{but if not}

Are you familiar with the Bible story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego? {Daniel chapter 3} These three men were Jews whose homeland was conquered, resulting in them being taken as captives to Babylon. The Lord was still looking after them, though, and placed them in service of the king, which later led to other promotions.

As so often happens, others became jealous of Rach, Shach, and Benny, causing them to seek out ways to get rid of the Jews. They convinced the king to have an image of gold set up and a decree proclaimed that “..as soon as you hear..all kinds of music, you must fall down and worship the image of gold.. Whoever does not.. will immediately be thrown into a blazing furnace.” (v.4-6NIV)

Rach, Shach, and Benny were among those who were summoned to assemble for the dedication of this new statue. When the music sounded and the crowd around them bowed, these three Jews remained on their feet, resulting in them being brought before King Nebuchadnezzar for questioning. He asked them, “Is it true.. that you do not serve my gods or worship the image of gold I have set up?.. But if you do not worship it, you will immediately be thrown into a blazing furnace. Then what god will be able to rescue you from my hand?” (v.14-15)

Their response is pretty inspiring - “.. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it.. But even if he does not, we want you to know.. we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” (v.16-18) In King Nebby’s anger, he ordered the furnace to be fired up seven.times.hotter and the Jews to be bound and thrown in. At that point, the furnace was so hot that the men who threw Rach, Shach, and Benny into it were killed from the extreme heat.

King Nebby suddenly jumped to his feet and cried out in amazement,  “..I see four men walking around in the fire..and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.” (v.25) He then called for the Jews to come out of the fire and when they walked out unharmed {their hair wasn’t singed, they had no burns upon their skin, their clothes weren’t scorched, and they didn’t even smell like smoke} he gave praise to the God of Rach, Shach, and Benny, “who had sent his angel and rescued his servants.” (v.28) 

I’ve always loved this particular Bible story. When I read about the three Jews refusing to bow to the statue and about God's subsequent display of power when He rescued them, I get goosebumps. I wonder - were their knees shaking, their palms sweating, or their hearts pounding as they stood there among the kneeling crowd...?

There are so many good things we can pull from this story, but for today my heart is captured by and focused on one small phrase found in the Jews’ response to the king:

But if not {paraphrased}

Those few words pack a mighty punch and are quite a powerful example to us. We all face dark days that present us with the choice to either bow to the pressures of this life or to stand with faith despite the hard times. When it’s our turn to choose, what might it look like if we responded like Rach, Shach, and Benny?

I know my God is able to fill my barren womb, but if He does not, I will not bow to discontentment nor kneel before despair.

I know my God is able to remove my financial strains, but even if He doesn’t, I will not serve dishonesty nor entertain the character of cheating.

I know my God is able to heal me of all sickness, but if not, I will not prostrate myself before the idol of anger nor will I fix my eyes on the figure of hopelessness or tune my ears to the voice of doubt.

We know that anything we place higher than God becomes an idol, a false god. Whether it be time, money, an emotion, etc. When it becomes our main priority, when that's where our eyes are focused and what our energy is geared towards, that's when we place it in a position that belongs solely to the Lord. So the idols we build today aren't always constructed of material things, but sometimes from the worth and the power we bestow them in our minds.

Before we're able to confidently respond like those three Jewish men when it was their time to choose, Dear Ones, perhaps we must first ask ourselves an important question:
is our love for God and our faith in Him dependent on how He answers our prayers...?

When the hard times come and the days are filled with clouds and rain, it's how we respond that denotes our choice. Do we push through the emotions and hold tight to Truth or do we bow to the negative thoughts and feelings that the enemy swarms us with? I know too often I've allowed myself to reside within the latter category.

Through those times that I've chosen unwisely, I've discovered a truly beautiful and amazing thing about God - when we find ourselves on the ground and already bowing low despite knowing we shouldn't, wanting to stand but with no strength to do so, He reaches down with tender mercy and gently pulls us back up to our feet.

Simply because He loves us.

I don’t know what your situation is, Friend. I don’t know what idols have been placed before you with demands that you bow. What I do know is this - I’m rooting for you. If you're like me, then you don’t want a wishy-washy faith that falls apart when faced with the trials this life brings. I pray that when it’s your time to choose {and if you find yourself with shaking knees, clammy hands, and a pounding heart} your feet will stay firmly planted and your mouth will confidently proclaim... 

but if not, I will.not.bow.

< Artist at Work >

It happened on Tuesday, February 28th, 2017. The day started out innocently enough, lulling me into a false sense of security. My morning was fine and I was happy. After I sat down to eat lunch, though, the day took a drastic turn. I began having horrible abdominal pain that kept increasing in intensity rather than easing up. I took a pain pill, got my heating pad in place, and summoned my husband home from work. Usually, I can handle the pain on my own, but this time I knew it wasn’t safe for me to be alone.

My medication and heating pad seemed useless, neither being able to bring my pain levels down. Instead, everything just kept getting worse. I’m so thankful JRB was there to care for me because when I suddenly went spiraling into a panic attack, it was him who held me and pulled me back from the black hole. When I simply couldn’t take the pain any longer, he called my momma and they rushed me to the ER at midnight [and that’s the reason we chose to be my parents’ neighbors.]

*Heartbreak’s a bitter sound

Know it well, it’s ringing in my ears

And I can’t understand

Why I’m not fixed by now

Begged and I have pleaded

Take this pain, but I’m still bleeding*

At times I feel ill-equipped to endure this constant battle. After these attacks, I’m left with a body that feels like it’s taken numerous punches and kicks without any defensive padding. My insides feel bruised and tender, while my outsides look gaunt and strained. It can take weeks for my body to bounce back to its normal {which is in a zip code far, far away from a healthy person’s.}

It’s at these times that I often find myself returning to God with my questions of “why is this happening?” and “will it ever be over?” These are the times when I simply don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know what all God is doing, so it’s in moments like these that I must rely on faith and trust. I have to hold tight to His promise that He knows His plans for me and that He’s working all this out for good.  

If you’ve read more of my blog than just this one post, then I’m sure you’re aware that I have a chronic illness. You also probably know that we have absolutely no idea why I’m sick or what causes me to go into my attacks. I’ll now let you in on the knowledge that nothing has changed in that regard. While God has answered my prayers for peace and joy in the midst of all this, I’m still in the waiting for my full healing.

*Heart trusts You for certain

Head says it’s not working*

When I purchased Danny Gokey’s new album and heard the song, “Masterpiece” for the first time I had to put it on repeat. I listened to that song over and over, just standing in place and marveling at the message within the lyrics. The pure beauty of it brought tears to my eyes. I was so touched by the image the song crafted in my head, the idea that I am a masterpiece of God. Just - wow…

Have you ever watched an artist at work? No matter what medium or matter they’re using, they take something so ordinary and plain, turning it into this thing of beauty when they’re done. Sometimes it’s a long and grueling process involving lots of sweat and tears. The artist pours their heart and soul into their artwork, leaving a touch of themselves behind in each thing they craft. It’s truly inspiring to watch them work. 

Where there was once nothing worth noticing, they create and leave behind something that inspires wonder and awe.

The lyrics to this song of Mr. Gokey’s gave me a visual of that. Of the Great Artist with His crafting tools, molding and shaping His creation into a bearer of His great beauty. Removing the flaws, smoothing out the rough edges, repairing any smudged areas. I just have this image of myself standing in front of Him while He paints on me with a smile on His face. And I wonder…

Is this illness merely a vibrant red, put there to draw the eye to the masterful hands that painted it? Are these trials just shades of blue and green, specifically placed to inspire the viewer to seek out the Artist? Perhaps the things that cause me to question Him are vibrant strokes of purples and teals that are designed to lead to a deeper understanding of the One Who wielded the paintbrush. Maybe, just maybe, I’ve been looking at this all wrong…

*You’re making a masterpiece

You’re shaping the soul in me

You’re moving where I can’t see

And all I am is in Your hands

You’re taking me all apart

Like it was Your plan from the start

To finish Your work of art for all to see

You’re making a masterpiece*

I don’t know about you, Friends, but I want that. I want to be viewed as a beautiful work of art, one that showcases the Artist’s brilliance from every angle. I want my life to bear His signature so that all who see me will know Who created me. I want to be painted in mercy’s hue, with grace and humility’s colors mixing in. I want bold splashes of kindness, honor, patience, and respect to exist on me. I want Him to paint with strokes of generosity and honesty. I want every layer and every stroke to be sealed with the vibrancy of Love.

I don’t know how the rest of my story will play out. I don’t know what the Artist will do next, what process He’ll take me through to make me an even better work of Him. The artwork doesn’t question the artist, though, it merely sits and allows the artist free reign to do with it as they will. I want to be a creation who does the same - peacefully rests and trusts the process as the Creator does His thing.

*Guess I’m Your canvas

Beautiful black and blue

Painted in mercy’s hue

I don’t see past this, but You see me now

Who I’ll be then there at the end

Standing there as Your masterpiece*

Bonus Bit - On the Friday after the Tuesday attack, I went to Ohio for a Casting Crowns, Danny Gokey, and Unspoken concert. I went in faith, praying I wouldn't relapse while gone. By the time Friday came, I hadn't eaten anything besides a couple of bananas since Tuesday at noon, so I was extremely weak. Also, my torso was screaming at me the whole trip, sending intense shots of pain on top of the steady throbbing I was already experiencing. Despite all that, though,  the concert was amazing and I'm so thankful I got to go. At the end of the night, God crazy blessed me when He maneuvered me into a place where Danny Gokey walked right up to my parents, husband, and I. Can you tell by this picture how insanely excited I was?! Danny's music has had a huge impact on my life, encouraging me in the times when I really struggle with my chronic illness. I'm pretty sure I could write an individual post for each of his songs (so keep your eyes peeled, more will be coming *wink wink*). Meeting him after the horrible week I had.. I call it a God-kiss. A way that God showed me how much He loves me, blessing me in the midst of the struggle.

So, Mr. Gokey, if ever you should somehow come across this post - thank you. For using your gifts and talents to honor Him and bring glory to His name. And for breaking the rules and taking this picture with me :) God bless!

*All areas surrounded by asterisks (*) are lyrics from Danny Gokey's song, "Masterpiece"

[ d r e a m e r ]

Dreamer:

One that dreams.

- a dreamer is one who lives in a world of fancy and imagination (according to Merriam-Webster)

I’ve always thought of a dreamer more as:

-  one who allows their heart the freedom to wish for things that their mind deems illogical or impractical. 

Growing up I had lots of dreams, as most kids do. The dreams fluctuated and changed as the years passed, which is to be expected as a child becomes an adult.

When I was little I dreamt of flying to Neverland with Peter Pan and meeting all the Lost Boys. I also wanted to explore the ocean with Flounder and Sebastian by my side. Before I developed a fear of heights, I wished to take a magic carpet ride with Genie and Abu.

I moved on from dreaming of meeting my Disney friends and dreamt of living in a musical instead, ‘cause I thought it’d be the coolest thing for everyone to just break out into spontaneous (yet perfectly choreographed) song and dance. It changed to me being a famous singer. Then of being a dancer, because watching people tell a story by dancing was fascinating to me. 

In my teen years, I began to dream of being an inspirational speaker, one who would share an encouraging message to large groups of people. Then I realized that would require me standing in front of said large groups of people and started to question whether I really wanted that dream or not…

I think back on all those dreams I had growing up and it makes me smile. Some of them were silly and only lasted for a short time, while others stuck in my heart for years. What I love though is looking back and being able to call the girl I was a Dreamer.

I think somewhere along the road of growing up, a majority of us adults start to believe that dreaming is only for little kids. We become far too busy with adulting - going to work, paying bills, etc. - to spend time dreaming. We reel our heart back in, tapering off its freedom to wish for the fantastical. 

Friends, we've got to stop doing that. It’s time we let our hearts free to dream once again.

If Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Edison had never dreamt, we could still be sitting in the dark. If the Wright brothers had only stuck with thinking in the realm of practical, we probably wouldn’t have JRB’s airplane currently residing in our hangar. And what if Martin Luther King, Jr had never had a dream?

While our time as little kids has passed, our call to be Dreamers has not.

Over the past year and a half, I’ve been more intentional about paying attention to the things my heart is dreaming of. God’s been calling me to dream bigger and, to do that, I need to be aware of what I’m even dreaming of to begin with. I have to shut off my brain from trying to figure out if these dreams are even possible and just listen to what my heart is wishing for.

I’m dreaming of writing a book.

- when God first gave me this desire and dream, I've got to admit, I balked pretty hard. I didn’t think I was the right person for the job because I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to read a whole book written by me. Plus, what on earth would I write?! Now, after much prayer and many conversations with those close to me, I’m learning to simply embrace the dream. Within the embracing, the dream is growing. Now I have ideas for multiple books bubbling inside of me… Maybe giving my heart the freedom to just dream will lead to y’all seeing a book by new author A. Blair on the shelves someday soon.

I’m dreaming of being an editor.

- this past year I was presented with an amazing opportunity to edit a dear friend’s book. I’d never done any editing before, but they enjoyed my writing so much that they asked me if I’d be interested. I was really nervous at first, but now I’m totally loving the process. The fact that I’m being paid to do one of my most favorite things (read) is a major blessing. Because of my chronic illness, I’m not able to work outside the home, so it’s a total God-kiss to be able to contribute financially in this way. I’ve found that I enjoy editing so much, that my heart now wishes for more books to come my way.

I’m dreaming of becoming a mom.

- the wording of this dream is pretty important. All my life I’ve dreamt of being a mom, but now my heart is dreaming of becoming one. For me, this dream will come through the beauty of adoption. The more my brain gets involved in finding information and trying to figure out the way to make this happen, the more impossible this dream looks. I refuse to let it go, though, refuse to cut my heart off from dreaming of one day holding my own child(ren). So, while my brain’s part in all of this is important, I’m going to listen closely to my heart and keep praying over and pressing into this dream. Who knows? Maybe writing these words and sharing them with you is the step that’s needed to lead a birth mother to JRB and I, either from her reading this herself or from one of you connecting her to us. I can’t even describe to you the level of awesome that would be!

We all have dreams. We may not be aware of what all of them are yet, but we all have dreams inside of us. Each one having value and worth. No dream is inconsequential. We have no idea the future impact our dreams of the present day may have.

Maybe one of the books I'm dreaming of writing is exactly the book someone else needs to read to find the courage and hope to continue living this life. Maybe my dream of editing is the solution to us having the finances to finish building our home, relieving JRB from a financial weight. And while I don’t dream of being president, maybe the child my heart is longing for will one day hold that title.

Your dreams are important. They could lead to curing cancer or reducing pollution, making traveling easier or helping to stop bullying. Those things tend to seem impossible and maybe they are... until a Dreamer like you dreams of a way to change it.

Maybe a new definition should be created... 

Dreamer:

One who changes the world

You hold dreams inside of you that the world needs you to dream. So take a break from thinking of all the logical and practical things and just let your heart wish for something fantastical.

*Image created using pablo.buffer

Go ahead, Dreamer, and dream those seemingly impossible dreams…

N o t. M y. W i l l.

*I know You’re good,

but this don’t feel good right now…

I looked into JRB's eyes with tears streaming down my cheeks and said, “I don’t even know why I’m crying right now!”

Have you ever had a moment like that? A time when the emotions flip and it leaves you wondering what just happened. I experienced it several months ago. One moment I was staring into the face of the one I so deeply love, smiling at him and enjoying a quiet moment in the midst of our chaos, then in the next breath I was having a total emotional breakdown. A deep, gasping-for-breath type of crying. Though he had no idea what just triggered the drastic change, JRB gathered me into his arms, held me close, and offered me comfort for my pain.

As I clutched him tight and leaked my tears all over him, I cried out, “I don’t want to be sick anymore!”

Normally I can handle my chronic illness with grace and acceptance. I’m not the type to dwell on the negative nor do I go through my days with a woe-is-me mentality. I don’t ever enjoy being sick, but I try to give thanks in it and live according to James 1:2&3 -

*Photo found on Pinterest

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 

because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”

This past summer I struggled with that, though. I was worn down and felt like I had nothing else to give. It all felt too big in those months, too much for me to keep dealing with.

I had a couple procedures done in June of 2016 that were pretty traumatic. The prep involved for one of the tests put me into a severe attack. In my recent post, “~ Another Year Older ~” I shared some of the details about that time; how my husband and parents rushed me to the ER, about their fear of losing me. You can read my previous post if you'd like to know more of that story.

Being the sick person, the one who feels as if I’m dying is in no way easy. But a part of me thinks, that in moments like those we went through back in June, it’s harder on the ones who love me as they watch me fight so hard to simply stay alive.

*It’s hard to count it all joy

distracted by the noise,

Just trying to make sense

of all Your promises.

It wasn’t that latest attack that caused my emotional upheavel nor was it all the added pain I’ve been living with since. What caused me to feel so lost at sea were all the {seemingly} unanswered prayers that preceded the procedures. There were multiple people praying for me, tons of prayers prayed on my behalf…so why were the results so bad?

God seemed so silent, so far removed from what I was going through. Even though I believe in the power of prayer, and I truly do, I was still filled with all these questions and doubts that left me unable to form any words to pray. I was struggling with questions of why should we continue to pray for my health when it’s so obvious He’s not planning on healing me...

*Photo found on Pinterest

In those weeks of unending physical pain, I was in such emotional and mental turmoil. I was going through the motions, doing what was expected of me, all while I had this slow burn growing inside of me. I was sinking into a place of anger directed at a god whom I felt had let me down. Where had Jehovah Rapha, the God Who heals, gone when I needed Him? Why was He healing others around me, but seeming to always skip over me? The questions just kept repeating over and over in my mind.

*I don’t want to think I may never understand,

That my broken heart is a part of Your plan.

When I try to pray all I’ve got is hurt

and these four words:

Thy will be done.

Perhaps you’ve been there too, Friend. Maybe you’ve faced a time when you turned your face towards Heaven, raised your voice, and pleaded for answers like I did. Possibly you’re there now. Full of questions about how a loving God could allow such pain and heartbreak into your life. If He’s all-powerful, why didn’t He stop it before it reached you?

It’s so hard when we don’t have immediate answers, isn’t it? It makes it so difficult to keep the faith, to trust His plans, to hold onto hope. When our lives are thrown into chaos it can feel like we’re being tossed about to and fro, and just when we have our feet back on firm ground, they get swept out from under us once more. We can get so lost in the muddiness of the storm that we lose sight of the One Who can guide us through.

*Sometimes I gotta stop,

remember that You’re God

and I am not.

I don’t have answers for all the why’s of this life, nor do I know the reason behind my continued illness. But you know what, Friends? I’m slowly learning to be okay with that. I’m on a journey of discovering how to leave my why’s at the altar and focus instead on the Who. I’m growing to accept that there are simply things in this life that I’m never going to understand, but I can have peace by trusting the One Who holds the answers.

I recently heard this quote by Bill Johnson through a beautiful sister in Christ, “You can’t get the peace that passes understanding until you give up your right to understand.” Boom. Heart impacted.

We can live in a place of surrender, seeking His will above our own, and trusting that He’ll use every trial for the further advancement of His Kingdom. That these painful times, all the things that hurt can be used for good and to make His goodness known. It’s okay to ask our questions of God. He isn’t scared nor intimidated by our doubts and fears. He longs to comfort our hearts, to give peace in the midst of life’s storms. So go ahead and ask - through tears, or whispers, or shouts. Whatever way it needs to come out, you have permission to do so, Dear Ones.

*Photo found on Pinterest

When I began this post, I was questioning why I was being prompted to write it since I had already shared some of these things in "~ Another Year Older ~". I feared this was just going to seem too redundant, that sharing this specific post would be pointless. But something (or should I say Someone..) wouldn't allow me to merely erase it. So when I hit the publish button it will be with a prayer that, through these words, someone receives hope and encouragement.

In closing, I want to extend this invitation - Beautiful Friends, I’d love if you would join me on this journey of surrendering our right to know why and discovering how to live with our hearts fully proclaiming, even in the midst of our trials: 

Not my will, but Yours be done.

{All lines preceded by an asterisk (*) symbol are lyrics from Hillary Scott's song, "Thy Will be Done"}

{Hello, 2017}

The holidays have come and gone. We spent so much time in preparation for their arrival only to have them pass in a flash...

The used wrapping paper has been disposed of, the Christmas decorations are tucked away and stored until next time {or at least that’s what I’ve heard - our tree is still currently sharing it’s beauty in our living room.} The holiday parties have passed, the streamers and kazoos thrown away. We’re just barely beyond the holidays, but their departure is keenly felt. Vacation time is almost over - adults are heading back to work and students are being called back to the classrooms. We may have started a new year, but most things remain the same.

*Photo found on Pinterest

But not all things.

A vast number of people have decided that there are some things in their lives that need to change, so they’ve made New Year’s Resolutions. One statistic I read said that the number of Americans that usually make these resolutions is 45%. For whatever reason, that’s really cool to me. Maybe it’s because I’ve personally never made one, which means I’m like 38% of Americans according to that same report.

I started to wonder about why I’ve never really gotten in on this ritual. Why do I see or hear about others making their resolutions, but I don’t join in? The answer I came up with is this: “New Year’s Resolution” and “failure” tend to be synonymous in my head. 

Did you know that, according to what I’ve read, only 8% of Americans who make a resolution are successful in achieving their goals? That’s a crazy small percentage! It actually kind of makes my heart hurt to think about all the people who want to make a change in their lives, but just can’t seem to get past whatever stands in their way. I don’t know who you may be, but I want you to succeed!

So I decided to leave my 38% comfort zone and join you 45%ers. 

Because I’ve never made a resolution of my own, I asked Google what the top 10 New Year’s resolutions are. {What did people do before Google??}  After reading through the different items, I picked out the ones that stood out among the rest and tweaked them to fit my own life. So, Friends, here’s my very first list of New Year’s Resolutions (in no particular order.)

• See the world Super-natural - while I think the earth is beautiful and has many wonders to behold, I know there are so many things happening outside of the natural that I’m not seeing and that fascinates me. I want new eyes so that I can see angels and witness His glory surrounding me. I want what happened to Elisha’s servant in 2 Kings 6:17. The servant wasn’t blind, so when Elisha prayed for his eyes to be opened, he was meaning the servant’s spiritual eyes. I want that. I want to look beyond the natural and see the super-natural.

• Organize my life Declutter my mind - we allow so many distractions into our lives, don’t we? Our attention is being pulled in so many different directions that it can be hard to focus on the things that matter. The Word says we are to set our minds on things above, not on earthly things (Colossians 3:2). It also says that we are to be transformed by the renewal of our minds (Romans 12:2). I want to kick out the wrong thoughts or thinking patterns that have made themselves far too comfy in my head so that my mind is freed of anything that pulls it’s attention away from the Lord.

• Spend Assume less & save Love more - there have been times I've been convicted of a judgmental attitude. Moments when I’ve had a thought immediately followed by a tiny prick feeling to my heart, something I recognize as the Spirit’s correction. I’m not talking about judging someone’s actions as either right or wrong, but rather about judging someone’s heart. It’s when I start assuming that I know the why behind a person’s actions without ever having them tell me their side that I cross over into a judgmental spirit towards them. I don’t want to do that. I want to follow the commandment given in John 13:34: I want to love them with a genuine and pure love, like Christ. People are beautiful, but I miss out on that when my eyes are murky with assumptions. 

• Lose weight bitterness - it’s a heavy weight when we carry bitterness in our hearts, isn’t it? When we refuse to let it go and forgive our offenders because they’ve yet to offer an apology for how they’ve wronged us. We feel we deserve that acknowledgment from them before we offer our forgiveness. Or sometimes we feel the apology they did offer wasn’t sincere enough, that they don’t seem genuinely sorry, so we continue to withhold forgiveness. Do you know who that actually hurts? Us. I don’t want to lug around unnecessary weight any longer. “Love prospers when a fault is forgiven..” - Proverbs 17:9. I want to let go of any past offenses and move forward without picking up any more. I want to live un-offendable.

• Quit smoking quitting - a bit oxymoron-ish, yeah? Stick with me for a second…when things get hard, I tend to retreat. I want space and time away from it all to gather my thoughts and process everything. That’s just my personality, the way God wired me. It’s not a bad thing in general, but the part that becomes a problem is when, in my retreat, I forget to keep living. I stop talking, reaching out to friends, and engaging in my relationships. I let my fingers stop typing and my brain says no to writing. In essence, I quit living the life God’s called me to live because I let life get in the way. I want to quit doing those unhealthy quits and only do ones that are good for me. I want to throw off the things that weigh me down and hinder me, running the race that God has set before me (Hebrews 12:1-3).

*Photo found on Pinterest

Here we are, Friends, at the start of a new year. It’s a year made up of months, which in turn are made up of weeks broken down into days that can be taken hour by hour or even minute by minute. It’s a whole year wide open before us, a year that nobody has yet seen. This new year is untouched, undiscovered; it has yet to be lived. It’s a whole new adventure awaiting people brave enough to take it on.

For those of you who've made a resolution, I'm rooting for you. I pray this is the year each of you is able to succeed in making your dreams a reality. May we blow the success rate statistic out of this world, so that when we hear New Year's Resolution it's no longer synonymous with failure.

May the God of peace,...equip you with

everything good for doing his will, and may he

work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus

Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

 (Hebrews 13:20-21MSG)

~ Another Year Older ~

I turned 28 this past Friday (the 16th.)

Photo found on Pinterest

I know for a lot of people that birthdays stop being eagerly anticipated once they become adults. A birthday is just another day of life to many. It no longer possesses an aura of wonder and specialness, but rather becomes an unwanted reminder of how quickly time passes.

For me, though, my birthday is a day that I will always greet with a smile. While I may not always enjoy the number being celebrated, I’ll always be thankful for what the day signifies: I’m still alive.

In my post "Miracle Musings", I mentioned how the trauma from my chronic illness led to me fully believing that I was going to die when I was 21 years old. I will never forget laying in that emergency room while the doctor asked me endless questions, holding tight to my momma’s hand as the pain just kept intensifying, and praying that God would give her the strength to walk out of that hospital without me after I passed away.

So for every birthday that I am here to celebrate, I’m going to do it with a grateful heart.

So blessed to be alive & loved by this man <3

In late June of this year {2016}, because we still had no answers and no real direction to go in, the doctors decided to redo some tests that I’d had done years prior in hopes of receiving new data. I was extremely nervous about going through the procedures again because they hadn’t worked out very well for me the first time. However, I knew something had to be done so I gave my consent.

On June 21st, I began the necessary prep that would allow them to perform the tests on the next day. On June 22nd, I woke JRB up around 1:30am because I was having severe nausea and debilitating pain due to the aforementioned prep. 

The next 20 minutes would later be added to our “Most Scary Moments” list.

Once we were awake, I started deteriorating fast. I became increasingly unresponsive, so JRB called my parents and they rushed over to help (for any of you who’ve ever questioned why we chose to build our home so close to my parents’ - there’s your answer.) I was overheated and lethargic, so while one would prop me up and keep me steady, another would attempt to cool me down with cold washcloths.

Then I started dry heaving, which then became me gasping for breath. My dad immediately called 911, but over the course of his conversation, I regained the ability to breathe. They loaded me up in the car and rushed me to the ER themselves. And as JRB held me in the backseat, trying to get me to respond to him, he endured the pain of thinking he lost me several times. 

If you ask him now he’ll tell you, “She really scared me, I thought she was gone.”

The weeks following this trauma included more doctors appointments and more testing, all of which ended with the same results: everything appears normal and we still have no answers.

I’m going to be totally honest with you here, Friends. For a while, I was pretty angry with God about all of this. People had been specifically praying that the procedural prep I had to do would not affect me negatively. People had been petitioning Him for answers to be found throughout the course of all the testing. We had been praying and believing that this would finally lead to something.

And yet… and yet.

Photo found on Pinterest

I woke up at 5:30 this morning, with all these words flowing through my brain and just had to write this to you. Aside from one post in September (I {still} DO), I haven't written anything since before all this happened. To have such a strong urge upon waking that I couldn't ignore, I figure this must be a post that someone somewhere needs to read. I'm praying it finds you quickly!  

I want you to know that I truly do understand that life is not always rainbows and unicorns, it doesn’t always seem beautiful or magical. I get it that life just really hurts sometimes, that there are seasons where our pain feels overwhelming. 

I know how it is to feel like God’s no longer listening, that He’s too far away to hear our cries for help.

In the weeks following all the summer-time trauma, I became pretty silent. I stopped writing, I wasn’t all that talkative, and my prayer life took a hit. Confession: instead of pressing into Him, I pulled away. 

JRB would try to encourage me and tell me to hold on to hope, but I'd gaze back into his eyes, my own filled with tears, and respond, "Hope hurts." {That story is for another blog post though...}

I remember walking out to do some weeding in the garden one random day and just suddenly looking to the sky and finally speaking my heart. With tears rolling down my cheeks, I cried, “God, where are You?! Why are You allowing all of this to happen?? I don’t understand any of this, but I want to trust You in it anyways. Help me.”

And like a loving daddy who always welcomes his children with open arms, even when they’ve been absent or distant, my Abba gathered me close to His chest and whispered His reply, “My child, I’m here.”

I don’t have any answers for why God hasn’t healed me, but I choose to still believe that He can. I’m not sure what the reasons are for allowing me this pain, but I choose to believe He’s using it for His glory to be shown and the advancement of His Kingdom.

So happy to be alive <3

And for you. I don’t know why you’re still sick even after all the prayers that have been prayed for your healing, but I know you are loved by a God Who still heals. I don’t have an answer as to why certain pain or trauma has been allowed to enter your world, but I do know there hasn’t been even a moment where you’ve been in it alone. I don’t know what the situation that you’re facing is, Friend, but I know to my very marrow that my God is good, all the time.

So press in, Dear Ones, and let your heart cry out to Him again and again and again. Then listen for His response:

“My child, I’m here.”

I {still} DO

I awoke with eager excitement, even though I’d barely slept the night before. The day was one I’d been anticipating for what felt like forever (but in reality was only 6 months) and I was ready to get to the main event!

My hair and face were all prettified. My dress was simple perfection; my boots, a splash of fun. I had my best girls by my side.

*PC: givingtreephotography.com

Then there was him.

Him, who was looking so handsome in his vest and tie. Him, who brought along his best fellas. Him, who had asked the question that led us to that day.

*PC: givingtreephotography.com

{September 7th, 2013}

That beautiful day when JRB and I made our vows and pledged our hearts to one another. When he forever became my Mr. and I, his Mrs.

“On this day

I give you my heart.

My promise

That I will walk with you,

Hand in hand,

Wherever our journey leads us.

Living, learning, loving.

I will be yours in plenty and in want,

In sickness and in health,

In failure and in triumph.

I will dream with you and celebrate with you.

Together,

Forever.”

Here I am, 3 years later, sitting on my couch in the living room of the home JRB has built for us. I gotta say, it doesn’t seem like it’s been that long already. Yet, at the same time, it seems like it’s been so much longer. The beautiful paradox of time in a marriage…

As I was beginning my day, thinking about what today represents and our plans to celebrate, the words for this post began swarming my brain. I knew if I didn’t write them down I’d spend my day mentally writing this post over and over until I finally physically wrote it out (my brain can be persistent like that.)

So, in honor of JRB and I’s wedding anniversary (and because I don’t want these words taking up a big portion of my brain all day!), here are 5 of the countless things I’ve learned about marriage over the past 3 years.

*Valentine's Day, 2016

5) Being right is never more important than being kind.

    Choosing love can be hard, especially when we’re wanting different things. When he’s saying one thing and I believe it’s better a different way, it can lead to frustrations and irritations. I want my way and I want him to just give it to me. In those moments, I’m reminded of some wise counsel we received prior to our wedding day: love each other more. We should love one another more than we love being right or having things our own way. Loving them and treating them with honor and respect is always more important than “being right”.

*Easter, 2016

4) Families are different…and that’s okay!

    My family has traditions and ways of doing things and his family has another. Nothing makes either one right or wrong, they’re just different. It can be hard learning how to adjust and blend these things together in a marriage. JRB and I are learning that the smoothest way to do these things is to simply let them be. When we’re with one family, we do things their way. When we’re with the other family, then we move to their rhythm. As we build our own family, we’ll integrate values and beats from each of our families, creating a whole new flavor of Blair. Family is beautiful and something to be treasured <3

*Mother's Day, 2016

3) The “in sickness” part is no joke.

    It’s odd to imagine hard days ahead when speaking the vows, but realistically we know that we’ll all face rough times. Personally, we’ve faced a lot of icky days brought on by sickness. We intentionally chose vows with those specific words because of my illness. For us, it’s an every day vow that we live out. For JRB, that means choosing to love me when I’m too weak to do anything, causing him to pick up all my slack. It means facing my severe attacks beside me, trying to keep me alert as they rush me to the ER, even as he fears he’s lost me (that’s a story for another blog post..) It’s staying together and choosing to love even if nothing ever improves. If you vow “in sickness and in health”, be very aware that the sickness part can be all too real. 

*Father's Day, 2016

2) Laundry doesn’t just double…

    Going from doing one person’s laundry to doing it for two, you’d think your task would simply double. Well, you’d think wrong. Getting married brings magic into your world, Friends, because that stuff doesn’t double, it quadruples! How else can you explain that besides magic?? ;)

*JRB's Birthday, 2016

1) Love is the greatest force in the world.

    When we choose love - real, true, and abiding love - marriage is beautiful. Because that love is patient with its spouse and that love is kind to its other half. That love isn’t jealous of its husband, nor is it always walking around and boasting about its greatness. That love isn’t prideful, but rather exudes humility. It doesn’t dishonor its wife, nor does it live with a “me, me, me” mentality. That love doesn’t get angry and upset easily. It doesn’t keep a record of its husband’s wrongs against them, nor does it keep a list of its wife’s past failures and mistakes. It doesn’t delight in evil or dirty things, but rather rejoices with the truth. That love - that deep love that seems so rare - that love always protects its spouse. It always trusts them, always holds hope for them, and always perseveres beside them. That love never fails.

    It’s worth repeating: Love is the greatest force in the world.

Life is a crazy-beautiful journey filled with ups and downs, hairpin turns and whiplash-inducing speeds. At times it’s fun and exhilarating, while other times you’d give anything to just get off the ride. From one day to the next, from one breath to another, everything can change. 

There was a time in my life when I feared my dream of being married to a godly man would stay just that: a dream. Then, God brought my “change”. He blessed me with JRB, who’s a Man among men. The way he loves me is humbling. He’s my fierce protector, my gentle caregiver, my shoulder to cry on, and my safe place to hide. 

The last three years have been filled with smiles and laughter while having their share of tears as well. With everything life throws our way and sends down the tracks towards us, I’m extremely grateful that it’s my hubby who’s holding my hand on this marriage-ride.

*PC: givingtreephotography.com

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - I love Love.

JRB’s love, though? That’s my most favoritest love of all.