{ where are you? }

I went down to the altar to meet You, but You didn't seem to be there.

I tried to see You amidst the crowd of Your followers, but I couldn’t find You.

I let one of Your children pray for me anyway.

And then I walked back to my seat, wrestling with disappointment and frustration.

I wondered why I even bothered going down in the first place.

The outcome wasn’t a surprise.

I still wasn’t healed.

Why, God? Where are You?

A man who loves You asked us to be still.

To make ourselves open to encountering You.

We asked You questions and awaited Your response.

Oh. There You are, Jesus…

*Photo found on Pinterest

              ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Above is a jumbled mess of thoughts I experienced while at a concert earlier this year.

During the event, Big Daddy Weave’s lead singer, Mike Weaver, lead us through an encounter with Jesus. In doing this, he had us think of two specific moments in our lives - 1) a moment when we felt joyful and 2) a moment when we felt despair. He then encouraged us to ask Jesus where He was in those times.

To explain the second moment for me, the bleak moment in my life that was dark and hard, I need to first give a little back story for those who may not already know this about me.

In 2010, I became extremely ill. Over the course of a couple months, my life got flipped upside down: my diet dwindled drastically, my pain increased tremendously, and I dropped 40lbs which really freaked me out. None of the doctors I saw knew what was going on and, frustratingly, they didn’t seem to take my issues seriously. They just kept trying different meds to mask the symptoms rather than discover and fix the problem. I was often left feeling like I was merely a nuisance to them.

One of the medicines they decided to try was to be taken right before bedtime. So I followed the doctor’s orders, took my first pill, and went to sleep. In the middle of the night, I was awoken by pain the likes of which I can’t adequately describe. In short, I felt like a hole had been punched in my chest cavity and my insides were ripped out, leaving behind a gaping chasm of fiery lava. 

Mom called 911 and I was rushed to the ER via ambulance. The doctor there kept asking me what I had taken, telling me he couldn’t help me until he knew what was already in my system. I kept replying that I only took the doctor prescribed pill and begging him to help me, but he was convinced there was something else I had taken - too many sleeping pills or some sort of recreational drug and/or illegal substance. 

As I lay in the emergency room cubicle, I was 100% certain I was about to die. Me: dead at 21. I knew the doctor wasn’t going to be able to stop the pain in time and that my heart wasn’t going to withstand much more. And because of the severe pain that I was in, I was okay with it. As I laid there, I prayed what I now call my goodbye prayer. I told Jesus that I was ready to be with Him - if it meant I’d be free of the pain, then I was ready to die. I very clearly remember asking Him to give Mom the strength to walk out of the hospital without me and to comfort her as she made the call to my dad and siblings, letting them know I was gone.

I knew I was going to die. I don’t say that for dramatic effect. No, I was fully certain that there was about to be an Andi-shaped hole in my family’s world.

That moment, laying on that gurney in the icky hospital room in Arkansas - that’s the moment that came to mind when Mike told us to think of a bad day.

My immediate follow-up thought was, “What am I doing back here, God? We’ve already talked about this day. Aren’t we done with it?” I then tried bringing a different moment to mind, but that darn day wouldn’t make room for any other to form in my head. 

So when prompted, I said, “Okay, Jesus… where were You?”

And y’all, what I saw… oh boy.

I was there - laying on that gurney and writhing in agony. The doctor was on my right side, questioning me over and over. And in reality, it was Mom on my left side, holding my hand - in the vision I saw Jesus there instead. He was bending over me with His left hand resting on and covering the burning hole in my chest. And He was weeping over me.

Not polite, silent tears. Weeping.

To see Him so moved by my pain that it brought Him to tears ministered to my heart and my faith in huge ways that night.

By seeing that vision, He opened my eyes and gave me a realization that I had unknowingly been living with the belief that Jesus is sorta indifferent to my pain. Not that He doesn’t care that I’m in pain and not that He doesn’t love me, but because He knows the end of the story, He’s not really affected by the moments leading up to it. He knows the exact moment that my healing will manifest, whereas I’m left in the waiting of Unknown. 

In reflecting on the experience and pondering what God revealed, this is my conclusion: a part of how I came to believe Him indifferent to my pain stems from how I’ve felt at times after people have prayed for me. There are times I’ve left a prayer service feeling condemned and as if it’s my fault that I’m this way. There are times I’ve walked away with a confused heart, not understanding why my mustard seed faith wasn’t good enough. And there are many times that I feel guilty and like I’ve let the dear ones praying for me down when they say amen and I’m still not fully healed. Somewhere in the midst of all that, the enemy planted the little seed that I unintentionally nourished - because surely He must feel indifferent, otherwise He’d have been moved to heal me by now… right? {Thank You, Father, that You tear down lies and reveal Truth!}

I needed that moment with Jesus. I needed to see His tears on my behalf. 

First, because it brought to light a lie that I was unaware of, allowing me to repent of it and to break its hold on me. Second, because we’re once again searching for answers amongst the medical field, fighting to have more tests run and refusing to settle for “everything’s normal” and “you’re fine”. This all makes me super nervous ‘cause the tests tend to bring me more pain than I’m already in. 

He knows exactly what I need for the days ahead. And because He can be no less than good, He gave me that moment at the beginning of this journey to encourage me and strengthen me.

*Photo found on Pinterest

Wherever you are, Friends, I believe He’s right there with you and that He wants to do the same for you. I believe He longs to meet with you and that He desires to minister to your hearts. I encourage you to find a moment today and just be still. Shut out the distractions of the room and let your mind go silent for a short bit. Close your eyes and focus on Him.

There in the silence, when it's just you and Him - think of a good day. A moment in your life when you felt pure joy, a moment that was made for happiness. Do you see it? 

While the memory plays out behind your eyelids, ask Him: Jesus, where were you?

Do you see Him? If you can’t see Him, do you sense Him? He's there...

Now, let the opposite moment come to mind - think of the bad day. The day when the hurt came, the moment when your world was flipped upside down. Let that moment fully form in your head. Do you see it? 

Once you have that moment in mind, ask Him again: Jesus, where were You?

Do you see Him? If you can’t see Him, do you sense Him?

I pray today is a day where you encounter Him, Friends. And that you find Him in all of your tomorrows.

                    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Thank You, Jesus, that You are a Friend Who delights in our happy moments. Thank You that You dance with us in the sunshine and find joy in the beauty of our laughter. And I thank You, Jesus, that You are our ever present help in times of trouble. That You are our faithful comfort and strength. I thank You that You do not shy away from our hard times, nor are You scared of our pain. You enter into it with us, You endure it by our side. You are good and kind when life seems anything but. I thank You for showing up to minister to our hearts, for meeting each of us right where we’re at. I give You praise and glory for Who You are and for all You do for us. May we continue to encounter You in our daily lives, knowing that You are with us every step of the way, the good days and the not-so-good ones too. We love you, Abba. Amen <3

Enduring Faith {part 3}

It’s so easy to get wrapped up in our daily lives, isn’t it?

There are groceries to buy. Laundry to do. Gas tanks to fill.

Another work day to get through. A friend-date to look forward to. A kids program to attend.

The floor needs sweeping, the dishes need washing, and *gag* the toilet needs scrubbing.

We accomplish one thing only to accumulate three more, it seems! It’s never-ending, this to-do list of life. They’re not bad things {although I’m not sure I’d label toilet scrubbing under “good”} just time-consuming.

Or maybe it’s more accurate to call them mind-consuming…

Growing up, I was taught that this world is temporary and should never be my focus, but to instead keep my eyes on Him and the things that hold eternal value. To not get bogged down in the stuff that will one day fade away.

The insatiable hunger, achy joints, and muscle fatigue.
The anxiety over being anxious.
The stabbing abdominal sensations.

The questions: why? when? will it ever...?

Over the past year, I went deeper into being eternity-focused through time spent worshipping to Kim Walker-Smith’s, “Throne Room”. 

“I fall on my face with angels and saints 

and all I can say is ‘holy, holy, holy are You, God!’ 

My heart can’t contain the weight of Your name 

and all I can say is ‘holy, holy, holy are You!’”

Those lyrics became an anthem of sorts for me. I started picturing myself there - running into God’s throne room and falling prostrate before Him. Beholding His majesty, His beauty, His countenance; and being left only able to claim His holiness.

Can you picture it? Can you see yourself there, worshipping the King?

I found myself really moved and challenged by these lyrics. They stirred up a hunger in me - a desire to remain in a posture of exalting Him no matter what's happening around or within me. And I think that’s what changed my perspective during that painful first week of December. My heart had been tuned to the eternal, so the temporary pain didn’t feel so big.

When our gaze is fixed on the eternal, the temporal begins losing its grasp on us.

*Grace upon grace

All my fear falls away

Only Your perfect love 

for me remains

Instead of fretting about this illness, being scared I wouldn’t come out of the attack, and worried about its lasting effects - I had peace. 

I had pain. And nausea. I woke up in panic attacks, scrambling for JRB to help me. But even in the midst of all that, there was this eternal peace. My spirit was at rest.

It was {and is} well with my soul.

Because of these things God’s been revealing to me, these Truths that He’s planting deep within me and lovingly tending, I am at peace. I am confident of His goodness and His faithfulness towards me. 

Whether or not He takes this physical pain away, I will continue to trust Him.
Whether I’m ever healed on earth or not, I will gladly follow Him.

For He is holy. Oh, so holy.

        

         -       -       -       -       -       -       -       -       -       -       -       -       -       -       -       -       -       

When I began this series, it took me a while to decide on what to title it. I asked for opinions, I thought through different options, I talked to Jesus about my ideas. And in the process, one name was highlighted: Enduring Faith. 

Because that’s the kind of faith I want.

A faith that stands strong under the weight of all life brings. 

A faith that does not flee in the face of the enemy’s taunts and attacks. 

A faith that attracts others into His Presence and Love.

A faith that continues when the world says quit; 

perseveres when the world pushes in; 

remains when others flee.

A faith that beautifully endures.

Read Enduring Faith {part 1} and Enduring Faith {part 2} for the rest of the story!

All lines preceded by an asterisk (*) are lyrics from "Throne Room".

Enduring Faith {part 2}

Hope. A confident expectation of things to come.

Photo found on Pinterest

*Get your hopes up

Lift your head up

Let your faith arise

Get your hopes up

Our God is for us

He’s brought us back to life

With all the medical testing and procedures done to me over the years, all coming back with the same results stating that I’m fine; with the chronic attacks continuing to happen with no end in sight - - - I’ve struggled to hold onto hope when it all looks so bleak. 

I remember one day in the summer of 2016 standing at our kitchen island with JRB, weary from the long recovery from the latest attack. I was feeling completely wrung out - physically, emotionally, spiritually. I had yet another test coming up, though, and my husband was trying to encourage me to think positively, to entertain the possibility that this test may finally lead us to an answer; to not give up hope.

I very clearly recall looking into his eyes while feeling so bleak and telling him, “You’ll have to hope for the both of us because I just can’t. I don’t want to anymore. Hope hurts.”

{If you’d like to read more about the events leading up to that conversation, see my post, “Another Year Older”}

Allow me a moment to offer a bit of clarification to ensure no misunderstandings here - - -

It was not my Hope in Jesus that was causing me pain; it was hoping for {anticipating} a change in the physical realm through the medical professionals that kept going unfulfilled that was hurting me.

I envision it like this: my hope is a boat. Just a normal, everyday-use type boat. Nothing to brag about. And it’s a boat that’s about to face some bad weather…

The sky starts to darken as a storm rolls in. I start to get nervous as I realize that my boat can’t outrun or escape this storm, but rather I’ll have to drop anchor and pray that it (and I) are still intact when the weather passes.

The storm hits. The winds howl and the rains crash down: the waves rise and fall, sending my boat careening one way and then crashing back in the other direction. Smooth sailing this is not.

Despite what’s raging on the surface, though, the anchor holds. Though the ship is battered, the anchor holds. 

*b I have fallen on my knees

as I face the raging seas

The anchor holds

in spite of the storm

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Photo found on Pinterest

*I see the sun waking up the morning

reviving dreams

I feel the wind on my back with promise

reminding me - - -

For the past few years, I’ve been receiving prophetic words about being given permission to dream, being encouraged to dream, and to dream bigger than I ever have before.

I’ve taken these words to heart, meditated on and prayed over them, and asked God to help me discover what my dreams are. What is it that I long to see happen?

To write more. To encourage more readers through sharing my story.

Counseling teenage girls. On life, love, and doing it all God’s way {cause it’s the best way!}

Being a mom. Loving all the Littles God brings us as we raise them to know Him.

Being healthy. To no longer live life hindered by this unknown illness.

I’m dreaming more. I’m dreaming bigger. And yet… I find myself hesitant to believe these dreams won’t always stay a mere dream, but rather become my reality.

Confession: I tend to live life with a “don’t plan on the best happening so you won’t be disappointed when it doesn’t” type mentality. *Cringe*

I had begun dreaming, but I was struggling to attach hope to these dreams.

And then. God spoke to me.

One Sunday, as I was imagining someday seeing my own Littles playing with the other kids at church, our worship team began to play the chorus I shared at the beginning of this post. I heard God whisper to me in that moment, “You’re doing the dreaming, now you need to do the believing. Get your hopes up ‘cause I won’t disappoint you.”

With His words, I was prompted to begin a learning journey of how to hope. 

Even in the bad times, on the hard days, when the future appears bleak. When all the dreams seem impossible and my mind is filled with doubts. I am learning to hope even then.

*There’s a garment of praise for heaviness

There’s a new song burning inside my chest

I’m living in the goodness that He brings

No matter what lies ahead, I won't despair [even if this pain doesn’t pass] but rather remain hopeful knowing my Heavenly Cure has been procured. When this body grows weary from the chronic storms of life, it will remain well with my soul for Hope is its Anchor [Hebrews 6:19].

Photo found on Pinterest

Friends, if your hope-boat is springing leaks in the midst of life’s storms, I pray you find peace in knowing the Anchor is not affected by the gales.

~ Coming soon: Enduring Faith {part 3} ~ Reading part 1 offers helpful backstory to parts 2&3

{All lines preceded by an asterisk (*) symbol are lyrics from Josh Baldwin’s, “Get Your Hopes Up”. Lines preceded by *b are lyrics from Ray Boltz’s, “The Anchor Holds”}

Enduring Faith {part 1}

Hello again, Friends, & Happy New Year!

I'm excited to start this year with a new experience: writing a 3 part series - I've never done a series before so yay for new adventures! 

As always, I pray you find hope and encouragement nestled somewhere within these words.

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The Story

On Sunday, December 4th, 2017, I had a severe health attack. An “attack” takes my daily pain and nausea levels to such extreme heights that ER trips become required. Knowing this, I reached out for prayer through Facebook and people responded. I fully believe it was because of their petitions on my behalf that I was saved from needing to be rushed to the hospital that week. Thank You, Jesus!

It was still a really hard week, though. I wasn’t able to eat which caused me to lose weight, scarily bringing me under 90lbs. I became super weak, necessitating JRB to carry me around our home. Because of all this and more, I wasn’t left alone for any extended periods of time because it wasn’t safe for me to be on my own.

Here I am today - almost a full month later - still struggling with higher levels of pain and nausea. My pain is still so intense that I’m frequently missing out on life stuff because of it. It’s hard. And frustrating. I’m so.very.ready to be back to my normal…

Usually, when these attacks happen I struggle to stay positive. It’s easy to get depressed in these times because 1) there’s no apparent end in sight for me and 2) chronic illnesses can be very lonely and isolating because, despite people trying to understand or thinking they can relate, no one truly gets what I’m going through every single day. 

This time was different, though. Despite how bad I got physically, I didn’t sink into a funk from the weeks of unending pain and tears.

And I began to question why. What was so different this time that, while physically I got weak and drained, emotionally and spiritually I stayed above it? I began asking God to reveal to me what had changed and He reminded me of three things:

1) The impact from Kim Walker-Smith’s song, “Throne Room”

2) What He whispered to me after hearing “Get Your Hopes Up” by Josh Baldwin

3) A dream I had on September 12th, 2017

Normally, I complete a list in order but for this, I’m giving myself the freedom to do it differently - which means I’m starting at the end. Ah, the perks of being the writer...

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Dream:

I woke up that Tuesday morning at 4:45am from a very vivid dream. I immediately felt like God was prompting me to get up and record the dream so I wouldn't forget it. I'd never experienced that feeling before so I paid attention and did it.

A group of women were out exploring and came upon an unnaturally wide canyon, one they needed to cross. The path down to the water was not going to be easy - it was filled with deep pits and piles of huge branches they’d have to navigate around and through. It wouldn’t be a smooth journey, but it was the only way forward. 

Everything was fine and calm as they began the journey when, suddenly, a wall of fire appeared behind them. Whereas the group had been moving at a leisurely pace, they were now scrambling in panic. They started to run, moving as fast as they could despite the obstacles. 

My viewpoint then changed to ahead of the group and I saw that not only did they need to cross over the water somehow, but they would then need to find a way to climb high up the other side of the deep canyon. There was no formed route prepared for them.

At this point, I heard one woman exclaim, “Wow! Look at her - it’s like she’s not even sinking… it’s like the waves are helping her!” One woman had reached the water before the rest of her friends and she was laughing with her arms stretched out to her sides. 

And she was running across the water. 

I noticed that, instead of the waves rushing towards shore like normal, they were actually going the opposite way and carrying her across. The further she ran, the higher the waves went as if their sole purpose was getting her safely to the other side. 

This woman had such faith that she wasn’t going to sink that she never even hesitated in running towards the water. She simply believed. When her friends saw what was happening, her faith became contagious and they began to believe that they could do it too.

And so they ran towards the waves by faith.

As each woman reached the water, the waves begin to meet them individually. The waves carried them safely to their destination as the women kept moving forward in faith. 

They didn’t sink. They didn’t even get wet. They simply kept running, laughing and filled with joy. And I heard this song:

 I run across the waves

 I run across the waves

 I run across the waves

By Your grace

 I dance atop the waves

 I dance atop the waves

 I dance atop the waves

By Your grace

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Friends, I believe this was a prophetic dream because that’s exactly what I did during my latest health attack. 

I ran across the waves of despair, smiling. 

I ran across the waves of pain, hoping. 

I ran across the waves of hopelessness, believing. 

I ran across the waves…by His grace.

And I danced with the knowledge that I am wholly loved.

For me, this dream paints a beautiful portrayal of this adventure we call Life. The women had many obstacles to navigate to get to their ultimate destination; we all face similar impediments on our journey to ours as well. We face times when, one moment we’re moving along calmly and, in the next, we’re sent running from a fire that seemingly came out of nowhere. In our panic, we may look ahead, see a huge hurdle that we have no way of crossing, and become hopeless and filled with dread.

And that’s when we must choose. 

Do we stop moving forward and let the trials consume us in their flames…

 or do we confidently race toward the water, trusting that our God will provide

a safe way across?

Others are watching us, waiting to see which choice we will make. Friends walking alongside us, strangers following behind. Little and still innocent eyes. Older and knowing eyes. Hurting and seeking eyes. The world is searching for something {for Someone} that they don't know how to find. Might we be what reveals the Way?

I don't know about you, but I want to be a woman of such contagious faith that it inspires others to run full out towards the waves...

Whatever you may be going through, Friends, I know my God can help you run across the waves of life. That by His grace you can stay aloft and dry, despite the raging storm waters around you.

So my prayer is that you’re able to focus on God and see His goodness in the midst of your trial. That you can hold onto hope in the midst of the struggle. And that you run, with arms stretched wide and a smile on your face, racing across the waves in faith. 

Because He is with you and He is for you… so it’s all going to be okay.



*Coming soon: Enduring Faith {part 2} and Enduring Faith {part 3}!*

*~ this I know ~*

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

The truth is, there is a lot I don’t know.

  

I don’t know how to make homemade bread.

Or how to always tell the plants apart from the weeds.

I don’t know how to change the oil in my car.

Or how to get that pesky stain out of my husband’s shirt.

I don’t know how to fly a plane.

Or how to paint anything resembling art.

I don’t know much about the legal system.

Or how to understand the game of football.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  

I don’t know why one person will receive a miraculous healing, 

yet another still daily battles their sickness.

I don’t know why one of my friends gave birth to a beautiful baby, 

while another is enduring the heartbreak of a miscarriage.

I don’t know why there are women who get pregnant easily

and others who are desperate for the babies they’re unable to conceive.

I don’t know why some people get to walk out of the hospital

and others spend their final days surrounded by those sterile walls.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  

I don’t know how Jonah felt when he was stuck in the whale’s stomach.

Or how Joseph felt when he again saw the brothers who’d betrayed him years ago.

I don’t know how Ruth felt when she was traveling into the unknown beside Naomi.

Or how Esther felt about being raised up “for such a time as this”.

I don’t know how Paul felt each time he was beaten for the cause of Christ.

Or how Judas could betray the One Who called him Friend.

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I don’t know why you’re still hurting.

Or why your heartbreak hasn’t been healed.

I don’t know why your marriage fell apart.

Or why your child no longer speaks to you.

I don’t know why your friends turned their backs on you.

Or why it feels like the whole world is against you.

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See? I told you there’s a lot I don’t know.

But the reason I'm writing this post
is to tell you about one thing I do know.
It's a Truth I learned as a child.

I cling to it when my world feels chaotic.
I hold onto it when I just don't understand.

I learned it as a children’s song.
*There's a really good chance that you did too.*
But I think on our journey of growing up,
the "children's song" label became a hindrance,
causing us to forget that the Truth of it
is for us as adults too.

And in pondering the intricacies 

and solving the mysteries;

discussing the theology 

and studying the validity

we lose sight of the beauty

found in its simplicity:

Jesus loves me this I know,

for the Bible tells me so.

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Because of that Truth, I have a choice.
Because of that Truth, so do you...

We can choose trust over doubt,

and faith over worry.

Choose to believe in His plans

even when they don’t make sense.

We can choose to be okay with the I-don’t-know’s

because we know the One Who always knows.

We can choose to be at peace in every situation,

trusting that our God is good, all the time.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

This I know,

Jesus. Loves. Me.

&

This I know, Friends -

 Jesus. Loves. You. <3

{but if not}

Are you familiar with the Bible story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego? {Daniel chapter 3} These three men were Jews whose homeland was conquered, resulting in them being taken as captives to Babylon. The Lord was still looking after them, though, and placed them in service of the king, which later led to other promotions.

As so often happens, others became jealous of Rach, Shach, and Benny, causing them to seek out ways to get rid of the Jews. They convinced the king to have an image of gold set up and a decree proclaimed that “..as soon as you hear..all kinds of music, you must fall down and worship the image of gold.. Whoever does not.. will immediately be thrown into a blazing furnace.” (v.4-6NIV)

Rach, Shach, and Benny were among those who were summoned to assemble for the dedication of this new statue. When the music sounded and the crowd around them bowed, these three Jews remained on their feet, resulting in them being brought before King Nebuchadnezzar for questioning. He asked them, “Is it true.. that you do not serve my gods or worship the image of gold I have set up?.. But if you do not worship it, you will immediately be thrown into a blazing furnace. Then what god will be able to rescue you from my hand?” (v.14-15)

Their response is pretty inspiring - “.. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it.. But even if he does not, we want you to know.. we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” (v.16-18) In King Nebby’s anger, he ordered the furnace to be fired up seven.times.hotter and the Jews to be bound and thrown in. At that point, the furnace was so hot that the men who threw Rach, Shach, and Benny into it were killed from the extreme heat.

King Nebby suddenly jumped to his feet and cried out in amazement,  “..I see four men walking around in the fire..and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.” (v.25) He then called for the Jews to come out of the fire and when they walked out unharmed {their hair wasn’t singed, they had no burns upon their skin, their clothes weren’t scorched, and they didn’t even smell like smoke} he gave praise to the God of Rach, Shach, and Benny, “who had sent his angel and rescued his servants.” (v.28) 

I’ve always loved this particular Bible story. When I read about the three Jews refusing to bow to the statue and about God's subsequent display of power when He rescued them, I get goosebumps. I wonder - were their knees shaking, their palms sweating, or their hearts pounding as they stood there among the kneeling crowd...?

There are so many good things we can pull from this story, but for today my heart is captured by and focused on one small phrase found in the Jews’ response to the king:

But if not {paraphrased}

Those few words pack a mighty punch and are quite a powerful example to us. We all face dark days that present us with the choice to either bow to the pressures of this life or to stand with faith despite the hard times. When it’s our turn to choose, what might it look like if we responded like Rach, Shach, and Benny?

I know my God is able to fill my barren womb, but if He does not, I will not bow to discontentment nor kneel before despair.

I know my God is able to remove my financial strains, but even if He doesn’t, I will not serve dishonesty nor entertain the character of cheating.

I know my God is able to heal me of all sickness, but if not, I will not prostrate myself before the idol of anger nor will I fix my eyes on the figure of hopelessness or tune my ears to the voice of doubt.

We know that anything we place higher than God becomes an idol, a false god. Whether it be time, money, an emotion, etc. When it becomes our main priority, when that's where our eyes are focused and what our energy is geared towards, that's when we place it in a position that belongs solely to the Lord. So the idols we build today aren't always constructed of material things, but sometimes from the worth and the power we bestow them in our minds.

Before we're able to confidently respond like those three Jewish men when it was their time to choose, Dear Ones, perhaps we must first ask ourselves an important question:
is our love for God and our faith in Him dependent on how He answers our prayers...?

When the hard times come and the days are filled with clouds and rain, it's how we respond that denotes our choice. Do we push through the emotions and hold tight to Truth or do we bow to the negative thoughts and feelings that the enemy swarms us with? I know too often I've allowed myself to reside within the latter category.

Through those times that I've chosen unwisely, I've discovered a truly beautiful and amazing thing about God - when we find ourselves on the ground and already bowing low despite knowing we shouldn't, wanting to stand but with no strength to do so, He reaches down with tender mercy and gently pulls us back up to our feet.

Simply because He loves us.

I don’t know what your situation is, Friend. I don’t know what idols have been placed before you with demands that you bow. What I do know is this - I’m rooting for you. If you're like me, then you don’t want a wishy-washy faith that falls apart when faced with the trials this life brings. I pray that when it’s your time to choose {and if you find yourself with shaking knees, clammy hands, and a pounding heart} your feet will stay firmly planted and your mouth will confidently proclaim... 

but if not, I will.not.bow.

< Artist at Work >

It happened on Tuesday, February 28th, 2017. The day started out innocently enough, lulling me into a false sense of security. My morning was fine and I was happy. After I sat down to eat lunch, though, the day took a drastic turn. I began having horrible abdominal pain that kept increasing in intensity rather than easing up. I took a pain pill, got my heating pad in place, and summoned my husband home from work. Usually, I can handle the pain on my own, but this time I knew it wasn’t safe for me to be alone.

My medication and heating pad seemed useless, neither being able to bring my pain levels down. Instead, everything just kept getting worse. I’m so thankful JRB was there to care for me because when I suddenly went spiraling into a panic attack, it was him who held me and pulled me back from the black hole. When I simply couldn’t take the pain any longer, he called my momma and they rushed me to the ER at midnight [and that’s the reason we chose to be my parents’ neighbors.]

*Heartbreak’s a bitter sound

Know it well, it’s ringing in my ears

And I can’t understand

Why I’m not fixed by now

Begged and I have pleaded

Take this pain, but I’m still bleeding*

At times I feel ill-equipped to endure this constant battle. After these attacks, I’m left with a body that feels like it’s taken numerous punches and kicks without any defensive padding. My insides feel bruised and tender, while my outsides look gaunt and strained. It can take weeks for my body to bounce back to its normal {which is in a zip code far, far away from a healthy person’s.}

It’s at these times that I often find myself returning to God with my questions of “why is this happening?” and “will it ever be over?” These are the times when I simply don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know what all God is doing, so it’s in moments like these that I must rely on faith and trust. I have to hold tight to His promise that He knows His plans for me and that He’s working all this out for good.  

If you’ve read more of my blog than just this one post, then I’m sure you’re aware that I have a chronic illness. You also probably know that we have absolutely no idea why I’m sick or what causes me to go into my attacks. I’ll now let you in on the knowledge that nothing has changed in that regard. While God has answered my prayers for peace and joy in the midst of all this, I’m still in the waiting for my full healing.

*Heart trusts You for certain

Head says it’s not working*

When I purchased Danny Gokey’s new album and heard the song, “Masterpiece” for the first time I had to put it on repeat. I listened to that song over and over, just standing in place and marveling at the message within the lyrics. The pure beauty of it brought tears to my eyes. I was so touched by the image the song crafted in my head, the idea that I am a masterpiece of God. Just - wow…

Have you ever watched an artist at work? No matter what medium or matter they’re using, they take something so ordinary and plain, turning it into this thing of beauty when they’re done. Sometimes it’s a long and grueling process involving lots of sweat and tears. The artist pours their heart and soul into their artwork, leaving a touch of themselves behind in each thing they craft. It’s truly inspiring to watch them work. 

Where there was once nothing worth noticing, they create and leave behind something that inspires wonder and awe.

The lyrics to this song of Mr. Gokey’s gave me a visual of that. Of the Great Artist with His crafting tools, molding and shaping His creation into a bearer of His great beauty. Removing the flaws, smoothing out the rough edges, repairing any smudged areas. I just have this image of myself standing in front of Him while He paints on me with a smile on His face. And I wonder…

Is this illness merely a vibrant red, put there to draw the eye to the masterful hands that painted it? Are these trials just shades of blue and green, specifically placed to inspire the viewer to seek out the Artist? Perhaps the things that cause me to question Him are vibrant strokes of purples and teals that are designed to lead to a deeper understanding of the One Who wielded the paintbrush. Maybe, just maybe, I’ve been looking at this all wrong…

*You’re making a masterpiece

You’re shaping the soul in me

You’re moving where I can’t see

And all I am is in Your hands

You’re taking me all apart

Like it was Your plan from the start

To finish Your work of art for all to see

You’re making a masterpiece*

I don’t know about you, Friends, but I want that. I want to be viewed as a beautiful work of art, one that showcases the Artist’s brilliance from every angle. I want my life to bear His signature so that all who see me will know Who created me. I want to be painted in mercy’s hue, with grace and humility’s colors mixing in. I want bold splashes of kindness, honor, patience, and respect to exist on me. I want Him to paint with strokes of generosity and honesty. I want every layer and every stroke to be sealed with the vibrancy of Love.

I don’t know how the rest of my story will play out. I don’t know what the Artist will do next, what process He’ll take me through to make me an even better work of Him. The artwork doesn’t question the artist, though, it merely sits and allows the artist free reign to do with it as they will. I want to be a creation who does the same - peacefully rests and trusts the process as the Creator does His thing.

*Guess I’m Your canvas

Beautiful black and blue

Painted in mercy’s hue

I don’t see past this, but You see me now

Who I’ll be then there at the end

Standing there as Your masterpiece*

Bonus Bit - On the Friday after the Tuesday attack, I went to Ohio for a Casting Crowns, Danny Gokey, and Unspoken concert. I went in faith, praying I wouldn't relapse while gone. By the time Friday came, I hadn't eaten anything besides a couple of bananas since Tuesday at noon, so I was extremely weak. Also, my torso was screaming at me the whole trip, sending intense shots of pain on top of the steady throbbing I was already experiencing. Despite all that, though,  the concert was amazing and I'm so thankful I got to go. At the end of the night, God crazy blessed me when He maneuvered me into a place where Danny Gokey walked right up to my parents, husband, and I. Can you tell by this picture how insanely excited I was?! Danny's music has had a huge impact on my life, encouraging me in the times when I really struggle with my chronic illness. I'm pretty sure I could write an individual post for each of his songs (so keep your eyes peeled, more will be coming *wink wink*). Meeting him after the horrible week I had.. I call it a God-kiss. A way that God showed me how much He loves me, blessing me in the midst of the struggle.

So, Mr. Gokey, if ever you should somehow come across this post - thank you. For using your gifts and talents to honor Him and bring glory to His name. And for breaking the rules and taking this picture with me :) God bless!

*All areas surrounded by asterisks (*) are lyrics from Danny Gokey's song, "Masterpiece"