Jesus > {insert name here}

One of the {countless} things my momma taught me while growing up is that if I’m in a situation where I just can’t find any other words then I should simply speak His name. Because there is power in the blessed name of Jesus. 

One of my strongest memories that relates to this is back when I was around first or second grade and Momma was driving my siblings and I to school. It was winter so the roads weren’t all that lovely on this particular day. I don’t know if we started sliding while trying to stop for the traffic light or if another vehicle wasn’t seeming able to stop, but I remember clearly hearing her suddenly and loudly say, “Oh my God!” Whatever the issue was, nothing happened to us on that morning, we were all fine. I grew up learning the 10 commandments though so after we were through the light Little Me chastised Momma for taking the Lord’s name in vain. I remember her explaining something to me in that moment that continues to impact my life. Within her explanation she told me, “Sometimes, Andi, His name is all you have to say.” 

*Photo found on Pinterest

I love 7eventh Time Down’s song, “Just say Jesus”. It’s resonated within my heart since the first time I heard it and goes right along with what Momma taught me on that day all those years ago. The chorus says:

“When you don’t know what to say,

Just say Jesus

There is power in the name,

The name of Jesus

If the words won’t come 

‘Cause you’re too afraid to pray

Just say Jesus”

When the panic attacks come and I struggle to find reasonable thinking again, 

I chant the powerful name of Jesus.

When my heart was broken and I didn’t understand what was happening, 

I clung to the precious name of Jesus.

When I look into the future and it all just seems too scary and overwhelming, 

I find peace in the name of Jesus.

When I step outside my comfort zone and the nerves threaten to make me pass out,

I remember the Life-giving name of Jesus.

When life is so beautiful and my heart overflows with thanksgiving and I’m too overwhelmed by His goodness to speak, I smile and whisper that beautiful name, Jesus.

In those moments when I simply have no words to express how I’m feeling, in those times when I don’t even understand how I’m feeling, there is one word I can speak that surpasses all others. Jesus.

Last night, my husband and I went with some others to see Danny Gokey in concert. [Side note: if you’ve never seen him but love his music, he’s awesome live so if you have a chance to see him, take it!] It wasn’t a huge venue, so we got to be fairly close to the action. He had the crowd dancing and singing along with some of his biggest hits and then he slowed things down and lead us in a couple worship songs.

At one point, he had the whole group of us singing the chorus of, “How great is our God” over and over. And like a lightening bolt piercing my heart, one line struck me. I’ve sung this song multiple times, but it was only last night that it affected me in this way.

*Photo found on Pinerest

“He’s the Name above all names”

I sang that line and I was filled with Hope, because the Truth in that line was something I needed to remember. I tend to be really literal so my mind always recognized that line as His name being greater than people’s names. As if we’re singing that the name Jesus is greater than the names Andrea, Juan, Felicity, Mason, etc. I only ever made that type of connection, but last night another chord was struck inside of me.

Before I tell you what Truth God gave me, let me give you a brief explanation of what lead up to it. My primary doctor referred me to a specialist this past week to see about having an upper endoscopy done (a scope down my throat.) During the appointment, this particular specialist just kept referring to my illness as IBS, which was quite frustrating because the IBS specialist that I’ve seen says that’s not what my illness is but… anywho. That appointment was Thursday afternoon and the concert was Friday evening, so it was all fresh in my mind.

While I stood in that crowd and sang about how great my God is, Truth pierced through me and brought Hope with it. A connection was made in my brain that travelled and settled into my spirit - His name is not merely greater than humanity’s names, His name is greater than every name. The “names” we’ve placed on things, the titles we’ve bestowed - His name is above them all. As I sang that line about His name being above all others, I heard softly spoken to my heart…”My name is greater than IBS.”

Whoosh. 

Peace. Hope. Joy. Strength. In that moment, it’s like I was immersed in them. Surrounded by a crowd of people, my Abba pursued me to give me comfort. He knew exactly what I needed to hear, even though I myself was unaware. I was dreading having to try another medication soon, but it wasn’t really on my mind during the concert. My body was screaming at me with pain, but I was doing my best to ignore it and enjoy the time with some of my favorite people. I wasn’t actively seeking reassurance in those moments, but that didn’t stop Him from sending it. And that right there just makes me want to shout to the world how great my God is!

*Photo found on Pinterest

Dear Friends, maybe you’re in need of Hope too. Maybe you’re facing something in life and you’re craving a moment of Peace. Maybe you’re in a season of rocky terrain and you just need to be reassured that He’s still in control. Oh, Dear One, if that’s you I implore you to just take a moment and let this Truth seep into your very being - He’s the Name above all names.

Cancer < Jesus

Depression < Jesus
Anorexia < Jesus

Fear < Jesus

Divorce < Jesus

Arthritis < Jesus

Disease < Jesus
Bulimia < Jesus

Addiction < Jesus

Bipolar < Jesus
Self-harm < Jesus

MS < Jesus

Tumor < Jesus

Anxiety < Jesus

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. His name is greater than every other name. His name holds more power than any other name. List them all out, His will be at the top every time. There are none that even match His. No other name even comes close to His precious and powerful name.

In His name, chains are broken. In His name, bondage is destroyed. In His name, captives are set free. In His name, lies are obliterated. In His name, darkness trembles. In His name, the enemy cowers and flees.

In His name, sins are forgiven. In His name, sinners become saints. In His name, we are redeemed. In His name, we are overcomers. In His name, we are victorious. In His name, we are flawless. In His name… In His name… In His name.

Jesus. There is power in that beautifully sweet name. 

*Photo found on Pinterest

Look into your moment, Friend, face whatever challenge is on your doorstep, and simply speak His name. Jesus. Whether you can say it bold and loud or your voice quivers in weakness from the fight - the power isn’t in how you say it, the power is in the name you are saying. 

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus! 

Whisper it. Shout it. Sing it. Speak it.

It doesn’t matter how you proclaim the name of Jesus, it only matters that you do.

“One name, one name can save

One name breaks every chain

One name, always

One name, Jesus

One name, one name remains

One name, we will proclaim

One name, always

One name”

{“There is Power” by Lincoln Brewster}

*Do you have a personal testimony of a time that speaking His name made things happen in your life? Maybe you saw someone healed or found peace amidst panic? If so, I would love to hear your story :)

*~ a Heavenly invitation ~*

My pastor recently invited me to go with her to an upcoming speaking engagement of hers, where she’ll be teaching on the topic of abiding in His love. I love spending time with her, so I immediately agreed. After I got excited over the simple fact I’d be spending time with her, she then said something along the lines of, “If you have a blog post or something you’ve written that goes along with what I’ll be speaking about, let me know and we can possibly have you share it.” 

I think my heart forgot how to function for a few beats following that statement…

My pastor has a truly beautiful heart, so even though she often causes a riot of butterflies to take flight inside of me when she says stuff like that, I tend to pay attention to it because I know what’s behind the invitation from her. She knows speaking in front of people makes me super nervous, but she also knows it’s something I’m called to do so she doesn’t let my nerves stop her from asking me to speak. God just keeps using her to give me the opportunities to stretch and grow in this area, gently moving me forward into who He has created me to be. 

*Photo found on Pinterest

I didn’t really feel that any of my previous posts went with her specific topic. While I have shared about resting in Him and my peace being in Him, I haven’t written anything with the word “abide” in mind before. I began to feel nervous because I was putting pressure on myself to come up with something for her. I became performance-minded for about two days before my brain kicked back in and I remembered that I only ever want to write what He prompts me to, not what I pressure myself to write.

With the remembering came the surrendering - surrendering my blog back to Him, laying my gifts and talents at His feet, only wanting to use them for His glory, never my own. Where my thoughts had been frantic with trying to figure out what to write, I now have peace because I know that if He wants me to share something, He will supply me with the words to say.

This past Sunday morning after I woke up, while still snuggled in my blankets, I started planning and picturing how my day would go (..does anybody else do that?!) I wanted to take some time to be in prayer over the topic of abiding in Him, so I was picturing myself in our living room praying and asking God, “Do You have something you want me to share with this group of women? Is there a message I should pass on?” Now, I was picturing me doing this, sorta planning it out for the day (not the words, just taking the time to do it), but I wasn’t actually consciously praying in that moment - that didn’t stop God from responding though! He immediately gave me a brief vision while I was laying there…

I saw a beautiful garden that looked like something out of a fairytale dream, 

the colors were so vividly perfect. 

In the middle of this garden there were several small wrought iron tables, 

where women were sitting and having a tea party. 

When I focused on these women, their images kept flickering between adult and child. 

One second I was seeing grown women and the next I was seeing innocent little girls. 

They were all chatting and laughing, soaking in the sunshine and completely at peace.

This seemed such an odd and random thing to pop into my head that I asked God, “Is this from You or is my brain just not awake yet?” He gave me the confirmation that it was indeed Him, I wasn’t just coming up with crazy things in my sleepy brain (always good to know!) I felt like He told me that this was a picture of how it can be when we abide in Him, that it allows us to have that childlike innocence again. That innocence that allowed us to have faith that wasn’t hindered by our head-knowledge or any past experiences, nor by the often disheartening questions of “how?”, “when?”, or “what if..?” A child believes so easily, trusts so completely.

*Photo found on Pinterest, courtesy of capturingivy

Who did we invite to our tea parties when we were little? Our friends! Whether they were people or our stuffed animals and baby dolls, each member was a special guest because they were someone we wanted to share our time with. We wanted them to sit at our {kid-sized} table, drink our {imaginary} tea, and enjoy our {sometimes real} snacks. With the innocence of a child we bestowed invitations on our most beloved friends. That’s what God does too - He gives the invitation to sit at His table and enjoy His banquet treats to His most treasured friends. We are those friends. 

Can you just take a second to let that sink in? He calls us Friend!

When I was doing some research on the word “abide” I saw that one of it’s synonyms listed in the dictionary is “remain”. I really love that word in relation to this topic. It’s when we remain in Him that we rest in a place of peace. He’s a shelter in the midst of life’s storms, where our joy and our hope are protected from the effects of life’s raging that’s happening all around us.

*Photo found on Pinterest

Abiding in His love allows us to truly rest. We are no longer slaves to fear or anxieties, because His perfect love casts out all fear. (1 John 4:18) When we remain in our Shepherd, we lack nothing. (Psalm 23:1) In Him we can have security in the knowledge that we are fully known (1 Corinthians 13:12) and loved with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3) How much freer would we live if we truly grasped these Truths? 

I feel I would be remiss if I didn’t mention anywhere in this post how we abide in Him. We’re told in John 15:9-10(MSG), “I’ve loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you’ll remain (abide) intimately at home in my love. That’s what I’ve done - kept my Father’s commands and made myself at home in his love.” Verses 12 and 17 say, “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. … This is my command: Love each other.”

It’s that simple, yet that profound. Love. The greatest force in the world. Agape Love: selfless, sacrificial, unconditional. The highest of the four types of love in the Bible. It’s the way Jesus loves us. It’s the way we are called to love one another. It’s how we can live a life abiding in Him, remaining in Him.

*Photo found on Pinerest

The Party has been planned.

The guest list was made and your name is written on it. 

The pen? A nail. The ink? His blood, poured out in love for you.

The invitations have been sent out. 

They’re beautifully embossed with an image of a Man hanging on a cross.

The refreshments have been laid out. 

The beverage is Living Water that will leave us thirsting no more (John 4:14).

 The soul-nourishing treats of unfailing love, unending joy, uncontainable hope, and unexplainable peace.

The Hosts are prepared. 

The Father, Son, & Holy Spirit eagerly anticipate dwelling amongst Their guests, Their friends.  

You’ve been invited to come and abide with Him, to remain in Him. 

To rest in Him with childlike abandon.

All is prepared, ready for you to enjoy. 

The choice is yours whether you attend or not.

Friends, knowing everything He’s put into this party for us, I gotta ask… 

why would we say “no”?

*Photo found on Pinterest

[a confession + a testimony]

Just the other day I realized that this past March (3.8.16) marked JRB and I’s one year anniversary of being commissioned as the youth leaders for our church! We’d been hanging out with the teens for several months prior to that, but it was on that Sunday in March that we became official. Wow - It doesn’t feel like it’s been over a year already...

I’ve shared recently about how my chronic illness has brought me to times of questioning God and His plans for my life. I've wrote about how I’ve struggled with knowing there are things He’s called me to do and my frustrations with this body that limits my ability to walk in those things. You can read my posts “Questions and Doubts” and “{i.choose.trust}” for more on that. In this post I want to share with you how my illness doesn’t stop God from fulfilling His plans in my life.

*Photo found on Pinterest

It seems like it was only a couple months ago that JRB and I were sitting down to have the deep discussions about whether or not we should step into the role of youth leaders. Asking the questions, weighing the sacrifices, and praying over whether this was God nudging us to move. Through it all, we were also talking about my fears and worries.

That’s right, Friends. This is my confession: I was seriously scared to step into this role. To make the commitment, to say “yes”, to move forward. It was exciting, sure - but it was also slightly terrifying for me. The fear wasn’t about the role of leader, but rather due to my illness. What would we do if I was too sick to actually be the youth leader that these teens deserve? I spoke with my husband, I spoke with my pastor, and more than them, I spoke with God. I did not want to take this step if it wasn’t 100% clear that this was what He was calling us into.

Through all the conversations, prayers, and discussions it was confirmed for us that this was something we needed to pursue. So we gave our “yes” and stepped out in faith. Where Joyce Meyer’s has given the wise advice to “do it afraid”, my somewhat-joking motto became, “do it sick!”

Time passed, we stepped in to the leadership position, and the evening finally came for our first youth group meeting. About 30-45mins before we needed to be leaving our house, I went into an attack. In a normal time, this isn’t a good thing. On that afternoon, I freaked out because of knowing I needed to be leaving soon. “I can’t be sick right now, I have to go to youth!!” I sent out texts to my prayer warriors, JRB and I prayed, and, in spite of how truly awful I was feeling, we left the house on time. 

Instead of getting better though, I just got worse and worse the longer I was in the car. And I thought, “God.. where are You?!?” This was not a good start to our youth ministry. It only seemed to be adding weight to all my fears and worries that I mentioned earlier.

In the midst of me panicking in the car, we made a plan - if I was too sick to sit in with everyone else, JRB would go ahead with the meeting as if nothing was wrong. He’d just let the teens know I wasn’t feeling good without making a big deal out of it. We continued to pray that I would feel well enough to be with everyone, but we were prepared just in case that wasn’t possible.

We arrived at the church and I immediately went to a room where I could be alone. While JRB was getting everything set up, I was having a severe panic attack and thinking about calling my mom to come take me to the emergency room. My pain had intensified beyond what I could endure without help, and despite how it kept ebbing in and out, the times it was “in” were excruciating. While all of this was going through my head, in the midst of the pain rushing through me, and in between my prayers for God’s help, I was also aware that I needed to make myself go out of that room and greet the teens. If I was capable of nothing else, I at least needed to be there to welcome them on that first night.

So I took a deep breath, prayed for strength, and walked out the door despite the severe pain and nausea. Immediately upon entering the hallway that would lead me to everyone, I saw one of our teens walking towards me. Filled with a desire to be upbeat and welcoming to him, I put a smile on my face and called out to him cheerfully, “Hey! I’m so glad you’re here! How are you?”

You guys, the very instant that I acknowledged him, I was healed. 

H.E.A.L.E.D.! 

*Photo found on Pinterest

“The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life!” (Job 33:4)

From one step to the next, my pain and nausea were gone. It’s like I passed through a veil, where on one side I was sick and on the other I was pain free. I walked into our youth meeting, sat down and chatted with everyone, and was able to stay for the whole service. Not only did I stay, though, I felt good!

In that room I was crying out, “God, I need You to show up. I need You to help me. I can’t do this on my own. I know You’ve called me to this, now I need You to give me the ability to do it. Please, God, I need You!” Friends, did He ever answer that prayer!

As I was reflecting back on the meeting later that night after I was home, I realized something. In the very instant that I needed it, God took away my pain. Leading up to that moment, I wanted Him to take my pain away, but it was the moment that I came into contact with one of our teens - the reason I was there, the very person God had called me to serve - it was then that I truly needed Him to heal me. When the want became a need, He stepped in.

This is what I know: God may not always give me what I want, but He will always supply me with what I need. “You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even ours in the glory that pours from Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19)

I’ve placed a mental Stone of Remembrance in this place in my mind to help me remember that God will help me as I live in this ministry. As JRB and I continue to pour our hearts into these amazing teens whom we’ve come to love so quickly, I often find myself reflecting back on that very first youth service. When I have my flare ups that interfere with M.180 (our youth ministry), I remind myself that nothing is impossible for God. My illness is not greater than Him, my sickness is no match for His power. So I move forward in faith - honored to know and lead these students, humbled to serve them with my husband - placing my trust in Him and knowing that this is exactly what He has called us to do.

*Photo found on Pinterest

“Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus…” (Hebrews 12:1)

In the book of Luke, starting in verse 26 of chapter 8, we’re given a story of when Jesus restores a demon possessed man. The story starts when Jesus stepped out of his boat onto land and was immediately met with this crazed man who fell down at his feet. The demons recognized the power of Jesus and, once in His presence, could do nothing but bow down to Him. Later we see Jesus cast the demons into a herd of pigs that were nearby, leaving the man free and in his right mind. The people who witnessed this became afraid and asked Jesus to leave them, so He did. The man who had been freed from the demons wanted to go with Him, but Jesus had a different task for him. In verse 39 He tells him, “Return home and tell how much God has done for you.”

That is the whole point of this post. I wrote all this because I have been feeling the push to tell you how much my God has done for me, in the same way that once demon possessed man was told to do. God’s goodness is not something we should keep silent about.

Friends, my God is good. All the time, He is good! My illness, this pain that I live with day in and day out, the future that seems to hold no medical discoveries for me - these things are not great enough to make me doubt my God’s goodness. Life is hard and some mornings I don’t even feel like I can get out of bed, let alone face what the day holds. But still I choose to trust, because my God has shown Himself faithful. No matter what life throws at me, knowing that He is on my side, I can stand strong and boldly declare, “Bring it on!”

I have no idea what the situation you’re in looks like or what circumstance you’re facing, - illness, divorce, financial difficulties, broken friendships… Whatever it is, I encourage you to pause and take a deep breath, then once again look at it through the eyes of Truth - your God is for you and He is with you. Look at whatever’s going on in life, call on His name, boldly stand up in the midst of the hardships, and confidently declare that God.is.good!

*Photo found on Pinterest

“Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see - how good God is. Blessed are you who run to him.” (Psalm 34:8)

{i.choose.trust}

Some days it seems that writing this blog is more like a wrestling match. There are things I want to share, but I can’t get the words organized and lined up the way I feel they should go. I type and delete and retype only to once again give thanks for that blessed delete key. My mind goes around and around what I’m trying to say, but my fingers don't type it out correctly. The message feels jumbled, the post ineffective.

I find this happens most when I’m writing in regards to my health. Often times I feel odd writing posts about my illness, sharing with the world what’s going on with my body because I tend to think, “how is this going to help anyone?” But through the feedback I’ve received in person and through you, the readers’, comments, I’m being told that sharing about this part of my life does in fact encourage others. So I’ll write this post and pray that someone somewhere finds hope nestled inside of it.

*Photo found on Pinterest

Having said all that, this post has been a real struggle for me to create. I actually began writing it several weeks ago, but the flow just wasn’t happening for me. I ended up walking away from it, trusting that something would spark my brain and the words would start to flow. And you know what? It did!

Have you heard Lauren Daigle’s, “Trust in You” song? First, I absolutely love this woman’s voice. Second, if you haven’t heard it, I encourage you to give it a listen. (You’re going to get a preview of it because I’m gonna share the beautiful lyrics throughout this post. Wink, wink…) Last, I’ve claimed this song as my life’s theme song [because if a movie can have a theme song, then why not me too?] With every word in every line, she sings the desire of my heart. With her voice, Ms. Daigle declares what my heart has been whispering, “no matter what, Father, I will still trust You.”

I’ve tried to win this war, I confess

My hands are weary, I need Your rest

Mighty Warrior, King of the fight

No matter what I face, You’re by my side

I’ve come to realize that it would be really easy for me to become depressed and despondent in my current circumstances. Although most of the time my chronic illness isn’t life threatening, it is always life limiting. There’s a lot in life that I miss out on due to my body’s inability to work correctly. There are many times I must say “no” to opportunities even though I strongly desire to say “yes”. It would really be quite simple for me to be angry and resentful. Quite easy, indeed. Along with that realization, I discovered another one - people actually expect me to feel this way. Not because of who I am personally, but because it’s what the world has conditioned us to do - when life treats us unfair, we’re taught to get angry and strike back. 

There was a time when I did. I got angry. I questioned and doubted His plans. I felt overlooked, forgotten. I yelled and shook my fists at the heavens, begging for Him to take all the pain away. Asking over and over, “why, God, why won’t You heal me??” I had dreams, things I felt like He was calling me to do - so why did He give me this broken body that caused me to be unable to do them?! Outwardly I may have appeared calm, but inside I was so mad. I withdrew into myself, because life just hurt too much.

I’m generally a happy person. I’m much more apt to give you a smile over a scowl, to laugh before I cry. My go-to emotions aren’t normally of the negative variety. I have them, I just don’t make a habit of living from them. Why am I telling you this? So that you’ll understand this next part: Being angry was exhausting. All that questioning and doubting took up too much energy. I wasn’t created to be a victim, so operating in that mentality completely wore me out. I missed being happy and smiling. Not the fake ones I’d been giving, but the genuine stuff. I missed simply being me. 

For awhile, I think that’s what I resented most about my illness - over everything else I’d lost because of it, out of all the many things I felt robbed of due to my sickness, the worst thing was feeling like it stole me. I missed me.

You are my strength and comfort

You are my steady hand

You are my firm foundation; the Rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher

Your plans are always good

There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

Here I am, eons later {really it’s just years, but it sure feels like eons at times!} still enduring new doctors who perform more tests only to receive unhelpful results. They then give me new treatment plans to try which leads to me having panic attacks (and I don’t say that in jest, panic attacks are no joking matter.) After I begin the new medicine, it's not long before I’m having to contact the doctors again to explain that this new plan isn’t working, rather it is making me far worse. My family goes on alert, ready to “babysit” me if I get to the point where it’s no longer safe for me to be left alone. I spend chunks of my time sitting on our couch with a heating pad, missing out on life, because the latest treatment plan has kicked my booty. Back in 2010/2011, these circumstances would’ve made me really angry. Or, more accurately, these circumstances did make me really angry. But now, I have peace.

*Photo found on Pinterest

“What made the difference?”, you may wonder. T-r-u-s-t. Trust. Remembering that I can trust Him, no matter what my circumstances are. It sounds simple, but the action of it is hard. I struggled for months before I arrived at a place of surrender. Letting go of all I was feeling, stopping my demands for answers, that wasn’t easy. Goodness gracious, no. But when my heart whispered it’s fervent prayer, “Help me, God. Help me to trust You”, He answered it.

Letting go of every single dream

I lay each one down at Your feet

Every moment of my wandering

Never changes what You see

While my prayers for healing have not yet been answered, my prayers for peace have.

I have no idea what the next step is, but I have peace knowing that He’s with me in each step I take. I don’t know how long my body can endure all this pain and trauma, but I have peace because I know He will get me through each attack that He wills I survive. I still have questions, yet I have peace about not knowing the answers because I know that He does. The future at times looks very scary, but even in that, I have peace because I know He’s already there.

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings

There’s not a day ahead You have not seen

So, in all things be my life and breath

I want what You want, Lord, and nothing less

Maybe you’re now at that place of questioning and doubting. Maybe you find yourself in times of despair more often than you feel moments of joy.

May I share with you a truth that really helped me? Perhaps, it won’t really faze you. But maybe, just maybe, it will impact one of you the way it did me. Because it’s when I really grasped onto and believed this truth that I was able to step out from under the bleakness of the lies I’d been influenced by.

We were not promised an easy life.

*Photo found on Pinterest

James 1:2 (NLT) says, “…when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.” I think somewhere along the way we started reading the Scripture that speaks of Jesus’ yoke being easy and His burden being light as if it’s saying that if we follow Him we’ll have an easy life. Free of burdens. That the big, bad stuff won’t touch us, we’ll be insulated from it all. That’s not what the Scriptures say though, Friends. That verse in James says when not if. Then in Acts 9:16, we read that when God told the prophet Ananias to go to Saul (who would then become Paul), He said, “…I will show him how much he must suffer for My name.” And suffer he did! Paul did not at all have an easy life. And thank God he didn’t, because think of how many books of the Bible we wouldn’t have - all those life-changing teachings he wrote in the midst of his pain and suffering.

We tend to think we’re disqualified from serving the King when we face our trials, but the Truth is that He can use us in amazing and mighty ways right where we're at. It’s in the trials when we must choose - do we keep wrestling and trying to do it all on our own or do we surrender and depend solely on Him? When we choose surrender and dependency on Him, it gives Him free reign to use us and our circumstances however He sees fit. And use us He will. It doesn’t mean He immediately removes us from the battle, it means we invite Him to fight the battle with us, through us, for us and to use it all for His glory.

When our hearts are so full of grumbles about not living the life we think we deserve, we’re unable to give thanks for the one we do have. When we hold on so tightly to our vision of what our lives should look like, our hands are too full to grab hold of the reality of the incredible life He has given us. We get so busy telling God how we want our lives to go, that we forget to ask Him how He wants them to be.

*Photo found on Pinterest

We were not created to be victims, Friends, so let’s stop living as if we were. We’re no longer captives, our King paid our ransom. Our chains of bondage have been broken, we’ve been set free. No matter what our circumstances may be telling us, we.are.free! That doesn’t mean we’ll never feel pain or face dark days. Sorrows will come our way, but they don’t have to rob us of our joy and peace, of our hope.

May we learn to see our trials as beautiful platforms for His glory to be seen. May we begin to see our hard stuff as wonderful opportunities for His Love to save the day. May we begin to rejoice in our weaknesses because they highlight His strength. May we no longer be so concerned with our temporary pains that we’re unable to see them as chances for Kingdom growth.

It’s a journey, Friends. A beautiful adventure filled with surprises and mysteries. The rainbows will always come, but when the rain is still falling and the storm has yet to pass, I pray your heart will join mine in this beautiful chorus, announcing and proclaiming, “No matter what, Father, I will still trust You.”

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust. I will trust. I will trust in You!

a letter to Wonderful You

Dear You,

Beautiful. Precious. Marvelous you.

*Image available for sale on Etsy 

Yes, I mean you. The one who's using a smile to mask the pain you're in these days. Something has you feeling so overwhelmed and you're afraid this torment is just never going to end. The only reason you smile is because you don't want the world to see you crying. “Never let ‘em see you cry” is your motto.

I see you, Friend. I see you there putting on a happy face and trying to fool the world. I see the real you, the one behind the forced smile, the one who doesn't feel like smiling at all. I see the tears pooling in your eyes, the ones you're fighting so hard to keep from falling. I see you standing so tall and proud, appearing unaffected to those who don't really see you. And I see the hurt that comes when those same eyes look over you, around you, beyond you but never at you like you need them to.

There's a plea for help in every, "I'm fine" that you mutter. There's so much pain behind your forced laughter. And every sigh that passes through your lips has a silent scream nestled inside. 

Getting up each morning is a struggle because you're not certain you're strong enough to get through another day. Life doesn't stop because of your heartache though so you face this new day with your mask firmly in place before stepping out into the world. This is a burden you bear alone, nobody else is allowed behind your shield of fake happiness. Only when you're by yourself do you let down your guard. It’s only when there is no chance of discovery that you finally let yourself feel. You've cried so many tears it seems you should've run out of liquid by now but somehow your body still keeps leaking more...

Sound familiar to you? Perhaps you’re the you I’m writing this letter to. And maybe you’re now wondering how I know these things. The answer is simple: I see myself in your haunted eyes. The image in your iris is a reflection of a girl I used to see daily in the mirror. You think I’ve just described you, when the truth is I really just described myself.

I used to feel so alone in my heartache. While there were people who knew what was going on, there were still things I wasn’t telling anyone. Pain I was feeling that I was trying to protect others from. Because when I hurt, the ones who love me hurt too. I was trying to shield them as much as I could. 

And God, He felt so far away. I still believed the Truth that says He’s always with me, always near, but I couldn’t feel Him. There were days it felt like Heaven had closed it’s ears, that my prayers were just bouncing off the sky. My faith felt so little, so weak. As if one more bad thing happening would cause me to lose my grip. I clung tightly to Him, praying He’d hold tight to me too if my grip should start to slip.

The enemy of my soul was on the war path. He had a mission: destroy me. Separate me from God. Do whatever he could to cause me to turn away from my Abba. Because he wants to derail God’s plan from unfolding in the lives of God’s children. He doesn’t want us walking in our God-given destinies. He doesn’t want us to fulfill the purposes and tasks God has set before us. So he attacks us, waging war on our minds and bodies, looking for any little crack where he can slip in and start releasing his filth into our lives.

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” (Ephesians 6:12)

They say hindsight is 20/20 and I’m inclined to believe them {whoever they are…?} Because while I was going through that bleak time in my life, I couldn’t see God in the midst of the struggle, but now that I’ve moved beyond it, I can look back and see His presence all over it. His light was piercing the darkness, despite my mind’s eye being blind to it happening.

A shaft of light shone in every time Momma wrapped me in a hug.

God whispered He loved me each time the phrase left my dad’s lips.

He was there in a stranger’s smile, in my horses’ happy neighs of greeting.

The random texts from friends that offered encouragement and prayers.

Each time my sister sacrificed her time alone to be with me instead.

He moved through my brother’s actions, him being Jesus with skin on (as my pastor likes to say.)

He comforted me in my snuggles with my dogs.

He used the mundane, the ordinary, the every-day moments. He didn’t answer my prayers in one big obvious way, but rather in a thousand little hidden ones. Heaven’s ears were never closed to me. He was moving and working on my behalf the whole time.

Darling One, He’s doing the same for you. You may not be able to see it now, but He’s got great things in store for you. You’ve been toiling and fighting so long, trying to get where you need to be. Maybe the fight’s been going on so long that you’ve given up and let go of faith. Maybe you’ve bought into the enemies lies that God’s given up and let go of you. Or perhaps you’ve never even spoken to Jesus before, but you’ve begun to feel a desire to. 

Do you know what one of my favorite things about Jesus is? It’s that He meets us right where we are. All we have to do is call on His name and He is there. There is no journey to get there, no list of tests we must first pass. We don’t have to qualify or prove we’re good enough. He wants us. He wants you, the you you are right.this.minute. He loves us. He loves you. You. Exactly as you are.

My husband’s working on different home projects while I write this post. He has music playing out in the kitchen and David Crowder’s song, “Come As You Are” just came on. How fitting these lyrics for this post…

Come out of sadness

From wherever you’ve been

Come broken hearted

Let rescue begin

Come find your mercy

Oh sinner, come kneel

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can’t heal

Life may be hard right now and you may be struggling to see the light. It may feel like there’s no end in sight, but I want you to know something, Lovely One - there is hope. He is Hope.

That Hope is available to you. Along with His peace that passes all understanding, His joy that holds true despite life’s sorrows. He has so much He wants to give you. All you have to do is reach out and grab hold.

Tell me, Friend… what have you got to lose?

*Photo found on Pinterest

[[[If you’ve never met Jesus before, I encourage you to look up the “Roman Road to Salvation”. It’s a compilation of Scriptures that walk you through the journey of surrendering to Him. If after reading it you still have questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I’d love to help you if I can.]]]

[a c k n o w l e d g e d]

I received the call while I was cleaning stalls on April 1st. It was a call I had been expecting, one I'd been waiting for. It was my doctor's office calling to give me my latest test results. 

"I have your results here and I just wanted to let you know that everything came back normal. It looks good…. everything's fine."

By the tone of her voice I could tell she believed she was delivering good news. I put a smile in my own voice and quietly thanked her. After hanging up, I sank down into the hay trough  and gave freedom to the tears that had accumulated behind my lids.

Maybe to a healthy person, someone who's rarely sick and who had these tests done due to abnormal pain, this phone call would've been very welcome. To them the news probably would've brought relief. They're fine, it's nothing serious, this is going to heal and pass and they can return to life pain-free. Nothing to worry about, everything's good.

To me the call was devastating. The news this woman was passing on to me was not good, but rather disheartening. I didn't have the tests done due to abnormal pain, I had them done due to daily pain. Even while she was telling me that it was all fine, my body was in pain and letting me know that it, in fact, was not fine. With a few sentences, I felt as though I'd been emotionally and mentally beaten up. 

I've been sick my whole life. I'm twenty-five years old and I have no idea what it's like to be healthy, to live an illness free life. My days are filled with pain that the doctor's can't figure out. My body has attacks that have no explanation. I have no diagnosis and so far I have no earthly cure.

For a healthy person and a person living with a chronic illness, this news causes vastly different reactions. For the healthy ones it's probably comforting news. The doctors could prescribe them some medicine to help with the problem and in a few days/weeks they'll be back to normal. They can look ahead and see an end to the pain. This is a good thing!

For those like myself, though, it's the opposite. The words tell us that the medical professionals still have no idea what's wrong, on paper we appear healthy. Being told everything came back normal is like a blow because we know that's not the case - what’s happening in our bodies isn’t normal. 

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*Photo found on Pinterest

I’ve been feeling the itch to write again, having that desire to type words onto my screen and see where they take me. Ideas are swirling in my head, memories are surfacing of things I could blog about. There’s so much brewing in my mind, so many posts being mentally written… yet, today, none of them felt right. I couldn’t get the jumble to separate enough for me to get a clear idea on a certain topic, which was frustrating. So I prayed, “God, what would You have me write about?” 

Then, in hopes of getting some inspiration, I started going through my “blog drafts” file. The one that’s full of posts I’ve started, things I’ve written that haven’t yet come to fruition. I was hoping it’d spark an idea, highlight a specific path for me to wander down.

It did.

What you read above is one of those unfinished posts. If you noticed, I said I was twenty-five. I’m now twenty-seven. And yet… I could’ve written those very same words yesterday. Two years later and my chronic illness still remains. The tests keep saying the same thing which means the ladies on the phone also keep passing on the same message. “The tests came back normal. Your levels all look good. You’re fine.”

It can get pretty discouraging at times. Having my body constantly screaming one thing at me while the tests all tell the doctors something entirely different can take its toll. What’s even more disheartening though is when those doctors start to believe their tests more than me and refuse to look any further. The pathway may be altered, but the destination is the same - a search for a new doctor who will {hopefully} believe me.

You see, after a while, most doctors tend to believe I’m making it all up. That I’m just seeking attention or saying it’s worse than it really is. Most. Not all of them, but most. I’ve been sent for psych evals to determine whether I’m doing all this to myself, sent to a specialist to have them decide whether I have an eating disorder or not. After talking with me and having me answer their many questions, they tell me they’re not really sure why I’m there to see them. I just shrug and say, “Me neither.” 

When I began to refuse to just take whatever drugs the doctors wanted to try me on, they in turn started informing me they could no longer help me. When I started telling them I want to know what’s wrong with me and fix it, not just take random medicine to cover it up (medicine that makes it worse, not better) they grew annoyed with me. One doctor told me that eventually I’m going to have to just accept the diagnosis they’re giving me and let it go, even though the diagnosis he spoke of was “we-can’t-figure-out-what’s-wrong-with-you-so-we’re-just-calling-it-this”. He then went on to tell my mom that if I was his daughter, he wouldn’t continue to put me through all these tests. He’d accept what the tests are saying and move on. I’m fairly certain her reply was something along the lines of, “Then thank God she’s not your daughter.” My momma, my champion <3

To my fellow compatriots in this unkind land known as Chronic Illness, I feel your pain. To those of you who struggle daily yet have no diagnosis, I understand your frustrations. To the ones who feel like your sickness gets downplayed or even overlooked because it has no official title, my heart shares that hurt. To the people who’ve been made to feel as if their pain doesn’t matter, I want you to know that it does.

There have been moments in this fight with my illness where I’ve felt inferior to those who have a diagnosis. When people ask what’s wrong with me, my reply of, “I have a chronic illness” is so frustrating to me. I want the title that will tell them what I’m struggling with. I want the diagnosis that gives them a glimpse into my daily fight. Being able to only call it a chronic illness feels like I’m just constantly telling people I have a stomach ache, as if I ate too many jelly beans and it will pass.

People who have their diagnosis, the ones whose sickness has a name, used to intimidate me. Their disease is recognized, their fight known. Their illness had primacy in my eyes. My pain simply didn’t measure up to theirs.

You may be wondering by now why I’m sharing all this with you. Several years ago I read John Bevere’s, “Honor’s Reward” and it changed something in my heart. It awoke a need in me to honor the people in my life. It brought to life a desire to make sure that people know when they’ve made an impact on me. Everything I’ve shared with you so far was to get me to this point - the place of extending honor to a man whose words touched my heart in a very deep way.

Dear Mr. You,

We prayed for you in church that morning. The pastors had you and two other gentleman in need of healing come forward for prayer. As a church family, we extended our hands and lifted up our voices on your behalf.

I know about your illness. I’ve received the email updates on your progress. You’re highlighted to us as one to continue to lift up in prayer for your healing. You’ve been called upon to share about your fight with your illness, about what God’s revealed to your heart throughout this journey. Despite the disease that’s wreaked it’s havoc on your body, you’ve stood in front of us and proclaimed that God is good and He is faithful. I’m aware of your illness, your treatments, your fight.

I had no idea you were aware of mine. 

The prayer ended. The children went off to Kids Ministry Zone. Greeting time came. You walked straight towards me, reached for my hand, and said, “You should’ve been up there.” At first I had no idea what you were talking about. I just smiled and kind of chuckled. But then it hit me.

You, a man who has his diagnosis and whose disease is recognized - you were acknowledging my illness. By uttering those five words to me, you were placing us on the same level. In so few words you let me know that you don’t place my struggle beneath your own. In your own way, you gave recognition and voice to your belief that I had a place up there alongside those battling cancer and other serious things.

Mr. You, your words haven’t left my mind. For that whole week following, I couldn’t get them out of my head. First I was astonished, then I was humbled. My heart was filled with such warmth, all because you acknowledged my pain. Your words haven’t stopped resonating within me. Thank you. A million times, thank you. I am so grateful to you for walking over to me on that Sunday morning. It’s a moment I won’t forget.

Because in your words, God had tucked a message for my soul. Through your voice, I know my Father spoke. The same words my ears heard from your lips, my heart heard from my Abba’s.

God sees my pain. He sees the struggle, He knows my frustrations. He hears my hearts cry, He catches every tear. God sees my pain. And He acknowledges it.

My pain is not inferior in His eyes. My struggle and fight are no less important to Him. My lack of a diagnosis doesn’t hold any sway over Him. He created me, He knit me together in Momma’s womb. He knows me inside and out, He’s counted the very numbers of hair on my head. There is no moment where I walk this journey alone, for He is with me. Always with me. 

What a glorious comfort there is in being reminded of that Truth. Such a sweet peace...

For those of you who are facing a fight with illness, God sees your pain. For those who are struggling to keep your marriages afloat, God sees your hurt. For those who are working yourselves ragged to provide for your families, God sees your struggle. For those fighting despair because you’re without an income, God sees your need. 

Friends, I don’t know what it is you may be facing in this season of life, but He does. He sees, He knows. And He acknowledges it. You are never in the fight alone. For He is with you. Always with you.

I pray reading that Truth ushers in a renewal of your spirit, Dear Ones. May you inhale His peace and exhale His joy, inhale His love for you and exhale His delight in you. May you be reminded of the undeniable Truth that He is good and He is faithful. May you be able to shut out the voices of your circumstances and listen closely to the beautiful voice of the One Who knows you by name. Child, you are His <3

*Photo found on Pinterest

“Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and I will help you.

I will uphold you with My victorious right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)