter what you're facing, hold tight to this Truth - You are not alone!
