a [fearful] good girl

I felt the Spirit prompting me to write this post. Sometimes the words to write just flow for me, but other times it seems I’m deleting and re-writing over and over. This has been a journey of the latter variety. I want to be obedient though, so I’ll share my thoughts even if they’re not worded perfectly and hope that, amidst the imperfections, someone somewhere finds encouragement.

Have you ever given much thought to your testimony, what it is and how to word it? When you should (or maybe shouldn’t) share it? How do you start that conversation anyways? How do you know if others even want to hear it? 

*Photo found on Pinterest

I’ve been pondering these questions lately, contemplating the messages I’ve heard pastors teach on this topic in the past. I remember one specific message that has stuck with me through the years. I’ve never felt comfortable telling my whole story to random people, so I really enjoyed this particular message. The pastor was advising us not to just launch into this long story about our lives and what Jesus has done for us because (a) people may not have the time for that right then or (b) they might not be open to hearing it so going on and on could actually be a hinderance to them. Instead, he encouraged us to break it down to a few sentences that would lead to them wanting to know more. Like how we read a synopsis of a book or movie and, if it catches our interest, it leads us to find out the rest of the story. So give them a preview and let them decide if they want to hear more. 

I really loved the way he said that because I had always felt like sharing my testimony had to be this big ordeal and take lots of time. This belief came about through different life experiences such as the time people would be given to share during church services and by others giving me their “nutshell” version that still seemed to take at least 30mins to tell. Talking about myself for more than 5mins is tough for me, so when I heard this message I was like, “Score! I can totally handle this way of sharing my testimony!”

[A sense of foreboding. Pride] Peace. Humbled. JOY

In an illustration to go along with this message, the pastor had prepared a time for cardboard testimonies to be seen. For any who may be unfamiliar with that term, you take a piece of cardboard (or whatever you want to use) and on one side you describe your life before Jesus and on the other you describe after you surrendered to Him. Generally you only use 1-5 words per side. You don’t speak, instead allowing the sign to do the talking. If you’ve never seen this, you can watch them on youtube. 

Witnessing that time of testimony made a huge impact on me. Seeing people step up on stage with their “before” side showing, then watching as they flipped the sign over and revealed their “after” <—it gave me chills. It was so simple, yet so profound. 

[Rule Breaker] Honoring Authority

As Christians, we each have a testimony. A story to share, each one unique because it tells how Jesus changed us personally. Some in dramatic and obvious ways while others are subtle and more obscure. The stories differ, but the Reason behind and the Power within them are the same. The precious blood of the Lamb.

I wonder what you’d tell me if I asked to hear your testimony. And for the longest time, I really wondered what I’d tell you if you asked the same of me. Because, to be honest, I had no idea what mine was for most of my life. Maybe you can relate.

Knowing we have a testimony is a good thing, but knowing what it is seems like an even better one. 

[Broken] Saved

I was raised in a Christian home so I grew up hearing that word, “testimony”. I was a child familiar with listening to people share their stories of how Jesus saved their lives. Chains of addictions broken. Marriages rescued & redeemed. Miraculous healing of diseases of both the body and the soul.

All powerful testimonies filled with God’s forgiveness and grace. They’d give a preview of their life before Jesus and then they’d share the beauty of His transforming love. They were just ordinary people that God had saved and raised up to be powerful men and women of Him. They were sharing their stories to testify of God’s goodness and mercy, of His power and unfailing love.

Revelation 12:11NIV says, “They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony;…” I believe there is a releasing of His power when we speak the words to share our testimony.

[Rejected. Lonely. Confused] Adopted & fathered as an heir of Christ!

We recently made cardboard testimonies (on wood pieces) with our youth group. In preparation for asking our teens to make their signs, JRB and I made our own before service to demonstrate what we’d be doing. Which meant we had to figure out what on earth we would put on our signs. In thought, it’s easy. In action, it’s not. Breaking it down into 1-5 words per side is a lot harder than I imagined. So I prayed. “God, what do I write on this sign?”

As I mentioned, I was never quite sure what my testimony was. The issue I had was that I was a good girl. I never smoked, did drugs, or even tasted alcohol. I didn’t have sex before marriage. I obeyed the laws, I followed the rules. I didn’t cuss or speak vulgarly. This all made me feel like I didn’t really even have a testimony, because if there isn’t anything soul-stirring about my story, how would it help draw people to Jesus?

In the weeks before we made our signs, God spoke to my heart. He showed me that one of the main reasons why I was that good girl growing up came from a place of fear. Yes, a lot of it had to do with my personality and my honest desire to honor my parents and be obedient. I was never a follower so I wasn’t really tempted by peer pressure to conform to what everyone else was doing. But now I know that a major portion of me clung to my identity as a good girl because I was afraid. 

When He gave me this revelation, I knew He had also given me the words for my sign. On my before side, you’ll read:

Slave to Fear

[Fearful]

Afraid of not being good enough.

Afraid of being imperfect.

Afraid of doing something wrong.

Afraid of breaking the rules.

I deeply feared these things and it was that fear that kept me in bondage. One (sadly true) example of how fear had me in chains: I hated attending different churches because my mind was consumed with the unspoken “rules” - do we raise our hands during worship, is it frowned upon to leave the sanctuary during service for a potty break, what’s the protocol for when I stand and sit?? Not knowing the rules of places and things, whether stated or unspoken, caused me severe anxiety. 

Because if I don’t know the rules, how can I be sure not to break them?!

It’s not a big deal to some people, but my thought process about it was skewed by fear - if I break a rule, that’s bad. And being bad is the opposite of being good. Ergo, if I break a rule, whether intentional or not, I go from being a good girl to being a bad one. In the back of my mind, the fear would whisper, “Will Jesus still love me if I’m no longer good?” 

On the after side of my sign, you’ll read:

Living in Grace

[Grace-Full]

I’m now embarking on an adventure with my Abba of learning to live in a place of His grace rather than a place of fear. Along the way, I’m discovering that His grace truly is sufficient for me, in every aspect of my life. And I’m learning to have grace on myself in the moments when I blunder or mess up. I’m not a finished product yet, I still struggle with those fears. But God’s love covers me in the process and He’s gently teaching me that it’s my choice whether to react in fear or to trust in grace. Fear causes me to freak out over not being good enough. Grace allows me to be at peace knowing that I don’t have to earn His love nor strive to be good enough - I am fully loved by Him exactly as I am. I can trust that His grace covers my mistakes and inadequacies - before Him I stand flawless. 

Testimonies can be such powerful things. I think it’s important for us to know what ours is so that we can share our story when God prompts us. In addition to telling our stories to help lead others to Christ, I believe one of the biggest reasons we need to share our testimonies is simply this - to give honor and glory to Whom it is due by testifying of His great love for us, of His unfailing kindness. Because He is worthy, oh so worthy of all my praise.

[Did Everything My Way] Surrendered to God's Way

“I’ll tell the world how great and good You are, I’ll shout Hallelujah all day, every day.” Psalms 35:28MSG

When our story focuses on Him and all He is to us, that’s when our testimonies can bring change. In us, it’s just a story. With Him, it becomes life-changing. The power of Jesus in our stories is the encouragement someone out there may need to surrender to a new testimony of their own, a shift in their story of when His love invades and consumes.

“If I should speak then let it be

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin

Of when justice was served and where mercy wins

Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in

Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him”

So, Friends, let me ask you this: what would you write for your cardboard testimony?

*Photo found on Pinterest

*The testimony pictures you’ve seen throughout this post are some of my friends and family who were awesome enough to make their signs for me. Kudos and a huge thanks to each one of you!!