Enduring Faith {part 2}

Hope. A confident expectation of things to come.

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*Get your hopes up

Lift your head up

Let your faith arise

Get your hopes up

Our God is for us

He’s brought us back to life

With all the medical testing and procedures done to me over the years, all coming back with the same results stating that I’m fine; with the chronic attacks continuing to happen with no end in sight - - - I’ve struggled to hold onto hope when it all looks so bleak. 

I remember one day in the summer of 2016 standing at our kitchen island with JRB, weary from the long recovery from the latest attack. I was feeling completely wrung out - physically, emotionally, spiritually. I had yet another test coming up, though, and my husband was trying to encourage me to think positively, to entertain the possibility that this test may finally lead us to an answer; to not give up hope.

I very clearly recall looking into his eyes while feeling so bleak and telling him, “You’ll have to hope for the both of us because I just can’t. I don’t want to anymore. Hope hurts.”

{If you’d like to read more about the events leading up to that conversation, see my post, “Another Year Older”}

Allow me a moment to offer a bit of clarification to ensure no misunderstandings here - - -

It was not my Hope in Jesus that was causing me pain; it was hoping for {anticipating} a change in the physical realm through the medical professionals that kept going unfulfilled that was hurting me.

I envision it like this: my hope is a boat. Just a normal, everyday-use type boat. Nothing to brag about. And it’s a boat that’s about to face some bad weather…

The sky starts to darken as a storm rolls in. I start to get nervous as I realize that my boat can’t outrun or escape this storm, but rather I’ll have to drop anchor and pray that it (and I) are still intact when the weather passes.

The storm hits. The winds howl and the rains crash down: the waves rise and fall, sending my boat careening one way and then crashing back in the other direction. Smooth sailing this is not.

Despite what’s raging on the surface, though, the anchor holds. Though the ship is battered, the anchor holds. 

*b I have fallen on my knees

as I face the raging seas

The anchor holds

in spite of the storm

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*I see the sun waking up the morning

reviving dreams

I feel the wind on my back with promise

reminding me - - -

For the past few years, I’ve been receiving prophetic words about being given permission to dream, being encouraged to dream, and to dream bigger than I ever have before.

I’ve taken these words to heart, meditated on and prayed over them, and asked God to help me discover what my dreams are. What is it that I long to see happen?

To write more. To encourage more readers through sharing my story.

Counseling teenage girls. On life, love, and doing it all God’s way {cause it’s the best way!}

Being a mom. Loving all the Littles God brings us as we raise them to know Him.

Being healthy. To no longer live life hindered by this unknown illness.

I’m dreaming more. I’m dreaming bigger. And yet… I find myself hesitant to believe these dreams won’t always stay a mere dream, but rather become my reality.

Confession: I tend to live life with a “don’t plan on the best happening so you won’t be disappointed when it doesn’t” type mentality. *Cringe*

I had begun dreaming, but I was struggling to attach hope to these dreams.

And then. God spoke to me.

One Sunday, as I was imagining someday seeing my own Littles playing with the other kids at church, our worship team began to play the chorus I shared at the beginning of this post. I heard God whisper to me in that moment, “You’re doing the dreaming, now you need to do the believing. Get your hopes up ‘cause I won’t disappoint you.”

With His words, I was prompted to begin a learning journey of how to hope. 

Even in the bad times, on the hard days, when the future appears bleak. When all the dreams seem impossible and my mind is filled with doubts. I am learning to hope even then.

*There’s a garment of praise for heaviness

There’s a new song burning inside my chest

I’m living in the goodness that He brings

No matter what lies ahead, I won't despair [even if this pain doesn’t pass] but rather remain hopeful knowing my Heavenly Cure has been procured. When this body grows weary from the chronic storms of life, it will remain well with my soul for Hope is its Anchor [Hebrews 6:19].

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Friends, if your hope-boat is springing leaks in the midst of life’s storms, I pray you find peace in knowing the Anchor is not affected by the gales.

~ Coming soon: Enduring Faith {part 3} ~ Reading part 1 offers helpful backstory to parts 2&3

{All lines preceded by an asterisk (*) symbol are lyrics from Josh Baldwin’s, “Get Your Hopes Up”. Lines preceded by *b are lyrics from Ray Boltz’s, “The Anchor Holds”}

Enduring Faith {part 1}

Hello again, Friends, & Happy New Year!

I'm excited to start this year with a new experience: writing a 3 part series - I've never done a series before so yay for new adventures! 

As always, I pray you find hope and encouragement nestled somewhere within these words.

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The Story

On Sunday, December 4th, 2017, I had a severe health attack. An “attack” takes my daily pain and nausea levels to such extreme heights that ER trips become required. Knowing this, I reached out for prayer through Facebook and people responded. I fully believe it was because of their petitions on my behalf that I was saved from needing to be rushed to the hospital that week. Thank You, Jesus!

It was still a really hard week, though. I wasn’t able to eat which caused me to lose weight, scarily bringing me under 90lbs. I became super weak, necessitating JRB to carry me around our home. Because of all this and more, I wasn’t left alone for any extended periods of time because it wasn’t safe for me to be on my own.

Here I am today - almost a full month later - still struggling with higher levels of pain and nausea. My pain is still so intense that I’m frequently missing out on life stuff because of it. It’s hard. And frustrating. I’m so.very.ready to be back to my normal…

Usually, when these attacks happen I struggle to stay positive. It’s easy to get depressed in these times because 1) there’s no apparent end in sight for me and 2) chronic illnesses can be very lonely and isolating because, despite people trying to understand or thinking they can relate, no one truly gets what I’m going through every single day. 

This time was different, though. Despite how bad I got physically, I didn’t sink into a funk from the weeks of unending pain and tears.

And I began to question why. What was so different this time that, while physically I got weak and drained, emotionally and spiritually I stayed above it? I began asking God to reveal to me what had changed and He reminded me of three things:

1) The impact from Kim Walker-Smith’s song, “Throne Room”

2) What He whispered to me after hearing “Get Your Hopes Up” by Josh Baldwin

3) A dream I had on September 12th, 2017

Normally, I complete a list in order but for this, I’m giving myself the freedom to do it differently - which means I’m starting at the end. Ah, the perks of being the writer...

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The Dream:

I woke up that Tuesday morning at 4:45am from a very vivid dream. I immediately felt like God was prompting me to get up and record the dream so I wouldn't forget it. I'd never experienced that feeling before so I paid attention and did it.

A group of women were out exploring and came upon an unnaturally wide canyon, one they needed to cross. The path down to the water was not going to be easy - it was filled with deep pits and piles of huge branches they’d have to navigate around and through. It wouldn’t be a smooth journey, but it was the only way forward. 

Everything was fine and calm as they began the journey when, suddenly, a wall of fire appeared behind them. Whereas the group had been moving at a leisurely pace, they were now scrambling in panic. They started to run, moving as fast as they could despite the obstacles. 

My viewpoint then changed to ahead of the group and I saw that not only did they need to cross over the water somehow, but they would then need to find a way to climb high up the other side of the deep canyon. There was no formed route prepared for them.

At this point, I heard one woman exclaim, “Wow! Look at her - it’s like she’s not even sinking… it’s like the waves are helping her!” One woman had reached the water before the rest of her friends and she was laughing with her arms stretched out to her sides. 

And she was running across the water. 

I noticed that, instead of the waves rushing towards shore like normal, they were actually going the opposite way and carrying her across. The further she ran, the higher the waves went as if their sole purpose was getting her safely to the other side. 

This woman had such faith that she wasn’t going to sink that she never even hesitated in running towards the water. She simply believed. When her friends saw what was happening, her faith became contagious and they began to believe that they could do it too.

And so they ran towards the waves by faith.

As each woman reached the water, the waves begin to meet them individually. The waves carried them safely to their destination as the women kept moving forward in faith. 

They didn’t sink. They didn’t even get wet. They simply kept running, laughing and filled with joy. And I heard this song:

 I run across the waves

 I run across the waves

 I run across the waves

By Your grace

 I dance atop the waves

 I dance atop the waves

 I dance atop the waves

By Your grace

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Friends, I believe this was a prophetic dream because that’s exactly what I did during my latest health attack. 

I ran across the waves of despair, smiling. 

I ran across the waves of pain, hoping. 

I ran across the waves of hopelessness, believing. 

I ran across the waves…by His grace.

And I danced with the knowledge that I am wholly loved.

For me, this dream paints a beautiful portrayal of this adventure we call Life. The women had many obstacles to navigate to get to their ultimate destination; we all face similar impediments on our journey to ours as well. We face times when, one moment we’re moving along calmly and, in the next, we’re sent running from a fire that seemingly came out of nowhere. In our panic, we may look ahead, see a huge hurdle that we have no way of crossing, and become hopeless and filled with dread.

And that’s when we must choose. 

Do we stop moving forward and let the trials consume us in their flames…

 or do we confidently race toward the water, trusting that our God will provide

a safe way across?

Others are watching us, waiting to see which choice we will make. Friends walking alongside us, strangers following behind. Little and still innocent eyes. Older and knowing eyes. Hurting and seeking eyes. The world is searching for something {for Someone} that they don't know how to find. Might we be what reveals the Way?

I don't know about you, but I want to be a woman of such contagious faith that it inspires others to run full out towards the waves...

Whatever you may be going through, Friends, I know my God can help you run across the waves of life. That by His grace you can stay aloft and dry, despite the raging storm waters around you.

So my prayer is that you’re able to focus on God and see His goodness in the midst of your trial. That you can hold onto hope in the midst of the struggle. And that you run, with arms stretched wide and a smile on your face, racing across the waves in faith. 

Because He is with you and He is for you… so it’s all going to be okay.



*Coming soon: Enduring Faith {part 2} and Enduring Faith {part 3}!*