< Artist at Work >

It happened on Tuesday, February 28th, 2017. The day started out innocently enough, lulling me into a false sense of security. My morning was fine and I was happy. After I sat down to eat lunch, though, the day took a drastic turn. I began having horrible abdominal pain that kept increasing in intensity rather than easing up. I took a pain pill, got my heating pad in place, and summoned my husband home from work. Usually, I can handle the pain on my own, but this time I knew it wasn’t safe for me to be alone.

My medication and heating pad seemed useless, neither being able to bring my pain levels down. Instead, everything just kept getting worse. I’m so thankful JRB was there to care for me because when I suddenly went spiraling into a panic attack, it was him who held me and pulled me back from the black hole. When I simply couldn’t take the pain any longer, he called my momma and they rushed me to the ER at midnight [and that’s the reason we chose to be my parents’ neighbors.]

*Heartbreak’s a bitter sound

Know it well, it’s ringing in my ears

And I can’t understand

Why I’m not fixed by now

Begged and I have pleaded

Take this pain, but I’m still bleeding*

At times I feel ill-equipped to endure this constant battle. After these attacks, I’m left with a body that feels like it’s taken numerous punches and kicks without any defensive padding. My insides feel bruised and tender, while my outsides look gaunt and strained. It can take weeks for my body to bounce back to its normal {which is in a zip code far, far away from a healthy person’s.}

It’s at these times that I often find myself returning to God with my questions of “why is this happening?” and “will it ever be over?” These are the times when I simply don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know what all God is doing, so it’s in moments like these that I must rely on faith and trust. I have to hold tight to His promise that He knows His plans for me and that He’s working all this out for good.  

If you’ve read more of my blog than just this one post, then I’m sure you’re aware that I have a chronic illness. You also probably know that we have absolutely no idea why I’m sick or what causes me to go into my attacks. I’ll now let you in on the knowledge that nothing has changed in that regard. While God has answered my prayers for peace and joy in the midst of all this, I’m still in the waiting for my full healing.

*Heart trusts You for certain

Head says it’s not working*

When I purchased Danny Gokey’s new album and heard the song, “Masterpiece” for the first time I had to put it on repeat. I listened to that song over and over, just standing in place and marveling at the message within the lyrics. The pure beauty of it brought tears to my eyes. I was so touched by the image the song crafted in my head, the idea that I am a masterpiece of God. Just - wow…

Have you ever watched an artist at work? No matter what medium or matter they’re using, they take something so ordinary and plain, turning it into this thing of beauty when they’re done. Sometimes it’s a long and grueling process involving lots of sweat and tears. The artist pours their heart and soul into their artwork, leaving a touch of themselves behind in each thing they craft. It’s truly inspiring to watch them work. 

Where there was once nothing worth noticing, they create and leave behind something that inspires wonder and awe.

The lyrics to this song of Mr. Gokey’s gave me a visual of that. Of the Great Artist with His crafting tools, molding and shaping His creation into a bearer of His great beauty. Removing the flaws, smoothing out the rough edges, repairing any smudged areas. I just have this image of myself standing in front of Him while He paints on me with a smile on His face. And I wonder…

Is this illness merely a vibrant red, put there to draw the eye to the masterful hands that painted it? Are these trials just shades of blue and green, specifically placed to inspire the viewer to seek out the Artist? Perhaps the things that cause me to question Him are vibrant strokes of purples and teals that are designed to lead to a deeper understanding of the One Who wielded the paintbrush. Maybe, just maybe, I’ve been looking at this all wrong…

*You’re making a masterpiece

You’re shaping the soul in me

You’re moving where I can’t see

And all I am is in Your hands

You’re taking me all apart

Like it was Your plan from the start

To finish Your work of art for all to see

You’re making a masterpiece*

I don’t know about you, Friends, but I want that. I want to be viewed as a beautiful work of art, one that showcases the Artist’s brilliance from every angle. I want my life to bear His signature so that all who see me will know Who created me. I want to be painted in mercy’s hue, with grace and humility’s colors mixing in. I want bold splashes of kindness, honor, patience, and respect to exist on me. I want Him to paint with strokes of generosity and honesty. I want every layer and every stroke to be sealed with the vibrancy of Love.

I don’t know how the rest of my story will play out. I don’t know what the Artist will do next, what process He’ll take me through to make me an even better work of Him. The artwork doesn’t question the artist, though, it merely sits and allows the artist free reign to do with it as they will. I want to be a creation who does the same - peacefully rests and trusts the process as the Creator does His thing.

*Guess I’m Your canvas

Beautiful black and blue

Painted in mercy’s hue

I don’t see past this, but You see me now

Who I’ll be then there at the end

Standing there as Your masterpiece*

Bonus Bit - On the Friday after the Tuesday attack, I went to Ohio for a Casting Crowns, Danny Gokey, and Unspoken concert. I went in faith, praying I wouldn't relapse while gone. By the time Friday came, I hadn't eaten anything besides a couple of bananas since Tuesday at noon, so I was extremely weak. Also, my torso was screaming at me the whole trip, sending intense shots of pain on top of the steady throbbing I was already experiencing. Despite all that, though,  the concert was amazing and I'm so thankful I got to go. At the end of the night, God crazy blessed me when He maneuvered me into a place where Danny Gokey walked right up to my parents, husband, and I. Can you tell by this picture how insanely excited I was?! Danny's music has had a huge impact on my life, encouraging me in the times when I really struggle with my chronic illness. I'm pretty sure I could write an individual post for each of his songs (so keep your eyes peeled, more will be coming *wink wink*). Meeting him after the horrible week I had.. I call it a God-kiss. A way that God showed me how much He loves me, blessing me in the midst of the struggle.

So, Mr. Gokey, if ever you should somehow come across this post - thank you. For using your gifts and talents to honor Him and bring glory to His name. And for breaking the rules and taking this picture with me :) God bless!

*All areas surrounded by asterisks (*) are lyrics from Danny Gokey's song, "Masterpiece"