{ where are you? }

I went down to the altar to meet You, but You didn't seem to be there.

I tried to see You amidst the crowd of Your followers, but I couldn’t find You.

I let one of Your children pray for me anyway.

And then I walked back to my seat, wrestling with disappointment and frustration.

I wondered why I even bothered going down in the first place.

The outcome wasn’t a surprise.

I still wasn’t healed.

Why, God? Where are You?

A man who loves You asked us to be still.

To make ourselves open to encountering You.

We asked You questions and awaited Your response.

Oh. There You are, Jesus…

*Photo found on Pinterest

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Above is a jumbled mess of thoughts I experienced while at a concert earlier this year.

During the event, Big Daddy Weave’s lead singer, Mike Weaver, lead us through an encounter with Jesus. In doing this, he had us think of two specific moments in our lives - 1) a moment when we felt joyful and 2) a moment when we felt despair. He then encouraged us to ask Jesus where He was in those times.

To explain the second moment for me, the bleak moment in my life that was dark and hard, I need to first give a little back story for those who may not already know this about me.

In 2010, I became extremely ill. Over the course of a couple months, my life got flipped upside down: my diet dwindled drastically, my pain increased tremendously, and I dropped 40lbs which really freaked me out. None of the doctors I saw knew what was going on and, frustratingly, they didn’t seem to take my issues seriously. They just kept trying different meds to mask the symptoms rather than discover and fix the problem. I was often left feeling like I was merely a nuisance to them.

One of the medicines they decided to try was to be taken right before bedtime. So I followed the doctor’s orders, took my first pill, and went to sleep. In the middle of the night, I was awoken by pain the likes of which I can’t adequately describe. In short, I felt like a hole had been punched in my chest cavity and my insides were ripped out, leaving behind a gaping chasm of fiery lava. 

Mom called 911 and I was rushed to the ER via ambulance. The doctor there kept asking me what I had taken, telling me he couldn’t help me until he knew what was already in my system. I kept replying that I only took the doctor prescribed pill and begging him to help me, but he was convinced there was something else I had taken - too many sleeping pills or some sort of recreational drug and/or illegal substance. 

As I lay in the emergency room cubicle, I was 100% certain I was about to die. Me: dead at 21. I knew the doctor wasn’t going to be able to stop the pain in time and that my heart wasn’t going to withstand much more. And because of the severe pain that I was in, I was okay with it. As I laid there, I prayed what I now call my goodbye prayer. I told Jesus that I was ready to be with Him - if it meant I’d be free of the pain, then I was ready to die. I very clearly remember asking Him to give Mom the strength to walk out of the hospital without me and to comfort her as she made the call to my dad and siblings, letting them know I was gone.

I knew I was going to die. I don’t say that for dramatic effect. No, I was fully certain that there was about to be an Andi-shaped hole in my family’s world.

That moment, laying on that gurney in the icky hospital room in Arkansas - that’s the moment that came to mind when Mike told us to think of a bad day.

My immediate follow-up thought was, “What am I doing back here, God? We’ve already talked about this day. Aren’t we done with it?” I then tried bringing a different moment to mind, but that darn day wouldn’t make room for any other to form in my head. 

So when prompted, I said, “Okay, Jesus… where were You?”

And y’all, what I saw… oh boy.

I was there - laying on that gurney and writhing in agony. The doctor was on my right side, questioning me over and over. And in reality, it was Mom on my left side, holding my hand - in the vision I saw Jesus there instead. He was bending over me with His left hand resting on and covering the burning hole in my chest. And He was weeping over me.

Not polite, silent tears. Weeping.

To see Him so moved by my pain that it brought Him to tears ministered to my heart and my faith in huge ways that night.

By seeing that vision, He opened my eyes and gave me a realization that I had unknowingly been living with the belief that Jesus is sorta indifferent to my pain. Not that He doesn’t care that I’m in pain and not that He doesn’t love me, but because He knows the end of the story, He’s not really affected by the moments leading up to it. He knows the exact moment that my healing will manifest, whereas I’m left in the waiting of Unknown. 

In reflecting on the experience and pondering what God revealed, this is my conclusion: a part of how I came to believe Him indifferent to my pain stems from how I’ve felt at times after people have prayed for me. There are times I’ve left a prayer service feeling condemned and as if it’s my fault that I’m this way. There are times I’ve walked away with a confused heart, not understanding why my mustard seed faith wasn’t good enough. And there are many times that I feel guilty and like I’ve let the dear ones praying for me down when they say amen and I’m still not fully healed. Somewhere in the midst of all that, the enemy planted the little seed that I unintentionally nourished - because surely He must feel indifferent, otherwise He’d have been moved to heal me by now… right? {Thank You, Father, that You tear down lies and reveal Truth!}

I needed that moment with Jesus. I needed to see His tears on my behalf. 

First, because it brought to light a lie that I was unaware of, allowing me to repent of it and to break its hold on me. Second, because we’re once again searching for answers amongst the medical field, fighting to have more tests run and refusing to settle for “everything’s normal” and “you’re fine”. This all makes me super nervous ‘cause the tests tend to bring me more pain than I’m already in. 

He knows exactly what I need for the days ahead. And because He can be no less than good, He gave me that moment at the beginning of this journey to encourage me and strengthen me.

*Photo found on Pinterest

Wherever you are, Friends, I believe He’s right there with you and that He wants to do the same for you. I believe He longs to meet with you and that He desires to minister to your hearts. I encourage you to find a moment today and just be still. Shut out the distractions of the room and let your mind go silent for a short bit. Close your eyes and focus on Him.

There in the silence, when it's just you and Him - think of a good day. A moment in your life when you felt pure joy, a moment that was made for happiness. Do you see it? 

While the memory plays out behind your eyelids, ask Him: Jesus, where were you?

Do you see Him? If you can’t see Him, do you sense Him? He's there...

Now, let the opposite moment come to mind - think of the bad day. The day when the hurt came, the moment when your world was flipped upside down. Let that moment fully form in your head. Do you see it? 

Once you have that moment in mind, ask Him again: Jesus, where were You?

Do you see Him? If you can’t see Him, do you sense Him?

I pray today is a day where you encounter Him, Friends. And that you find Him in all of your tomorrows.

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Thank You, Jesus, that You are a Friend Who delights in our happy moments. Thank You that You dance with us in the sunshine and find joy in the beauty of our laughter. And I thank You, Jesus, that You are our ever present help in times of trouble. That You are our faithful comfort and strength. I thank You that You do not shy away from our hard times, nor are You scared of our pain. You enter into it with us, You endure it by our side. You are good and kind when life seems anything but. I thank You for showing up to minister to our hearts, for meeting each of us right where we’re at. I give You praise and glory for Who You are and for all You do for us. May we continue to encounter You in our daily lives, knowing that You are with us every step of the way, the good days and the not-so-good ones too. We love you, Abba. Amen <3