Once upon a time...

Once upon a time…

This familiar phrase is the prelude to many a childhood story. Personally, when I hear these words they prompt a reel of characters from kids movies to start rolling through my mind. I see Ariel and Prince Eric, Belle and Beast, Peter Pan and Wendy, Tarzan and Jane, Pongo and Perdita, Rapunzel and Eugene (Flynn), Jasmine and Aladdin, Cinderella and Prince Charming, … the list goes on and on. 

One of our engagement photos. Photo credit - Jodi Bodtke with Giving Tree Photography

It's safe to say that, for me, the phrase, "once upon a time" brings to mind fairy-tales. I don't know about you, but I love these fairy-tales. There's something about watching these characters' and childhood friends' stories that just makes me feel good. Even as an adult, I enjoy watching the adventures of my longtime Disney and Pixar friends. It's the quirky characters, the talking animals, the crazy adventures, the simplicity in the love story… and of course, the catchy tunes. (You can't see me so I'll just have to tell you - that last part has me smiling and winking at you, Friends.)

Maybe most of all, it's the love story. These stories just wouldn't be as good to me without the love story. The characters lives completely change all because of love. Call me a dork, but I get happy when these couples finally fall in love. I don't care how many times I've seen the movie, that part makes me smile every. single. time.

When Charming chooses the "servant girl" Cinderella. When Belle's love transforms Beast back to a man. When Ariel trades the sea and all she's known for a life with Eric. When Jane lets go of what society will think and jumps out of the boat to swim back to Tarzan. When Flynn changes his thieving ways and becomes a hero for Rapunzel. I love those moments. Those life changing moments. More accurately, those lives that are changed by love. I don't care that they're kids movies, I thoroughly enjoy them.

One of our engagement photos. Photo Credit - Jodi Bodtke with Giving Tree Photography

As a young girl, I fully believed I had a "Prince Charming" waiting for me somewhere. That someday we'd meet and fall in love and our lives would be forever changed. That it would be beautiful and perfect. As I grew up, my vision of it altered, but my belief in it didn't. I just knew that one day my prince would come…

On your quest for your Knight in Shining Armor, beware. You'll come across men who seem to fit the description, but in time the truth will be revealed that they're actually just boys in tin foil.

Growing up, my greatest dream, the deepest desire of my heart was to be a wife and mother. I didn't dream of a career, of traveling, of what others perceived as exciting adventures. I dreamt of a simple life lived for the Lord with a godly husband by my side and littles ones surrounding us. A dream maybe too plain for some girls, but it was the perfect life for me. 

When I was single at twenty-two, I began to fear I'd been deceived. If he was really out there, what was taking him so long to find me? Would my dream ever be reality, would I ever see the longing of my heart come to be? If this is the life God had for me… where on earth was the guy??

One of our wedding day photos. Photo credit - Jodi Bodtke with Giving Tree Photography

I went through a season of despair, a season of questions and doubts. I feared that I'd been robbed of my future - the godly husband, the children, the simple life I dreamt of. I felt very discontent and unhappy with my life. I struggled to let go of my dreams of the life I wanted, to surrender them to God. 

I very clearly remember crying to Him in prayer, saying, "I'm scared to give my dreams to You because what if You don't give them back?!" I knew in my heart that His plans for my future would be far greater than anything I could imagine, but my brain simply couldn't fathom something being better than what I'd always dreamt of. For weeks I battled this internal war. Hold tight to these dreams or trust them in God's hands. I was desperate to be obedient to Him, I longed for the ability to fully trust Him.

In the midst of this struggle, I searched for books to help me. My fear was that God was going to call me to a life of singlehood and, though it wasn't what I asked Him for, I wanted to be content in that place of life. I wanted to be at peace with whatever God called me to. I came across a book by Leslie Ludy called, "Sacred Singleness". I believe God used this book to help me surrender my dreams to Him. I won't go into details of the book, but I will say that if any of you are going through a similar struggle to the one I faced or if you know someone who is, I highly recommend Mrs. Ludy's book. It helped change my perspective on being single and to see that there are marvelous blessings in that stage of life.

*Image via Cuppa Joy Lady

I finally felt I was at a place where I could accept what God had for me. I won't say that I was necessarily excited about being single, but I was able to find joy in the surrendering of my dreams. Which isn't to say it was easy. I'm pretty sure my prayer went something like, "I want to be obedient to what You call me to in life. But I'm not strong enough to let go of these dreams so I'm just gonna open my hands and I need You to take them from me." 

I think an honest prayer is beautiful to God. 

Before my surrender, I felt consumed with thoughts of the faceless guy I was waiting for. No matter what I was doing, it was always there in the back of my mind, the wondering about who he would be, where he is, how we'd meet, etc. I couldn't shut the thoughts off, they just whirled in my brain day in and day out. With the endless thoughts came the feeling of discontentment, because if I'm always waiting and longing for what's coming next, how can I be content where I'm at? The thoughts also led to worry for me. I kept thinking about how on earth I was going to meet this guy because I didn't really go anywhere or do anything that would cause me to bump into him. Plus, I'm of the firm belief that the man should pursue the woman, not the other way around. It was torture for my heart to have my mind so enmeshed with the negativity I was struggling with.

After the surrender though, I could finally think clearly again. If any of those thoughts or wonderings would come, I was able to cut them off by reminding myself that I had surrendered my future to God. "Not my will, but Yours be done, Lord" became my constant prayer. I had such a sense of peace in the surrendering. The dreams and desires to be a wife and mother never went away, I just no longer felt controlled by them. They were things I still wanted, but I wanted more to live the life God was calling me to, whether it included a husband and children of my own or not.

One of our wedding day photos. Photo credit - Jodi Bodtke with Giving Tree Photography

In the surrender I also found peace with the knowledge that, if God did have a husband for me, than I needed to leave the pen in His hands and trust Him to write us a beautiful Love Story. I didn't want to be in charge of that, I wasn't any good at it. In my quest for Prince Charming, I'd only met frauds. Guys who made promises they didn't keep, said words they didn't mean. Manipulative and controlling. Using my feelings as a weapon against me. (Side note - that kind of makes it sound like I dated lots of guys or something, but I didn't. I only had one boyfriend growing up. I'm not speaking against anyone who's had numerous dating relationships, I'm just clarifying that I wasn't one of them.) I had already been hurt and I didn't want to take that path again. I hadn't lost my belief that there were good and godly men in the world, I just felt that, sadly, they were the minority in the male species. So I asked God to be in charge if that was something He had for me.

I am living proof that when you surrender to Him and move out of His way, He will do great and wonderful things in your life. You may not recognize them as such right away, but in time you'll be able to look back and notice them. You'll be able to pinpoint the moments, pick out those times when God stepped in and did a work on your behalf. You'll begin to recognize His fingerprints all over you.

Our first picture together as an official couple <3

On August 30th, 2012 I received a friend request from JRB. Roughly one year later, we became Mr. and Mrs. Blair. I didn't feel the strokes of the pen as God wrote our Love Story on that August day. I thought I'd just acquired a new "friend" that I'd probably never actually talk to. Boy, was I wrong!

As much as I love those Disney and Pixar characters I mentioned at the beginning of this post, those fictional characters don't hold a candle to my husband. This is a status I posted after we returned from our honeymoon. Read it and be encouraged - good men do still exist!

"I'm not one who normally shares my personal life on here, but there are some things that are just worth opening myself up for to share…

We all know the importance of words. They can create a beautiful beginning or a heart wrenching ending, they can heal or they can break. They can cause laughter or heartache, feelings of love or feelings of dislike. Words are powerful and the world tends to be pretty careless with this sharp weapon.

JRB and I have committed together to always strive to use our words for good, not harm. We never want to cause each other pain with our words. We try everyday to only lift each other up, never tear each other down.

JRB is very open and intentional in the words he uses towards me. The ones I frequently hear since he entered my world - "you're beautiful…you're amazing… I love you… it's a privilege to love you and I'm glad I'm the one who gets to do it… I'll always be here, I'll never leave you… you're stronger than you think, you can do this… you could have no make-up on and not do your hair when you walk down the aisle to me and you'd still be the most beautiful bride…"

I love his words. He's such an encouragement to me. But even with how much I love these words of his, there are some I love even more.. "Father, please touch her body. Give her comfort and rest. Heal this sickness. Be with her, Lord." There's a very real intimacy involved in prayer…

On the last night of our honeymoon I got really sick. Pain, nausea, panic attack. The whole works. Lots of crying and pleading for it to go away. I took my meds then laid on the bed with my heating pad, reciting Scripture and praying to Jehovah-Rapha (God Who Heals.) The whole time, JRB laid beside me, held my hand, and prayed with me. My drugs eventually knocked me out and when I woke up about 45 minutes later, it was to the sound of my husband's voice. While I had slept, he continued to pray over me. The feeling I got when the knowledge of what he had done sank in.. to know my husband went to battle for me, fighting the enemy through his continuous praying over me filled me with such a sense of peace and knowing that I am truly and deeply loved. I heard a description of a man once that a girl always prayed to marry and that night I fully grasped why she'd want that. Because that night her request became my reality. That night, JRB became my Warrior Poet.

For all you girls waiting on love, wondering what's taking it so long - my advice is this. Let go and let God lead him to you. I know it's hard. I've been there. But if you'll listen to one who's been in your shoes then please listen now - the man God has for you (if indeed that is His plan for you) is a man worth waiting for. Love Him so that when this man does make an entrance into your world, you're able to love him better. Because a love like this, a love story that God writes… nothing else can compare to it."

I share all this in hopes of offering encouragement and hope to anyone who may be facing the struggles I myself have faced. 

We can trust Him with our dreams, Friends. He has proven Himself to be so worthy of our trust and obedience. I don't know what God's plan for you is. I won't promise that there's a spouse and children in your future. I won't promise that you're going to have your dream career or travel to all the places you want to see. I'm not God, those aren't things I know nor are they things I can promise. What I can do is tell you that, no matter what, God does have a plan for you and whatever it is, it's going to be greater than anything you can imagine.

One of our wedding day photos. Photo credit - Jodi Bodtke with Giving Tree Photography

If you're struggling with the days, weeks, months, or even years of being single, may I tell you that there is a grand design and purpose to that period of your life? I know it's hard. Girl, do I ever know it's hard! But I encourage you to embrace this phase of your life, cherish the freedoms you have. The point of being single isn't just to wait to no longer be single.There is something far greater for you to pursue in this season of life, Someone far greater than a future spouse. 

Ask God to reveal His purpose, to guide you in His plans for you. Surrender those things you're holding onto so tightly. There is such beauty in the surrendering, such peace in the letting go. What I've learned is that when I'm holding on tightly to my own plans, dreams and desires, I'm unable to grasp onto what God is giving me. If my hands are too full of me, I can't grab a hold of Him.

This weekend JRB and I will be celebrating our one year wedding anniversary. To some this may seem like a "no big deal" occasion. "One year? Big whoop", some may say. But to a girl who once feared she'd never see her dream of being a wife to a godly man become her reality, this is a day to be celebrated and cherished! Because of my marriage to my wonderful husband, I can confidently say, "Don't worry! Good and godly men do still exist!!"

Our upcoming anniversary is what prompted me to write this post. I was thinking back on the days before JRB entered my life and remembering those days of doubts and angst. I was marveling at how my whole world changed after surrendering my dreams to God. Not over night, but it wasn't months later either. To me, it was almost like God whispered to my heart, "This is all I've been waiting for, Child. Your surrender. Now I can move you forward into the future I have for you."

We had another photo shoot after I chopped my hair off :) Photo credit - Jodi Bodtke with Giving Tree Photography

Your story may not look like mine. What happens after you surrender may be quite different than what happened with me. That's ok, Friend. Our stories are unique. They're being lovingly written by a marvelous Creator. Embrace your story. Live your story. Trust Him with the writing of your story.

We can leave the pen in His hands, not only to write our Love Stories, but our Life Stories too. He's a far better Author than you or I...

Fun photo shoot. Photo credit - Jodi Bodtke with Giving Tree Photography

Angels in Horsehair

In this post, I'd like to share with you a part of my life that is very dear to me. For those of you who don't know me personally, so therefore are unaware, this blog is not my job. I do not write to earn a living (although it would be crazy awesome to get paid for writing!) I write because there are these words inside of me that demand to be expressed. I write for the pure delight of it, though there are moments in the process that aren't all that delightful. 

I love to write, but again, writing isn't my job. My job is far different (although I don't get paid to do this either...) I am Co-Founder and Executive Director at Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch. Have you ever heard of it? If not, no worries. The point of this blog post is to share the heart of the ranch with you.

*Photo credit - Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch

Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch is a non profit organization that strives to provide a safe environment that facilitates the emotional healing of youth using the therapeutic nature of horses. We are a fairly new organization, so we're still very much in the learning stages. It was in the spring of 2011 that Rescued Hearts became an official non profit. 

We started with my two personal horses and our herd quickly grew to six. We haven't done any major advertising, people find out about us mostly through word of mouth. A friend of a friend of a friend told so and so… you know how that works. In the past three and a half years we've been amazed at the number of people we've been privileged to meet. We have kids come from ages six to eighteen and we love all the new friends we've made. It is both humbling and inspiring to see how many lives have been impacted already.

Today's kids and youth have so many opinions thrown at them from every side about who they should be, what they should pursue, how they should dress, etc. They're bombarded through the media with images of what "perfection" looks like and then they're made to feel inferior and as if they don't matter when they don't measure up to these standards. They're left feeling unappreciated, unwanted, and unloved. 

                                            *Photo credit - Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch

At Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch we believe differently and we desire to express this to these youth. We believe that every person matters and that it's their own personal brand of unique that makes them so beautiful. Our main goal in serving these youth is to reach those places deep inside where those hurts linger and cover them with love and acceptance. We want every person who leaves the ranch to walk away with the knowledge that they are both wanted and valued, that this world needs them simply because they're them.

At this time we have two programs we use to reach our goals. The first is our FreeRein Program, which is designed as individual appointments with no pre-set agenda. In this program we use what we call our one-on-one-on-one training. One youth. One horse. One mentor. These sessions are based on the uniqueness of each individual. 

                                                             *Photo credit - Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch

The second program is our HoofBeats Program, which is more of group sessions although it can be done individually. When we go into other organizations, such as the Boys&Girls Club, this is the program we use. If you're interested in the generalized outline for this program, please feel free to contact me for it.

These are our main programs at this time and we're continually tweaking them to improve the effectiveness of what we do. Instead of focusing on producing accomplished riders, our focus is on cultivating strong youth. 

I'd like to give you a brief history on our four-legged staff. Without these guys, we wouldn't be able to do what we do.

First we have Otis, who happens to be our only gelding. He's a 15year old Thoroughbred whom I've had for the past 12 years. Otis is very easy going and makes friends with everyone who comes out to the ranch. He has raced at least once in his life which we know because he has a tattoo on his upper lip. Otis can be very energetic, loving to run and jump. One of his greatest qualities is his sensitivity to each new friend he makes. 

                                                        *Photo credit - Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch

Next we have Myra, who hasn't been separated from her pal, Otis, for the past 12 years. Myra was very wary of humans when she came into my life as a 3 year old. She is an Arabian/Appaloosa mix with attitudes to match both breeds. When I first met her she showed signs of abuse by not wanting anyone to go near her ears, which made haltering and bridling a struggle. It also led to her having a more cautious nature when coming into contact with strangers. She's the type of horse whose trust isn't just given, but must be earned.

                                                       *Photo credit - Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch

Next we have Cinnamon, whom we call Nami. She's a Quarter Horse, whose age is unknown to us. Nami participated in several 4-H activities with her teenage rider. When it was time for college, the young lady contacted us in hopes that we could give Nami a new purpose in life. She seems quite content in her new role at the ranch. She's often called upon for participants who are more timid with horses. Her willingness to stand still while being groomed and go at a slow pace while working have given her the title of our gentle giant.

                                                       *Photo credit - Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch

Now we have Kali. Kali is our one and only rescue horse, whose breed and age are both unknown. We were contacted by her previous owner who was going to be moving and didn't want to take Kali with her. If we were unable to keep her, Kali's next stop would've been the horse auction. Because of an injury on her right hind leg, the likelihood of her being purchased was slim to none so she most likely would have been put down. She has been a positive addition to our staff because of the love she so freely shares with her two legged friends. We hope to be able to rescue more horses in the future.

                                                        *Photo credit - Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch

Now we have our ponies. First there's Millie, who's a 3 year old beauty. When we first started working with Millie, she wanted absolutely nothing to do with us. She was constantly bolting from us in the pasture, refusing to be caught. After much patience and persistence on our end, she came to trust us enough to allow us near her. Now, she's the first one at the gate whenever anyone's around her pasture. She's not yet trained to be ridden, but she absolutely loves being groomed and the center of attention.

                                                       *Photo credit - Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch

For our last equine friend, we have our smallest staff member, Gypsy. She is also 3 years old and is probably our most ornery equine. She's been found wandering around outside while all the others are tucked into their stalls. She loves to go exploring, though thankfully she's never tried to leave us. She's never had the aversion to humans that Millie did, she's always loved having attention lavished on her. Gypsy is also not trained to be ridden, but like her sister, she loves to be groomed and have you give her rubs and hugs.

                                                        *Photo credit - Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch

Horses aren't the only members of our four legged staff at the ranch, though. We also have our faithful pooch, Samson. He's a bundle of energy packed into the body of a 2 year old chocolate labrador. He's the first one to greet any and all visitors to the ranch. He's known for lavishing his love and kisses on all who pay attention to him. If you're not paying attention to him, he will try his hardest to change that. He loves to run and play with all the youth who come. His favorite games are fetch and tug-of-war. He's also quite fond of wrestling. And if you happen to sit down somewhere, beware! This guy doesn't understand that he, in fact, is not a lap dog….

                                                         *Photo credit - Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch

While working on writing this post, I knew I wanted to be sure to include a "how you can help" portion so that you, the readers, could be more aware of some of the ranch's needs. One of the biggest is volunteers. 

You do not have to be a "horse person" for us to want you. There are many areas in which to volunteer. A few would be: Greeting everyone who comes to the ranch, working in the office, joining our prayer team, photography during the sessions. If you are a horse person, we need volunteers for: grooming the horses or doing morning and evening chores. There's always the up-keep and general ranch maintenance too. If you'd be interested in working with the youth without the horse involved, we can use you in that area as well. We also need people willing to be mentors who work with both horse and youth. For anyone interested in volunteering please be sure to get in contact with us because we would love to have you join our team.

*Photo credit - Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch

As a non profit, Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch depends on the generous contributions of people like you to operate and maintain it's program and facilities. Everyone has something to offer. If you're wanting to help but are unable to volunteer, the ranch has other needs as well, such as material donations (hay, tack, grooming supplies, medicinal supplies, etc.) and financial donations. 

From the very beginning of RHYR we knew that we didn't want finances to stand in any youth's way of participating in our programs. There are so many things that they are already unable to be a part of due to the cost and we didn't want the ranch to be another one to add to that list. We want to help remove any hindrances we can that would keep a youth from coming to RHYR. Because of this reason, all of Rescued Hearts' programs and services are free of charge. No initial costs, no hidden fees, no financial surprises. It's 100% free.

                                                       *Photo credit - Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch

So how do we stay open, you wonder? As previously stated, we rely on people's generosity and financial support of the ranch. We also do research into grants that we can apply for, as well as doing fundraising. If there are any people reading this who have helpful knowledge or advice on applying for grants or profitable fundraisers, please contact us. These are areas that we ourselves are not proficient in. We're slowly learning through research, but we would be glad to accept any help you may be willing to give. If you have some advice, please contact us through one of the ways listed below:

- a comment on this blog post

- a comment/message through our Facebook page (www.facebook.com/rescuedheartsyouthranch)

- a message through the contact forum on our website (www.rescuedheartsyouthranch.weebly.com)

- a personal email (rescuedheartsyr@gmail.com)

To any of you who will help us in this area, THANK YOU! You have no idea how much of a blessing you may be to us. As I said, we're slowly learning, but there is so much data and information to sift through that it can be a daunting task at times. So, from the bottom of our hearts, thank you.

                                                    *Photo credit - Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch

Another really great and easy way for you to help us is simply by spreading the word. Let people know we're here. Share our contact info. If you know of a youth whom you think could benefit from our programs, please send them our way.  

Word of mouth really is effective. Because of it, this past summer we were presented with another way to reach youth. We somehow made it on the list of approved organizations for youth to do their community service at, through no effort on our part. We had three separate occasions arise where we were contacted by a teenager who needed to fulfill their hours of community service. One only did an hour with us, another did a couple hours, and the third did 18 hours with us. It was incredible! Getting our name on the approved list never even entered my mind because I honestly didn't even know they had lists like that, so it was both baffling and amazing when we were suddenly being sought out because of it. So please, spread the word.

One of the first things people want to know when they talk with me about the ranch is how it came to be. How and why did Rescued Hearts get started?

There are numerous accounts of the benefits of using a horse's therapeutic nature to reach hurting people. For instance, a child who was mute because of a traumatic life experience speaking for the first time again to a horse. Kids who have felt rejected feeling the joy of being chosen by a horse. We ourselves have seen kids who were part of a suicide pact choose life instead. We've seen the transformation that happens as angry and hardened groups of youth learn to care about one another while at the ranch. 

                                                      *Photo credit - Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch

In my own life, it was my horses that helped me survive my teenage years. Though I grew up in a loving, two-parent home I still often felt misunderstood. I struggled with feelings of being unwanted and of having a very low self-esteem. When I got my horses though, things began to change inside of me. I began to feel a sense of worth, a new feeling of confidence that came from spending time with them and being good at it. Otis and Myra had no expectations of me beyond me loving them. They had no pressures on me to be anyone other than who I was. I didn't have to jump through hoops to be accepted by them, they were simply always happy to have me with them because I was me. They were my angels in horsehair. I fully believe God used horses to help keep me from traveling the many dangerous paths that are laid before young people today.

There's this series of commercials that comes to mind when I think back on my teen years with Otis and Myra. In these commercials you always see a teen being offered something unhealthy for them, some sort of drug or alcoholic beverage. Peer pressure is thick for these teens to give in and accept what's being handed to them. But the youths do something different, they say "no" and walk away. Then the commercial changes and you see them laughing while doing something they love. The commercial ends with a blank screen that has the words "music is my drug" or "art is my drug" or "photography is my drug" etc. I think of this because, for me, the commercial would've ended with, "Horses are my drug." With them I found acceptance, self-confidence, dreams for my future, deep bonds of friendship, and pure love.  

*Photo credit - Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch

This is why we choose to use horses. This is why Rescued Hearts was formed. This is the vision that our board members and our staff have caught hold of. To bring hurting youth in contact with angels who have four legs and are covered in horsehair. To give them the opportunity to be impacted and loved by a horse. That through a relationship with a horse, they can come to possess some much needed attributes - respect, patience, self-confidence, kindness, teamwork - these are just a few of the many we could name. I know how greatly horses changed my own life. We want to extend that same possibility to every youth we come in contact with. Because they're worth it. This is my heart… they are my heart.

Thank you for taking the time to read through this post detailing the heart of our ranch. I'm both humbled and grateful to share this part of my life with you.  

                                                         *Photo credit - Rescued Hearts Youth Ranch

Audience of One

Have you ever noticed how truly exhausting it is when you worry and fret over what other people think of you? Questioning your steps, hesitating over your choices, doubting your abilities - it's so draining when we let the fear of people thinking negatively about us guide our lives. 

We don't sing because we fear people will think we sound tone deaf.

We don't dance because we fear people will compare us to flamingos with no rhythm.

We don't speak because we fear people will think our opinions and views are foolish.

We don't write because we fear people will view our work as nonsensical drivel.

We don't chase our dreams because we fear people will tell us we're idiots to believe our dreams are attainable. 

When we are governed by a fear of measuring up, we live a life that is stifled and stagnant. The fear can grow and fester until it's affecting every area of our lives. We don't feel like we can ever just be ourselves because we're always having to keep up the act and put on a great performance so that people will approve of us. 

Our lives become the stage and everyone else, our (seemingly) critical audience. 

Personally, I've always struggled with the fear of what others think about me. For whatever reason, I've never believed that I measure up in other people's eyes. This fear has often kept me from doing things I've wanted to do and from chasing my dreams.

                                               Photo credit - BeckyRosty.wordpress.com

Recently, God's been gently healing and freeing me from these fears of man's opinions. He's used my husband, JRB, to help me see myself in a different light and become the girl I've always wanted to be. Though I've still got a long ways to go, I can now look back at the girl I used to be and see the progress to the girl I am today. It's so awesome to me when I see how much God has used this incredible man to help me grow in this area.

JRB is a very positive influence in my life. In the moments when I get sucked down into the pit of "I'm not good enough" land, he helps guide me back out with his encouragement and love. Sometimes the situations are more humorous and quirky, while others are more serious and heartfelt. No matter what type of situation it is, he's always there for me.

Growing up, whenever I envisioned a home of my own, I pictured a place where I felt free to just be myself without fear of judgements. A place where I could totally let my guard down and not worry about being criticized. I wanted to be able to be a silly, crazy, goofy mess whenever the mood would strike. With JRB, I have that freedom :)

I tell you all this because (a) being married to JRB has helped me learn more of what it means to live a life for the audience of One and (b) I'm crazy in love with this awesome man and I want to share with the world how blessed I am to be his wife.

I've always loved Big Daddy Weave's song, "Audience of One." If you've read other blog posts of mine then I'm sure you're aware of how often music is what I use to express myself. Because of my fears of people's opinions, this song has always been a favorite of mine. The thought of living my life with Him as my sole audience is invigorating! A life where I'm no longer governed by the need for and seeking of man's applause, but am instead concerned only with His approval… I think that would be a truly beautiful thing.

I've glimpsed that life in different moments of my own life, times when I've been at rest in the knowledge that Christ's opinion of me is the only one that matters. Those times? Oh my, they're so full of peace and happiness. There's such freedom in those moments because I'm able to just be. I'm not forced to put on a show meant to impress Him, because I know He loves me. He sees me, I mean truly sees me, and He loves me anyway. 

                                           Photo credit - helpingbringlevihome.blogspot.com

A life that's not hindered by people's opinions. A life that's not filled with concerns about man's judgements. A life that's not bogged down by the fear of not being good enough. This is the life available to us through Jesus, a life lived in His freedom and love. A life I am actively seeking to live out. 

Through my marriage I have received a visible portrayal of how my audience of One may view me (though I know JRB's affection for me is a minute amount compared to God's love for me.) Though there are times when I'm still self-conscious in front of JRB, over the course of our relationship I've allowed myself to sink into the knowledge that I can trust my husband to love me, all the pieces that make up me, and accept me just as I am. 

I can dance around the house looking like a fool because I know he isn't going to mock me. I can burst out in song, singing whatever comes to mind, because I know he's not critiquing my voice. I can speak to him because I know, whether he agrees with me or not, he's not going to call me an idiot or a fool. I can share my heart through letters to him (and on a larger scale through this blog) because I know that he'll see more than just words and that he'll treasure this part of me. I can chase my dreams because I know he'll be supportive and encouraging of me doing so.

I know that I don't have to pretend in order to please my husband, that I don't have to put on a show for him to make him think I'm worthwhile. I don't have to hide all my messy flaws and imperfections to gain his approval. JRB has taken the time to know me, to learn my fears and failures, my pains and heartbreaks. He doesn't only love the nice and clean parts of me, he loves it all. Every piece that makes up A. Blair is a piece my husband loves. 

If my husband, who is an imperfect man with his own flaws and failures, can love and accept me just as I am, what causes me to hesitate to believe that my perfect God will do it on an even grander scale? Isn't it the need to be loved and wanted that truly drives us to do everything we can to get other people's good opinions of us?

So what would happen, then, if we lived our lives as if we fully believed that we're already loved and wanted? Wouldn't our lives change so greatly if we were living them only for the pleasure of our Lord? If we would stop worrying about what man's thinking and only concern ourselves with God's opinion - how different do you think life would be?

Would you care to join me in finding out? Come, Friend, let's pursue a life lived wholly for the glory and honor of our Abba. Let us live our lives for the pleasure of our exclusive audience of One.

                                               Photo credit - Daystar

Audience of One

I come on my knees

To lay down before You

Bringing all that I am

Longing only to know You

Seeking Your face

And not only Your hand

I find You embracing me

Just as I am

And I lift these songs

To You and You alone

As I sing to You

In my praises make Your home

**To my audience of One

You are Father and You are Son

As Your Spirit flows free

Let it find within me

A heart that beats to praise You

And now just to know You more

Has become my great reward

To see Your kingdom come

And Your will be done

I only desire to be Yours, Lord**

So what could I bring

To honor Your majesty

What song could I sing

That would move the heart of royalty

And all that I have

Is the life that You've given me

So, Lord, let me live for You

My song with humility

And, Lord, as the love song

Of my life is played

I have one desire

To bring glory to Your name

****