[ d r e a m e r ]

Dreamer:

One that dreams.

- a dreamer is one who lives in a world of fancy and imagination (according to Merriam-Webster)

I’ve always thought of a dreamer more as:

-  one who allows their heart the freedom to wish for things that their mind deems illogical or impractical. 

Growing up I had lots of dreams, as most kids do. The dreams fluctuated and changed as the years passed, which is to be expected as a child becomes an adult.

When I was little I dreamt of flying to Neverland with Peter Pan and meeting all the Lost Boys. I also wanted to explore the ocean with Flounder and Sebastian by my side. Before I developed a fear of heights, I wished to take a magic carpet ride with Genie and Abu.

I moved on from dreaming of meeting my Disney friends and dreamt of living in a musical instead, ‘cause I thought it’d be the coolest thing for everyone to just break out into spontaneous (yet perfectly choreographed) song and dance. It changed to me being a famous singer. Then of being a dancer, because watching people tell a story by dancing was fascinating to me. 

In my teen years, I began to dream of being an inspirational speaker, one who would share an encouraging message to large groups of people. Then I realized that would require me standing in front of said large groups of people and started to question whether I really wanted that dream or not…

I think back on all those dreams I had growing up and it makes me smile. Some of them were silly and only lasted for a short time, while others stuck in my heart for years. What I love though is looking back and being able to call the girl I was a Dreamer.

I think somewhere along the road of growing up, a majority of us adults start to believe that dreaming is only for little kids. We become far too busy with adulting - going to work, paying bills, etc. - to spend time dreaming. We reel our heart back in, tapering off its freedom to wish for the fantastical. 

Friends, we've got to stop doing that. It’s time we let our hearts free to dream once again.

If Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Edison had never dreamt, we could still be sitting in the dark. If the Wright brothers had only stuck with thinking in the realm of practical, we probably wouldn’t have JRB’s airplane currently residing in our hangar. And what if Martin Luther King, Jr had never had a dream?

While our time as little kids has passed, our call to be Dreamers has not.

Over the past year and a half, I’ve been more intentional about paying attention to the things my heart is dreaming of. God’s been calling me to dream bigger and, to do that, I need to be aware of what I’m even dreaming of to begin with. I have to shut off my brain from trying to figure out if these dreams are even possible and just listen to what my heart is wishing for.

I’m dreaming of writing a book.

- when God first gave me this desire and dream, I've got to admit, I balked pretty hard. I didn’t think I was the right person for the job because I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to read a whole book written by me. Plus, what on earth would I write?! Now, after much prayer and many conversations with those close to me, I’m learning to simply embrace the dream. Within the embracing, the dream is growing. Now I have ideas for multiple books bubbling inside of me… Maybe giving my heart the freedom to just dream will lead to y’all seeing a book by new author A. Blair on the shelves someday soon.

I’m dreaming of being an editor.

- this past year I was presented with an amazing opportunity to edit a dear friend’s book. I’d never done any editing before, but they enjoyed my writing so much that they asked me if I’d be interested. I was really nervous at first, but now I’m totally loving the process. The fact that I’m being paid to do one of my most favorite things (read) is a major blessing. Because of my chronic illness, I’m not able to work outside the home, so it’s a total God-kiss to be able to contribute financially in this way. I’ve found that I enjoy editing so much, that my heart now wishes for more books to come my way.

I’m dreaming of becoming a mom.

- the wording of this dream is pretty important. All my life I’ve dreamt of being a mom, but now my heart is dreaming of becoming one. For me, this dream will come through the beauty of adoption. The more my brain gets involved in finding information and trying to figure out the way to make this happen, the more impossible this dream looks. I refuse to let it go, though, refuse to cut my heart off from dreaming of one day holding my own child(ren). So, while my brain’s part in all of this is important, I’m going to listen closely to my heart and keep praying over and pressing into this dream. Who knows? Maybe writing these words and sharing them with you is the step that’s needed to lead a birth mother to JRB and I, either from her reading this herself or from one of you connecting her to us. I can’t even describe to you the level of awesome that would be!

We all have dreams. We may not be aware of what all of them are yet, but we all have dreams inside of us. Each one having value and worth. No dream is inconsequential. We have no idea the future impact our dreams of the present day may have.

Maybe one of the books I'm dreaming of writing is exactly the book someone else needs to read to find the courage and hope to continue living this life. Maybe my dream of editing is the solution to us having the finances to finish building our home, relieving JRB from a financial weight. And while I don’t dream of being president, maybe the child my heart is longing for will one day hold that title.

Your dreams are important. They could lead to curing cancer or reducing pollution, making traveling easier or helping to stop bullying. Those things tend to seem impossible and maybe they are... until a Dreamer like you dreams of a way to change it.

Maybe a new definition should be created... 

Dreamer:

One who changes the world

You hold dreams inside of you that the world needs you to dream. So take a break from thinking of all the logical and practical things and just let your heart wish for something fantastical.

*Image created using pablo.buffer

Go ahead, Dreamer, and dream those seemingly impossible dreams…

N o t. M y. W i l l.

*I know You’re good,

but this don’t feel good right now…

I looked into JRB's eyes with tears streaming down my cheeks and said, “I don’t even know why I’m crying right now!”

Have you ever had a moment like that? A time when the emotions flip and it leaves you wondering what just happened. I experienced it several months ago. One moment I was staring into the face of the one I so deeply love, smiling at him and enjoying a quiet moment in the midst of our chaos, then in the next breath I was having a total emotional breakdown. A deep, gasping-for-breath type of crying. Though he had no idea what just triggered the drastic change, JRB gathered me into his arms, held me close, and offered me comfort for my pain.

As I clutched him tight and leaked my tears all over him, I cried out, “I don’t want to be sick anymore!”

Normally I can handle my chronic illness with grace and acceptance. I’m not the type to dwell on the negative nor do I go through my days with a woe-is-me mentality. I don’t ever enjoy being sick, but I try to give thanks in it and live according to James 1:2&3 -

*Photo found on Pinterest

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 

because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”

This past summer I struggled with that, though. I was worn down and felt like I had nothing else to give. It all felt too big in those months, too much for me to keep dealing with.

I had a couple procedures done in June of 2016 that were pretty traumatic. The prep involved for one of the tests put me into a severe attack. In my recent post, “~ Another Year Older ~” I shared some of the details about that time; how my husband and parents rushed me to the ER, about their fear of losing me. You can read my previous post if you'd like to know more of that story.

Being the sick person, the one who feels as if I’m dying is in no way easy. But a part of me thinks, that in moments like those we went through back in June, it’s harder on the ones who love me as they watch me fight so hard to simply stay alive.

*It’s hard to count it all joy

distracted by the noise,

Just trying to make sense

of all Your promises.

It wasn’t that latest attack that caused my emotional upheavel nor was it all the added pain I’ve been living with since. What caused me to feel so lost at sea were all the {seemingly} unanswered prayers that preceded the procedures. There were multiple people praying for me, tons of prayers prayed on my behalf…so why were the results so bad?

God seemed so silent, so far removed from what I was going through. Even though I believe in the power of prayer, and I truly do, I was still filled with all these questions and doubts that left me unable to form any words to pray. I was struggling with questions of why should we continue to pray for my health when it’s so obvious He’s not planning on healing me...

*Photo found on Pinterest

In those weeks of unending physical pain, I was in such emotional and mental turmoil. I was going through the motions, doing what was expected of me, all while I had this slow burn growing inside of me. I was sinking into a place of anger directed at a god whom I felt had let me down. Where had Jehovah Rapha, the God Who heals, gone when I needed Him? Why was He healing others around me, but seeming to always skip over me? The questions just kept repeating over and over in my mind.

*I don’t want to think I may never understand,

That my broken heart is a part of Your plan.

When I try to pray all I’ve got is hurt

and these four words:

Thy will be done.

Perhaps you’ve been there too, Friend. Maybe you’ve faced a time when you turned your face towards Heaven, raised your voice, and pleaded for answers like I did. Possibly you’re there now. Full of questions about how a loving God could allow such pain and heartbreak into your life. If He’s all-powerful, why didn’t He stop it before it reached you?

It’s so hard when we don’t have immediate answers, isn’t it? It makes it so difficult to keep the faith, to trust His plans, to hold onto hope. When our lives are thrown into chaos it can feel like we’re being tossed about to and fro, and just when we have our feet back on firm ground, they get swept out from under us once more. We can get so lost in the muddiness of the storm that we lose sight of the One Who can guide us through.

*Sometimes I gotta stop,

remember that You’re God

and I am not.

I don’t have answers for all the why’s of this life, nor do I know the reason behind my continued illness. But you know what, Friends? I’m slowly learning to be okay with that. I’m on a journey of discovering how to leave my why’s at the altar and focus instead on the Who. I’m growing to accept that there are simply things in this life that I’m never going to understand, but I can have peace by trusting the One Who holds the answers.

I recently heard this quote by Bill Johnson through a beautiful sister in Christ, “You can’t get the peace that passes understanding until you give up your right to understand.” Boom. Heart impacted.

We can live in a place of surrender, seeking His will above our own, and trusting that He’ll use every trial for the further advancement of His Kingdom. That these painful times, all the things that hurt can be used for good and to make His goodness known. It’s okay to ask our questions of God. He isn’t scared nor intimidated by our doubts and fears. He longs to comfort our hearts, to give peace in the midst of life’s storms. So go ahead and ask - through tears, or whispers, or shouts. Whatever way it needs to come out, you have permission to do so, Dear Ones.

*Photo found on Pinterest

When I began this post, I was questioning why I was being prompted to write it since I had already shared some of these things in "~ Another Year Older ~". I feared this was just going to seem too redundant, that sharing this specific post would be pointless. But something (or should I say Someone..) wouldn't allow me to merely erase it. So when I hit the publish button it will be with a prayer that, through these words, someone receives hope and encouragement.

In closing, I want to extend this invitation - Beautiful Friends, I’d love if you would join me on this journey of surrendering our right to know why and discovering how to live with our hearts fully proclaiming, even in the midst of our trials: 

Not my will, but Yours be done.

{All lines preceded by an asterisk (*) symbol are lyrics from Hillary Scott's song, "Thy Will be Done"}

{Hello, 2017}

The holidays have come and gone. We spent so much time in preparation for their arrival only to have them pass in a flash...

The used wrapping paper has been disposed of, the Christmas decorations are tucked away and stored until next time {or at least that’s what I’ve heard - our tree is still currently sharing it’s beauty in our living room.} The holiday parties have passed, the streamers and kazoos thrown away. We’re just barely beyond the holidays, but their departure is keenly felt. Vacation time is almost over - adults are heading back to work and students are being called back to the classrooms. We may have started a new year, but most things remain the same.

*Photo found on Pinterest

But not all things.

A vast number of people have decided that there are some things in their lives that need to change, so they’ve made New Year’s Resolutions. One statistic I read said that the number of Americans that usually make these resolutions is 45%. For whatever reason, that’s really cool to me. Maybe it’s because I’ve personally never made one, which means I’m like 38% of Americans according to that same report.

I started to wonder about why I’ve never really gotten in on this ritual. Why do I see or hear about others making their resolutions, but I don’t join in? The answer I came up with is this: “New Year’s Resolution” and “failure” tend to be synonymous in my head. 

Did you know that, according to what I’ve read, only 8% of Americans who make a resolution are successful in achieving their goals? That’s a crazy small percentage! It actually kind of makes my heart hurt to think about all the people who want to make a change in their lives, but just can’t seem to get past whatever stands in their way. I don’t know who you may be, but I want you to succeed!

So I decided to leave my 38% comfort zone and join you 45%ers. 

Because I’ve never made a resolution of my own, I asked Google what the top 10 New Year’s resolutions are. {What did people do before Google??}  After reading through the different items, I picked out the ones that stood out among the rest and tweaked them to fit my own life. So, Friends, here’s my very first list of New Year’s Resolutions (in no particular order.)

• See the world Super-natural - while I think the earth is beautiful and has many wonders to behold, I know there are so many things happening outside of the natural that I’m not seeing and that fascinates me. I want new eyes so that I can see angels and witness His glory surrounding me. I want what happened to Elisha’s servant in 2 Kings 6:17. The servant wasn’t blind, so when Elisha prayed for his eyes to be opened, he was meaning the servant’s spiritual eyes. I want that. I want to look beyond the natural and see the super-natural.

• Organize my life Declutter my mind - we allow so many distractions into our lives, don’t we? Our attention is being pulled in so many different directions that it can be hard to focus on the things that matter. The Word says we are to set our minds on things above, not on earthly things (Colossians 3:2). It also says that we are to be transformed by the renewal of our minds (Romans 12:2). I want to kick out the wrong thoughts or thinking patterns that have made themselves far too comfy in my head so that my mind is freed of anything that pulls it’s attention away from the Lord.

• Spend Assume less & save Love more - there have been times I've been convicted of a judgmental attitude. Moments when I’ve had a thought immediately followed by a tiny prick feeling to my heart, something I recognize as the Spirit’s correction. I’m not talking about judging someone’s actions as either right or wrong, but rather about judging someone’s heart. It’s when I start assuming that I know the why behind a person’s actions without ever having them tell me their side that I cross over into a judgmental spirit towards them. I don’t want to do that. I want to follow the commandment given in John 13:34: I want to love them with a genuine and pure love, like Christ. People are beautiful, but I miss out on that when my eyes are murky with assumptions. 

• Lose weight bitterness - it’s a heavy weight when we carry bitterness in our hearts, isn’t it? When we refuse to let it go and forgive our offenders because they’ve yet to offer an apology for how they’ve wronged us. We feel we deserve that acknowledgment from them before we offer our forgiveness. Or sometimes we feel the apology they did offer wasn’t sincere enough, that they don’t seem genuinely sorry, so we continue to withhold forgiveness. Do you know who that actually hurts? Us. I don’t want to lug around unnecessary weight any longer. “Love prospers when a fault is forgiven..” - Proverbs 17:9. I want to let go of any past offenses and move forward without picking up any more. I want to live un-offendable.

• Quit smoking quitting - a bit oxymoron-ish, yeah? Stick with me for a second…when things get hard, I tend to retreat. I want space and time away from it all to gather my thoughts and process everything. That’s just my personality, the way God wired me. It’s not a bad thing in general, but the part that becomes a problem is when, in my retreat, I forget to keep living. I stop talking, reaching out to friends, and engaging in my relationships. I let my fingers stop typing and my brain says no to writing. In essence, I quit living the life God’s called me to live because I let life get in the way. I want to quit doing those unhealthy quits and only do ones that are good for me. I want to throw off the things that weigh me down and hinder me, running the race that God has set before me (Hebrews 12:1-3).

*Photo found on Pinterest

Here we are, Friends, at the start of a new year. It’s a year made up of months, which in turn are made up of weeks broken down into days that can be taken hour by hour or even minute by minute. It’s a whole year wide open before us, a year that nobody has yet seen. This new year is untouched, undiscovered; it has yet to be lived. It’s a whole new adventure awaiting people brave enough to take it on.

For those of you who've made a resolution, I'm rooting for you. I pray this is the year each of you is able to succeed in making your dreams a reality. May we blow the success rate statistic out of this world, so that when we hear New Year's Resolution it's no longer synonymous with failure.

May the God of peace,...equip you with

everything good for doing his will, and may he

work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus

Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

 (Hebrews 13:20-21MSG)