~ Another Year Older ~

I turned 28 this past Friday (the 16th.)

Photo found on Pinterest

I know for a lot of people that birthdays stop being eagerly anticipated once they become adults. A birthday is just another day of life to many. It no longer possesses an aura of wonder and specialness, but rather becomes an unwanted reminder of how quickly time passes.

For me, though, my birthday is a day that I will always greet with a smile. While I may not always enjoy the number being celebrated, I’ll always be thankful for what the day signifies: I’m still alive.

In my post "Miracle Musings", I mentioned how the trauma from my chronic illness led to me fully believing that I was going to die when I was 21 years old. I will never forget laying in that emergency room while the doctor asked me endless questions, holding tight to my momma’s hand as the pain just kept intensifying, and praying that God would give her the strength to walk out of that hospital without me after I passed away.

So for every birthday that I am here to celebrate, I’m going to do it with a grateful heart.

So blessed to be alive & loved by this man <3

In late June of this year {2016}, because we still had no answers and no real direction to go in, the doctors decided to redo some tests that I’d had done years prior in hopes of receiving new data. I was extremely nervous about going through the procedures again because they hadn’t worked out very well for me the first time. However, I knew something had to be done so I gave my consent.

On June 21st, I began the necessary prep that would allow them to perform the tests on the next day. On June 22nd, I woke JRB up around 1:30am because I was having severe nausea and debilitating pain due to the aforementioned prep. 

The next 20 minutes would later be added to our “Most Scary Moments” list.

Once we were awake, I started deteriorating fast. I became increasingly unresponsive, so JRB called my parents and they rushed over to help (for any of you who’ve ever questioned why we chose to build our home so close to my parents’ - there’s your answer.) I was overheated and lethargic, so while one would prop me up and keep me steady, another would attempt to cool me down with cold washcloths.

Then I started dry heaving, which then became me gasping for breath. My dad immediately called 911, but over the course of his conversation, I regained the ability to breathe. They loaded me up in the car and rushed me to the ER themselves. And as JRB held me in the backseat, trying to get me to respond to him, he endured the pain of thinking he lost me several times. 

If you ask him now he’ll tell you, “She really scared me, I thought she was gone.”

The weeks following this trauma included more doctors appointments and more testing, all of which ended with the same results: everything appears normal and we still have no answers.

I’m going to be totally honest with you here, Friends. For a while, I was pretty angry with God about all of this. People had been specifically praying that the procedural prep I had to do would not affect me negatively. People had been petitioning Him for answers to be found throughout the course of all the testing. We had been praying and believing that this would finally lead to something.

And yet… and yet.

Photo found on Pinterest

I woke up at 5:30 this morning, with all these words flowing through my brain and just had to write this to you. Aside from one post in September (I {still} DO), I haven't written anything since before all this happened. To have such a strong urge upon waking that I couldn't ignore, I figure this must be a post that someone somewhere needs to read. I'm praying it finds you quickly!  

I want you to know that I truly do understand that life is not always rainbows and unicorns, it doesn’t always seem beautiful or magical. I get it that life just really hurts sometimes, that there are seasons where our pain feels overwhelming. 

I know how it is to feel like God’s no longer listening, that He’s too far away to hear our cries for help.

In the weeks following all the summer-time trauma, I became pretty silent. I stopped writing, I wasn’t all that talkative, and my prayer life took a hit. Confession: instead of pressing into Him, I pulled away. 

JRB would try to encourage me and tell me to hold on to hope, but I'd gaze back into his eyes, my own filled with tears, and respond, "Hope hurts." {That story is for another blog post though...}

I remember walking out to do some weeding in the garden one random day and just suddenly looking to the sky and finally speaking my heart. With tears rolling down my cheeks, I cried, “God, where are You?! Why are You allowing all of this to happen?? I don’t understand any of this, but I want to trust You in it anyways. Help me.”

And like a loving daddy who always welcomes his children with open arms, even when they’ve been absent or distant, my Abba gathered me close to His chest and whispered His reply, “My child, I’m here.”

I don’t have any answers for why God hasn’t healed me, but I choose to still believe that He can. I’m not sure what the reasons are for allowing me this pain, but I choose to believe He’s using it for His glory to be shown and the advancement of His Kingdom.

So happy to be alive <3

And for you. I don’t know why you’re still sick even after all the prayers that have been prayed for your healing, but I know you are loved by a God Who still heals. I don’t have an answer as to why certain pain or trauma has been allowed to enter your world, but I do know there hasn’t been even a moment where you’ve been in it alone. I don’t know what the situation that you’re facing is, Friend, but I know to my very marrow that my God is good, all the time.

So press in, Dear Ones, and let your heart cry out to Him again and again and again. Then listen for His response:

“My child, I’m here.”

I {still} DO

I awoke with eager excitement, even though I’d barely slept the night before. The day was one I’d been anticipating for what felt like forever (but in reality was only 6 months) and I was ready to get to the main event!

My hair and face were all prettified. My dress was simple perfection; my boots, a splash of fun. I had my best girls by my side.

*PC: givingtreephotography.com

Then there was him.

Him, who was looking so handsome in his vest and tie. Him, who brought along his best fellas. Him, who had asked the question that led us to that day.

*PC: givingtreephotography.com

{September 7th, 2013}

That beautiful day when JRB and I made our vows and pledged our hearts to one another. When he forever became my Mr. and I, his Mrs.

“On this day

I give you my heart.

My promise

That I will walk with you,

Hand in hand,

Wherever our journey leads us.

Living, learning, loving.

I will be yours in plenty and in want,

In sickness and in health,

In failure and in triumph.

I will dream with you and celebrate with you.

Together,

Forever.”

Here I am, 3 years later, sitting on my couch in the living room of the home JRB has built for us. I gotta say, it doesn’t seem like it’s been that long already. Yet, at the same time, it seems like it’s been so much longer. The beautiful paradox of time in a marriage…

As I was beginning my day, thinking about what today represents and our plans to celebrate, the words for this post began swarming my brain. I knew if I didn’t write them down I’d spend my day mentally writing this post over and over until I finally physically wrote it out (my brain can be persistent like that.)

So, in honor of JRB and I’s wedding anniversary (and because I don’t want these words taking up a big portion of my brain all day!), here are 5 of the countless things I’ve learned about marriage over the past 3 years.

*Valentine's Day, 2016

5) Being right is never more important than being kind.

    Choosing love can be hard, especially when we’re wanting different things. When he’s saying one thing and I believe it’s better a different way, it can lead to frustrations and irritations. I want my way and I want him to just give it to me. In those moments, I’m reminded of some wise counsel we received prior to our wedding day: love each other more. We should love one another more than we love being right or having things our own way. Loving them and treating them with honor and respect is always more important than “being right”.

*Easter, 2016

4) Families are different…and that’s okay!

    My family has traditions and ways of doing things and his family has another. Nothing makes either one right or wrong, they’re just different. It can be hard learning how to adjust and blend these things together in a marriage. JRB and I are learning that the smoothest way to do these things is to simply let them be. When we’re with one family, we do things their way. When we’re with the other family, then we move to their rhythm. As we build our own family, we’ll integrate values and beats from each of our families, creating a whole new flavor of Blair. Family is beautiful and something to be treasured <3

*Mother's Day, 2016

3) The “in sickness” part is no joke.

    It’s odd to imagine hard days ahead when speaking the vows, but realistically we know that we’ll all face rough times. Personally, we’ve faced a lot of icky days brought on by sickness. We intentionally chose vows with those specific words because of my illness. For us, it’s an every day vow that we live out. For JRB, that means choosing to love me when I’m too weak to do anything, causing him to pick up all my slack. It means facing my severe attacks beside me, trying to keep me alert as they rush me to the ER, even as he fears he’s lost me (that’s a story for another blog post..) It’s staying together and choosing to love even if nothing ever improves. If you vow “in sickness and in health”, be very aware that the sickness part can be all too real. 

*Father's Day, 2016

2) Laundry doesn’t just double…

    Going from doing one person’s laundry to doing it for two, you’d think your task would simply double. Well, you’d think wrong. Getting married brings magic into your world, Friends, because that stuff doesn’t double, it quadruples! How else can you explain that besides magic?? ;)

*JRB's Birthday, 2016

1) Love is the greatest force in the world.

    When we choose love - real, true, and abiding love - marriage is beautiful. Because that love is patient with its spouse and that love is kind to its other half. That love isn’t jealous of its husband, nor is it always walking around and boasting about its greatness. That love isn’t prideful, but rather exudes humility. It doesn’t dishonor its wife, nor does it live with a “me, me, me” mentality. That love doesn’t get angry and upset easily. It doesn’t keep a record of its husband’s wrongs against them, nor does it keep a list of its wife’s past failures and mistakes. It doesn’t delight in evil or dirty things, but rather rejoices with the truth. That love - that deep love that seems so rare - that love always protects its spouse. It always trusts them, always holds hope for them, and always perseveres beside them. That love never fails.

    It’s worth repeating: Love is the greatest force in the world.

Life is a crazy-beautiful journey filled with ups and downs, hairpin turns and whiplash-inducing speeds. At times it’s fun and exhilarating, while other times you’d give anything to just get off the ride. From one day to the next, from one breath to another, everything can change. 

There was a time in my life when I feared my dream of being married to a godly man would stay just that: a dream. Then, God brought my “change”. He blessed me with JRB, who’s a Man among men. The way he loves me is humbling. He’s my fierce protector, my gentle caregiver, my shoulder to cry on, and my safe place to hide. 

The last three years have been filled with smiles and laughter while having their share of tears as well. With everything life throws our way and sends down the tracks towards us, I’m extremely grateful that it’s my hubby who’s holding my hand on this marriage-ride.

*PC: givingtreephotography.com

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - I love Love.

JRB’s love, though? That’s my most favoritest love of all.

Jesus > {insert name here}

One of the {countless} things my momma taught me while growing up is that if I’m in a situation where I just can’t find any other words then I should simply speak His name. Because there is power in the blessed name of Jesus. 

One of my strongest memories that relates to this is back when I was around first or second grade and Momma was driving my siblings and I to school. It was winter so the roads weren’t all that lovely on this particular day. I don’t know if we started sliding while trying to stop for the traffic light or if another vehicle wasn’t seeming able to stop, but I remember clearly hearing her suddenly and loudly say, “Oh my God!” Whatever the issue was, nothing happened to us on that morning, we were all fine. I grew up learning the 10 commandments though so after we were through the light Little Me chastised Momma for taking the Lord’s name in vain. I remember her explaining something to me in that moment that continues to impact my life. Within her explanation she told me, “Sometimes, Andi, His name is all you have to say.” 

*Photo found on Pinterest

I love 7eventh Time Down’s song, “Just say Jesus”. It’s resonated within my heart since the first time I heard it and goes right along with what Momma taught me on that day all those years ago. The chorus says:

“When you don’t know what to say,

Just say Jesus

There is power in the name,

The name of Jesus

If the words won’t come 

‘Cause you’re too afraid to pray

Just say Jesus”

When the panic attacks come and I struggle to find reasonable thinking again, 

I chant the powerful name of Jesus.

When my heart was broken and I didn’t understand what was happening, 

I clung to the precious name of Jesus.

When I look into the future and it all just seems too scary and overwhelming, 

I find peace in the name of Jesus.

When I step outside my comfort zone and the nerves threaten to make me pass out,

I remember the Life-giving name of Jesus.

When life is so beautiful and my heart overflows with thanksgiving and I’m too overwhelmed by His goodness to speak, I smile and whisper that beautiful name, Jesus.

In those moments when I simply have no words to express how I’m feeling, in those times when I don’t even understand how I’m feeling, there is one word I can speak that surpasses all others. Jesus.

Last night, my husband and I went with some others to see Danny Gokey in concert. [Side note: if you’ve never seen him but love his music, he’s awesome live so if you have a chance to see him, take it!] It wasn’t a huge venue, so we got to be fairly close to the action. He had the crowd dancing and singing along with some of his biggest hits and then he slowed things down and lead us in a couple worship songs.

At one point, he had the whole group of us singing the chorus of, “How great is our God” over and over. And like a lightening bolt piercing my heart, one line struck me. I’ve sung this song multiple times, but it was only last night that it affected me in this way.

*Photo found on Pinerest

“He’s the Name above all names”

I sang that line and I was filled with Hope, because the Truth in that line was something I needed to remember. I tend to be really literal so my mind always recognized that line as His name being greater than people’s names. As if we’re singing that the name Jesus is greater than the names Andrea, Juan, Felicity, Mason, etc. I only ever made that type of connection, but last night another chord was struck inside of me.

Before I tell you what Truth God gave me, let me give you a brief explanation of what lead up to it. My primary doctor referred me to a specialist this past week to see about having an upper endoscopy done (a scope down my throat.) During the appointment, this particular specialist just kept referring to my illness as IBS, which was quite frustrating because the IBS specialist that I’ve seen says that’s not what my illness is but… anywho. That appointment was Thursday afternoon and the concert was Friday evening, so it was all fresh in my mind.

While I stood in that crowd and sang about how great my God is, Truth pierced through me and brought Hope with it. A connection was made in my brain that travelled and settled into my spirit - His name is not merely greater than humanity’s names, His name is greater than every name. The “names” we’ve placed on things, the titles we’ve bestowed - His name is above them all. As I sang that line about His name being above all others, I heard softly spoken to my heart…”My name is greater than IBS.”

Whoosh. 

Peace. Hope. Joy. Strength. In that moment, it’s like I was immersed in them. Surrounded by a crowd of people, my Abba pursued me to give me comfort. He knew exactly what I needed to hear, even though I myself was unaware. I was dreading having to try another medication soon, but it wasn’t really on my mind during the concert. My body was screaming at me with pain, but I was doing my best to ignore it and enjoy the time with some of my favorite people. I wasn’t actively seeking reassurance in those moments, but that didn’t stop Him from sending it. And that right there just makes me want to shout to the world how great my God is!

*Photo found on Pinterest

Dear Friends, maybe you’re in need of Hope too. Maybe you’re facing something in life and you’re craving a moment of Peace. Maybe you’re in a season of rocky terrain and you just need to be reassured that He’s still in control. Oh, Dear One, if that’s you I implore you to just take a moment and let this Truth seep into your very being - He’s the Name above all names.

Cancer < Jesus

Depression < Jesus
Anorexia < Jesus

Fear < Jesus

Divorce < Jesus

Arthritis < Jesus

Disease < Jesus
Bulimia < Jesus

Addiction < Jesus

Bipolar < Jesus
Self-harm < Jesus

MS < Jesus

Tumor < Jesus

Anxiety < Jesus

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. His name is greater than every other name. His name holds more power than any other name. List them all out, His will be at the top every time. There are none that even match His. No other name even comes close to His precious and powerful name.

In His name, chains are broken. In His name, bondage is destroyed. In His name, captives are set free. In His name, lies are obliterated. In His name, darkness trembles. In His name, the enemy cowers and flees.

In His name, sins are forgiven. In His name, sinners become saints. In His name, we are redeemed. In His name, we are overcomers. In His name, we are victorious. In His name, we are flawless. In His name… In His name… In His name.

Jesus. There is power in that beautifully sweet name. 

*Photo found on Pinterest

Look into your moment, Friend, face whatever challenge is on your doorstep, and simply speak His name. Jesus. Whether you can say it bold and loud or your voice quivers in weakness from the fight - the power isn’t in how you say it, the power is in the name you are saying. 

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus! 

Whisper it. Shout it. Sing it. Speak it.

It doesn’t matter how you proclaim the name of Jesus, it only matters that you do.

“One name, one name can save

One name breaks every chain

One name, always

One name, Jesus

One name, one name remains

One name, we will proclaim

One name, always

One name”

{“There is Power” by Lincoln Brewster}

*Do you have a personal testimony of a time that speaking His name made things happen in your life? Maybe you saw someone healed or found peace amidst panic? If so, I would love to hear your story :)

*~ a Heavenly invitation ~*

My pastor recently invited me to go with her to an upcoming speaking engagement of hers, where she’ll be teaching on the topic of abiding in His love. I love spending time with her, so I immediately agreed. After I got excited over the simple fact I’d be spending time with her, she then said something along the lines of, “If you have a blog post or something you’ve written that goes along with what I’ll be speaking about, let me know and we can possibly have you share it.” 

I think my heart forgot how to function for a few beats following that statement…

My pastor has a truly beautiful heart, so even though she often causes a riot of butterflies to take flight inside of me when she says stuff like that, I tend to pay attention to it because I know what’s behind the invitation from her. She knows speaking in front of people makes me super nervous, but she also knows it’s something I’m called to do so she doesn’t let my nerves stop her from asking me to speak. God just keeps using her to give me the opportunities to stretch and grow in this area, gently moving me forward into who He has created me to be. 

*Photo found on Pinterest

I didn’t really feel that any of my previous posts went with her specific topic. While I have shared about resting in Him and my peace being in Him, I haven’t written anything with the word “abide” in mind before. I began to feel nervous because I was putting pressure on myself to come up with something for her. I became performance-minded for about two days before my brain kicked back in and I remembered that I only ever want to write what He prompts me to, not what I pressure myself to write.

With the remembering came the surrendering - surrendering my blog back to Him, laying my gifts and talents at His feet, only wanting to use them for His glory, never my own. Where my thoughts had been frantic with trying to figure out what to write, I now have peace because I know that if He wants me to share something, He will supply me with the words to say.

This past Sunday morning after I woke up, while still snuggled in my blankets, I started planning and picturing how my day would go (..does anybody else do that?!) I wanted to take some time to be in prayer over the topic of abiding in Him, so I was picturing myself in our living room praying and asking God, “Do You have something you want me to share with this group of women? Is there a message I should pass on?” Now, I was picturing me doing this, sorta planning it out for the day (not the words, just taking the time to do it), but I wasn’t actually consciously praying in that moment - that didn’t stop God from responding though! He immediately gave me a brief vision while I was laying there…

I saw a beautiful garden that looked like something out of a fairytale dream, 

the colors were so vividly perfect. 

In the middle of this garden there were several small wrought iron tables, 

where women were sitting and having a tea party. 

When I focused on these women, their images kept flickering between adult and child. 

One second I was seeing grown women and the next I was seeing innocent little girls. 

They were all chatting and laughing, soaking in the sunshine and completely at peace.

This seemed such an odd and random thing to pop into my head that I asked God, “Is this from You or is my brain just not awake yet?” He gave me the confirmation that it was indeed Him, I wasn’t just coming up with crazy things in my sleepy brain (always good to know!) I felt like He told me that this was a picture of how it can be when we abide in Him, that it allows us to have that childlike innocence again. That innocence that allowed us to have faith that wasn’t hindered by our head-knowledge or any past experiences, nor by the often disheartening questions of “how?”, “when?”, or “what if..?” A child believes so easily, trusts so completely.

*Photo found on Pinterest, courtesy of capturingivy

Who did we invite to our tea parties when we were little? Our friends! Whether they were people or our stuffed animals and baby dolls, each member was a special guest because they were someone we wanted to share our time with. We wanted them to sit at our {kid-sized} table, drink our {imaginary} tea, and enjoy our {sometimes real} snacks. With the innocence of a child we bestowed invitations on our most beloved friends. That’s what God does too - He gives the invitation to sit at His table and enjoy His banquet treats to His most treasured friends. We are those friends. 

Can you just take a second to let that sink in? He calls us Friend!

When I was doing some research on the word “abide” I saw that one of it’s synonyms listed in the dictionary is “remain”. I really love that word in relation to this topic. It’s when we remain in Him that we rest in a place of peace. He’s a shelter in the midst of life’s storms, where our joy and our hope are protected from the effects of life’s raging that’s happening all around us.

*Photo found on Pinterest

Abiding in His love allows us to truly rest. We are no longer slaves to fear or anxieties, because His perfect love casts out all fear. (1 John 4:18) When we remain in our Shepherd, we lack nothing. (Psalm 23:1) In Him we can have security in the knowledge that we are fully known (1 Corinthians 13:12) and loved with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3) How much freer would we live if we truly grasped these Truths? 

I feel I would be remiss if I didn’t mention anywhere in this post how we abide in Him. We’re told in John 15:9-10(MSG), “I’ve loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you’ll remain (abide) intimately at home in my love. That’s what I’ve done - kept my Father’s commands and made myself at home in his love.” Verses 12 and 17 say, “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. … This is my command: Love each other.”

It’s that simple, yet that profound. Love. The greatest force in the world. Agape Love: selfless, sacrificial, unconditional. The highest of the four types of love in the Bible. It’s the way Jesus loves us. It’s the way we are called to love one another. It’s how we can live a life abiding in Him, remaining in Him.

*Photo found on Pinerest

The Party has been planned.

The guest list was made and your name is written on it. 

The pen? A nail. The ink? His blood, poured out in love for you.

The invitations have been sent out. 

They’re beautifully embossed with an image of a Man hanging on a cross.

The refreshments have been laid out. 

The beverage is Living Water that will leave us thirsting no more (John 4:14).

 The soul-nourishing treats of unfailing love, unending joy, uncontainable hope, and unexplainable peace.

The Hosts are prepared. 

The Father, Son, & Holy Spirit eagerly anticipate dwelling amongst Their guests, Their friends.  

You’ve been invited to come and abide with Him, to remain in Him. 

To rest in Him with childlike abandon.

All is prepared, ready for you to enjoy. 

The choice is yours whether you attend or not.

Friends, knowing everything He’s put into this party for us, I gotta ask… 

why would we say “no”?

*Photo found on Pinterest

[a confession + a testimony]

Just the other day I realized that this past March (3.8.16) marked JRB and I’s one year anniversary of being commissioned as the youth leaders for our church! We’d been hanging out with the teens for several months prior to that, but it was on that Sunday in March that we became official. Wow - It doesn’t feel like it’s been over a year already...

I’ve shared recently about how my chronic illness has brought me to times of questioning God and His plans for my life. I've wrote about how I’ve struggled with knowing there are things He’s called me to do and my frustrations with this body that limits my ability to walk in those things. You can read my posts “Questions and Doubts” and “{i.choose.trust}” for more on that. In this post I want to share with you how my illness doesn’t stop God from fulfilling His plans in my life.

*Photo found on Pinterest

It seems like it was only a couple months ago that JRB and I were sitting down to have the deep discussions about whether or not we should step into the role of youth leaders. Asking the questions, weighing the sacrifices, and praying over whether this was God nudging us to move. Through it all, we were also talking about my fears and worries.

That’s right, Friends. This is my confession: I was seriously scared to step into this role. To make the commitment, to say “yes”, to move forward. It was exciting, sure - but it was also slightly terrifying for me. The fear wasn’t about the role of leader, but rather due to my illness. What would we do if I was too sick to actually be the youth leader that these teens deserve? I spoke with my husband, I spoke with my pastor, and more than them, I spoke with God. I did not want to take this step if it wasn’t 100% clear that this was what He was calling us into.

Through all the conversations, prayers, and discussions it was confirmed for us that this was something we needed to pursue. So we gave our “yes” and stepped out in faith. Where Joyce Meyer’s has given the wise advice to “do it afraid”, my somewhat-joking motto became, “do it sick!”

Time passed, we stepped in to the leadership position, and the evening finally came for our first youth group meeting. About 30-45mins before we needed to be leaving our house, I went into an attack. In a normal time, this isn’t a good thing. On that afternoon, I freaked out because of knowing I needed to be leaving soon. “I can’t be sick right now, I have to go to youth!!” I sent out texts to my prayer warriors, JRB and I prayed, and, in spite of how truly awful I was feeling, we left the house on time. 

Instead of getting better though, I just got worse and worse the longer I was in the car. And I thought, “God.. where are You?!?” This was not a good start to our youth ministry. It only seemed to be adding weight to all my fears and worries that I mentioned earlier.

In the midst of me panicking in the car, we made a plan - if I was too sick to sit in with everyone else, JRB would go ahead with the meeting as if nothing was wrong. He’d just let the teens know I wasn’t feeling good without making a big deal out of it. We continued to pray that I would feel well enough to be with everyone, but we were prepared just in case that wasn’t possible.

We arrived at the church and I immediately went to a room where I could be alone. While JRB was getting everything set up, I was having a severe panic attack and thinking about calling my mom to come take me to the emergency room. My pain had intensified beyond what I could endure without help, and despite how it kept ebbing in and out, the times it was “in” were excruciating. While all of this was going through my head, in the midst of the pain rushing through me, and in between my prayers for God’s help, I was also aware that I needed to make myself go out of that room and greet the teens. If I was capable of nothing else, I at least needed to be there to welcome them on that first night.

So I took a deep breath, prayed for strength, and walked out the door despite the severe pain and nausea. Immediately upon entering the hallway that would lead me to everyone, I saw one of our teens walking towards me. Filled with a desire to be upbeat and welcoming to him, I put a smile on my face and called out to him cheerfully, “Hey! I’m so glad you’re here! How are you?”

You guys, the very instant that I acknowledged him, I was healed. 

H.E.A.L.E.D.! 

*Photo found on Pinterest

“The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life!” (Job 33:4)

From one step to the next, my pain and nausea were gone. It’s like I passed through a veil, where on one side I was sick and on the other I was pain free. I walked into our youth meeting, sat down and chatted with everyone, and was able to stay for the whole service. Not only did I stay, though, I felt good!

In that room I was crying out, “God, I need You to show up. I need You to help me. I can’t do this on my own. I know You’ve called me to this, now I need You to give me the ability to do it. Please, God, I need You!” Friends, did He ever answer that prayer!

As I was reflecting back on the meeting later that night after I was home, I realized something. In the very instant that I needed it, God took away my pain. Leading up to that moment, I wanted Him to take my pain away, but it was the moment that I came into contact with one of our teens - the reason I was there, the very person God had called me to serve - it was then that I truly needed Him to heal me. When the want became a need, He stepped in.

This is what I know: God may not always give me what I want, but He will always supply me with what I need. “You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even ours in the glory that pours from Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19)

I’ve placed a mental Stone of Remembrance in this place in my mind to help me remember that God will help me as I live in this ministry. As JRB and I continue to pour our hearts into these amazing teens whom we’ve come to love so quickly, I often find myself reflecting back on that very first youth service. When I have my flare ups that interfere with M.180 (our youth ministry), I remind myself that nothing is impossible for God. My illness is not greater than Him, my sickness is no match for His power. So I move forward in faith - honored to know and lead these students, humbled to serve them with my husband - placing my trust in Him and knowing that this is exactly what He has called us to do.

*Photo found on Pinterest

“Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus…” (Hebrews 12:1)

In the book of Luke, starting in verse 26 of chapter 8, we’re given a story of when Jesus restores a demon possessed man. The story starts when Jesus stepped out of his boat onto land and was immediately met with this crazed man who fell down at his feet. The demons recognized the power of Jesus and, once in His presence, could do nothing but bow down to Him. Later we see Jesus cast the demons into a herd of pigs that were nearby, leaving the man free and in his right mind. The people who witnessed this became afraid and asked Jesus to leave them, so He did. The man who had been freed from the demons wanted to go with Him, but Jesus had a different task for him. In verse 39 He tells him, “Return home and tell how much God has done for you.”

That is the whole point of this post. I wrote all this because I have been feeling the push to tell you how much my God has done for me, in the same way that once demon possessed man was told to do. God’s goodness is not something we should keep silent about.

Friends, my God is good. All the time, He is good! My illness, this pain that I live with day in and day out, the future that seems to hold no medical discoveries for me - these things are not great enough to make me doubt my God’s goodness. Life is hard and some mornings I don’t even feel like I can get out of bed, let alone face what the day holds. But still I choose to trust, because my God has shown Himself faithful. No matter what life throws at me, knowing that He is on my side, I can stand strong and boldly declare, “Bring it on!”

I have no idea what the situation you’re in looks like or what circumstance you’re facing, - illness, divorce, financial difficulties, broken friendships… Whatever it is, I encourage you to pause and take a deep breath, then once again look at it through the eyes of Truth - your God is for you and He is with you. Look at whatever’s going on in life, call on His name, boldly stand up in the midst of the hardships, and confidently declare that God.is.good!

*Photo found on Pinterest

“Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see - how good God is. Blessed are you who run to him.” (Psalm 34:8)

{i.choose.trust}

Some days it seems that writing this blog is more like a wrestling match. There are things I want to share, but I can’t get the words organized and lined up the way I feel they should go. I type and delete and retype only to once again give thanks for that blessed delete key. My mind goes around and around what I’m trying to say, but my fingers don't type it out correctly. The message feels jumbled, the post ineffective.

I find this happens most when I’m writing in regards to my health. Often times I feel odd writing posts about my illness, sharing with the world what’s going on with my body because I tend to think, “how is this going to help anyone?” But through the feedback I’ve received in person and through you, the readers’, comments, I’m being told that sharing about this part of my life does in fact encourage others. So I’ll write this post and pray that someone somewhere finds hope nestled inside of it.

*Photo found on Pinterest

Having said all that, this post has been a real struggle for me to create. I actually began writing it several weeks ago, but the flow just wasn’t happening for me. I ended up walking away from it, trusting that something would spark my brain and the words would start to flow. And you know what? It did!

Have you heard Lauren Daigle’s, “Trust in You” song? First, I absolutely love this woman’s voice. Second, if you haven’t heard it, I encourage you to give it a listen. (You’re going to get a preview of it because I’m gonna share the beautiful lyrics throughout this post. Wink, wink…) Last, I’ve claimed this song as my life’s theme song [because if a movie can have a theme song, then why not me too?] With every word in every line, she sings the desire of my heart. With her voice, Ms. Daigle declares what my heart has been whispering, “no matter what, Father, I will still trust You.”

I’ve tried to win this war, I confess

My hands are weary, I need Your rest

Mighty Warrior, King of the fight

No matter what I face, You’re by my side

I’ve come to realize that it would be really easy for me to become depressed and despondent in my current circumstances. Although most of the time my chronic illness isn’t life threatening, it is always life limiting. There’s a lot in life that I miss out on due to my body’s inability to work correctly. There are many times I must say “no” to opportunities even though I strongly desire to say “yes”. It would really be quite simple for me to be angry and resentful. Quite easy, indeed. Along with that realization, I discovered another one - people actually expect me to feel this way. Not because of who I am personally, but because it’s what the world has conditioned us to do - when life treats us unfair, we’re taught to get angry and strike back. 

There was a time when I did. I got angry. I questioned and doubted His plans. I felt overlooked, forgotten. I yelled and shook my fists at the heavens, begging for Him to take all the pain away. Asking over and over, “why, God, why won’t You heal me??” I had dreams, things I felt like He was calling me to do - so why did He give me this broken body that caused me to be unable to do them?! Outwardly I may have appeared calm, but inside I was so mad. I withdrew into myself, because life just hurt too much.

I’m generally a happy person. I’m much more apt to give you a smile over a scowl, to laugh before I cry. My go-to emotions aren’t normally of the negative variety. I have them, I just don’t make a habit of living from them. Why am I telling you this? So that you’ll understand this next part: Being angry was exhausting. All that questioning and doubting took up too much energy. I wasn’t created to be a victim, so operating in that mentality completely wore me out. I missed being happy and smiling. Not the fake ones I’d been giving, but the genuine stuff. I missed simply being me. 

For awhile, I think that’s what I resented most about my illness - over everything else I’d lost because of it, out of all the many things I felt robbed of due to my sickness, the worst thing was feeling like it stole me. I missed me.

You are my strength and comfort

You are my steady hand

You are my firm foundation; the Rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher

Your plans are always good

There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

Here I am, eons later {really it’s just years, but it sure feels like eons at times!} still enduring new doctors who perform more tests only to receive unhelpful results. They then give me new treatment plans to try which leads to me having panic attacks (and I don’t say that in jest, panic attacks are no joking matter.) After I begin the new medicine, it's not long before I’m having to contact the doctors again to explain that this new plan isn’t working, rather it is making me far worse. My family goes on alert, ready to “babysit” me if I get to the point where it’s no longer safe for me to be left alone. I spend chunks of my time sitting on our couch with a heating pad, missing out on life, because the latest treatment plan has kicked my booty. Back in 2010/2011, these circumstances would’ve made me really angry. Or, more accurately, these circumstances did make me really angry. But now, I have peace.

*Photo found on Pinterest

“What made the difference?”, you may wonder. T-r-u-s-t. Trust. Remembering that I can trust Him, no matter what my circumstances are. It sounds simple, but the action of it is hard. I struggled for months before I arrived at a place of surrender. Letting go of all I was feeling, stopping my demands for answers, that wasn’t easy. Goodness gracious, no. But when my heart whispered it’s fervent prayer, “Help me, God. Help me to trust You”, He answered it.

Letting go of every single dream

I lay each one down at Your feet

Every moment of my wandering

Never changes what You see

While my prayers for healing have not yet been answered, my prayers for peace have.

I have no idea what the next step is, but I have peace knowing that He’s with me in each step I take. I don’t know how long my body can endure all this pain and trauma, but I have peace because I know He will get me through each attack that He wills I survive. I still have questions, yet I have peace about not knowing the answers because I know that He does. The future at times looks very scary, but even in that, I have peace because I know He’s already there.

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings

There’s not a day ahead You have not seen

So, in all things be my life and breath

I want what You want, Lord, and nothing less

Maybe you’re now at that place of questioning and doubting. Maybe you find yourself in times of despair more often than you feel moments of joy.

May I share with you a truth that really helped me? Perhaps, it won’t really faze you. But maybe, just maybe, it will impact one of you the way it did me. Because it’s when I really grasped onto and believed this truth that I was able to step out from under the bleakness of the lies I’d been influenced by.

We were not promised an easy life.

*Photo found on Pinterest

James 1:2 (NLT) says, “…when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.” I think somewhere along the way we started reading the Scripture that speaks of Jesus’ yoke being easy and His burden being light as if it’s saying that if we follow Him we’ll have an easy life. Free of burdens. That the big, bad stuff won’t touch us, we’ll be insulated from it all. That’s not what the Scriptures say though, Friends. That verse in James says when not if. Then in Acts 9:16, we read that when God told the prophet Ananias to go to Saul (who would then become Paul), He said, “…I will show him how much he must suffer for My name.” And suffer he did! Paul did not at all have an easy life. And thank God he didn’t, because think of how many books of the Bible we wouldn’t have - all those life-changing teachings he wrote in the midst of his pain and suffering.

We tend to think we’re disqualified from serving the King when we face our trials, but the Truth is that He can use us in amazing and mighty ways right where we're at. It’s in the trials when we must choose - do we keep wrestling and trying to do it all on our own or do we surrender and depend solely on Him? When we choose surrender and dependency on Him, it gives Him free reign to use us and our circumstances however He sees fit. And use us He will. It doesn’t mean He immediately removes us from the battle, it means we invite Him to fight the battle with us, through us, for us and to use it all for His glory.

When our hearts are so full of grumbles about not living the life we think we deserve, we’re unable to give thanks for the one we do have. When we hold on so tightly to our vision of what our lives should look like, our hands are too full to grab hold of the reality of the incredible life He has given us. We get so busy telling God how we want our lives to go, that we forget to ask Him how He wants them to be.

*Photo found on Pinterest

We were not created to be victims, Friends, so let’s stop living as if we were. We’re no longer captives, our King paid our ransom. Our chains of bondage have been broken, we’ve been set free. No matter what our circumstances may be telling us, we.are.free! That doesn’t mean we’ll never feel pain or face dark days. Sorrows will come our way, but they don’t have to rob us of our joy and peace, of our hope.

May we learn to see our trials as beautiful platforms for His glory to be seen. May we begin to see our hard stuff as wonderful opportunities for His Love to save the day. May we begin to rejoice in our weaknesses because they highlight His strength. May we no longer be so concerned with our temporary pains that we’re unable to see them as chances for Kingdom growth.

It’s a journey, Friends. A beautiful adventure filled with surprises and mysteries. The rainbows will always come, but when the rain is still falling and the storm has yet to pass, I pray your heart will join mine in this beautiful chorus, announcing and proclaiming, “No matter what, Father, I will still trust You.”

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust. I will trust. I will trust in You!