N o t. M y. W i l l.

*I know You’re good,

but this don’t feel good right now…

I looked into JRB's eyes with tears streaming down my cheeks and said, “I don’t even know why I’m crying right now!”

Have you ever had a moment like that? A time when the emotions flip and it leaves you wondering what just happened. I experienced it several months ago. One moment I was staring into the face of the one I so deeply love, smiling at him and enjoying a quiet moment in the midst of our chaos, then in the next breath I was having a total emotional breakdown. A deep, gasping-for-breath type of crying. Though he had no idea what just triggered the drastic change, JRB gathered me into his arms, held me close, and offered me comfort for my pain.

As I clutched him tight and leaked my tears all over him, I cried out, “I don’t want to be sick anymore!”

Normally I can handle my chronic illness with grace and acceptance. I’m not the type to dwell on the negative nor do I go through my days with a woe-is-me mentality. I don’t ever enjoy being sick, but I try to give thanks in it and live according to James 1:2&3 -

*Photo found on Pinterest

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 

because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”

This past summer I struggled with that, though. I was worn down and felt like I had nothing else to give. It all felt too big in those months, too much for me to keep dealing with.

I had a couple procedures done in June of 2016 that were pretty traumatic. The prep involved for one of the tests put me into a severe attack. In my recent post, “~ Another Year Older ~” I shared some of the details about that time; how my husband and parents rushed me to the ER, about their fear of losing me. You can read my previous post if you'd like to know more of that story.

Being the sick person, the one who feels as if I’m dying is in no way easy. But a part of me thinks, that in moments like those we went through back in June, it’s harder on the ones who love me as they watch me fight so hard to simply stay alive.

*It’s hard to count it all joy

distracted by the noise,

Just trying to make sense

of all Your promises.

It wasn’t that latest attack that caused my emotional upheavel nor was it all the added pain I’ve been living with since. What caused me to feel so lost at sea were all the {seemingly} unanswered prayers that preceded the procedures. There were multiple people praying for me, tons of prayers prayed on my behalf…so why were the results so bad?

God seemed so silent, so far removed from what I was going through. Even though I believe in the power of prayer, and I truly do, I was still filled with all these questions and doubts that left me unable to form any words to pray. I was struggling with questions of why should we continue to pray for my health when it’s so obvious He’s not planning on healing me...

*Photo found on Pinterest

In those weeks of unending physical pain, I was in such emotional and mental turmoil. I was going through the motions, doing what was expected of me, all while I had this slow burn growing inside of me. I was sinking into a place of anger directed at a god whom I felt had let me down. Where had Jehovah Rapha, the God Who heals, gone when I needed Him? Why was He healing others around me, but seeming to always skip over me? The questions just kept repeating over and over in my mind.

*I don’t want to think I may never understand,

That my broken heart is a part of Your plan.

When I try to pray all I’ve got is hurt

and these four words:

Thy will be done.

Perhaps you’ve been there too, Friend. Maybe you’ve faced a time when you turned your face towards Heaven, raised your voice, and pleaded for answers like I did. Possibly you’re there now. Full of questions about how a loving God could allow such pain and heartbreak into your life. If He’s all-powerful, why didn’t He stop it before it reached you?

It’s so hard when we don’t have immediate answers, isn’t it? It makes it so difficult to keep the faith, to trust His plans, to hold onto hope. When our lives are thrown into chaos it can feel like we’re being tossed about to and fro, and just when we have our feet back on firm ground, they get swept out from under us once more. We can get so lost in the muddiness of the storm that we lose sight of the One Who can guide us through.

*Sometimes I gotta stop,

remember that You’re God

and I am not.

I don’t have answers for all the why’s of this life, nor do I know the reason behind my continued illness. But you know what, Friends? I’m slowly learning to be okay with that. I’m on a journey of discovering how to leave my why’s at the altar and focus instead on the Who. I’m growing to accept that there are simply things in this life that I’m never going to understand, but I can have peace by trusting the One Who holds the answers.

I recently heard this quote by Bill Johnson through a beautiful sister in Christ, “You can’t get the peace that passes understanding until you give up your right to understand.” Boom. Heart impacted.

We can live in a place of surrender, seeking His will above our own, and trusting that He’ll use every trial for the further advancement of His Kingdom. That these painful times, all the things that hurt can be used for good and to make His goodness known. It’s okay to ask our questions of God. He isn’t scared nor intimidated by our doubts and fears. He longs to comfort our hearts, to give peace in the midst of life’s storms. So go ahead and ask - through tears, or whispers, or shouts. Whatever way it needs to come out, you have permission to do so, Dear Ones.

*Photo found on Pinterest

When I began this post, I was questioning why I was being prompted to write it since I had already shared some of these things in "~ Another Year Older ~". I feared this was just going to seem too redundant, that sharing this specific post would be pointless. But something (or should I say Someone..) wouldn't allow me to merely erase it. So when I hit the publish button it will be with a prayer that, through these words, someone receives hope and encouragement.

In closing, I want to extend this invitation - Beautiful Friends, I’d love if you would join me on this journey of surrendering our right to know why and discovering how to live with our hearts fully proclaiming, even in the midst of our trials: 

Not my will, but Yours be done.

{All lines preceded by an asterisk (*) symbol are lyrics from Hillary Scott's song, "Thy Will be Done"}