Just the other day I realized that this past March (3.8.16) marked JRB and I’s one year anniversary of being commissioned as the youth leaders for our church! We’d been hanging out with the teens for several months prior to that, but it was on that Sunday in March that we became official. Wow - It doesn’t feel like it’s been over a year already...
I’ve shared recently about how my chronic illness has brought me to times of questioning God and His plans for my life. I've wrote about how I’ve struggled with knowing there are things He’s called me to do and my frustrations with this body that limits my ability to walk in those things. You can read my posts “Questions and Doubts” and “{i.choose.trust}” for more on that. In this post I want to share with you how my illness doesn’t stop God from fulfilling His plans in my life.
*Photo found on Pinterest
It seems like it was only a couple months ago that JRB and I were sitting down to have the deep discussions about whether or not we should step into the role of youth leaders. Asking the questions, weighing the sacrifices, and praying over whether this was God nudging us to move. Through it all, we were also talking about my fears and worries.
That’s right, Friends. This is my confession: I was seriously scared to step into this role. To make the commitment, to say “yes”, to move forward. It was exciting, sure - but it was also slightly terrifying for me. The fear wasn’t about the role of leader, but rather due to my illness. What would we do if I was too sick to actually be the youth leader that these teens deserve? I spoke with my husband, I spoke with my pastor, and more than them, I spoke with God. I did not want to take this step if it wasn’t 100% clear that this was what He was calling us into.
Through all the conversations, prayers, and discussions it was confirmed for us that this was something we needed to pursue. So we gave our “yes” and stepped out in faith. Where Joyce Meyer’s has given the wise advice to “do it afraid”, my somewhat-joking motto became, “do it sick!”
Time passed, we stepped in to the leadership position, and the evening finally came for our first youth group meeting. About 30-45mins before we needed to be leaving our house, I went into an attack. In a normal time, this isn’t a good thing. On that afternoon, I freaked out because of knowing I needed to be leaving soon. “I can’t be sick right now, I have to go to youth!!” I sent out texts to my prayer warriors, JRB and I prayed, and, in spite of how truly awful I was feeling, we left the house on time.
Instead of getting better though, I just got worse and worse the longer I was in the car. And I thought, “God.. where are You?!?” This was not a good start to our youth ministry. It only seemed to be adding weight to all my fears and worries that I mentioned earlier.
In the midst of me panicking in the car, we made a plan - if I was too sick to sit in with everyone else, JRB would go ahead with the meeting as if nothing was wrong. He’d just let the teens know I wasn’t feeling good without making a big deal out of it. We continued to pray that I would feel well enough to be with everyone, but we were prepared just in case that wasn’t possible.
We arrived at the church and I immediately went to a room where I could be alone. While JRB was getting everything set up, I was having a severe panic attack and thinking about calling my mom to come take me to the emergency room. My pain had intensified beyond what I could endure without help, and despite how it kept ebbing in and out, the times it was “in” were excruciating. While all of this was going through my head, in the midst of the pain rushing through me, and in between my prayers for God’s help, I was also aware that I needed to make myself go out of that room and greet the teens. If I was capable of nothing else, I at least needed to be there to welcome them on that first night.
So I took a deep breath, prayed for strength, and walked out the door despite the severe pain and nausea. Immediately upon entering the hallway that would lead me to everyone, I saw one of our teens walking towards me. Filled with a desire to be upbeat and welcoming to him, I put a smile on my face and called out to him cheerfully, “Hey! I’m so glad you’re here! How are you?”
You guys, the very instant that I acknowledged him, I was healed.
H.E.A.L.E.D.!
*Photo found on Pinterest
“The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life!” (Job 33:4)
From one step to the next, my pain and nausea were gone. It’s like I passed through a veil, where on one side I was sick and on the other I was pain free. I walked into our youth meeting, sat down and chatted with everyone, and was able to stay for the whole service. Not only did I stay, though, I felt good!
In that room I was crying out, “God, I need You to show up. I need You to help me. I can’t do this on my own. I know You’ve called me to this, now I need You to give me the ability to do it. Please, God, I need You!” Friends, did He ever answer that prayer!
As I was reflecting back on the meeting later that night after I was home, I realized something. In the very instant that I needed it, God took away my pain. Leading up to that moment, I wanted Him to take my pain away, but it was the moment that I came into contact with one of our teens - the reason I was there, the very person God had called me to serve - it was then that I truly needed Him to heal me. When the want became a need, He stepped in.
This is what I know: God may not always give me what I want, but He will always supply me with what I need. “You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even ours in the glory that pours from Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19)
I’ve placed a mental Stone of Remembrance in this place in my mind to help me remember that God will help me as I live in this ministry. As JRB and I continue to pour our hearts into these amazing teens whom we’ve come to love so quickly, I often find myself reflecting back on that very first youth service. When I have my flare ups that interfere with M.180 (our youth ministry), I remind myself that nothing is impossible for God. My illness is not greater than Him, my sickness is no match for His power. So I move forward in faith - honored to know and lead these students, humbled to serve them with my husband - placing my trust in Him and knowing that this is exactly what He has called us to do.
*Photo found on Pinterest
“Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus…” (Hebrews 12:1)
In the book of Luke, starting in verse 26 of chapter 8, we’re given a story of when Jesus restores a demon possessed man. The story starts when Jesus stepped out of his boat onto land and was immediately met with this crazed man who fell down at his feet. The demons recognized the power of Jesus and, once in His presence, could do nothing but bow down to Him. Later we see Jesus cast the demons into a herd of pigs that were nearby, leaving the man free and in his right mind. The people who witnessed this became afraid and asked Jesus to leave them, so He did. The man who had been freed from the demons wanted to go with Him, but Jesus had a different task for him. In verse 39 He tells him, “Return home and tell how much God has done for you.”
That is the whole point of this post. I wrote all this because I have been feeling the push to tell you how much my God has done for me, in the same way that once demon possessed man was told to do. God’s goodness is not something we should keep silent about.
Friends, my God is good. All the time, He is good! My illness, this pain that I live with day in and day out, the future that seems to hold no medical discoveries for me - these things are not great enough to make me doubt my God’s goodness. Life is hard and some mornings I don’t even feel like I can get out of bed, let alone face what the day holds. But still I choose to trust, because my God has shown Himself faithful. No matter what life throws at me, knowing that He is on my side, I can stand strong and boldly declare, “Bring it on!”
I have no idea what the situation you’re in looks like or what circumstance you’re facing, - illness, divorce, financial difficulties, broken friendships… Whatever it is, I encourage you to pause and take a deep breath, then once again look at it through the eyes of Truth - your God is for you and He is with you. Look at whatever’s going on in life, call on His name, boldly stand up in the midst of the hardships, and confidently declare that God.is.good!
*Photo found on Pinterest
“Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see - how good God is. Blessed are you who run to him.” (Psalm 34:8)
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