For the ones eagerly awaiting your future spouse, I'm about to share with you a truth you need to understand before saying, "I do." For those in the first years of marriage and for those who are veterans in the adventures of matrimony, what I'm about to say is something I know every single one of you can attest to.
Sometimes, marriage is messy.
*Photo found on fiercemarriage.com
When two imperfect people join their lives together, there are bound to be some mistakes. At times there are words that are spoken that we don't really mean and then there are words that we mean yet we leave them unspoken. There are unintentional hurts and inadvertent blunders. There are times when everything seems to be going fine then suddenly you feel like your world's been turned upside down and "harmony" would not be a fitting descriptive word for your marriage in these moments.
My husband and I have experienced the ickiness of this messy over the course of our marriage. One particular instance keeps coming to mind.
Somewhere between my husband's arrival home from a long day at work and our time to slip into the sweet relief of sleep, an argument developed. It was over something completely ridiculous and lasted way too long, as these types of things are prone to do. Though we were trying to move past it, we each had too tight of a grip on our pride and anger in those moments for a resolution to be found. I ended up just leaving the room, knowing we both needed some time to cool off or else the disagreement would keep escalating.
After a little cool-down break, we were finally calm enough to talk about how we were feeling. We took turns sharing what was in our hearts and digging into the underlying issues. It was a time of reconnecting and healing, a time of strengthening for our marriage. It was a messy marriage moment that turned into something far greater.
Towards the end of our talk, my husband expressed his unhappiness with the fact that he'd gotten teary-eyed and I hadn't. After he shared this, I knew I had a choice to make - I could either let him continue to believe that I'm not easily moved to tears or to confess the truth to him. You see, what he was unaware of was that I had been affected in the same way, I'd just hidden it from him. While he was open with his tears, I concealed mine by turning away from him or walking out of the room.
I made my decision. I chose to tell the truth and be open with him, to humble myself and admit that I had also shed some tears, I just hadn't allowed him to witness them.
"I'm sorry." He said.
I looked over and into his eyes. "For what?" I asked.
His reply came to me softly. "For the times you cry and I don't notice."
Commence the melting of my heart and the girly type swooning.
This man. The things he says. *sigh*
*Photo found on tumblr
Throughout a girl's growing up years, we're always told how men are bad at showing their emotions and how we should never expect them to allow us to see them as confused, or unsure, or hurt. We're warned to never expect to see them cry. Because it's apparently not okay for a man to cry. (And how ridiculous is that statement right there?!)
But I think us women are often guilty of this too. I know I am. We may let those closest to us see our happy and our excited, our worry and our fear. To let them see us crying though? Not gonna happen.
I really dislike crying in front of people. I know not all women are like me, some are quite comfortable sharing their tears and I admire them for it. I, however, do what I can to avoid it. The only time I'm free with my tears (and by free I mean I'm okay with my parents or my husband witnessing them) is when I'm in one of my health attacks. At that point, I'll let the tears fall in their presence. If someone else walks into the room though, I turn my head away and try to hide the wet tear streaked cheeks that bear evidence of my pain.
*Photo found on Pinterest
I don't fully know why I do this, try to hide the fact that my tear ducts work. After some deep thinking on it, I believe part of the reason I'm this way is due to experiences in my past. I went through a really dark time a few years ago and in the trial I conditioned myself to hide the evidence of my pain. I didn't want the other person involved to know how badly they were hurting me lest they use that knowledge against me. To them, my tears and pain were a weakness, something to be ashamed of. I didn't want my pain to be mocked, so I did what I could to hide it from them. Maybe another reason I do this is because I simply don't want people to know I'm hurting. Maybe I don't want to deal with people's questions about why I'm crying. Maybe I don't trust people enough to handle my pain with care. Maybe it's a combination of them all? At this point all I know for sure is that I do not want people to see me cry.
What I'm learning though is this - when we're free to share these precious parts of ourselves, we're at a place where we're able to simply be ourselves.
In the sharing, there is freedom.
Here's something I find somewhat ironic - I love stories where I get to see the hero wiping away his lady's tears. When he cups her cheek in his hand and uses his thumb to catch the evidence of her pain, that's such a romantic gesture to me. Where's the irony? It's found in the fact that I love that moment, yet I rob my husband of being that hero for me.
What God revealed to me as I reflected on our initial argument and the discussion that followed was this - when I refuse to allow my husband to see me cry, I rob him of something far deeper than merely witnessing my tears. I steal his role as hero, champion, and protector. By hiding my pain, I refuse my prince the chance of slaying his princess' dragons. I rob my husband, myself, and our marriage of a beautiful, romantic, powerful, and intimate moment.
So this is me, deciding that a change must occur. I do not want to cheat my love from being my hero in all ways. He is a man who's proven himself worthy of my trust. My tears will be safe in his hands, of this I have no doubts.
*Photo credit - www.LivingWellSpendingLess.com
Do any of you struggle with this too, the desire to hide your tears from others? I'd love to hear your stories. I don't want this blog to just be me talking and you listening. I want to interact with you. Connect with you. Live life with you.
So, Friends, will you join me in the journey to discover the freedom that awaits us once we open ourselves up and let others see the tears we sometimes need to let fall?
No comments:
Post a Comment