living... breathing... art

"A Million Little Ways" by Emily P. Freeman

*I'm sorry, but I'm not sure who the photo credit goes to...

I recently went on a two month hiatus from this blog. Maybe you read every post of mine so you noticed when I stopped writing. Or perhaps this is the first post you've ever read so my absence didn't even cause a ripple of awareness in your world. Whatever the case, I'd like to share with you why my fingers ceased their typing.

I've been reading Emily P. Freeman's book, "A Million Little Ways." This book is very encouraging and challenging for me, I'm absolutely loving the things I'm learning through it. My husband and I moved when I was a little over halfway through it and somehow in the packing my book got misplaced so I was unable to finish it. Thankfully I found it recently so I've been able to just restart from the beginning. This made me one happy girl!

The tagline, if you will, for this book is "uncover the art you were made to live." Emily talks about how we're all artists and that we were born to make art, we were made to live art. Whatever we do, that is our art. I strongly encourage anyone and everyone to read it because it's such an inspiring read. This book was actually the push I needed to surrender to God's calling on me to begin this very blog. 

It's also what helped me realize that I needed to step back and take a break from the writing. My mind had begun to be crowded with worries over what you, the readers, were thinking about what I was writing. Were you enjoying it or was I boring you? Would the comments bring compliments or ridicule? Was I at all making a difference or was I wasting my time?

I had also begun to be intimidated by the art other women were producing. In the beginning, I loved reading their blogs and finding encouragement in their posts. But then that encouragement morphed into intimidation for me. Their words and the ways they used them seemed so much better than my own. Their blogs get read by many while mine might only be seen by a few.

Emily caught what I was feeling in chapter 6 of her book and she says it this way - 

"Sometimes my biggest enemy isn't the critic spitting rude in my face, 

it's the artist crafting beautiful, gracious work by my side."

In my eyes, their art is on par with da Vinci while I'm still playing with finger paints. Theirs gets the esteemed place of gracing peoples walls while mine is more fit for the side of a refrigerator. Their art is so much prettier, so much more profound, so much more inspiring so why do I even try when I obviously don't measure up?

"As a matter of fact, do everything that way, heartily and freely to God's glory." (1 Corinthians 10:31MSG)

I was sitting on my bed with the laptop in front of me while I tried getting the words to flow right for another post when it hit me - my focus wasn't in the right place. I couldn't get the message to sound right because my own ears had been turned to my inner critic's voice. Somewhere along the line my thoughts had changed from, "What do you want me to share, Lord?" to "What do they want to hear?" So I pushed the Mac away and began my break from the blogger world. In that moment, a phrase from Emily's book resonated in my heart.

"I'm no longer an image bearer with a job to do. 

I have become a job doer with an image to maintain."

I needed to step away from the art because it had become too important. I had come to a place where surrender was once again required. I felt in my heart that I needed some time apart from the task of writing for my blog.

                                                              *Photo found on Pinterest*

I wanted to once again be at the place where my reason for opening myself up through my blog was so that God would be glorified. I needed to let go of the hindrances I had picked up by measuring my blog's status against that of others' success. I needed to once again find peace about being at my art table with my finger paints. I longed to again be content with my place of honor on someone's fridge (and it is an honorary place because that's where all the beautiful childlike art gets showcased.) I felt called to sink again into Him so that my words would point towards Him, not towards myself. This blog is never supposed to be about me, it's reason for being is to show His power and presence in my life so that others may be encouraged. I lost sight of all of that when I began comparing myself to others and worrying about how y'all viewed me.

"Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life." (Galatians 6:4-5MSG)

I didn't write anything over the course of the two months. When ideas for posts would flutter in my brain, I'd allow them to flutter right back out without writing them down anywhere. I didn't want to do anything related with my own blog until I felt God give me the go ahead to start sharing again. I figured if these thoughts and ideas were things He wanted me to share, than I could trust He'd remind me of them when the time came.

While my heart and mind felt ready before the two months was over, I continued to stay absent because I didn't feel like God had told me to start writing again. I never had a plan of staying away so long, but I'm trying to trust more in the Truth that God's timing is best and in so doing wait on Him to lead me onward instead of just rashly forging ahead. In this situation, that meant keeping my fingers off the keyboard and allowing Him to control when/if I wrote another post.

I'm happy to be back and writing again, though the break from it was greatly needed. I didn't realize how much until I'd stepped back from it. I think that happens more often than we realize.

We know God's calling us to do something so we surrender and step out in obedience. Then we put our all into this purpose He's given us, at times not realizing when the ministry becomes more important than the One Who called us to it. I think at times we can get so busy serving God that we lose the closeness and intimacy He longs for us to have with Him. Our relationship with Him suffers when we become too busy serving Him that we no longer have time simply to be with Him.

My heart's prayer is that He would step in and open my eyes anytime I start to veer off course. I do not want my life to be about checking things off the list that I feel I need to do for Him. I want my life to be a work of art that brings glory and honor to my Abba. I want my art to be a visible portrayal of my heart's devotion to the Artist.

*If you'd like to check out some of the blogs I find encouragement from, just click on the links below. Happy reading!

chatting at the sky by Emily P. Freeman

Holley Gerth by Holley Gerth

TimeWarpWife by Darlene Schacht

A Holy Experience by Ann Voskamp 

Good Morning Girls by contributors Angela, Courtney, Jennifer, and Whitney

Women Living Well by Courtney Joseph

Club 31 Women by Lisa Jacobson

If any of my male readers are interested in some blogs written by men (or any of you females know a man looking for some), here are a few I've found while researching different topics for my blog. I'm obviously not a man so I haven't really read through or "vetted" these, but from what I've seen they look like good blogs.

Matthew Jacobson by Matthew Jacobson (who is married to Lisa from Club 31 Women)

Jarrid Wilson by Jarrid Wilson (this link also leads to his wife's, Juli, blog as well)

Striving for Wisdom by Chris Cartwright 

Husband Revolution by several contributors

A case of nervous yawns

I've always had this crazy dream. To some it wouldn't seem so crazy, but to me it's one of those keep-dreaming-girl-it-ain't-ever-gonna-happen type things. You know what I'm talking about, right? Those things that at the mere thought of them your heart races with excitement even though they're so far-fetched you just know a dream is all they'll ever be.

Yeah. It's always been one of those types of dreams. What's mine about? I've always dreamt of being a woman who would speak to crowds of people. I'd have a message to share and people would invite me to come share it at their church, their organization, or maybe even their conference to help and encourage others. It didn't matter where, that part wasn't important to my dream. The part that mattered, the heart of the dream, was simply that I would speak.

Sometimes the dream would look different. One day I may imagine it as me sitting in a room with a group of teenage girls and leading them in a small group setting. Another day it may be me standing on stage in front of hundreds of people sharing my message with them after we have a wonderful time of worship (which was always led by my brother, of course.) Still another day it may just have been me sitting around a camp fire with a small group of people while I share my heart with them.

Why is this so crazy, you ask? There's something you should know about me and then it'll all make sense - while the idea and dream of getting up in front of people and speaking excites me, the reality of it causes me to shake in my boots with fear.

                                   *Photo credit - http://www.curiositiesbydickens.com/the-other-side-of-fear/

I've never been the type of girl who speaks in front of groups regularly or comfortably. I tend to get so nervous that my mind goes blank and I can't remember what I'm supposed to be talking about. I can only stand there and think how the people listening must think I'm an idiot. So I do what I can to avoid it. Because while it might be an exciting dream, it'd be a terrifying reality.

I've been realizing lately that I'm glad God doesn't seek my approval before doing amazing things in my life. If He checked with me first, I'd miss out on so many things because I'd be too scared to accept them. The way He does it, Him calling me to simply trust and obey, this is definitely the best way for it to go. He sees the whole picture, I only see a small piece.

I want to serve my Savior, I want to follow Him wherever He leads. When I was a teenager I printed this Scripture and taped it to my door:  "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?' And I said, 'Here I am. Send me!'" (Isaiah 6:8) So for years, every time I would open or shut my bedroom door, these words would go through my head and resonate in my heart. At times I was scared about where He'd send me, but I still longed to be obedient and go. So with the opening and closing of that door, my heart was reminded to surrender.

                                              *Photo credit - http://www.knowing-jesus.com/isaiah-6-8/

He does some truly crazy things with a life that's surrendered to Him.

I thought my dream of speaking in front of people would always remain only that - a dream. But where I often see a period, God places a comma. Where I see an ending, He makes a beginning. I believe He heard the prayer of my teenage self, He saw the surrender of my heart, and He called me onto a crazy journey.

In 2010, I experienced deep tragedy in my personal life. Through circumstances beyond my control, I ended up moving back home to my parents'. Because of my failing health, I couldn't be on my own and I rarely left the house. My mom and I became like two hermits, me because of my sickness and her because she was taking care of me. I didn't know whether I would live or die, the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.

In the midst of all the sorrow and pain, I felt God calling me to pursue a vision. I didn't know how much longer I'd be on this earth, but I felt like with however much time I had left I had been given a purpose.

I had always loved horses and wanted to share that with young people. I had also felt since the age of 11 that I had been called to work with youth. I thought it would be cool if these two things would coincide, but didn't actually think it would become real. But in the spring of 2011, that's exactly what happened. 

God reached down into the ashes left over from the tragedies of my life, and He created something beautiful through it. Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch was born in one of the most painful and uncertain seasons of my life.

                                                                      *Photo credit - www.melissaflemingdesigns.com

What does Rescued Hearts have to do with my crazy dream of speaking in front of people? Oh don't you worry, I'm gonna tell you right now…

Recently I was invited to attend a meeting at a local organization and give a 30 minute presentation on our ranch. They said to prepare a 15 minute speech and then allow the rest of the time for any questions. With the phone call, I became anxious. "Do what??? I can't get up and speak in front of people!!" I began to freak out like I always do. This was a great opportunity for the ranch though, one I couldn't pass up, so I agreed to go share with the hopes that someone else would do the actual sharing part. Through much discussion and prayer, however, it was decided that I was the one who needed  to be doing the speaking.

I realize I just made that seem like it was an easy decision so let me inform you of something - it wasn't! I tried telling God there were others more suited to the task. I gave Him their names and extolled their strengths in comparison to my weaknesses. I was seeing similarities between Moses and I as I tried convincing God to use someone else… 

"Moses raised another objection to GOD: 'Master, please, I don't talk well. I've never been good with words, neither before nor after you spoke to me. I stutter and stammer." (Exodus 4:10MSG)

And though His words to me were different, the message behind them was the same as the one He gave Moses all those many years ago.

"GOD said, 'And who do you think made the human mouth? And who makes some mute, some deaf, some sighted, some blind? Isn't it I, GOD? So, get going. I'll be right there with you - with your mouth! I'll be right there to teach you what to say.'" (v.11-12)

                                                                                  *Photo found on Pinterest

I believe God was happy with me for being obedient and starting this blog. This was a big thing for me, sharing in this way. Whereas I saw it as a nice and somewhat comfortable plateau, God apparently saw it as a ladder. Funny how that happens, huh? I was fine with talking to others through these written words (because I'm much more comfortable when I have an "erase" button handy) but God was calling me to keep climbing higher. Having my fingers type wasn't enough, He wanted me to use my voice. Period meet Comma.

I did as much preparing as I could. Over the course of a few days, Mom and I wrote a speech. I then practiced it tons of times, tweaked it to flow better, and practiced it some more. The whole time I clung to the Truth that His grace is sufficient for me, it's in my weakness that His strength is revealed (2 Corinthians 12:9). My mom also gave me some encouraging words when she reminded me that this was all laid out by God, there's no way He was going to walk with me to this place and then abandon me. He would be with me every step of the way as I spoke to this group of strangers. 

The evening arrived. There was no more preparing to do. I had done all I could and was left trusting Him to carry me through. I was so nervous that I wasn't breathing correctly and ended up giving myself a serious case of the yawns, I kid you not. That is not something you need when you're supposed to be giving a presentation! I started mentally quoting every Scripture I knew about not needing to fear because Christ is with me and about His peace always being available for me. 

Before I knew it, it was my turn to share. And do you know what? I blanked. Do you know what else? Nobody could even tell. Because of all the preparing and practicing I'd done, my mouth said what it was supposed to without my brain being able to remember it. And do you know the best part? I don't in any way deserve the glory or praise for it - I know that was God keeping His word and being right there with me and with my mouth. 

Through the whole speech I was nervous and positive I was somehow screwing it up. I know when I get nervous I tend to talk too fast, so I was mentally chastising myself to slow down because I was positive I had cut my speech time in half. Good news? I was wrong. All the anxiety and chaos going on inside of me wasn't at all apparent to the listeners. After I was done, I had so many people tell me what a great job I had done and how they couldn't believe this wasn't something I'd done hundreds of times before. My husband recorded it and you really can't tell that I'm internally freaking out. I was shocked!

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." (Ephesians 2:10NLT)

How great is our God! I know He took over for me. There's no way that it was through any awesomeness on my part that my internal crazy wasn't outwardly visible. The only One Who deserves the credit for that is Him. We are so blessed to serve a God Who is both alive and active. He doesn't just sit back and watch as we stumble through this life. He gets right in there with us, every step of the way. Oh yes, we are blessed! We have no need to fear, because we have Him. No matter what comes, nothing is greater than He. We can do whatever it is He calls us to do, because He will equip and prepare us for every step of the journey.

In those moments, in those 15-30 minutes when I was before that group of people sharing the heart of our ranch with them? That was incredible. It was unlike anything I'd every done before. It gave me hope that this is something I can do, go around and speak in front of people. 

                                                                           *Photo credit - web.stagram.com/

It's in those moments, those insane moments, that God took my crazy, far-fetched dream and made it my crazy reality. Nothing is impossible for Him.

A life surrendered to Him, a heart that longs simply to follow Him.

He takes these and makes something beautiful through them.

Our fears, our doubts, and our worries are not greater than Him.

When we get out of His way, He moves in mighty ways.

A prayer prayed in the depths of my teenage heart.

"Here I am, Abba. I'll go for You. Send me."

A reality I never thought would be mine.

A life beyond anything I could have imagined.

I'm so glad God doesn't seek my permission before calling me onward. 

Be encouraged, Friends. If God has set a task before you, if He's calling you to do something beyond your capabilities, rejoice! I'm realizing that it's in these times when His awesome power is greatly revealed. So trust Him and enjoy the ride…

a lesson in True Beauty

I have a confession to make ------ at times, I can be embarrassingly vain.

I've always tried to avoid this cavity in my life. I try not to spend so much time looking at my reflection in a mirror that I fail to look beyond myself to the others around me. I aim to not get so caught up in my outward appearance that I overlook what really matters, what's on the inside of me. 

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:30ESV)

I strive to live a life where I pay more attention to what's going on in the heart of me rather than live a life where I'm ultimately more concerned with what I'm wearing and how I look. I want to be a woman who fears the Lord, not one overly concerned with my charm and beauty.

Before I get too far, let me clarify something - I am not talking about simply making myself look presentable. I am not criticizing the things we do to help ourselves feel pretty on any given day. This is not a call to throw away the makeup and hair products nor to dress in rags. What I'm referring to is spending too much time on outward appearances, obsessing over every detail because we're concerned with others' opinions of us, worrying so much about how we look that our appearance becomes our main focus. 

I'm saying this because that's exactly what I did a couple days ago. I was going somewhere that I knew would lead to having my photo taken and I became obsessed with finding the right outfit. I didn't think about the people I would come into contact with in regards to them as a person, but instead I thought about them in regards of how they'd perceive me.

For a few hours I got completely entangled in thoughts and worries over my outward appearance. It wasn't good enough to look presentable, to look good, I wanted more. How I would achieve it was beyond me, but I was determined to figure it out. My bed began to look like a tornado had hit it due to all the clothes I'd thrown on it. An outfit was tried and then discarded. If it was lucky, it got picked back up for round two. But nothing screamed, "Wear me!!!" Everything was too blah, nothing was striking me as "just right". 

"What am I going to wear? What am I going to wear? What am I going to wear?!?" This annoying phrase was on repeat, it seemed. Then, a whisper broke through the chaos in my brain and some verses in Scripture came to me that I very much needed to be reminded of in my current state of mind.

"So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it." (Colossians 3:12-14MSG)

                                                                          *Photo found on Pinterest

After that much needed reminder from my Savior, I was once again able to think clearly. It didn't matter what outfit I chose because what I was wearing wasn't what was truly important. How I would treat the people I would come into contact with, that was important. If difficulties arose in the process, my reacting out of love instead of anger, that would matter. Being a light in this dark world, being an example of Christ's love no matter what chaos I might encounter, being mindful of what kind of impact I was having on those around me, loving others with a genuine love - these were the things I needed to be focused on. 

So I did my hair, I put on my makeup, and I chose an outfit (an outfit that hadn't even been one of my original choices, no less.) I got ready for my evening with a sense of peace now instead of panic. My heart was once again attuned to what was important. Where I had recently been so frantic to have people see a beautiful me, my focus now was that people would see Beautiful Him when they looked at me instead. I wanted to be seen less so He could be seen more.

It's ridiculous to me now just how much time I spent trying to figure out what to wear to go get my license switched over to my new married name and address. I was way too concerned about finding the perfect outfit for this occasion, it's absurd! I knew they were going to have to take a new picture of me for my license and this led to my silly behavior. Have you gotten your license yet? If so, then you can understand why me being worried about my clothes for this picture is so ludicrous - the picture on your license is only of your head and part of your shoulders. It doesn't matter what you wear because nobody will see it in the picture! 

I'm so thankful for a God who loves me in the midst of my craziness. I'm also sure I provided a few laughs for Him and the angles throughout my fiasco of searching for the perfect outfit. Now, I'm joining them in the laughter because, honestly, I was being pretty weird. You just gotta laugh at your weird sometimes...

It's sad how we, as humans, can get so sidetracked and focused on the wrong things. The importance we at times place on how things look, how we look, is somewhat appalling. It's so easy to get caught up in the lie that what we look like is what matters most. The world is always spouting off at us and shoving images at us about how we're apparently supposed to appear. They get us to spend so much time and money on pursuing their definition of beautiful that we often end up sacrificing the things that truly matter while we lose sight of how beauty is defined by Him.

Perhaps it's time we redirect our gazes inward. For me, my prayer is to be made more aware of what the Lord sees when He gazes upon me rather than be concerned with how I look to the world. I'd much rather appear beautiful before my Savior than appearing attractive to the world.

"The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7NIV)

a little girl's story

She was a little girl who loved life. Her blonde hair shone in the sun as she wallowed in the pleasures of being outdoors, embarking on whatever adventure her young mind came up with. She was so happy at home, so brave in her own little world, though she tended to be shy when interacting in the world outside of her home. She'd often hide behind her mommy or daddy, completely trusting them to protect her from the scary parts of the world. It was accepted and allowed though because she was only a child. Her parents didn't push her to grow up too fast.

                                          *Little me full of innocence and giggles... and pop, apparently :)

She was happy in her part as the youngest of the family. She knew her parents both loved her, her brother was her favorite toy, and her sister was the coolest and smartest girl she knew. Her days were spent playing and being free. Always cared for, always protected, always loved. Her life was good and she was secure in her world… but the little girl had yet to grasp the Truth of the enemy who "prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8NIV) This enemy who comes "to steal and kill and destroy" (John 10:10NLT) her purpose in life, the callings God's placed on her, the life she was created to live. He wants to ruin her peace, her joy, and her trust. He comes to shake the foundation of everything she believes in and leave her timid and afraid, uncertain of whether she's truly wanted or loved at all. He seeks to destroy her. 

One of the worst parts for this little girl would end up being that she didn't even understand when he slipped the lie into her brain and it would be many years before the truth was once again revealed.

                               *My wonderful siblings and I way back when - check out that couch!

                    

She isn't quite sure but looking back now she believes she was around eight years old when it all changed. She had read or heard about a boy who's daddy didn't want him to be born. When this boy's mommy found out she was pregnant, the daddy wanted her to have an abortion because he didn't want the boy, but the mommy refused. She was scared and alone, but she refused to abort her baby. So the little boy was born and his mommy loved him so much! He grew up under the loving care of his mother, allowed to be a child, then a teenager, and now a grown man. He grew up but he did it without a father.

After learning about his story, the little girl began to wonder about how her own parents felt when they found out they were pregnant with her. So she did the most logical thing, she simply asked her mommy. Through that question she learned the story - the story of how her parents were both very happy when they found out about her and that they both wanted her. Her mommy also told her about how she almost didn't come to be. After mommy had her big brother an appointment was made to have mommy's tubes tied which would prevent her from having any more children. When the nurses came in to prep her though she began to cry. Mommy didn't want to have the procedure, she didn't have peace about it, but she felt like she had to have it because it was already scheduled and the doctor would be coming soon. The nurses explained to her that if she wasn't feeling ready for this, she shouldn't do it. That she didn't have to do it, it could be cancelled and it wouldn't be a problem. So mommy didn't go through with it, she didn't have the surgery. And roughly twenty-three months later she gave birth again, this time to the little girl. 

                                                              *Daddy holding me at the hospital <3

It's a good story, this one, of how the little girl came to be. But the enemy took the little girls story and twisted it with the little boys story she'd just learned about and he whispered lies to the little girl. They became jumbled in her brain without her even realizing it. In her story, her mommy being unsure about having her tubes tied turned into her mommy being unsure of whether to have the little girl or not. Where the truth had been that her parents were happy when they found out they were pregnant with her, the lies took it's place and it became that, for a little while, her parents considered aborting her. 

"They already had the perfect family," the lies whispered. "Two kids. A girl and a boy. They didn't need another baby. They didn't want another baby. They were happy when they found out about their oldest two, but they actually had to think about whether they wanted you or not. The thought to not have the other two never even entered their minds, but they actually considered not having you. They didn't always love you. They didn't always want you."

The lies sunk in without the little girls knowledge. Her foundation was shaken without her feeling the tremors. Where her games and adventures had always been filled with good and right, they began to shift. Evil had entered her world, evil had left it's mark. She can tell you now of one specific instant in her childhood that testifies to this fact. She was alone on the trampoline, playing some imaginary thing or other. She doesn't remember what she was playing, but she does remember pretending that the boy from the story, the one whose daddy didn't want him to be born, he was there. Whatever it was, the little girl spoke the lie as if it was true as she told the little boy, "My parents didn't want me either. They had to actually think about whether to keep me or abort me."

As the girl grew she didn't really think about this anymore, she didn't question the lie. She just lived as if it were true, never even realizing what had happened. Never even aware of the shift in her thinking or beliefs. Completely unaware of the impact it was having on her everyday life. Where before she would enter a room without thought, she now would hesitate before taking that step. Her mind was always filled with insecurities about whether people would want her around or not. It followed her everywhere she went - the playground at school, around her house, family functions, church events, youth group, sports teams, etc. She always felt so insecure but she never knew why. 

It was when she was no longer a child but had grown into a young woman that the lies started being reveled. She was struggling with some things and so she sought out a Christian counselor. In one of her sessions they hit upon these insecurities. The counselor told the woman that she was confused because the woman talked about her parents and how much they loved her, about how she grew up in a wonderful home never having to fear abuse or neglect, about how her and her siblings were friends. She told her story of a good childhood full of love and happiness, yet the woman still struggled with feeling unwanted. She was saying she knew her life to be one way, but she felt differently. So the counselor asked the woman to close her eyes, think on her feelings of being unwanted, and see what came to mind. The scene the young woman saw was this:

She was a little girl again on the playground at school. The kids were all running and playing in the sunshine, laughing and having a good time. The girl, however, was in what appeared to be a bubble that the sun couldn't penetrate. She was on the outskirts of the playground and surrounding her was a haze of blue, an overcast of shadows. She was alone and isolated. She could see all her friends having fun with each other, but she wasn't a part of it.

The counselor and young woman talked about the scene, pondered what it meant. The woman began to realize that the truth of how things were and how she perceived them or felt about them were vastly different. She could look back and remember her friends reaching out to her, people wanting her around. She wasn't left alone, she wasn't excluded. She was always included, always accepted. But yet she'd always felt like an outsider, she'd always seen herself as (here's that ugly world again) unwanted. It was a good session, but there was no "AH-HA!" moment for the young woman. Even though she now understood that her vision had always been skewed, no reason was revealed as to why she always felt this way, so insecure about others wanting her around them, so afraid of being rejected. So used to the feelings of being unwanted. No, that revelation wouldn't come until later, in a moment that took her completely by surprise.

It came on a day that was just another ordinary day as the girl stood before her dresser mirror straightening her hair. She doesn't really remember what was going on in her brain when the revelation hit her, but she's pretty sure she was praying. In a split second her ordinary morning contained an extraordinary moment. It was like doors were suddenly thrown open and a room in her mind was illuminated. From one moment to the next, she was aware of everything. The lies the enemy had fed her. The impact it had had on her whole world since she was still just a little girl. The many ways she'd been living in belief of this lie without even being aware of it. One thought revealed it all, a small voice whispering to her, "They never considered aborting you."

                                                                                      *Photo found on Pinterest

With the whisper of truth came such a sense of wonder and delight. I was awash with this feeling of total weightlessness, this taste of true freedom. As I'm sure you've guessed, this is my story. I was that little girl who grew up feeling the suffocating effects of the insecurities caused by the enemy's lies. I grew up with the wonderful parents in a loving home yet still felt unwanted. It was not because of anything my parents ever said or did, there's no memory I can ever recall that would add weight to the lies I was fed by the enemy. The lies that I was unwanted, that my parents had to decide between keeping me or aborting me is just that, lies. When God revealed the truth to me, when my heart and mind were set free from these lies for the first time since before I was eight, I was undone. Tears flowed and my heart rejoiced. I was laughing and crying at the same time, so overcome by this feeling of LIGHT that came with the truth. I had always been wanted. They never questioned what they were going to do about me or with me. They already knew. They were going to have another baby and they were going to love this one as much as they loved their other children. They were happy about me. I was finally seeing that my family wasn't complete without me. My mom didn't have peace about the operation because it wasn't the right time, she didn't have me yet. But after I was born? She had no anxiety or qualms about it at all. I was here now, she was holding me in her arms, and our family of five was complete.

                                                                    *Photo credit - abbey-dukey-lifey.blogspot.com/

I share this part of my story with a prayer that God will use it to encourage someone. Sharing these parts of myself isn't easy, but if it can bring hope to a heart, than the pain on my end is worth it. You are worth it. I don't know your stories, I don't know where you are in life, but He does. I don't know what lies the enemy has fed you and led you to believe, but He does. I don't have the power to rescue you and save you, but He does. I don't have the ability to eradicate the enemy's lies and bring healing to your hearts and minds, but He does. "..greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world." (1 John 4:4KJV)

I've typed and erased so many conclusions to this post. Every one I've tried just feels off, nothing is working for me. It's all gibberish or just doesn't flow. Maybe it's because there isn't an ending yet? This whole post has been about part of my story and perhaps I can't type the right ending simply because my story isn't finished yet. So I'm not going to sit here any longer and try to come up with the right conclusion. I'm going to leave you with a verse that keeps repeating in my brain and stop obsessing over whether I wrapped this all up in a pretty enough bow.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33NIV)

A Call To My Heart

*Photo found on Pinterest

"Be still, my heart"

It's become a colloquialism we use, but mostly in a joking manner. We see a new gadget we want, "Be still, my heart." Someone attractive enters the room, "Be still, my heart!" It's just this thing we say, this phrase we use, these words we speak. Not meaningful words nor wishful words. Just words.

But do we want our hearts to truly be still?

I don't remember what it was that made me think it, but this past week I did - something caused me to mentally say, "Be still, my heart!" Right after thinking that, these other thoughts were thought, "What does that actually mean? Do I really want a still heart?"

As a noun, the word still isn't such a problem for me. 

"Deep silence and calm; stillness. 

Synonyms: quiet, tranquility, peace, serenity"

I'm okay with this definition. I would like my heart to stay calm when storms arise in life. I would enjoy my heart being peaceful in the face of fear. I would love a heart that resembled a tranquil state rather than an offended one. I would be happy to have a serene heart.

But as an adjective? 

"Not moving or making a sound. 

Synonyms: motionless, unmoving, stock-still, immobile, inanimate, stationary"

This definition I am not so okay with in regards to my heart. I do not want a heart that is unmovable, a heart that is stationary. A heart that stays silent in the face of injustices. Oh no, I do not wish to describe my heart in this way at all.

  *Photo found on Etsy

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."(Proverbs 4:23) To me this doesn't sound like a heart that is stock-still. This Scripture does not bring an inanimate object to mind when I read it. "The wellspring of life"  brings to mind the words active and alive, not motionless or transfixed. I prefer the type of heart described in Scripture.

I want a heart that is moved by the happy and the sad, the good and the bad. I want a heart that is purposeful and intentional in it's beating. I want a heart that is pumping blood throughout my veins because, no matter what, life is a gift and it is good to be alive.

I want my heart to race with exhilaration when I'm tasting freedom astride my horse. I want it to leap with joy when I witness a person accept and believe that Jesus Christ died just for them! I want it to be a living conduit for Christ's love to flow through. I want it to be filled with warmth and laughter as I watch my niece and nephews be crazy kids.

*Photo credit - camilalsantos.files.wordpress.com

I want my heart to do the happy dance at the sight of my husband's smile. I hope it always pounds in thrilling anticipation of his arrival home after a day spent apart. I desire it to always remain thankful to be looking into eyes that are full of admiration of me and adoration for me. I yearn for it to sync with his heart and beat alongside it for the rest of our lives.

I pray to have a heart that beats with real humility as I endeavor to obey Scripture and "boast only about the LORD." (2 Corinthians 10:17NLT) I long to have mine seek justice for wrong-doings, but never lose sight of mercy and grace. I wish to have a pure heart before the Lord, one free of bitterness and anger.

I yearn for a heart that breaks for what breaks the Father's. I do not want it to be still when I hear the horrifying stories of humans being trafficked and sold into modern day slavery. I do not wish it to remain unmoved when I look into a face that bears the marks of betrayal, abuse, and devastation. I do not ask it to stay stoic when I'm seeing animals who've been neglected and discarded. I want it to overflow with love for those who others have deemed unlovable.

How can I be all that God's called me to be if my heart remains still? How can I be a light in this dark and broken world if my heart remains immobile? How can I embrace the hurting people if my heart ignores their silent screams? How can I genuinely love if my heart resembles a stone?

*Photo found on Etsy

"Be still, my heart."

It's just another phrase we say without really thinking about it's meaning. This week, however, I did think about it. I pondered it and wondered about it. I considered if I was having a conversation with my heart would, "be still" really be the words I'd wish to say? My conclusion is no. No, those would not be the words that I would let pass through my lips. I'd tell it all the things I've now told you, the readers. 

I'd tell it to embrace each day, to take new journeys, to open up freely. To beat, to pulse, to race, to pound. To break, to heal, to love, to feel. And one thing I'm now certain I'd tell it for sure:

*Photo credit - if-airytales.blogspot.com

My heart, don't you dare be still...

Miracle Musings

Lately, I've been doing some pondering about miracles. These wonderings and wanderings of my mind have been brought on by the fact that I have a birthday coming up. To some, this may seem silly. "A birthday makes you ponder miracles?" Why yes, yes it does. Because when I was twenty-one I laid on an emergency room gurney with the full belief that I was going to die. No more life for me. No more dancing around the kitchen with my dog, no more riding around an arena on my horses. No more hugs and kisses, no more giggles and oh-my-word-I'm-going-to-pee-myself laughter. No more watching my niece grow up, taking trips down memory lane with my sister, or listening to my parents get sillier as time passes. No more growing older, no more dreams of being a mommy, no more discoveries about myself. No more holidays spent surrounded by family, no more excitement of shopping for the right gifts for my loved ones. No more birthday celebrations because no more birthdays for me. No more this, no more that. No more me. 

Maybe now you can understand why the fact that I'm about to celebrate my twenty-fifth birthday leads to my miracle musings.

*My wonderful husband and I on Christmas Eve, 2013

Miracles. Just the word itself is beautiful, but the actual happening of one? Now that is…well, miraculous!

Sadly, in this century and culture, it's really become more of just a word. It's just something we say, like a sentence filler. Our phrases need something encouraging and uplifting, so we throw in the word miracle and let it spruce up it's surrounding words a bit. 

Miracles. We pray for them but sometimes we pray out of obligation, not belief. We mention a miracle in our prayers because that's what we've been taught to do, not understanding what it is we're truly asking for. We ask for a miracle because we're desperate, not because we truly believe we'll receive one. We ask but often expect to be ignored. We don't always do it consciously or intentionally, we've just become so enmeshed in the world's way of seeing things that we've started to forget the powerfulness of our God. 

Miracles. I grew up learning about some pretty amazing ones...

An angel intervened when a man was fed to some lions (Daniel 6)

The King protected three men thrown into a fiery furnace (Daniel 3)

A mere shepherd boy defeated a giant (1 Samuel 17)

A man and his family were saved from a flood (Genesis 5)

God spoke to a man through a burning bush (Exodus 3)

Our whole world was created in seven days (Genesis 1)

Freedom was gained by two prisoners singing praises (Acts 16)

A man hung out in the belly of a fish (Jonah 1&2)

The King gave up His throne to come to us as a baby (Luke 2)

Love hung on a cross so we could be redeemed (John 19)

Death was defeated (Mark 16)

*Photo found on Pinterest  

Miracles. When we read through the Bible we encounter countless occasions where miracles were performed. In the New Testament, we find account after account of Jesus doing miracles. People who had only ever seen black had their eyes opened to the vast beauty that surrounded them. Those who had never been able to even walk began to run and leap, dancing in the street. People who'd been subject to silence could now hear their children's laughter, their friends' hellos, and their loved ones' I love yous. Those who had never been able to let their voices be heard were now speaking and singing, laughing with joy. Even some who had died were brought back to life!

Isn't it sad that when we read through that list, it's like reading through our grocery list? Tomatoes, lettuce, rice, lame leaping, mute speaking, dead living, our Savior saving, bananas, chicken breast, and oh - oreos!!

We've heard the stories so many times that the wonder of it all has worn off. We no longer stand in awe as we should. We're no longer left amazed at the miraculous things He has done nor the ones He's still doing.

The tests that come back clean and leave the doctors baffled

The survivors who walked away from a horrible accident

The soldier who survived having both of his legs blown off

The baby that survived the abortion attempt

They're not always what we'd call big miracles though. Our life is actually full of daily miracles, we're just too complacent to notice them all. We have fallen asleep amidst God's wonders and it's time we wake up and again recognize His power.

A baby being formed in its mother's womb.

Fingers and toes, arms and legs, lungs and a heart, kidneys and a brain… 

God-written love stories

The neigh of a horse, the chirp of a bird, the bark of a dog…

The changing of the seasons - each snowflake, every leaf, all the raindrops and rainbows

The crops swaying in the breeze as they grow in the fields

Thunder rumbling

Lightening flashing

Sun shining

Moon beaming

Dancers dancing

Singers singing

Artists creating

Mothers loving

Fathers protecting

Babies giggling

Children growing

Our Savior still saving

Miracles. For the past four years I've become much more aware of the miracles in my life. He used the aforementioned ER experience to help open my eyes and make me more attuned to my daily miracles, both big and small. From walking out of every emergency room I end up in to walking outside to feed the horses. From coming out of the severe attacks to waking up to a new day. My siblings and I liking each other (that's rare in this day and age.) My parents who've always been able to look past the sickness and just see me. A husband who adores me and holds my hand through every day we encounter. Being able to eat more than just potatoes (that's another story in itself.) 

 *Photo found on Pinterest

Life is full of miracles. It's up to us to open our eyes and see them. God hasn't stopped performing them, we've stopped recognizing them. Heavens ears are open and our prayers are being heard. So go ahead and ask for those miracles you so desperately need, confident in the knowledge that your Father is listening. Just don't get so caught up in the asking that you fail to see the miracles He's already given you…

Grace bestowed

Mercy extended

Sins erased

Forgiveness given

Redemption rendered

And let us never forget - 

Our Savior Who's still saving

"Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'" - Matthew 19:26NIV